Anger

I want to run away and hide. Everything feels like a dream. It has been two whole days since I've cried. Foolishly assuming I am doing better, and the pain is disappearing. A woman I know came up to me today and said "I heard you are expecting." I froze. I didn't even know what to say. Being the honest person that I am, I first responded "No", then gave in and said I was, then the tears came. I am fine until I'm confronted with it. I'm able to push all of it away until someone or something triggers the memory.

I feel like it was all a dream. In my mind it feels like it happened years ago, but emotionally the wound is still open and gushing. I'm sad, angry, annoyed, hurt... Part of this pain is having everyone know. I'm starting to feel like writing this blog has been a mistake. How did I think I could go through this so publicly. What did I think was going to happen, everything go perfectly smooth. When has anything gone perfectly smooth. When in my life have I not had to fight for what I wanted.

I keep getting the questions about when we'll try again, will we try right away, how are you doing, how are you feeling. I realize all of these are out of care and concern, but I can't answer them. I'm still dealing with the loss so I have no clue as to when we will begin again. All I know is that there is no way I am giving up. And right now I just want to run away and hide.

Another Happy Holiday

Yesterday morning I woke up, ate breakfast, showered and was about to head off the gym when I realized I needed to pee. I walk in the bathroom, lock the door and pop a squat. It was at that very moment everything changed. I noticed I was spotting. I called the doctor and immediately went in for an ultrasound. The US tech was very thorough, but did not let me look at the screen while she took the images. Hubby was with me, but he couldn't read what she was doing. They kept us in the room while the radiologist reviewed the images. The doctor, who's in the same building, is then informed and sent the images. We were told to sit and wait for a phone call. The US tech walks in and says the doctor would like us to go up to her office.

I knew at that moment that something was wrong, hubby was still remaining positive. We sit in the waiting room for what felt like an hour, but was probably only 15 mins. We're brought into a room and wait for the doctor to come in. Because this is our new OB office, I haven't met this doctor yet. She knocks and then walks in the door with a hesitant smile. She cuts right to the chase, "It's not good news". The baby only measured 6 weeks and 2 days, the same as our last ultrasound. Most likely, right after we heard and saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. I am miscarrying. My eyes well up and I am immediately sobbing.

There are truly no words to describe how I felt at that moment. I have been hesitant since day one, knowing that most people are not successful in their first IVF attempt. I never truly let myself get attached to the idea. How do you let go of something you never really let yourself believe in. I've cried alone, I've cried with my family, I cried this morning when I woke up.

The cramps began to intensify last night. Tylenol took some of the edge off, but did not last through the night. I tossed and turned trying to find a position that didn't hurt. Two days before Christmas and I'm going in for a DNC. The thought of watching this all happen in front of my eyes made me sick to my stomach. So I made a choice to let them intervene. In my mind, it has already happened and I am just helping it along. But that doesn't take away any of the pain. It doesn't change anything.

I can't help but question everything I've done for the past month. Was it the stress? Was it from working out? Was there something wrong with my egg? Why would this happen after everything we've been through?! I'm trying to push all these thoughts out of my mind. As everyone has recently told me, "nature has it's way of taking care of things". Trust in the fact that what is not meant to be, doesn't happen. As my mother in law said, "maybe you'll have a November baby to  make next year easier on all of us." I hope that is true.

9 Weeks

So things have been pretty mild and some what boring lately. At 9 weeks, nausea has been non existent, but the growing pains have come on full force. Between my aching back and lower abdomenn, I feel like my hips have doubled in size. Although most people wouldn't notice, my belly has started to expand to the point where my skinny jeans are a process to get into. I gave in and picked up a belly band and a pair of maternity jeans, for those really bad days.

I'm sleeping right through the night with just one morning trip to the bathroom. The headaches have been off and on and seem to be worse when it rains or snows. My appetite is huge, about every 2-4 hours I'm ravenous. My energy has been pretty good this week. Still getting tired around 9pm though. The progesterone has been limited to every other night which I couldn't be more thrilled about. I go in next week for blood work to check my levels. Pray that they are normal so I can finally stop taking it. (Ladies, if you have the option for the injection or the cream, take the injection! I fully regret taking the cream. It does not dissolve completely and leaves a thick, chalky residue. Yuck.)

Mentally, I am an emotional basket case. I find myself tearing up at movies and can't get through a serious chat without welling up. For those of you who know me, this is not normal. I find myself rubbing my belly alot and thinking about the little human growing inside me. (Let's pause here for a moment.) The idea that there is a person growing inside me has taken over my brain. Although this has been happening for 9 weeks, the thought has finally registered. I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. I am responsible for another human. At some point, that little human will make its way into the world. As excited as I am, I am terrified, like every other expectant mother. I try to clear my head and remind myself that a calm and happy gestational period is the best thing I can give my baby. So I toss my thoughts aside, and focus on the things I can control. Like what to have for lunch, how long I can workout for, how many hours of sleep I can bank.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I have no memory.

This is apparently what is happening inside right now.

Although I feel like my belly is about triple that size.



8 Weeks

Tuesday was the big day to meet our new OB. Which to my amazement, went astonishingly well. I had gone on Emerson Hospital's website and just picked the doctor's on their site that had an office in Harvard. It could not be a more perfect match!

Being the neurotic person that I am, I went in with a list of questions, which my husband laughed at me for. However, it allowed me to remember everything that is important to us and what type of care we would like. There is one male doctor in the practice and the other two are female. Hoping to first see a female, I was a little let down to be meeting with the male. But, he was wonderful. Very open to all of our thoughts and ideas about birth. All the doctor's in the practice are young, under early forties. Which in my eyes is a good thing. They are more open to new practices and styles. I only waited in the waiting room for 5 mins, and the consult was an hour long. He was even kind of relieved to hear that I am vegan and work out often. He shared some personal stories about his family. He asked if we wanted to know the sex, and of course quickly responded "YES". So he allowed us to schedule our ultrasound at 16 weeks. (Hopefully the little one will cooperate.)

This morning, I woke up with some pretty bad cramps. Almost like the start of my period cramps. Hubby, of course, is away for work. So I was left home alone panicking on whether or not I should be concerned. Finally got a hold of him after about an hour and a half. I ended up calling the doctor's office just to be safe. I wasn't having any spotting, so that made me feel a little better, but I was still worried. They said cramping at 9 weeks is very normal and to call if they get worse, or if I start to bleed. Thankfully they passed pretty quickly. I'm just feeling uncomfortable, that's the best way to describe it. I'm starting to get the "crawling out of my skin" feeling again. Praying it doesn't last long, I'd like to go back to not really feeling much of anything. Please and thank you.

Changes

In the past few weeks I have gone from super nauseous to not really feeling pregnant. Not that I'm complaining in any way, but things have changed. My stomach has settled pretty well, not throwing fits in between meals anymore. Which means I can finally get through the day without needing to run to the bathroom. Peeing has slowed down as well, just the occasional trip here and there. The morning wake up call is still going strong though.

Now having been in the sun for a few days and being prone to dry flaky skin, I expected some issues. However, my skin has never looked like this. This morning I woke up to scales basically peeling off my body. And I don't mean peeling sun burned skin, I'm talking big dry flakes. Gross, I know. This kid is literally sucking the moisture from my body, as if I had any to give up. No matter how much lotion or baby oil I rub on, a couple hours later, I'm back to flaking.

Exhaustion has been pretty calm. I no longer need afternoon naps. Although I sleep for about 10-12 hours a night. In bed by 9, up at 7 or 8. (Although I made an exception for the Pats last night.) No real food cravings yet, thank goodness. However I have felt the need for chips more often than usual. I'm praying that this child does not change my food habits. I'm hoping since they have been drastically altered for the last 8 months, it will keep the cravings at bay.

I feel like I am just starting to really accept the thought that I'm pregnant. Because I am still cautious knowing that things can change at a moments notice, I'm afraid to truly embrace it. I feel like I'm holding my breath which won't stop until probably January and the 12 week mark. But for now, I wait for reality to set in.

Hello December

Goodbye November! I will not miss you one bit, too much sadness for one month. Thankfully we welcomed December with open arms to good news.

After a smooth flight back from Fort Myers Thursday night, hubby was back to work early Friday. Thinking he would not be able to sneak away for our ultrasound after being away for two weeks, his boss was kind enough to let him leave. We met in Lexington at 11:15 and were escorted in to the room by the same sweet ultrasound tech as last time. New Christmas oven mitts adorned the stirrups, and the heating pad was on high. (It was as comfortable as it could be.)

On the screen showed a large gestational sack and a somewhat fuzzy outline of the baby. Took a few moments but she was able to find the heart beat. A little flicker on the screen took our breath away. Then, we heard a very faint and some what muffled heartbeat. It was a strong 129 beats per minute. In just 10 days the baby has gone from 4mm to 11.5mm. Almost tripling in size.

That was the last appointment we will have with the IVF doctors. It is now time to find a new OB. Although I really like my current OB, he only delivers at Leominster or Worcester. Which don't get me wrong, are both great hospitals. However, I am hoping to use hypnobirthing and a more natural approach to our baby's birth. Emerson guarantees you a private room, welcomes hypnobirthing and has several rooms for water births.

So far, my nausea has passed. I'm feeling pretty good. Although I am still very tired, I feel great. Which I'm sure that now I'm saying this, everything will change. But for now, I am enjoy feeling somewhat normal. I have continued to have swelling and bloating. My belly is already starting to look pregnant. Didn't realize that was possible at 7 weeks, but apparently it is. Pants are already starting to get tight...oh fun.

A Very Somber Day

After being stressed out for two days straight, I was anxious to hear the results of the blood work. Of course, they neglected to call prior to arriving at the wake for my husband's grandfather. My phone was glued to my hand for a good hour before it finally rang. I scurried outside to only get not so great news. Although my hCG level has risen from 900 to 1400, they were still concerned. Then she tells me I have to go for an ultrasound tomorrow morning. At the exact time of the funeral. Because my numbers weren't where they wanted them, they were concerned of an ectopic pregnancy. After sobbing on the phone with the nurse trying to get any other time possible, she informs me they have no other times available. With no other options, I finally give in.

This morning we wake up to a somber house. After frantically trying to get ready (6 family members sharing 2 bathrooms), the phone rings. I'm sharing the bathroom mirror with my sister-in-law while her boyfriend's in the shower. Then we hear screaming, we both freeze, both assuming the dog fell down the stairs. But there were no frantic footsteps descending. The screaming continued. We finally open the bathroom door to see my mother-in-law in tears screaming "Uncle Walter died last night!" On top of all the heart ache of losing a wonderful Papou, we have now lost an amazing uncle. My heart sank at this point. Knowing most horrible things come in threes, I was petrified that we would be getting bad baby news.

We left our family in tears and drove the 30 mins to Lexington. We were 20 mins early and were thankfully greeted by the ultrasound tech ready to take us in. Now I have had some strange techs before who don't tell you a thing. This woman was fantastic! She explained everything she saw and didn't see. I knew as soon as she shifted to my uterus and there was a little black dot on the screen, that it was good news. Our little embryo has implanted in the right place and is growing strong. My ovaries have almost doubled in size due to cysts producing all the hormones I need. We met with the nurse practitioner after who had only positive things to say.

The benefit of going through IVF and having low numbers, they monitor you every week. In 10 days we will return to have a second ultrasound done. At this time, we hope to see a heart beat. If that is the case, we are then handed off to our OB and treated like a normal pregnancy.

Tuesday

This is the difficult part about blogging. There are things that I just don't want to talk about or share. But this is the reason for doing it. In hopes that this will help someone else along the way.

So the blood work done on Friday showed that my hCG levels have not been elevating properly. We went back Sunday morning for a fourth round of bloodwork. Having been excited that we were 5 weeks, we were staying positive. About 1:30pm the nurse phoned. My hCG went from 637 to 900. Approximately every 48 hours, the level should double. The nurse was not very reassuring. I am to go back Tuesday morning for a fifth round of blood work. If my levels are not showing the correct elevation, it is possible the pregnancy will need to be terminated.

I hung up the phone and immediately sobbed for a good 10 mins. Thankfully my husband was with me during the phone call. We laid in bed for about 20 mins, not speaking. There are no words to describe how I'm feeling. After two years of trying, and months of drugs and procedures, to have gotten this far and be sent right back to where we started is devastating.

I moped around the house for most of the day, trying to process everything. My husband keeping one eye on me to make sure I was all right. I finally went online and started researching normal hCG levels in early pregnancy. Only 85% of successful pregnancies show the elevated levels accurately. Which means 15% of pregnancies don't. It also mentioned that the levels can double anywhere between 48-72 hours. Although this gives me some hope, I'm still afraid that this won't end well. The nausea has subsided, I'm not nearly as tired as I was. I have had some cramping again, but no spotting.

On top of dealing with all of this, my husband's grandfather passed away on Friday. I get to have blood work and potentially devastating news on the same day as his wake. The positive energy is quickly dwindling.

Laughter Cures Everything

What is it about November that has me jinxed? To catch you up to speed, last two weeks have been extremely difficult. Between family members in hospice care, another one diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, one having surgery and another one having heart failure, it has been two stressful weeks. Although I've been feeling pretty calm, apparently I have been putting too much stress on my body.

I drove, for what I expected to be, my last round of blood work. Didn't stall or go the wrong way down a one way today, so it started off pretty good. No pouring rain, no horrible drivers. They drew my blood, then I ran home for a quick breakfast, packed and booked it out the door. Filling in at the gym, my phone rings finally around 1:15. The nurse explains that my hCG levels are at 637, which they hoped would be around 800 by now. She explains that it's nothing to panic about, I could simply be one of those people who's levels just don't increase at the same rate. Why would my body do anything right? Story of my life.

So, I still feel good about this pregnancy. I'm staying positive in light of the news. I'm not giving up on this little guy/gal. It's time for some extreme relaxation and pampering. Starting with a much needed girls night to laugh my sorrows away. Followed by a 4th round of blood work Sunday morning. Until then, time for a little R&R....

4 Weeks

Yesterday morning I headed back to the doctor's to have a second round of blood work. It was pouring rain yet again therefore every horrible driver decided to come out. Took an extra 10 mins to get there and I ended up going the wrong way down a one way. Oh well.

For the first time in my life, I was finally able to watch the nurse draw the blood from my arm. I guess that's what happens, a little desensitization after months of giving yourself injections.

I thankfully received the phone call from the nurse around 3pm. My hCG level has continued to rise which means the little poppy seed inside me is still growing. I also learned that they ask for three days of blood work just the ensure things are going smoothly. They also schedule a 7 week ultrasound to check on the fetus, heart beat and how many babies are really in there. Seeing as they only implanted one embryo, I'm praying that's how many have grown.

As for side affects, the nausea has continued and intensified. At about 10am, my stomach is continuously flipping. My skin has been really itchy for a few days now, not sure if it's related. My appetite has gotten bigger and I swear my uterus has already grown. Hubby thinks I'm just super excited, so it's all in my head. However I did get him to agree last night that my lower region seems a little more obtrusive.

As for right now, I'm 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant and couldn't be happier! Tomorrow morning is more blood work, then off for a much deserved girls night.

Survey Says......

Being the impatient person that I am, I could not simply wait until today for the bloodtest. I've taken four home pregnancy tests, all with the same results. So needless to say I was not surprised by the outcome:

WE ARE PREGNANT!

Although it is super early, I wanted to share this wonderful news with all of you. If it had not been for all your love, support, prayers and positive energy, I don't know where we'd be. I now ask that because this is so early, that you continue to pray that we are able to carry to term a healthy little bundle. Although I would love to talk and share every detail, I am still hesitant seeing as I'm only about 4 weeks along. I will continue to write and keep you all updated, but I ask not to be the victim of twenty questions. I hope you can understand.

So now that you're informed I can share that for the past two weeks I have been cramped, nauseous and exhausted. (I'm not crazy after all.) I am emotional and seem to be crying at anything and everything. Every smell hits me differently. None seem to be good. Besides all the side affects, we couldn't be happier. It has been a long two years and we are thrilled that this has finally worked for us. We are remaining hopeful that this little decimal point is our first child.

Again, thank you for all the love and support! We are truly blessed, all around!

Stinky

So there isn't much to report today. I've been taken over by a cold the last couple of days, so the exhaustion has really set in. I'm continuing to have cramping which has thankfully toned down a little. I am still getting tired at 3pm every day but the nauseous has subsided. It has been replaced with dizziness and irritation. I notice myself losing patience much quicker than usual, and trying to do anything at more than a snails pace, makes my head spin. The past couple of days, even with a cold, I can smell everything and everything smells bad. Woke up to the dog about 2 feet from my face and all I could smell was whiffs of poop, which was no where in sight thankfully.

I am continuing to pray that these are all legitimate signs and I'm not fabricating them in my mind. As much as I know they are real, I am still truly worried that this hasn't worked. We have waited two years to see a positive pee stick that turns into a pregnancy and hope that this is it. As optimistic as I've tried to remain, there is always that feeling of doubt that creeps in. (We have laid out this little fleece pj set covered in a rubber ducky pattern hoping that it will help.)

I've done all the research on cribs and mattresses, fabric diapers and I really feel ready now. God always has a plan and no matter how badly you want something, there's always a right time. Although it has been painful to wait two years, I really feel it's been for the best. We are more ready now than we ever have been. Those two years have let us truly prepare for what we are wishing. (Although you can never be really prepared to have children, you can feel prepared.) We've had five great years alone enjoying our marriage and life. It's time to invite a little one into our world. I hope this one is it. :)

PUPO

I have been researching alot these last couple of days. Trying to find out what positive and negative signs to look for over the next week. Apparently it is a good thing that at 3pm every day I want to crawl into bed or run to hug the porcelain bowl. I began having cramps on Saturday but was afraid to acknowledge them. They feel very similar to menstrual cramps, but they are less intense and dissipate quickly. From what I have read, this is my uterus beginning to expand to make room for a baby.

It has been discouraging listening to other couple's stories. Many people we've spoken to, had to have two embryo transfers before they saw positive results. I have finally heard from a dear friend that her son and daughter in law were successful on their first try. Ever since the transfer, hubby and I have had a good feeling. We both waited to relay this to one another in fear of jinxing ourselves. However, I am still feeling positive and am hopeful that all these signs mean we will be successful first try.

I have been contemplating whether or not to divulge if the transfer has been successful on this blog. Many people are more reserved when it comes to this topic, I however feel it's important to share and be honest with friends and family. Knowing how many couples go through this as well, I am feeling more confident in my decision to share our journey. So you will be kept informed of the ups and downs of this process. We both strongly believe that sharing this with our friends and family has been the best decision. It has ensured us many prayers, thoughts and positive energy which has made all of the difference. For that, we thank you! We do ask that you continue to pray for us in hopes that we will be lucky enough to bare a child.

PS- I have also come to embrace a term I found yesterday: PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). Now whether they mean treat your body like it's pregnant, or in fact that you are pregnant, doesn't matter to me. I'm going to start referring to myself as a PUPO. :)

Oh So Tired....

Friday morning I headed off to the embryo transfer alone in the pouring rain. We assumed that the appointment would be in the afternoon, and hubby would be home by then. However, I was scheduled for 11:50am with arrival time of 10:50am. Therefore, no Hubby.

Upon arrival I am asked to drink about three large glasses of water. This is to ensure that your bladder is full during the procedure. The bladder acts as a door or a window depending on if it's empty of full. She also informs me that from the day prior to today, a few of our embryos have become blastocytes. A blastocyte indicates that the embryo has divided so many times it now contains over 100 cells. This is great news! The one they will be implanting is an extreme blastocyte, meaning it is well past the 100 cells. We have about 3 others at the same stage that will be able to be frozen as well.

At about 11:30 I'm brought into a private transfer room. (Odd thing #1: The nurse's name assigned to me was Vallorie, the same as my mother in law.) She gives me two warm sheets to wrap around myself. Then I sit and wait. The room is pretty standard, except it has a door on either side. One leading to the hall, the other leads directly into the lab. Through the doorway I can hear them listening to the radio. Piano Man comes on, makes me smile.

At about 11:45 the ultrasound tech comes in to be sure my bladder is full. Very nice older woman who informs me that my bladder looks perfect. (Odd thing #2: She then tells me that the doctor doing the procedure today is Dr. Pang. Same name as my OB I've been seeing for a couple years. Funny little Asian man with a great sense of humor.) She also explains how the procedure is going to go.

11:50am Dr. Pang comes in. Into the stirrups I go. I have opted out for the Vallium, so at this point I'm focusing on my breathing. He inserts the catheter and the ultrasound tech places her magic wand over my uterus. The adjacent wall holds a flat screen TV that then displays our little embryo. They take it's picture and place it in my bag. The ultrasound screen is then angled towards me. The lab tech, a gorgeous man in his early thirties comes in and hands the embryo to Dr. Pang. On the screen you can see the catheter tube then a couple little bubbles come out. Then my little embryo drops right into my uterus where it floats down then rests. And there it is, our little embryo inside. I wait about 10 mins, laying down to ensure the little guys doesn't move. Then I'm off.

(This is our little embryo)

Hubby arrived home at about 3. We snuggled on the couch until 4 then left for my acupuncture appointment. I had 6 needles on both sides of my body. Two in the ear, one in the hand, one in the thigh, one below the knee and one in the ankle. Surprisingly you do feel them, just a quick sting though. (Nothing compared to giving yourself shots twice a day.) The amazing part, I could actually feel the Chi or energy running through my body from those points. It's a pretty incredible feeling. After 10 mins, she returns to twist the needles. Then I lay for another 15 mins and I'm done.

Saturday and Sunday, 3pm I feel like I hit a wall. I'm immediately tired and feel like I need a nap. I've been slightly nauseous both days as well. My pregnancy test is scheduled for Mon. the 15th. Until then, I'll probably pee on a dozen sticks. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for all the prayers!

A Positive Approach to Infertility

As I get closer to my embryo transfer date, I'm reminded of a conversation with a dear friend. She was explaining to me a similar situation her friend and  spouse were going through. Although her friend's husband had a low sperm count and motility, she was able to conceive through infertility treatments, but was unable to stay pregnant. At this point, whether it be her anger at the situation or something else entirely, she began to blame her husband for their issues.

(I'm going to get on my soap box for a moment.)

Whether it is you or your spouse that has the infertility issue, it should not matter. No blame should ever be put on the other person. The bond of marriage should be strong enough that you know that this is YOUR problem, not either of you individually. Most likely, your spouse already feels bad enough that they are not able to conceive naturally. You are only adding more stress and heart ache to your marriage. Instead, comfort your spouse letting them know that you will get through this together. No matter what the circumstances are, you should be reassuring them that they had/have no control over the situation. That is the only way to face this, positively.

(Climbing down now.)

Just to follow up from yesterday, I spoke with the nurse regarding the nipple issue. Apparently it is completely normal to have this affect from the hormones that I have been "inserting" into myself the last couple of days. Although it's uncomfortable, I'm told it will pass. My left ovary is feeling pretty painful today, most likely from the rain. (barometric pressure?) I'm treating myself to 90 min slow walk on the treadmill, hot yoga and a warm bath tonight so that I will be nice and relaxed for tomorrow. :)

Friday's The Big Day

Ok, so all those dreams and weird feelings I've been having about twins, is hopefully out the window. We got word this morning that our little embryos are growing well and our transfer day will be Friday. Hubby was supposed to fly home Thursday, but because of the conference timing, he will be flying home Friday morning. I have been told that the transfers are done in the afternoons. I am going to put a call into the doctor today though, to see if we can be last or near the end of the day. Just to be sure hubby can be there.

(Part of writing this blog is to be as honest as possible with my readers. So I apologize ahead of time for any family members reading this. You may want to skip this part.)

The second thing I need to talk to the doctor about is my nipples. Yes, I know, no one wants to hear about them. But ever since my procedure on Sunday, the have been so erect I feel like they are going to start shooting laser beams. Now whether this is due to the change in temperatures, or they hit something down there, it is starting to hurt. Never mind the fact that I am becoming that obnoxious girl who's nipples are always showing. This is a serious problem. My breast are also extremely sore all the time. Nothing seems to be helping either problem.

My goal for the next couple of days is to have a couple moderate work outs and continue my yoga. I am hoping in doing so my cervix will be a nicely relaxed muscle. Saturday I have already scheduled to have acupuncture done. I will continue to remain as calm as possible and keep channeling positive energy to my uterus. :) (I can't help but think of "Knocked Up" when her sister has about a million Red Bulls and says "POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE". That's the current image in my head.)

7 Little Embryos Sitting In a Dish....

The last couple days I have been in a decent amount of pain. My lower abdomen has been really swollen and sore. This morning I woke up feeling alot better. The swelling has subsided and the pain is bearable.

Liz, my nurse coordinator just phoned. (You really do learn as you go in this process. As soon as you think you understand the process, something new is stated.) So she has called to schedule my transfer for tomorrow. My first question is "Do none of them look good?!" She quickly responds no. They always tentatively schedule the transfer on day 3. Because the embryos can change drastically from hour to hour, they schedule on day 3, call the morning of and either confirm or push it off to day 5.

So as of right now, my arrival time tomorrow is 1:30pm and my transfer time is 2:30pm. I was told by the nurses on Sunday that they suggest Valium, a muscle relaxer, to be taken the day of transfer. Being the hippie that I am, that doesn't sound ideal to me. Especially when I am trying to convince a petri-dish grown embryo that it now belongs in my nice warm body. Let's add some drugs to the mix...no thank you! Thankfully, Liz agreed with me that taking the Valium isn't necessary. I am however going to be having the acupuncture done the day after transfer. (whatever helps)

Liz also stated that I have a total of 7 embryos growing. Somehow we have gone from 16 follicles, to 11 eggs to 7 embryos. I'm just happy the little guys are growing!!! Fingers crossed that they look good enough to wait till Friday.

Grow little embryos grow! Mommy & Daddy love you and can't wait to meet you!

It's a Man's World

Sunday morning, Halloween. We are up at 6am, showering and heading out the door. We get to the doctor's about 7:20am. The nurses greet us and escort me to the bathroom to change into a robe. We are brought to one of the 5 semi private gurneys and are given heated blankets. They administer my IV with fluids and Cyro. The antibiotic Cypro is to ensure I do not get any infections from the procedure. It's precautionary.

At 8am, Hubby is brought to a private room for his "retrieval". The room is equipped with a leather sofa, tv, dvds and magazines. I'm stuck on a gurney in a hospital robe and my husband is given every luxury to perform his task. It really is a man's world.

He returns prior to my procedure. He waits with me as the short, rotund anesthesiologist waddles over. He asks a couple routine questions then waddles away. A nurse comes over after and walks me to the surgical room. I'm given the anesthesia and am out cold in about 30 seconds. I wake up about an hour later back on the gurney with my husband. I'm given a Ginger Ale and some crackers and eat them slowly. It takes about 30 mins before I'm comfortable to get up. Hubby helps me dress and we leave.

My lower abdomen is swollen and in pain. I am only able to take Tylenol to relieve the pain. I slept for a couple hours on the sofa. Ate a little. All in all, I feel okay. The nurse recommended drinking Gatorade and eating a high protein diet to help keep fluids from building up in my body. She also explained that my eggs would be injected with my husband's sperm that day. They will watch the embryos grow and phone us on Tuesday. Hubby left this morning for Nashville, so either way he will miss the transfer. So now, I just wait. Tuesday we will know more.

Waterballoons

So the past couple of my days, my ovaries have felt like water balloons. Stuffed to the max with little eggs that are somehow protruding into my back and causing some pain. Thinking I'm being a hypochondriac, I head to my follow up blood work and ultrasound Friday morning. I thankfully get the friendly and cheerful ultrasound tech who lets you look at the screen and explains what everything is. She first starts by stating "You have a beautiful endometrium. Bet you won't hear that again today" with a smile.

She then continues to ask "Are you feeling uncomfortable at all?" I looked at her and laughed and made the water balloon comment. She chuckled and says "No wonder, you have a 24, 20.5, 19.5, 19, and 17 all on your left side!" Apparently, that's huge and impressive in the gyno world. She was being careful not to press too hard, knowing the pain it may cause. She then moved along to the right side. I have approximately 11 eggs on that side that are over 10, never mind a couple little guys hanging around. All in all I have about 16 eggs that will be mature enough. I left there feeling very happy and elated.

About 3:30 that afternoon, Nurse Liz phones. She goes over all my blood work and then reads off all of the egg counts. I am ready for retrieval!!!! I respond "Ya!", she does the same. (I love that this office gets so excited with you.) My egg retrieval is scheduled for Sunday, October 31st, Halloween at 8:30am. (Now I am seeing this as a "treat" instead of a "trick", atleast it better be the treat.) The even better news, Hubby will be able to be there with me. Most likely he'll still be in Nashville when they do the transfer, but atleast he gets to see all the eggs. This also means no freezing of his little guys.

I hang up the phone, and yup you guessed it, cried. Cut me a little slack, I'm hopped up on hormones and things are finally falling into place. I am trying not to get too excited because there's still two more steps.
The Steps:
1. Make embryos
2. Get pregnant
3. Stay pregnant
So everyone, please say a prayer tomorrow morning when you are hungover and covered in costume make up that the procedure goes well.
Happy Halloween everyone!

Almost there

The past couple of days I have been super tired. This morning at work, I could barely keep my eyes open. Now whether that's because I did 2.5 hours of yoga last night, the dog barking at 3:30am or my body continuously trying to grow eggs, whatever it is, I'm pooped!

I woke up 10 mins late this morning, so I quickly threw some clothes on and ran out the door. The nurse had asked me to get to my appointment 10 mins early and of course I get stuck behind every horrible driver on the road. Leaving early, I got there 5 mins late. There was a new ultrasound tech there today. She seemed nice enough, very business like. She did mention that my left side had two at 19cc!!! Which was fabulous news, but all the others were around 13 still.

I got a call around 1pm from the nurse. As stated, I have 2 at 19cc and 1 at 16cc!!! Plus a bunch of others all measuring around 15-11. This is fabulous! I am to take the same two shots tonight and return tomorrow morning for another follow up. I am praying that by then the 16 will reach 17. If not, my poor husband will have to "go" in a cup Monday morning so they can freeze his little men, then book it to Manchester, NH to fly to Nashville for 4 days and he will miss everything. If I can get three by tomorrow, I will take my trigger shot Friday evening, and have the egg retrieval Sunday morning. Still at best, my husband will be states away when I possibly conceive. (Oh modern medicine.)

On a side note, I've been leaning to more of a natural way of living lately, which my husband now refers to me as a hippie. Yet last night, we were laying in bed and he put his hand over my ovaries. He was giving my eggs positive energy. Who's the hippie now? The amazing part was I could feel when he lost focus and when he was channelling positive energy. While at yoga, I kept visualizing my eggs growing and multiplying. (The power of thought is amazing, don't underestimate it.)

Back to the point of this story. I've been doing research on diapers, food, yoga, acupuncture, and I am amazed at all the information the world has to offer. I found an all natural, whole food multi vitamin called Megafoods Baby and Me, I plan on picking up today. And discovered there's research that having acupuncture the day after your embryo transfer increases your success rate by 65%!!!! There are several super foods you should eat while trying to conceive as well: maca, royal jelly and spirulina. If you're thinking you will be starting IVF in the near future, start eating and taking these things now. It is recommended to begin 90 days prior to IVF treatments.

Tonight's plan: nap, hot yoga, nutritious dinner, shots, relax.

(Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts and prayers! We are so lucky to have such an amazing support system!)

3 at 17

So I may have over estimated the number of eggs the doctor looks for. I had bloodwork and ultrasound yet again yesterday morning. The ultrasound tech did inform me that I had 3 follicles/eggs on my left side over 10cc and three on my right side over 10cc. Apparently this is the size that they look for to count whether or not the egg is viable. Later in the day when the nurse phoned, she did inform me of some great details. They will be monitoring me this week to see when I have three eggs over 17cc. At that point, that is when they schedule the egg retrieval.

As of right now, I have the following:
Left side: 1 @ 17, 1 @ 13, 1 @ 11, 3 under 10
Right side: 1 @ 13, 1 @ 11, 1 @ 10, 4? under 10

Needless to say, my body is responding to the Gonal F just fine. I am however feeling pretty tired and sore. My lower abdomen feels swollen and has a lot of pressure. This is obviously caused by the numerous eggs protruding out of my ovaries. (It is to the point that it is uncomfortable to sit in my favorite jeans. Not a feeling I was hoping for this early in the game.) I did however make it to a heated yoga class last night. Probably wasn't the best idea seeing as the swelling I have and the continued pain in my shoulder from that stupid tetanus shot. I do feel better this morning because of it though. I will need to start researching whether or not it is safe to continue heated yoga classes while pregnant. We shall see.

As for now, I am returning to the doctors tomorrow morning for follow up bloodwork and ultrasound. Fingers crossed...

Dizzy

Friday afternoon I left work around 2pm, and headed for the grocery store. I had a couple last minute items to pick up before hosting our monthly girl's night. I ran through the store like a crazy person trying to find my last minute ingredients and booked it home. I pulled into the driveway around 3:30 and began prepping all the food. The girls arrived around 4pm and we quickly gathered in the kitchen and began making dinner.

This also happened to be the first night I was to begin the GonalF injections. Ironically, the friend who first administered my Lupron shot was over again for yet another first. This shot is a little more intense than the Lupron. I must say, doctor's are pretty trusting of patients these days. The Lupron injections are filled and stabbed by yours truly. The GonalF is an injectable pen that has a certain amount of the medication already enclosed. However, I am responsible for cleaning and applying the needle. I then select the dosage the doctor has prescribed, and jab myself. Thankfully, it wasn't too hard to get used to. Although I am now sticking myself twice instead of once.

Saturday was a breeze, I hardly felt any side affects. I did notice I was having trouble falling asleep though. Sunday, we were driving up to a family christening and about half way into the ride, my stomach began to curl. I started getting dizzy and a little nauseous. I was assuming it was from the lack of sleep all weekend, but it didn't pass. We arrived at the church, and I was in need of sitting. When I tried to stand, I would become dizzy again. So I took it easy, and just listened to my body. We did make it to the party after, but only for about 2 hours. My stomach was still upset, and I could feel my lower region was swollen.

This morning I woke up to the same pain and cramping in my lower abdomen. Thankfully I had a physical scheduled at 10am. (Be advised, you need to have a physical within a year of having any egg retrieval procedures done. They need to have confirmation that your heart and lungs have been checked prior to anesthesia.) So this morning I was treated to the works: pap, breast exam, lung check, heart check, ending with a tetanus shot, which my arm is terribly sore from. Which means probably no yoga for me tonight because my arm and shoulder are super tender. Tomorrow morning is my first follow up to see how the GonalF is working. Until then....

I would like to state one thing that alot of people have been asking me about. I did mention to my doctor today that I eat vegan. Her words were : "Wow, that's great! Good for you!" She did continue to ask if my diet included an assortment of vitamins and minerals, and I assured her it did. So people, as long as you are aware of the things your body needs, it is perfectly fine to follow a vegan diet, even when trying to conceive.

Moving On

Once again, I hurled myself out of bed this morning and drove back to the doctors for more blood work and an ultrasound. (Thankfully I was not told any horror stories by the nurses.) Instead, I was greeted in the waiting room by a friendly two year old there with her mother (who I am guessing is trying for number two). Had my blood drawn, then crawled up on the heated table for my ultrasound. Apparently my left ovary is not very photogenic and kept hiding on the tech. Thankfully the right is very photogenic. She did mention that they both still looked calm and surpressed.

I got home and did some laundry and cleaned up our bedroom, which was an absolute mess. Drove myself to the gym around 2 for work. My phone finally rang around 2:45. The foreign and very difficult to understand, nurse begins asking me if I sent in my physical exam report. Obviously confused by this because 1. I'm expecting results, and 2. I've faxed that thing twice! I finally assure her I will fax it, yet again, today. She then says "I have your test results" and pauses like she's reading the finale results on Idol. "You will be starting the GonalF on the 22nd, Friday." I immediately respond "THANK GOD!" which she gave a little chuckle to.

Needless to say, I cried. I am so relieved that we can finally start the next step. I am trying to remain calm and positive, praying that will make a difference. So starting Friday, I will now be injecting myself with two shots a night. I am scheduled to go back on Tuesday for them to check my progress.

So for those of you not familiar with my treatment protocol or how this all works, here it is.

Lupron: quiets your ovaries and keeps them from releasing/ovulating your egg. Instead, it keeps the egg tucked snugly in your ovary. Depending on how your body responds, this can take anywhere from 10 days to 14 days.
Gonal F: makes your body produce multiple eggs. The doctor wants to see between 10 to 15 eggs before they schedule the retrieval which can take anywhere from 8 to 12 days. This is taken along with the Lupron for 4-7 days.
Noveral: or trigger shot is taken the day before the egg retrieval. This is to help complete the maturation of the eggs.
Egg Retrieval: done with general anesthesia, you are knocked out for about 15 mins. They make a small puncture in your ovary and remove all the eggs.
Injecting with Sperm: prior to this, my husband gives a sample about a day or two before. This gives the doctors time to see which sperm are the strongest and most viable. Then they take the best looking "boys" and inject one into each of my eggs. They watch them for three days. Depending on how the embryos look, they will either schedule the transfer or wait two more days. (If none of the embryos look good, they will implant 2 on day 3. If a few of them look good, they wait until day 5 and take the best embryo, and implant that one.)
Embryo Transfer: they will either take one great looking embryo, or two poor looking embryos. The doctor has assured us that the embryos do not determine what kind of child we get, (bad looking embryo does not equal bad looking child). With the use of a catheter, or small tube, they will implant the embryo in my cervix. I will need to wait 30-60 mins before moving to give it time to make its way.
Hormonal Therapy: is either another set of shots, or a vaginal gel. After injecting myself for about a month, I opted for the gel. These hormones are given to help enhance the likelihood of conception.
Pregnancy Test: After two weeks they then schedule blood work and ultrasound to determine if the procedure has actually created a fetus. There is only a 50% chance that the procedure will work. The good news at this point is once they have embryos we can choose to freeze them so that we do not need to go through the whole process again. We can simply take the embryos and implant. Luckily Mass. insurance covers for 6 months of freezing. After that, it's out of pocket.

So please say a prayer, cross your fingers and toes that this will continue to go smoothly!

The Show Must Go On

After Friday's appointment, I jumped in my car and headed to NH to babysit my nephews for the weekend. Two toddler boys, one's almost three the other is 19 months, both absolutely adorable! I spent the day alone with them and hubby came up around 8pm. This was the first time my husband was watching kids for more than a couple hours. I was nervous to see how he would do, or if he would even want kids after this. But I must say, the weekend was a success. If anything, it assured me how ready he really is to be a Dad. Between the poop incident, the crying for Mommy, the up at 530am, and the overall exhaustion, he and I were both in heaven.

The oldest had a tough time Sunday when I had to leave. His parents weren't back yet, so another family member came over for a couple hours. There is nothing like a gripping child around your neck asking you not to leave to melt your heart. The youngest gave a hug and a kiss and waved his chubby little hand, content as can be.

As if it wasn't difficult enough to have to leave the little guys after three whole days, I was on my way to a baby shower. My husband has been friends with the expectant father since high school, and his wife and I have become very good friends over the years. We started trying to conceive a year prior to them. (They are one of the lucky couples that only took a couple tries.) I am so happy for them, but it is difficult to watch their pregnancy progress. I wasn't sure how I was going to do at the shower, but I some how managed to get through it.

There was a moment or two when I was asked how our cycle was going, and my eyes welled up. I was able to redirect my thoughts and not let a tear slip. Once the shower was over, I got in my car, threw on my sunglasses, drove out of the lot and began to cry. I got home, hubby was still out, but my in laws were there. I kept my glasses on and went into my room. Controlled myself, and emerged. My father in law was suiting up for a bike ride, so it was just my mother in law and I. Each conversation we had, my eyes would start to water. I finally gave in, and just began sobbing. It lasted about a good hour.

For those of you going through the same thing, you can understand the need for tears. As happy as you are to see your friends elated during their pregnancies, it is so heart wrenching to watch. The entire time I was at the shower, all I could think was its supposed to be my shower. I was supposed to be first. How can it be so easy for some, yet practically impossible for others? I'm at the point where I don't even care if we have to adopt, I just want to know if this will work so I can take the next step. I just want to be a mom! Thankfully, my mother in law is a rock and let me just cry and yell. I cried out almost all of my emotions. It's really the waiting and the unanswered questions that's the hardest.

I woke up Monday morning, to puffy, black eyes and a very sweet text from my expectant friend. Yesterday and today, I have still been very emotional. I started cramping yesterday and had some slight spotting. I woke this morning to a full blown period which should make for an interesting appointment tomorrow.

Another 5 Days....

Oh where to begin...

Friday morning I pulled myself out of bed at 7am, threw on a hat and hoodie and ran out the door for my appointment. Blood work and ultrasound day. I have been feeling really good this cycle and I really think it's the yoga that is making a difference. I am trying to go once a day, knowing I will miss a class here and there. If you haven't tried heated yoga, I strongly recommend you do. Talk about therapeutic! Anyways, I drive to my appointment in the freezing rain and cyclone winds we were blessed with Friday. I get my blood drawn and then sit and wait for my ultrasound. Since restarting the Lupron, I missed my period. Trust me, I'm not complaining. But I was hoping it was a good sign.

My name is called and I scurry into the room. Remove my pants and undies and wrap myself in that horribly scratchy "sheet" they provide. I crawl up onto the table and spread my legs. Ahhh, a nicely heated table, (at least there's one comforting thing). Now why is it, every nurse or ultrasound tech insists on sharing their terribly negative stories on conceiving?! Sorry lady, but I do not want to hear about your 6 tries it took to conceive through infertility treatments. That is not a motivating story I want to hear this morning. The only redeeming moment this woman had, she did tell me my ovaries were calm and suppressed. Finally, a positive moment! I try not to get too excited and keep my emotions at bay. I put my bottoms back on and walk out to my car. I begin to drive away a tear up just slightly. I am relieved and calm. Hoping this means the next step.

I get a call mid afternoon from my nurse. Although my ovaries are calm, one of my levels (which I couldn't even begin to process at that moment) was too high. She barks something about being 296 when it should be 70. She then states a few other stats that resembles an adults' voice from the Peanuts. No clue what this woman said to me except I have to wait another 5 days and repeat the blood work and ultrasound.

I am beginning to question my doctor. Why isn't she upping my dosage knowing my levels are too high and last time we tried this, I ovulated through?! Just more unanswered questions rattling around in my brain.

Round Two

A weeks vacation! The perfect way to start round two. Hubby and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary, so we headed north for a little R&R. (If you have yet to visit Stowe, VT, especially Trapp Family Lodge, I strongly recommend you put it on your bucket list. Breathtaking views, organic farms, and vegan friendly restaurants. I'm in heaven!)

Monday morning we took an early morning drive to S. Burlington to complete some blood work. The nurse was lovely. Sweet woman that shared a personal story of her conceiving experience. I am slowly starting to see that every woman has a story. Some are happy, some are not so happy, but all have ended with a precious little child. Here's my story:

For the past several months, before we really knew of the difficulty we would have conceiving, I like every other woman peed on a stick 5 days before my period was due. (A little eager, I know.) There have been several times that I would have a faint or light line appear. If you actually read the package, like I did, you will notice that even a faint line is considered a positive. I would then try again a day or two later, and the line would slowly start to disappear. These are called chemical pregnancies. (50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.) A chemical pregnancy is when you first conceive, but for whatever reason, it quickly terminates. It is extremely discouraging to the point where it starts to convince you that you are crazy. But I checked with my doctor, and she agrees most likely, that is whats happening to me.

This past weekend, it happened again. I had the darkest line I had ever seen, but Monday's blood work stated I was not pregnant and could begin the Lupron again. So here I am, 7 days after starting and I actually feel great. I am going to guess that not taking the pill has something to do with it. I am having no cravings, I'm not emotional, completely different than last time. I am however noticing some irritability and lack of appetite. I woke up yesterday with a rash on my neck, chest, and one arm & shoulder. Putting a call into the doctor today because it has yet to disappear. I am praying it is not an allergic reaction to the medication, I do not want another interruption.

On a side note for my family: Friday afternoon as hubby and I were getting in the car there was an enormous rainbow that filled the sky directly in front of us. I am taking that as a sign that this time feels different, because it will be different. Always good to have people looking over us! Hugs and kisses

Peace

I feel like I need to make a correction to my last post:

It is difficult to be happy for people I don't know, it is far easier to be happy for friends and family who are expecting.

I had the pleasure of meeting the newest addition to our family on Sunday. Baby Hannah is absolutely beautiful! It's been a good year and a half since we've had a newborn in the family (for our family, that's a long time). It's amazing to see just how little they really are. Cute as a button and radiates heat when you hold her. (Which did not stop me from stealing her for a good hour to snuggle.)

As I'm holding this precious little girl in my arms, embracing the sweet powder smell, I am at peace. I'm not upset, emotional, hurt, nothing. Not one ounce of jealousy is raising through my head. I am calm, happy for my cousin and her family.

Baby Hannah has some how renewed my hopes and prepared me for the next round of IVF. I am going to continue to assume that the little lady has given us some luck.

A week from today I begin the second round of Lupron. Please continue to pray for us as we attempt this again.

Babies, Babies Everywhere

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with infertility, is listening to everyone else tell you their pregnant. No matter how happy you want to be for the person telling you, there's a little piece of you screaming inside.

We attended a house warming this past weekend for a college friend. Standing in their beautifully finished basement mingling with some people we didn't know, in walks another couple. She was glowing, wrapped in a chocolate brown shrug and leggings. She unwraps the shrug to reveal a 4 month baby bump. I have never met this girl in my life, but I am instantly crushed. I fake a believable smile and say congratulations. Her cheerful husband than states the one line that's like a stake in a vampires heart "it only took one month!".

I some how managed to listen to them discuss their excitement, the names they picked out, how quickly it happened, blah blah blah. I last about 5 minutes. My husband continuously looking in my direction every 30 seconds to be sure I wasn't going to break down. I finally eloquently pull myself away from the conversation, my husband right behind. Quick to give me a squeeze and ensure I'm okay.

I can't express how wonderful he has been to me. I know this is hard on him too, but he continuously surprises me. We were sitting alone in our room the other day, tears in my eyes blubbering "it isn't fair". He replies "Nothings fair. But do you think any couple is as lucky as we are? Who has the relationship we do?" That man is my heart.

Oh the waiting....

This week has flown by! Between working, yoga, working out, seeing friends and family, I can't believe it's already Friday. My mood has improved dramatically since the Lupron has left my system and I'm seeing the positives from the first attempt. Positive: I can have some wine tonight with a very dear friend. I can go zip lining, mountain biking and enjoy some more wine next weekend up north. My skinny jeans fit and I'm not running home to put my pj's on everyday. I'd say that's cause for celebration!

Is it crazy to think about starting a new career while trying to conceive? Health is something I've definitely been thinking alot about lately. It amazes me how little people really know about nutrition and the importance of eating healthy. I want to enlighten people, I want to share what I know. I want to learn more about it! I feel like a kid lately, thriving for knowledge. The older I get, the more I want to learn. I think I'm going to become one of those crazy people who makes a list of goals for a year, like the wife in "Marley And Me". Maybe that will help me to stay focused and optimistic.

Any thoughts?

Feeling Like Myself Again

After a very disappointing Sunday and a pretty somber Monday, you'd think I would still be down. However, hubby let me cry it out last night, and this morning I woke up feeling refreshed! As I'm walking to the bathroom for my morning pee, I start feeling ridiculously painful cramps. She has arrived! Thankfully I did not have to wait long. I did wait to call my nurse though, sometimes these things can be misleading. Fortunately, Flo has definitely arrived. (Never thought I'd be happy to see her.)

Only two days off of Lupron and I'm already starting to feel like myself. Thank the Lord I do not have to go back on the pill. My nurse still seems to think I'm crazy, but the pill makes me form cysts. So if I can avoid that step, sorry lady, but I'm taking it.

This cycles plan: wait 21 days, bloodwork, then begin Lupron. After about 8-10 days, more bloodwork and ultrasound to determine if I can start the Gonal F. Take that for about 8-12 days, with continuous monitoring. Once we have the go ahead, last injection, then egg retrieval, then implant.

Please say a prayer that this cycle goes smoothly. I start yoga classes tomorrow to hopefully calm my nerves a bit. Anyone familiar with hypnobirthing? I'd love to hear your stories!

PS-Thank you everyone for your continued support! We have been overwhelmed with the feed back and touching stories people have shared. We are so blessed to have such an amazing support system! As promised, I will keep you up to date on everything that's happening.

Disappointment

I crawl out of bed Sunday morning, throw some clothes on and run out the door for a doctor's appointment. I drive myself to Lexington (first time in the standard) and managed to stall twice. I arrive 5 minutes early to find about 12 other women sitting in the waiting room for their blood work and ultrasounds to be done as well. Pretty normal, because the techs seem to work quickly. Apparently that was not the case on this day.

They are quick to draw my blood, but the nurse mentions that the ultrasound tech is running behind due to an emergency this morning. So I assume maybe 30 mins late? Nope, they were running 90 mins late! The upside to waiting, the 5 other women in the waiting room were all just as annoyed as I was so we all got to chatting.

It was comforting to be able to discuss openly what we were all feeling and going through. I must say, leaving 6 women hopped up on hormones alone, and frustrated in a waiting room, is never a good idea! However, we made best of the situation.

After two hours of waiting, I was finally out of there. I headed home to meet up with my in laws to then drive to see hubby helping out a friend at a car show. I was there for about 30 mins before I get the phone call from my nursing team. I am then informed that I have several small cysts on my left ovary and three decent size cysts on my right. A 10mm, 24 mm and a 32mm cyst. My hormone levels are also elevated indicating that I some how managed to ovulate through the Lupron, which is not supposed to happen! What does that mean? I have to stop taking the Lupron, wait for Aunt Flo to show up, then start all over again!

I fight back the tears while on the phone, but as soon as I hang up, the waterworks turn on. My husband is right there to comfort me, but I just keep crying. More waiting. Another three weeks before we can even think about starting the Lupron again. Can anything go according to plan?

Crawling Out Of My Skin

I am physically exhausted yet I can't calm myself down. Everything is bothering me today. I'm annoyed and I feel like every comment my husband makes, is criticism. I realize it's all in my head, but I still can't calm down. We went for a long bike ride this morning, thinking it would help. It did a little, but I'm still irritable. No matter what I do, I'm annoyed. I want to crawl out of my skin, that seems like the only relief I can get.

I'm starting to worry about tomorrow's appointment. If the cysts haven't depleted, we will be set back even more time. I'm tired of the waiting and not knowing! One year off the pill, and one year trying has made for lots of sex and very disappointing periods. The not knowing is torture. It aches inside, in the pit of my stomach that this has to take so long. I'm praying that this is the first and only time we will have to go through this. I don't know how much stronger I can be.

First Week of Lupron

While entertaining dinner guests at our house, I have to pull myself away for my first injection of Lupron. I've watched the video, I know how to fill the syringe, I know the amount and I know where to inject. But nothing prepares you to actually stick a needle in your body! My friend joined me for this little adventure, wondering what it was I would have to do.

I'm holding the needle in my left hand, hovering over my right arm and it hits me: I can't do this! Unsuspecting friend had offered to assist prior to my hesitation. I look up and almost throw the needle at her saying "YOU DO IT". She grabs the needle and it quickly plunges into my arm and immediately leaves. Thank goodness for friends!

The injection sight burns a little for the first couple of minutes but then passes. We return to the dinner party. Within a half hour my face is on fire! I'm not talking "glass of wine, little warm in here". I'm talking third degree burn feeling! I'm tomato red from my neck to forehead. I can't cool down! I literally put my face in the freezer which only helps for the moment. I then try ice packs on my cheeks, relief!!!

Over the next couple days the side affects really start to kick in. (I have a new found respect for any woman going through menopause!) I can't stay focused on anything! My face is continual at red alarm stage, and I am yelling at my poor husband for no reason. Irritable. Bloated. Swollen. TIRED. I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. On top of all of this, I'm learning how to drive a standard.

After a week, the emotions start to take over. I can feel my eyes swelling for no reason at all. And that's where I am now. Almost two weeks in. Just had a follow up blood work and ultrasound to determine if we are ready to start the Gonal F. My ovaries have sprouted cysts (shocking), and my estrogen levels are two high. Another five days, another round of blood work and interior ultrasounds to see if we can begin then. Saying a prayer the cysts depleted and my crazy hormones are in check so we can get moving.

First Appointment

Sitting patiently in the doctor's office, my husband and I nervously await our test results. As suspected, IVF it is. The doctor begins going over all the paper work, which is basically like signing a mortgage. Birth control pill for 3 weeks, 3 sets of injections to be taken over a month's worth of time, egg retrieval and implantation. Awesome. The girl petrified of needles gets to inject herself at least once a day.


My husband of course, who enjoys anything to do with the medical profession, is actually excited. He throws his arm in the air then slams it down to his leg, imitating how the shot will go. Our doctor turns to me and says "Note to self: do not allow your husband to do the injections!". That lightened the mood a little.

I must say, we have had a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing. We try to take things in the best way possible: humorously. Sometimes, that's the only way to deal with this.

The truth is, I'm not terribly surprised that we ended up here. I had had several surgeries on my ovaries when I was in college. I've always had this fear in the back of my mind. Intuition is probably a better word to use than fear.

Just a quick note: Most people who hear IVF, immediately think of multiple births. Thankfully, the doctor put our worries to rest. You are more likely to have multiples by doing IUI (insemination) vs IVF. With IVF they can control the number of embryos implanted. Although I continue to have this strange feeling that we'll be having twins. I've dreamt about it and I just feel it. I don't feel like I am going to go through this cycle again. Only time will tell.

Prelude

My husband and I have always known we wanted to have children. (Although we didn't realize it would be this difficult.) I come from a large family that procreates like rabbits, so after over a year of trying, we knew something was wrong. Tests concluded we were candidates for IVF. Knowing this was our only option, we took it.

My sister-in-law suggested writing a blog about our cycle. So here I am. I credit the name to her as well. "eat, scream cry", it's about all I want to do right now. I hope in some way, this may help other women going through the same thing I am. Happy reading!