Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Show Must Go On

After Friday's appointment, I jumped in my car and headed to NH to babysit my nephews for the weekend. Two toddler boys, one's almost three the other is 19 months, both absolutely adorable! I spent the day alone with them and hubby came up around 8pm. This was the first time my husband was watching kids for more than a couple hours. I was nervous to see how he would do, or if he would even want kids after this. But I must say, the weekend was a success. If anything, it assured me how ready he really is to be a Dad. Between the poop incident, the crying for Mommy, the up at 530am, and the overall exhaustion, he and I were both in heaven.

The oldest had a tough time Sunday when I had to leave. His parents weren't back yet, so another family member came over for a couple hours. There is nothing like a gripping child around your neck asking you not to leave to melt your heart. The youngest gave a hug and a kiss and waved his chubby little hand, content as can be.

As if it wasn't difficult enough to have to leave the little guys after three whole days, I was on my way to a baby shower. My husband has been friends with the expectant father since high school, and his wife and I have become very good friends over the years. We started trying to conceive a year prior to them. (They are one of the lucky couples that only took a couple tries.) I am so happy for them, but it is difficult to watch their pregnancy progress. I wasn't sure how I was going to do at the shower, but I some how managed to get through it.

There was a moment or two when I was asked how our cycle was going, and my eyes welled up. I was able to redirect my thoughts and not let a tear slip. Once the shower was over, I got in my car, threw on my sunglasses, drove out of the lot and began to cry. I got home, hubby was still out, but my in laws were there. I kept my glasses on and went into my room. Controlled myself, and emerged. My father in law was suiting up for a bike ride, so it was just my mother in law and I. Each conversation we had, my eyes would start to water. I finally gave in, and just began sobbing. It lasted about a good hour.

For those of you going through the same thing, you can understand the need for tears. As happy as you are to see your friends elated during their pregnancies, it is so heart wrenching to watch. The entire time I was at the shower, all I could think was its supposed to be my shower. I was supposed to be first. How can it be so easy for some, yet practically impossible for others? I'm at the point where I don't even care if we have to adopt, I just want to know if this will work so I can take the next step. I just want to be a mom! Thankfully, my mother in law is a rock and let me just cry and yell. I cried out almost all of my emotions. It's really the waiting and the unanswered questions that's the hardest.

I woke up Monday morning, to puffy, black eyes and a very sweet text from my expectant friend. Yesterday and today, I have still been very emotional. I started cramping yesterday and had some slight spotting. I woke this morning to a full blown period which should make for an interesting appointment tomorrow.

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