Thursday, June 30, 2011

"So how are you?"

Lately my time has been spent slaving at work to get our new website I designed up and running. A little hard to do when the head honcho isn't here to finalize and approve the information. But, the design looks great and hopefully the functionality works as promised. In my spare time, the minimal that I seem to have, I've been spending with some ladies from my past. I've always been the girl that had a lot of friends, but not a lot of close friends. I seemed to spread myself out and lose touch when life got the best of me. So recently I've taken it upon myself to try to mend those thin threads holding my distant friendships together. This week alone I've shared a dinner with my past college roommates and at another time with my founding sorority sisters. (Yes, I was in a sorority, actually I started one. Don't judge.)  Although I see one of my old roommates every couple of months, the other I haven't seen in about 2 years, nor have I seen my founding sisters in a good 3 years. 

I am always amazed catching up with people I haven't seen in long spans of time. Life always seems chaotic on my end, then listening to everyone else's, just makes me realize I'm not the center of the universe. Between moving back with parents, having babies (no, not me), taking a chance to move far away or finding the love of your life, everyone seems to be at the same point. Although relationship wise we would fill a broad scope, our lives seem to in the same realm. We've taken chances, we've found love, we've walked away from love, we've gotten hired, we've been let go. All of it makes my eyes open to the things I've accomplished and the things I wish to. Getting ready to move has really helped to occupy my brain for the last two weeks. However when asked how the packing is going, my current response is "I haven't really done any". Cause let's face it, I just don't care right now. Having packed up a whole house of shit, moving from one bedroom into a condo feels like a piece of cake. Which I'm sure I'll be more than overwhelmed come Saturday morning. 

So to top off our big move, I have an 8am appt with the RN for Creighton on Friday, an 11am with the surgeon followed by moving all my crap. What a way to start a 4 day weekend! And to add to the fun, I've been experiencing hives covering my entire legs, yup, just my legs, a mini stomach bug(?), and now complete and utter pain encompassing my intestines after I attempted to eat fish again. (Note to self: your body doesn't like fish so stop eating it fatty!) I am swollen to the point my pants are pinching my waist making me feel like a stuffed pig. And I have a husband complaining I'm always sick. Yes hubby, I choose to become ill for the fun it. I find it to be an excellent source of conversation: "So how are you?" Me-"Oh great, I've thrown up twice today, pooped about 8 times, I have large purple welts on my legs and I look about 3 months pregnant but am infertile. How are you?" 

And to top it all off, my due date is coming up and I've become super emotional again. Fabulous...

Something that always seems to make me laugh: If you haven't read this, please do so, you'll be crying like I was! Out of laughter...

Friday, June 17, 2011

Shall I Write?

I've recently been toying with the idea of writing a book. I am in no way a writer and sometimes wonder if anyone would be even interested in what I have to say. (I know, I write a blog, people read it. So maybe you can all prove me wrong.) Obviously the fertility part would be a large portion of the book, but there's a lot more happening in my life than failing to produce a biological child. And the story of how Hubby and I came to be seems to always be a conversation starter. But how personal am I willing to get? You probably just laughed at that last line, seeing as I continuously share how much cervical mucus I'm producing. But honestly, there are parts of my life I wish not to share. Parts that most people don't know about, things I don't want people knowing about. 

For anyone who knows me, I'm a bit of a control freak. As my sisters would probably say, I'm the youngest and used to getting my way. (Which in my defense, I got my way because I asked. And when you use the word "Daddy" instead of Father, he usually caves. Either that or he was so beaten down by the time I came around, he figured he'd already seen everything.) Whatever the reason, I'm a control freak. I like things my way. So when life started going in the completely wrong direction, I found a way to find some humor in it and learned to let the petty things slide by. And I think that's why I am so happy. In light of everything that has happened in my life, I still smile. I find a way to find joy in the little things because sometimes that's all you have. When life seems to be continuously knocking me down, I can't help but think that my stupid problems are nothing compared to some others. Where does jealousy and anger really get you but locked up in your room sobbing or screaming. Either way, you're probably alone. Well I choose happiness. I refuse to let life get the best of me.  You only get one after all, so why not enjoy it. 

So what's a girl to do...write down her life story or let life slide by and be forgotten? Pretty morbid thought if you ask me. But let's face it, we all want to be remembered in some way. We all want to matter. But I really want to write to at least shed some light on how to be happy in the shittiest of circumstances. If that makes one person smile, or get through a rough time, then it will have been worth it. That's how I want to be remembered.

How do you want to be remembered? (If anyone is even reading this......)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Attempting to Stay Composed

Tuesday afternoon I had my second meeting with the Creighton Model RN. Whom I love by the way! It took us a good hour and 20 mins to figure out two weeks of my charting. Yup, an hour and 20 mins. I wasn't joking when I said this was intense. Besides checking myself before peeing, after peeing, before a BM, after a BM, before I shower, after I shower, before bed, after bed.....I have to figure out what each mucus looks like, stretches, color, consistency, blah blah blah. It is amazing what only two weeks of charting can tell you. Of course mine is a huge mess seeing as we had to replace about 5 stickers for misreading what the mucus was.  Hence the long appointment.

Besides all of the charting, RN and I discussed what I refer to as PMS'ing. Since I was 16 years old, I remember having to be picked up from school on the first day of my period. Cramps taking over my entire body forcing me to take a hot bath to try to relax my muscles. There were days where I was on the verge of passing out or throwing up. From that early age, I have been told that "some girls just have it worse". Not true. There is a broad scope of menstruating side affects, however severe cases are usually an indication of something else going on. In my case, possible endometriosis and low progesterone. NaPro Docs have been researching for years and have the proof to back this up: extreme PMS is usually an indication of low progesterone which can be helped with a progesterone replacement supplement, perfectly healthy. At my next appointment with Dr. C, I will be bringing this up.

All in all, I guess you could say my mood is sporadic. I find myself getting angrier the last couple of weeks. Watching expectant mother's waddling around, ready to pop, planning for their little ones arrival, talking about their excitement. Truly I am thrilled for them, no part of me resents them. But I just feel sad for myself, "Pity Party For one please!" I have yet to have a day when I haven't thought about where I could be right now. Heading towards 8 months pregnant, picking out nursery furniture, going to our baby shower, all the things that come with a newborn. Yet, I have nothing except that little ducky outfit I bought over a year ago when the first false positive test bit me in the ass. Still empty, still not pregnant. My body of course finds it funny to play tricks on me too. More false positive tests, no period at 29 days, no cramping, not pregnant. Lovely. Another peak of excitement brought crashing down by the lack of yet another pregnancy. I'm dreading what July will unfold emotionally. I'm praying I can continue to hold it together. Although my due date will probably invoke everything I've been trying to control for 7 months.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Our Journey

I thought it may be helpful to start a time line of our fertility history. Seeing as I can't remember the dates of anything, I'm hoping writing them down will help me stay on track. Check out the new page, I'll be updating as things happen.

January 2009-Stopped taking the pill, thank God.

February 2010- Dye test to check that my tubes were open, which they were. Hubby's sperm tested, found out only 4% were normal. Referred to Urologist.

March 2010- Finally get in to see the Urologist. Prescribes Hubby antibiotic to hopefully clear up a low-grade virus that may be causing the malformations. Tells us he needs to have 2 more specimens completed to be sure his numbers remain the same. Hubby also goes in for ultrasound checking kidney's and scrotum.

May 2010- Urologist tells us Hubby has bilateral vericosele. (Enlarged veins in the scrotum that hold and trap blood which in turn holds and traps heat, causing the sperm to malform.) Urologist recommends surgery to have veins cut. 

June 2010- Decide it's time to get a second opinion from a fertility specialist. 

July 2010- First appointment with RSC. Assumes I am fine and first recommends IVF. Lab/blood work done to check us both for genetic abnormalities and hormone levels. Both fine.

August 2010- First step in IVF, start taking the pill. Which I warned the doctor that I can not be on the pill because they make me form cysts on my ovaries. Asks me to try it anyways. I form cysts, cycle is forgone.

Sept 2010- Start med to create multiple eggs. Ultrasound and bloodwork throughout the month. 

Oct 2010- Harvested 13 eggs through surgical procedure. Eggs injected with Hubby's sperm. 11 grew. 8 made blastocyst stage. Continued growing for 5 days. Embryo transfer of 1 embryo on Oct 31st. 2 embryos made it to be frozen.

Nov 2010- Positive home pregnancy test followed by positive blood test. Finally pregnant. At 6 weeks, 2 days HCG was not multiplying as should be. Told to have ultrasound to be sure pregnancy is not ectopic. Saw and heard heart beat.

Dec 2010- Watched until 7 weeks, then referred to OB and to stop taking progesterone. Switched OB's, had first consult on pregnancy. On the 23rd at 9 weeks, had light spotting. Called OB, brought in for ultrasound. Informed by OB that the baby only measured 6 weeks & 2 days. We miscarried. 

Jan 2011- Follow up with OB that my mental state was okay, per their protocol. 

Feb 2011- Meet with RSC and decide to have frozen embryo transfer. Began new meds.

March 2011- Only one embryo made unfreezing process properly. Had second embryo transfer. One week later had positive home pregnancy test. 

April 2011- Negative blood work result. Not pregnant. Devastated. Out of embryos. Decide to try a new course of action. Cousin informs me of NaPro Technology. Phone Dr. C's office, have 2 one hour phone conversations about history. Believe he can help. 

May 2011- Meet with Dr. C. Believes I have endometriosis. Referred to surgeon to have removed. Also thinks I may have issue with progesterone and or thyroid. Suggests taking B6, D3, magnesium and vitamin supplement to help thyroid. Hubby is referred to surgery, yet again. And he is to begin ProXeed, sperm enhancement vitamin. Meet with RN to learn Creighton Model, natural family planning method. Scheduled both consults with surgeons. Dr. C also thinks I should have never been taken off progesterone, may have contributed to miscarriage. Angry.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Are you there Wine? It's me, Celia......

Lately, it feels as if everywhere I turn, someone is pregnant. Someone from high school, college, family, a friend, even the girl that works at my usual lunch place! All these swelling stomachs feel like they are taunting me. Yet my mind keeps me at bay reminding that yes, I am only 28 and there is still time. However the other half of me keeps this nagging constant feeling that I should be pregnant. In fact, I should be 8 months pregnant now to be exact. A thought that I've been able to ignore over the last few months keeps creeping back into my mind. Reminding me that I should not be able to see my toes and counting down the days till we meet our little one. But alas, I can see my toes, my painted black nails, my tight ankles showing no sign of water retention. My clothes still fit and I'm still drinking wine. 

It's an under statement to say it hurts. Every day is a reminder of what could have been. Even though my husband is more supportive each day and always finds a way to make me smile, it's still there. A slight piece of me missing. This month, trying to remain positive, I began charting with the Creighton Model. It's intense and very descriptive and on occasion a little intrusive, even for me. The RN that is working with me in my charting stated at our appointment "We'll be seeing a lot of each other", referencing how off my cycle is. Monitoring the changes in my cervical mucus made me wonder this month if I was in fact pregnant. Being the loon that I am, I took a test 5 days post peak. And there it was, that stupid faint line that always shows up. So I call the on-call doctor, because it's a Sunday, to inform him that Dr. C had said to call if I see anything. Thinking I may be deficient in progesterone he sent me for bloodwork and started me on tablets. Monday morning Dr. C phones to say the good news is my progesterone levels are good, but my HCG was negative. No baby, again. And no clue as to what is causing that line to show up.

I am split, right down the middle. Half of me desperately wanting to have a family while the other half keeps reassuring me that there's no rush. It's like hearing voices in your head all day fighting over who's right. (Not to be alarmed, I'm not actually hearing voices.) But I must say, its torture. With our move coming up and wanting to head to Cali to visit a good friend and hopefully Napa, I know timing is still not perfect. But is it ever? And will this ever happen for us?