Thursday, June 9, 2011

Are you there Wine? It's me, Celia......

Lately, it feels as if everywhere I turn, someone is pregnant. Someone from high school, college, family, a friend, even the girl that works at my usual lunch place! All these swelling stomachs feel like they are taunting me. Yet my mind keeps me at bay reminding that yes, I am only 28 and there is still time. However the other half of me keeps this nagging constant feeling that I should be pregnant. In fact, I should be 8 months pregnant now to be exact. A thought that I've been able to ignore over the last few months keeps creeping back into my mind. Reminding me that I should not be able to see my toes and counting down the days till we meet our little one. But alas, I can see my toes, my painted black nails, my tight ankles showing no sign of water retention. My clothes still fit and I'm still drinking wine. 

It's an under statement to say it hurts. Every day is a reminder of what could have been. Even though my husband is more supportive each day and always finds a way to make me smile, it's still there. A slight piece of me missing. This month, trying to remain positive, I began charting with the Creighton Model. It's intense and very descriptive and on occasion a little intrusive, even for me. The RN that is working with me in my charting stated at our appointment "We'll be seeing a lot of each other", referencing how off my cycle is. Monitoring the changes in my cervical mucus made me wonder this month if I was in fact pregnant. Being the loon that I am, I took a test 5 days post peak. And there it was, that stupid faint line that always shows up. So I call the on-call doctor, because it's a Sunday, to inform him that Dr. C had said to call if I see anything. Thinking I may be deficient in progesterone he sent me for bloodwork and started me on tablets. Monday morning Dr. C phones to say the good news is my progesterone levels are good, but my HCG was negative. No baby, again. And no clue as to what is causing that line to show up.

I am split, right down the middle. Half of me desperately wanting to have a family while the other half keeps reassuring me that there's no rush. It's like hearing voices in your head all day fighting over who's right. (Not to be alarmed, I'm not actually hearing voices.) But I must say, its torture. With our move coming up and wanting to head to Cali to visit a good friend and hopefully Napa, I know timing is still not perfect. But is it ever? And will this ever happen for us?

1 comment:

  1. I know the Creighton method charting can be intense, intrusive and even frustrating at times. Keep your chin up. This will help you to see if your long term desire for your own flesh and blood will be able to be a reality. May not be the most helpful thing for me to say, but at least you will know what is happening with your body and the possibilities for your family. Easy for me to say since I haven't been in your shoes, but I believe God first led me to this method to help you in your journey to motherhood. I continue to pray that this is the case and that you and Chris will soon be one of those happy couples with a growing baby belly to care for. I still think of you and your loss daily and I pray that July is not too tough on you. I can only imagine what it will be like. Lots of love and prayers being sent out your way!