Life isn't about surviving the storm; but how you dance in the rain.

The testing is over, for now. The answers, are none. The upper GI showed no signs of Crohn's (huge sigh of relief). But honestly, where do I go from here? And what is causing me to swell and inconstantly be in pain? Most days I say nothing, because who really wants to hear my complaints every day. But if I'm being straight up, I hurt every day. I can't remember a day where I felt great.

So is it food allergies?

Is it bum ovaries?

Is it IBS?

I've spent that last 2 weeks really focusing on what I ingest. And I must say, cutting gluten and dairy out has had a positive affect. The days I don't consume those two things, my stomach is flat, nothing hurts (for the most part). Knowing it takes quite awhile to get these things out of your system, I know it's going to take a lot more time. But how long?

This past weekend, I spent at the Cape celebrating the upcoming nuptials of two of the best people I know. Normally, when forced into a group of people I don't know, I nervously eat my way through the event.

Confession: I am an over eater/anxiety eater/social over eater.

(There, it's finally out.)

Hubs and I have been having recent discussions on food. Mostly because I finally came to terms with the fact that I self sooth, with food. Therefore, I've been making a conscious effort to be aware of when I'm eating because I'm hungry, or eating to comfort myself. And I must say, I'm quite proud of my strength this past weekend. Being thrown into a house of 17 lovely ladies, and only knowing the bride, usually would send me reeling. But....I focused on me. I said to myself "Celia, be yourself. If people like you, great. If they don't, it will affect you no differently." And it didn't. I kept reminding myself to eat only when I was hungry, and be open to chat and mingle.

The benefit of being myself: I met some truly wonderful gals that I thoroughly look forward to seeing at the wedding, and hopefully beyond. Because let's face it ladies, our female connections are how we deal with things.

A friend recently sent me this great article on how men and women differ in how they deal with life's issues. I've included it below because it was exactly what I've come to realize recently.

So to all you new friends out there, the following is for you. Whether we've spoken or you follow along to my daily rambles, I hope in someway that I've been either a support or delivered words of comfort.

In an evening class at Stanford, the last lecture was on the mind-body connection - the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that  one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman, whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.   
 Women connect with each other differently and  provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin - a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being.   
 Women share feelings whereas  men often form relationships around activities . They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings? Rarely.   
 Women do it all of the time.. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.   
 There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged—not true. In fact, he said that  failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as  dangerous to our physical health as smoking !   
 So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo… let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends.. Evidently it’s very good for our health.   
 Thanks to all the girls in my life who have helped me stay healthy, happy, and feeling very loved.   
 Life isn't about surviving the storm; but how you dance in the rain. 

From Not Trying to 13 Vials

Yesterday I attempted to cancel my 3 month follow up with Dr. C scheduled for today. Seeing as we are taking a needed break, hubby and I decided it would probably be best to forgo the appointment and reschedule for after vacation. Then I was told I'd have to pay $100 cancellation fee.

It was pretty silly to drive all the way to work for 8am, then have to leave at 8:45am, so I took the morning to pull myself together and conjure up a plan of what to say to this man. I arrived for my appointment at 9:30am and patiently sat in the waiting room until 9:45am until Barbara came to take me in. Barbara happens to be my Creighton Model teacher, but works part time for Dr. C. She's a bubble of energy every time I see her.

She takes my weight, blood pressure, and pulse. Then we open up my charting, and begin looking things over. Seeing as I've been charting once a week, things aren't 100% accurate. But they are good enough. (I haven't been charting everyday. I find I become obsessed with it which contributed to my break down.) She notices the same thing I do. This month has been my best cycle in over 4 months. However, my mucus cycle is longer than usual, which can indicate an ovarian cyst. So that was briefly discussed.

She soon leaves and Dr. C comes in about 10 mins later. And then it began.

I had everything worked out in my head. But his slow approach always seems to throw me off. He takes some time to look over my chart, then glances at his past notes. We then begin discussing that Chris and I are taking a slight break, mostly from the meds. We aren't "trying", but we aren't being careful. He agrees that that may be a good idea, for us mentally. He said he cringed when he saw that I was on his schedule for today, because we've been struggling and trying for so long. (He truly cares.)

As we talk, we somehow end up discussing the following. Don't ask me how, or in what order, but this is what he has come up with. (At least what I left with.)

1. He wants to retest my thyroid levels, seeing as I've been off the meds for awhile. If the levels are up, I'll be going back on Levothyroxine.

2. He wants to test my Progesterone and Estrogen levels, verify if I have a cyst or not.

3. He wants me to go back on Low Dose Naltrexone. He believes there is something definitely wrong with my body, and that it is not working properly. We're not sure what it is, but he's hoping the Naltrexone will help to bring my energy levels back up and my immune system working properly. We did discuss the lack of sleep issue when I was on it last. He suggested if that happens again, I should be open to taking something for sleeping. Not what I wanted to hear.

4. Blood work for several other antibodies, not sure the names. They will help to rule out if there may be an auto immune disease that we have missed. We discussed Chrohn's Disease as well, but he's pretty sure it's not that. He did do an external pressure exam on my abdomen, and I had a lot of tenderness, especially near where my large intestine meets my small intestine. (Inflammation in the small intestine is Chrohn's Disease apparently.) He said "Go on vacation and relax. We'll discuss that next time." So for the moment, I'm attempting to rid it my from memory.

5. HCG shots were also discussed. Seeing as I have inflammation continuously in my body, he thinks the HCG shots may be a better alternative to Progesterone and Piroxicam. HCG shots are taken post peak, days +3, +5, +7, and +9. The shots help your growing baby during crucial implantation time, and helps your body with inflammation as well. Therefore replacing Progesterone and Piroxicam. However, some insurances don't cover them, so we'll be looking into that as well when we return from vacation.

6. Continue taking Pycnogenol every day. It seems to be making a huge difference with the inflammation. And until we can determine what's causing it, it will help with the pain.

7. Gluten, Soy, Milk. Without bringing up diet, Dr. C starts discussing tests conducted in Europe. They apparently have a broad scale blood test they do on foods and allergies. Here in the US, we for some reason don't believe in it. But the 3 major issues that arise in most people's testing, were sensitivities or allergies to glutens, soy and milk proteins. (Funny, since that's what I've been trying to rid my diet of.) We then discussed vegan diet and going gluten free again. Apparently I am to truly start eating gluten and dairy free, and eat minimal soy. He believes I'm probably allergic to at least 2 of the 3. And for some reason, hearing a doctor say I'm allergic to these things, affects my self control to eat them. So tomorrow starts Day 1 (again) of gluten & dairy free. (Which should be a challenge on vacation, hopefully not though.)

8. Take Piroxicam this cycle. He said even though you aren't "trying", this is a good cycle, and you just never know. It won't hurt to take it. (Hopefully they won't find it hidden in my luggage this weekend.)

9. Enjoy Vacation! Per Barbara & Dr. C.

Our follow up is scheduled for June 5th. We have a month to chat and discuss what we want to do next. I will hopefully get a call from Dr. C this week with the test results. 13 vials!!! That so far is my number to beat. I didn't even feel faint. I probably will though when I receive the bill.

Easter Recap

For those of us struggling to conceive, the thought of surviving another holiday can spark a major panic attack. And if Easter came about a month ago, I would have been right there with you. Thankfully it was on Sunday, and I'm in a better place than March. Or was it because of the yummy sushi tray we split with friends Friday night.......

Can't enjoy sushi if you're preggers. Ha ha to my pregnant friends. 

(We have to have some benefits, right?)

Saturday went by way too fast, and I woke up Sunday morning exhausted. But family brunch awaited, so we packed up and headed to NH. I come from a family (you'd think we were Italian), that love to feed people. We expect you to eat, and we put out waaaaaay too much food. (We all do it, it's a family thing.) My mother is an amazing cook, it's one of the reasons I deeply regret going vegan (or find myself cheating, only dairy I swear)! But being the only vegetarian/vegan couple, we struggle at family gatherings. I am one lucky gal though, my supportive family always have something specific they know we can eat. 

So what did we enjoy? I had brought a Vegan Broccoli Quiche, and Mom had a huge selection of fresh fruit. So I piled up my plate and devoured every last bite with a big glass of cran/raspberry/pineapple/orange juice. Yum!

And all the kiddos were there....

Complete with party dress and headband.

The older boys enjoyed their egg hunt, 

which was apparently more difficult this year 

seeing as they can all count.

Even Teddy was included.

How can you deny that face?!

And what's a family holiday party without a little nudity?

Who me?

I know what you're thinking, how can you take a break after looking at those little munchkins? Trust me, it's a struggle. I'm actually starting to believe that the Letrozole was making me angry. It blocks estrogen production, so I guess that makes sense. I also felt as though it was making me depressed. This week having not taken it, I feel like myself again. I'm slowly getting back my drive to work out. Last week I even over did it by taking a bootcamp class that left me limping for 5 days. Yet I am going back tonight. (Narcissist?) Slowly, each day, I'm starting to feel better. Hopefully this weekend away with my lady friends will contribute to the mending as well. 2.5 more days......

Taking a break......I think it's time.

Everyone has a point during their struggle when they throw their hands and the air and say "fuck this". That is where I'm at. Not sure how or why that has now happened, but mentally I am so over this. Hubby and I got home from work Wed night and crashed in bed for a few moments of rest. As we were laying there, I had an epiphany....I'm truly done. I need a break from all of this. I am stressed all the time, between work, trying to be healthy, and doing everything I can to help my body take a pregnancy. I'm not focusing on myself anymore.

Now most people would argue that I should be focusing on everything I can do to get pregnant, if I really want to conceive. But I can't. I can't get this weight off, I'm so focused on relaxing that I've removed myself from physical activity. I don't "feel" healthy anymore. I may be doing really well getting back to being vegan, but I'm still not eating "pristinely", which is when I feel my best. My life is revolving around getting pregnant, and I am physically exhausted from it.

With that said, we are officially on a break (from procreating). I didn't take the Letrozle this month, and I don't plan on taking anything else. I'm giving my body time to heal, relax and get back to being healthy. (I am going to continue taking the Pycnogenol though. I definitely feel a huge difference in my cycle, most of the pain seems to be dissipating.) There's so many things that I have brushed aside that I'm sick of waiting to do. Like hot yoga. Like CrossFit. No more charting either (and staring at the messed up cycle that is me). I'm going to get myself in better shape and enjoy our vacation in May. (Punta Cana countdown: 43 days) I'm going to stop worrying about getting pregnant, and trust that it will happen when it's supposed to. I can't force it, nor control the situation. The more I try to, the more stressed I get, the worse I feel. Healthy Celia = Happy Celia.

As of my previous post and my list of things to do, this is where I currently stand:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.


I think that's a pretty good start for the week. Here's to wine, relaxation and being all around healthy.....

Backing Off.......

It's been 8 days since I've written, and about all I can say is.......blah. I feel awful lately. Which my husband so kindly pointed out. Besides trying to begin eating vegan again, and many failed attempts, I think I'm at my depressed point again. It's continuously up and down. I finally start feeling good about me and where life has gone, and then I find out someone's pregnant. Or I see parents not caring for their kids. Or I remember that I want to be a mom. Whatever it is, it's taxing. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I'm lazy. I'm eating shit. (Not real shit, just crap. You know what I mean.) And I'm not working out as I promised myself I would.

So what's a girl to do? Honestly, I don't know anymore. Family and friends keep pressuring us to look into adoption. Or they ask us for answers that we don't have. Like "What's your plan?". As if we've been doing nothing and need to now decide. Well guess what, I have no fucking idea! So stop asking.

We're living. That's our plan. To make it through another day. To survive the news of one more friend conceiving.  To get through one day without being reminded of the hell we live in. I'm 28 years old, not 45. Yes my biological clock is ticking, but at least the gears haven't stopped.

What would I like to do? I'd like to be left alone. I'd like to not have the subject come up. I'd like for one night to forget that I can't conceive and not have anyone know, or ask, or give me the "I feel sorry for you" look. It's getting old people. I'm infertile, not blind.

And that is the end of my rant.......for today.

_________________________________________________________________

One a brighter side, for anyone interested, I found a new tea at a natural food store that supposedly supports the health of the female cycle. Traditional Medicinals Raspberry Leaf Tea. I've been downing it like crazy. (A girl can dream.)

I've also begun a small group therapy (I guess you could call it) for local ladies struggling to conceive. And I must say, I could not be happier that it's finally happened. There's nothing like standing in a room filled with people who understand and don't judge anything that comes out of your mouth. The first gathering was quite intimate seeing as the power went out 20 mins before they were to arrive. I was freakishly vacuuming the living room as everything goes out, leaving me to believe I blew a fuse. Not the case, everything was out for about a 3 town spread. I luckily stock up on candles for such occasions and we spent the next 5 hours chatting about anything and everything. To you ladies, thank you! You have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I could not be happier that life has brought us together.

_________________________________________________________________

A New Plan:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.

That's a good starting point. I'm a planner, can you tell?

Rules for the Two Week Wait

For those of you living in infertility hell along with me, you know how crazy the "two week wait" can be. Mine of course has fallen directly on St. Patrick's Day. The one day per year it's mandatory you drink. (Well, not really, but you know what I mean...) With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject of what to eat, drink, do and say during that awkward two weeks.

Eat-

Coming from a Vegan (or shall I say a vegetarian attempting to be vegan again), my thoughts are obviously geared towards all things natural. As of right now, breakfast is a smoothie with a cup of oatmeal. Snack is graham crackers. Lunch is a full salad and Amy's burrito and some of the Snikkidy chips. Snack is fruit (apple, grapes, pear). Dinner is a loaded vegetable dish with tofu or beans and a whole grain. Although it isn't perfect, right now it's working for me. My appetite tends to increase dramatically prior to menstruation. My husband finds it odd, but it's just the way I am. I have about 2 weeks of being very hungry all the time, and 2 weeks of a low appetite. During the "two week wait", fill your body with nutrient dense foods. These two weeks are the building blocks for that little embryo, be sure to give them everything they need and not what you want.

 

Drink-

This is always the tough one. Doctors now say that drinking one glass of wine slowly won't harm your little growing bambino. I'm not sure I fully agree with them. But you may find yourself at a social event that you don't want the funny eye lurking over at you, wondering if you're pregnant and that's why you aren't drinking. My advice is, grab a small glass of wine and milk it throughout the night. That way you won't be harassed and it will help to calm your nerves. I steer clear of liquor and I've lost my taste for beer, so wine it is!

Fitness-

This is one I continuously struggle with. I've heard everything from "don't shake the foundation" to work out hard. There's also rumors that you shouldn't let your heart rate pass 150 during a work out. My rule of thumb: don't allow yourself to get breathless. If you're on a treadmill, keep track of your heart rate. If you're outside, make sure you could carry a conversation or sing to your music. Lifting is one of those things that I'm still afraid to do during that time. If I do any weights, I focus on that specific muscle and keep the weight low. Low weights, higher reps is a good rule of thumb during this time as well. That way you are not straining your body, but still getting the benefit of working out. 

Say-

Seeing as I have issues with my stomach and anything dairy, for the most part I simply use the excuse that my stomach is really bothering me. It keeps me from having to explain to those that don't know me (or read my blog) that I am in limbo and praying there's something growing inside of me. Or I just say, I'm vegan. People usually stop talking at that point, in fear you may instill your values on them. 

In the end: Do and say what feels right to you. I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to be. I live by experience. If something doesn't work for you, try something else. Just remember that these two weeks are crucial in building a proper foundation for your child. Take care of yourself mentally and physically and pray for a miracle. 

The "M" Word

I am happy to report I am not pregnant. Nor have I miscarried. This post could have been a lot different. Thankfully, it's not. Sunday, with no sign of my period insight, and 15 days post peak, I decided to test. Light blue line. Awesome. I get that pretty much every time I test. Fast forward to Monday morning. Wake up bleeding. Good thing I didn't get excited.

You may want to stop reading if you have a weak stomach. If not, you've been warned...

While at work on Monday, I excused myself to the restroom to find 2, not just 1, but 2 pieces of tissue on my pad. I have only ever had this happen one other time. I didn't freak out, surprisingly. I stayed calm, and called Dr. C. He was alarmed and ask me to save it, and come in that night for blood work and pathology on the tissue. So I left work early, yet again, and headed to his office. Picked up the paper work and headed straight to the lab.

Yesterday on my drive home, I got a call from his nurse. She had the tone of voice where you could just tell she felt bad about what she had to say, the sympathy tone. She said my hcg was .7 but they didn't have the results from the tissue. They would know in a few days and call me. From what she explained, it sounded like she was telling me that I was miscarrying. Usually anything over .5 is considered a positive. So I braced myself for bad news.

Today, on my way back from lunch with Hubby, I realized I had a voicemail. It was Dr. C. Got to love this man, he leaves long, detailed messages, so that there's no confusion in what he's telling you. I did not miscarry. There was no indication of conception in the tissue and the blood work apparently didn't show any trace of pregnancy. Thank the Lord!

Normally I have been having 4-5 days of brown spotting. When that never came and the bright red did, I got nervous. I haven't had a "normal" period in.......I don't know how long. So all this was, was a healthy happy period.

Things can always be worse. I'm just happy to say that it wasn't another "m" word.

Smoothies & Vertigo....yes you read that correctly.

I've always thought vertigo was something that people who liked to complain, got. "Oh my vertigo....every thing's spinning....whine, whine, whine...." It was something relative to being a little dizzy. No big deal.

I am completely wrong, and I'll be the first to admit it. When the room starts spinning and you haven't had an ounce to drink, you'd be convinced too. Vertigo is not fun. One minute you are perfectly fine, seeing clearly, and the next the earth is moving all around you and you feel like you're on rough seas. To top it all off, mine is heightened with anxiety. I went to a friend's open house this weekend, walked in the door and BAM...vertigo. Thankfully it isn't too bad, but along with everything moving, my adrenaline started racing. Heart speeds up, and things start looking a little hazy. Awesome. Therefore no need to drink, I already felt drunk. And that's really the best way to describe it. It's like when you're on the verge of blacking out for an overly indulgent night of martinis, and you're laying in bed with one foot on the ground.

Thankfully I'm told this will pass....in about 3-6 weeks. Great. So what do I do in the meantime? Not drink. Check, haven't in months. Not drive terribly far. (Heard a horror story from a good friend who's launched while driving and blacked out.) Trying to stay away from big groups or parties where my anxiety kicks in.

So if I become a hermit, you know why.

Moving on.....

So I have been promising my shake recipe, which I outlined last post. But I thought I'd include some photos and actual measurements for my "cooking/making anything inclined" readers. Here goes...


Berry Smoothie
1 frozen banana
1 large leaf of kale
1 cup frozen berries
4 chunks mango (optional)
1/2 cup POM juice
1/2 cup Green Goodness by Bolthouse Farms
1.5 cups coconut milk
2 T hemp protein (not shown, optional)




Place in blender in the order of ingredients listed, frozen items at the bottom along with the kale leaf so that they blend well. Pulse on Ice Crush mode about 10 times. Then set on liquefy.



Finished product is on the right. Should be dark violet in color. If the frozen items make the shake too thick, add another 1/2 cup of coconut milk. Makes 2 adult servings.

I'll continue to upload recipes for anyone interested.

Pycnogenol & Piroxicam

The last few weeks have been pretty boring. However, this week, I've learned a hell of a lot more knowledge. We had our usual 3 month follow up with Dr C to go over charting and new suggestions. I was not expecting what he had to say. No, I'm not pregnant. Don't get excited. But you should get excited about what I'm going to tell you.

I walked into the appointment with the fear that my body was reverting to a year ago. My charting had been all over the place the last 2-3 cycles. With the understanding that we had a very early miscarriage in December, I've been revolting against charting. I was still keeping track because I know it's important, but I refused to look at it every day or write down each evening. And after seeing that my cycles had been pretty messed up, I had this awful feeling I would be getting bad news. However, on Tuesday, yes Valentine's Day, Dr. C  gave us a glimmer of hope.

He has been following the life's work of an Australian Ob. Don't ask me his name because I can't remember. He had spent his life studying post miscarriage cycles. He had determined that it took the female body 3 months to completely heal. The first cycle never releases an egg. The follicle never ruptures. The second cycle a premature follicle releases. And the third cycle, well I honestly can't remember. We'll get back to that, if I can remember. So how does this affect me? The blood work from December only slightly indicated a miscarriage. But my charting the last 2 months, has been precisely what the Australian Ob's work indicated. We now have confirmation that we definitely miscarried.

I guess that doesn't sound like good news. But it is to me. I finally have proof that these thoughts and feelings aren't fake, but real.  I'm no longer convinced I'm crazy.

Moving on.

So what the hell is Pycnogenol & Piroxicam? Two new things I am taking.
Pycnogenol -an antioxidant plant extract from the bark of the French maritime pine tree, significantly reduces symptoms of endometriosis by 33 percent (bet you didn't know that.)

Piroxicam is an anti-inflammatory that helps boost implantation. Don't believe me, read this.

So what did we find this week? A new found hope.

From Panic Attacks to Semen Analysis

I officially had my first panic attack last week. I still don't understand why or how I had it. To be honest, I know what they are, but never really understood the capacity of them. I'm not terribly comfortable sharing why it happened. But what I will say, is seeing someone else with their child triggered it. I did my best to remain calm and talk myself through it. I was at work, and did not want to shed any tears in front of anyone. It was the end of the day, thank goodness. I held myself together, focused on my breathing, and walked out the door with my husband 5 mins later. As we walked out, I whispered to him "I think I'm having a panic attack. I'll explain once we're in the car."

I shut my door and immediately started hyperventilating. I could barely speak and was sobbing uncontrollably. My breathing was short as I continued to gasp for air. It was quick, only lasted about 5-10 mins. But it happened. I've focused all of my time and energy recently on other things. I've pushed the thought of babies and getting pregnant to the deepest corner of my mind. Work has taken over my life along with several other things. Needless to say, I've been preoccupied. I haven't allowed myself to even think about getting pregnant. I falsely believed I was fine. I was content in the fact that I have a good, busy job and a lot going on.

Pain creeps up on you though, whether you face it or not. Sooner or later it's going to surface and knock you to the ground. I allowed myself those 15 mins to grieve. To embrace the sorrow and face the pain. Then I picked myself up, put a smile on my face, and thanked God for my husband. I am not an arrogant person, nor do I expect anyone to praise me for my ability to keep going. It's sometimes a curse if you ask me. I try to stay positive and focus on all the amazing things in my life. Mostly because I can't handle looking at the bad.

I walked into 2012 with my eyes shielded, waiting for the rug to come out from underneath me. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Today, was a step in the right direction. Today was our follow up with my husband's urologist. 2 years ago when we first met him, hubby was taking inhalers for his asthma and eating a "normal" diet. His semen analysis came back at only 7% normal, at best. Numerous tests and ultrasounds, he was told our best shot to conceive is IVF.

Not today. Today, having had another semen analysis to determine if surgery was necessary, we were told his numbers are just slightly below perfect. All of his numbers have increased, motility, mobility, count, etc. Everything is up! (no pun intended)

How?

Why?

Are you serious?

Yup, all numbers are up. His words: "I see no reason why you can't conceive naturally." So what changed? Well, having changed our diet to vegan, my husband's asthma simply disappeared. He no longer needed his inhalers. When we mentioned these two things to the urologist, he smiled at us and said, vegan or vegetarian diet makes a difference, no animal hormones. Along with the lack of asthma and needing inhalers, no more steroids.

So needless to say, no surgery for hubby. Now, if only my ovaries would start cooperating....

Now what?

It's officially taken me 5 days to digest everything we discussed with Dr. C on Friday. (As I've stated recently, I always trust my gut. Thankfully Dr. C agrees with that statement.) After we received the blood results from Saturday, the day I started bleeding, we were afraid that I may have imagined the whole pregnancy thing. However, the blood work we had done in his office on Monday was >.5 and Saturday's was .5. That low amount usually indicates no pregnancy. But seeing as we had a positive home test on Thursday, he agreed I had a very early miscarriage, also referred to as a chemical pregnancy.

So, has knowing this changed anything? No. When he asked me what I thought happened before we had the blood results, there was no doubt in my mind that I was pregnant. I had two days of nausea, saw implantation bleeding, and you couldn't even look at my breasts without causing me shooting pain. But after three days, they were all gone. I still believe we got pregnant, then days later, for whatever reason, the embryo stopped growing. Dr. C is in agreement. We are unsure if I released a premature egg, or if one of the warped sperm found their way to the egg.

Now what? As recommended, we are taking the month off. I am spending this time to focus on me. As a wise woman informed me, I've lost a bit of myself the last few months. I am attempting to regain those pieces and remember who I am. Starting with working out. I'm probably going to regret saying this, but I've started training for a half marathon, (shhhhhh don't tell). I tend to go over board with things, it's usually all or nothing with me. So Saturday I started running again. I am hoping at the very least, come Spring, I'll be ready for a 5k, and then we'll take it from there.

As for hubby, the poor guy had his junk ultrasound today. He met with the urologist who insisted on a consult, seeing as it's been 1.5 years since we've seen him. He now has to redo a specimen and has a follow up on January 4th. At that time, the urologist will determine whether or not surgery is necessary to remove bilateral varicosele. By the time he gets in for surgery, most likely it will be February. I am still hoping and praying that in the meantime we will get our miracle. As for now, you may see me disappear for awhile, or become overwhelmed with food, fitness and sanity tips. My apologies in advance.

I will say one thing in closing: for the past 3 years we have been trying to have a child. This is the first real month where we will be avoiding getting pregnant. Knowing, seeing and charting my cycle won't allow for any slip ups (mostly because my Creighton Nurse said firmly yesterday to avoid this month, it's definitely not by choice.) I almost don't know what to do with myself. Oh yes, new obsession: train for 1/2 marathon.

How to Survive the Holidays-Infertility Style

Let's be honest, it's hard enough miscarrying on any given day. The holidays make everything worse. Besides getting through the EDA, getting through the holidays are by far the next runner up. Here's my words of advice for all of you living through the same pain.

1. Eat.   I'm not saying eat the entire Christmas dinner yourself. (Although if you're anything like me, you've thought about it.) Allow yourself to enjoy some Christmas desserts. After all, like my grandmother always says "Think about the people who passed up the chocolate cake on the Titanic." If you start to feel guilty, counter balance the sweets with some extra time at the gym. It will burn off the calories and help to clear your head. Trying mixing in a lot of vegetables, fruits and whole grains as well. Offer to bring a dish to the family party, something nutrient dense. It will help to keep your energy level up and mood happy.

2. Drink. Allowing yourself a drink (or two) at those awkward family gatherings, they will help to calm your nerves. However, don't over indulge. You don't want to be the blubbering idiot in the corner everyone feels bad for and avoids. You want to attempt to be the happy socialite surviving the pain, even if you're just pretending. When you need a moment, take it. Emotions come in waves and you just have to ride them out.

3. Avoid. That's right, avoid those who always seem to say the wrong thing. You have enough to worry about and bad memories filling your every thought, you do not need another one. Simply smile and say hello and then walk the other way. No need to be rude, but no need to cause yourself any more pain.

4. Be Merry. Yes I know, this will be the hardest one. How do you be happy when you have no baby bump, no "Babies 1st Christmas" ornament, no child sitting at the kids table? Remember you always have your spouse. If you can make it through infertility together, you can truly make it through anything. Through all the torture, my husband and I have managed to let this pull us even closer together. Don't let your sadness put a void between you two. Remember that infertility is no one's fault. It's discouraging, it can bring you to your darkest place. But when you're there, tell your spouse. Be open and honest with one another and find a way to be happy. (Happiness is a choice after all.)

5. Remember you are not alone. I am there with you in spirit. Quietly avoiding conversations about kids. Smiling when someone feels the need to remind you that you're still young. Biting your tongue when you hear "You should look into adopting" for the 1,000th time. I'm sitting beside you, holding your hand, reminding you that this is a battle we share.

6. Therapy. And if none of those seem to help, there's always Retail Therapy. Buy yourself a new outfit for the holidays, something flattering and makes you confident. Strut your baby-free figure and smile that you don't have any stretch marks hiding under that shirt. Hell, buy yourself a gorgeous Christmas bra and matching underwear set. Enjoy staying up all night together and sleeping-in in the morning. (Your husband will thank me.)

Just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you can't handle the company Christmas party, don't go. If the thought of sitting through the family dinner curdles your stomach, plan a last minute getaway and say Adios to the holidays. Your family and friends will understand. Taking care of yourself comes first, and I think a lot of the time we forget that. This holiday season, put yourself and your happiness first. I know I plan to.

I know.

Sometimes you just know. I know I was pregnant. I knew early. Every sign was there along with that first line that appeared on Thursday, confirming what my gut was saying all along.

I know now, that I am no longer pregnant.

And now the waiting begins. Waiting for the awful cramps and endless bleeding that comes along with miscarriage. Waiting for my body to regain it's normal cycle. Waiting until we can try again.

But there's hope.
Hope that after 2 years and 11 months of trying, we finally can conceive on our own.
Hope that 2012 will bring us what we've wanted for so long.
Hope that my body can carry a pregnancy to full term.
Hope that one day, we will be parents.
Hope that no matter what, we remain positive.

Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. I truly felt as though I could feel them, and still do. There's an aura around me of love today, and for that, I am ever grateful.

Today I pray for another soul lost too early. 

I pray that they felt our love the moment they were conceived. 

I pray that I can remain strong. 

I pray for all of you walking similar paths. 

Know you are not alone. 

What is my gut saying?

So you have all been very patient. More patient than me. First, my apologies for keeping you in the dark. I have my reasons, and I hope you can all understand once I explain. It's a long story, so here goes.....
Thursday, 17 days post peak, still no period. So I peed on a stick, or two, or three...light line. I've had that so many times I tried not to get too excited. Dr. C told me to call his off on day 17 post peak if I didn't have my period whether I saw a line or not. I called at 8am. By the afternoon, I still hadn't heard, so I called back around 3:30. Told the message is on his desk. No phone call that night. That night, after I peed on a stick, I showed my husband the test. His first response: "Holy shit! You aren't crazy!" Mostly because I'd been saying all week that I thought I was pregnant, and he worries that I read too much into things.

Friday, 18 days post peak, still no period. Peed on a few more sticks. Light line. Keep in mind, my first pregnancy I never saw a dark line. My Hcg Levels were slow to climb to the point I didn't really see a line until day 19 or 20. I called Dr. C's office at 8am again, he's off today. Awesome. Thankfully his nurse practitioner was in and I was told she'd phone back. No call, so at 2pm letting anxiety take over, I phoned again. Told once again, the message is on her desk now, and she will phone around 4pm. 5 mins later, the receptionist phoned back and ordered lab work. I got out of work too late, so figured I'd go Saturday morning.

Saturday, 19 days post peak, still no period. (You may want to stop reading if you can't handle details.) So hubby and I had waited to have sex for a while after ovulation, I was afraid to disturb the area knowing it was already irritated. After, I started bleeding. Then came the cramps and some back pain. Afraid of another miscarriage, I phoned Dr. C's answering service. 2 mins later, Dr. C phoned me back. I explained what had happened. His first concern was that maybe my cervix was irritated and to relax, have bloodwork done, and be positive. There was also the fear of miscarriage discussed. I took a couple more tests that day, still a light line. The cramps continued for about an hour along with the back pain. After that they faded out for the most part. The bleeding wasn't heavy, didn't feel like clots. I tried to stay positive, knowing I would have answers on Monday.

Sunday, 20 days post peak, still spotting. Although it was light, it was still there. Still no clots, which made me feel a bit better. It's now become a mix of bright red blood, brown, and clear cervical mucus. Not heavy, but not super light either. In my mind, at this point, I was feeling like it was a miscarriage. My gut had been telling me for the past week that I was pregnant. I had a few days of nausea, super tender breasts, and some constant daily headaches. They started to fade mid last week, except for the headaches. At this point I'm very confused and starting to believe, and brace myself for another miscarriage.

Monday, 21 days post peak, still spotting, but much lighter. I phoned Dr. C's office as directed. I was able to get an early morning appointment and headed in alone. (Hubby had some meetings today.) I get to his office and in about 20 mins brought into a patient room. I then have to explain to the nurse that I'm there because I don't know if I'm miscarrying or not. Dr. C came in shortly after. Explained everything to him. He did a quick external exam, just pressing on my abdomen and lower abdomen. No pain, he seemed pleased. He continued to explain that the bleeding could be caused by the disturbance on Saturday. If I'm pregnant, my uterus will be flooded with blood and very sensitive. The blood, seeing as it's bright red and brown, that it could be a lower leak from my cervix, and some of the blood may have been trapped, but now being released.

So here I am, thinking he's going to tell me I'm miscarrying, and here he is, being super positive and scheduling a follow up appointment, Hcg level bloodwork again, and an ultrasound. I'm sorry, what? So you don't think I'm miscarrying? He was really positive and hopeful that this pregnancy may still be happening. He excused himself at that point to get my blood results from Saturday. As luck would have it, the lab messed up and only took my progesterone level, not my Hcg. At this point, I'm laughing. Seriously, how many other things can go wrong right now?! The lab however, still has my blood and thinks they can pull the Hcg, but we won't get results for at least another day. So then Dr. C's office does an Hcg test today as well, to be able to compare the two levels. I have taken another home test, where the line appears and then fades once it dries. My emotions are truly split down the middle, half of me believes I am still pregnant while the other half is telling me it's a miscarriage.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I should have answers. Tomorrow we should know what is actually happening in my body right now. I'm scared, I've cried numerous times and hid inside all weekend. This is the difficult part of blogging, the part that frightens me the most. I'm tearing up as I type because I don't know what's happening. I don't know if I am pregnant, I don't know if I am miscarrying. All I know is that we need alot of prayers right now. We need positive thoughts and energy. I ask that you all continue to be thinking of us and praying for us. I know that your support has helped us get to where we are today. And no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, we are happy with knowing we were able to conceive on our own, something we did not think was possible.

Inner Struggle

Still no period.
Don't think about it.
Am I pregnant?
No, you're getting your period.
I would have had it by now.
Maybe my bodies finally regulated, and this is my new schedule.
Or maybe you're pregnant.
I wouldn't have all this mucus if I was pregnant.
Would you?
I don't know.

Another barely there line. Awesome.
There's no line, you're seeing things.
Maybe it will be darker tomorrow.
Or maybe you're just getting your period.
Then why am I not cramping?
Because you're pregnant.
Shut up.

Why isn't this mucus becoming spotting?
Because you're pregnant.
There's no way I'm pregnant, this is nothing like last time.
Every pregnancy is different.
So is every period.
Why won't the line just show up?
Why won't my period just show up?
What the hell is happening?
You're pregnant.
You're getting your period.

Will the both of you please shut the fuck up?!

Head vs. Heart

I had a great outlook on the holiday. I love Thanksgiving, I love seeing family, I love to eat and I love to cook, so all seemed well. Wednesday evening I took some very needed "me" time and ditched my husband after work for the gym, and Marshall (the store, not another man). Spent a fabulous 2 hours shopping and left with only a couple items. (Not like me at all.) Headed right to Hannafords before they closed and picked up my last minute ingredients. Made it home around 9pm and started cooking. 2 hours and 2 Felicity episodes later, I finally fell onto the sofa with a glass of water. (Not wine, which I really wanted. Because that's what you do when you're trying to conceive. You fight the urge to cook with wine.) Hubby soon returned home and we crawled into bed.

Thursday morning we lounged around until it was time to head out. On the way to drop off my egg less quiche and dessert at the in-laws, I read my husband the best post by another blogger. Got half way through before the tears began streaming down. (Reading someone else's thoughts on infertility and the holidays makes me do that.) Click here to read cry. Although my mind was not flooded with thoughts of babies and why I wasn't toting around a 4 month old, I still felt empty. And that's really the best way to describe it. That small part always missing and making you feel less than whole.

We arrived at my parents and enjoyed an amazing meal my mother always puts together. Complete with my nephews all removing their shirts to eat, then destroying the living room when left alone for 5 mins.

But still, there was this emotional nagging on my heart. My Mom, was standing in the kitchen with me, when my Dad walked by and mentioned it had been 8 months since the passing of my grandmother, his mother. My Mom gave me "that" hug, you know the one where you let every guard down and let her wrap her love around you. And that's when it happened. I began sobbing. Because how long can I really keep it together. My sisters quickly came to my side, not needing to say anything, because we all just knew. And there, in the kitchen, we cried. For what was missing, for what had been lost, for the sadness that comes along with a year gone by.

The rest of the day was held together by lots of desserts. At some point I started to feel nauseous, and really tired. So I excused myself and went upstairs to curl up on my in laws sofa. Took a mini nap and later headed home. Friday and more nausea, followed by super tender breasts, and another nap. My head was telling me "You're pregnant!" while my heart kept shouting "Shut the fuck up!". It's difficult at this point to not read into every bodily function or abnormality I experience. Like always, I took a home test. Negative. But it's early, I told myself, be patient.

And the next day was followed by another test. Saturday I had my 10 year high school reunion, so obviously I needed to know if I could drink. Extremely faint line. (Don't get excited. I get those all the time.) I tried to keep my emotions at bay, but my head just kept screaming at me. I even had a dream that I was pregnant with a baby girl, even saw myself at about 5 months pregnant with her. Reunion went well, great to see so many old faces. All in all, a wonderful evening. Milked one glass of wine over 3 hours, and managed to spill a decent amount while giving hugs.

Sunday I woke up not feeling pregnant. No nausea. No cramps. Most tenderness gone. No line. I did however wake to a very little amount of bright red blood mixed with mucus, and one little spot of dry blood. Odd, some what resembles the last time I was pregnant, the implantation process. The mucus continued throughout the day along side some brown blood. (Brown blood is usually old blood, while the bright red is considered new blood.) So that the hell is happening? I have no idea. All I know is that the mucus and brown have continued into Monday and today, along with another negative test and another super faint line. My guess: good ole Aunt Flo is on her way. But a small part of me is still hoping, while my heart continues to yell "Shut the fuck up!"

And of course, as luck would have it, my husband's urologist is on vacation all week. Waiting until next Monday to discuss scheduling his surgery. Still hoping this is our month, but knowing deep down, it probably isn't.

A good way to break your heart

In my darkest of moments, losing faith that we'll be able to conceive naturally, I've been researching adoption. A LOT. I've always had in the back of my mind the thought that one day I would adopt a child. I guess it started during my high school internship. I was working at an elementary/middle school assisting the art teacher (who happened to be my aunt). There were the most adorable two brothers, excellent students, infectious smiles and from a troubled home. My first thought was "If I was old enough, I would adopt them." From that day on, I've known I've wanted to adopt. It is by far the best thing you can do, open your home to a child in need. The past few years have been trying. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm in need of answers. Answers that I don't think I'll ever get.

In my research, I've discover several things. Adoption is expensive! More expensive than IVF, sad to say. There are kids in need of homes, yet it costs less money to have science help you create one?! Seriously. That's just wrong. What isn't expensive is Foster Adopt. There's a network in Massachusetts called MARE (Mass. Adoption Resource Exchange, Inc.). They assist and list children who are legally free for adoption from the foster care system. Because foster care is run by the state, they cover the cost for in home studies, and most other fees associated with adoption. (Don't quote me on that, but what I've found seems to state so.) Adoption can cost anywhere from $30k to $50k for an infant domestic or international. Who can afford that? (IVF cost me $1k, and that's only because I live in MA and have a $1k deductible.) Foster Adopt may only cost you legal fees, so depending on your lawyer, it may only be their fees ($2k to $5k).

The thought that keeps nagging at my head is why don't people adopt? I can't answer this question. And if you can't either, take a look at the beautiful faces in need of homes in MA by clicking here. They will break your heart with their loving smiles and simple requests.

How can you not love that face?

Every child deserves a good and loving home. Don't you agree?

So long Naltrexone

So I'm not sure if the Low Dose Naltrexone thought it would be a good idea to start preparing me for an infant (no, I'm not pregnant) or this is just some sick joke. But for the past 4 nights, I have woken wide-eyed at 2am, and 4 am, and 6am..... I figured Friday night was from Hubby being away, which I usually don't sleep well when he's not beside me. Sat was ok and the time change definitely helped a bit, but Sunday and Monday night were awful. I woke up last night at 2am and could not fall back to sleep. Makes sense though. The Naltrexone stops production of endorphins for several hours, then kicks them back up about 4 hours later. Going to bed at 11, waking up at 2, see where I'm going with this?

So tonight, it's so long Naltrexone. I'm guessing this is happening now because my system has finally started working properly. And if that's the case, the pause in endorphin making has probably helped me sleep, but the ramping up of them in the middle of the night, has now become over load. Dr. C said it would be about 6 months before I saw any improvement. Although it has been around 5, I'm taking this as a sign it's time to stop. Crossing my fingers that this is the answer and I can finally get some sleep tonight.

On a side note, we leave Saturday for a week up in Stowe, VT. Yes, this will be our third trip up to Trapp Family Lodge in 14 months. (Got to love parents with a timeshare.) Our first time was a week for our anniversary last year. September/October in VT is heaven.

We rarely have time to just relax. Between work, gym, classes, weekend family gatherings, etc, we don't have a lot of down time. The beauty of Vermont: slow pace. It's one of the only times I feel calm. Mornings are filled with yoga, hot tub, sauna, smoothies and a shower.

Followed by a hike, lunch at the brewery, maybe a nap. Then dinner, wine and a puzzle. Yes, I said puzzle.

Don't judge. There's nothing like taking your mind off the world and focusing on something as petty as a puzzle. Finding which tiny piece fits with another tiny piece. Try it. It works.

This month, we are yet again, trying the Letrozole. Menstral flow was a little better this month, and the past 3 days have been dry. (Have yet to have that happen, it's a good thing.) I'm hoping this means my egg won't ovulate prematurely. I have this gut wrenching feeling lately that my left ovary, the mischievous one, has only been creating cysts, and not releasing an egg. This month I believe is the right ovaries turn. Praying things go well and we have some luck. And being away during the week of that happening can only help.

So please say a prayer, cross your fingers, toes and anything else you can. This is the last month before we move on to other means. And I'm really hoping we don't have to. Vermont brought us luck last time. Maybe it will again.

Now I'm Just Angry

(Last year today, I was at the fertility clinic, getting my 11 eggs removed. Which probably explains today's mood.)


Everyone has a breaking point. That edge between clear headed & calm and the point where you could stab someone. (I probably shouldn't say that out loud. Don't worry, I won't actually stab anyone.) But let's face it, we all have a point where you just can't take it any more. I'm at my breaking point. Infertility has a very thin line between hope and pure anger. I'm teetering on the anger side right now.  For months I've been trying to fight it, and stay hopeful that NaPro will give us what we want. Between you and I, I'm losing hope. I'm breaking down. I'm angry, all the time. I've attempted to put on my happy face and carry on each day as if nothing is happening. But you all know. Anyone I know, knows. So let's cut the bull shit and call it like it is. I'm fucking pissed!


My body should just work! I should want to get pregnant, and it should just happen! I shouldn't have to check my blood every other day during my cycle. I shouldn't have to pump my body full of meds to convince its self that I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have to pee on a stick every day, twice a day to see if something has finally worked. I shouldn't be 3 years down the road and still be childless. I should have a 4month old right now. I should be sleep deprived and blissfully happy. Instead, I'm working. I'm sleeping. I'm wondering what went wrong this month. Why do I have cramps already? Why, if I'm not pregnant, do my breasts hurt every time I move? And why the hell do I have another fucking cyst? 


For anyone thinking I should explore other means of becoming a parent, I have two words for you: Fuck.Off. Unless you are struggling with infertility, I don't want to hear that you think I should adopt. I don't want to hear that I should try IVF again. What is so wrong with wanting to conceive naturally?!  Yes, I'm being harsh. My apologies for those of you who have truly been supportive. But I've gotten the comment about adoption several times. Don't get me wrong, I strongly agree with adoption and most likely will move forward with it at some point in my life. Every child deserves a loving home and I fully intend to change a deserving child's life. But I would like to have a child with my DNA as well. 


I like to think I have a big heart. I know most people who know me probably think I'm a sassy, hard-ass bitch. It's called self protection people. I refuse to let people see that they've gotten the best of me. I'm extremely self competitive and I am my hardest critic. So when something isn't going my way, about 90% of the time, you will have no idea. This is the other 10%. Things aren't working, and I'm mad. I rarely get mad at God. But I'm mad. Whatever plan he/she may have, could you fill me in already?! I've seen rainbows, heard that damn song at the exact moments I think of pregnancy, and still nothing. And to top it all off, I've taken progesterone to hopefully help with PMS and I am beyond dizzy right now. 


Now what? What's the appropriate next step? I know it's only been a few months trying the NaPro approach. But at what point do you call it quits and move on? The answer is, you don't. You follow your heart and you make a decision. So that's what I plan to do. You can't control the uncontrollable. But you can control your actions. And I plan to act. 

(Not my) Dirty 30

Over the past year, I have been meeting up with some friends from home once a month. The four of us are kind of a mish-mosh of friends that some how remained close that got close as the years went on. We span from the NH sea coast, to central MA. Although most would think a 90 min drive would keep us apart, not this group, we always make time. Our monthly girl's night has gotten us through break-ups, job loss, family deaths, friends passing, new homes, new jobs, miscarriage, and all of those quintessential growing up landmarks.

These ladies keep me sane.

This weekend, we celebrated our first 30th birthday. A milestone if you ask me. We managed to keep the weekend a surprise until the moment she opened the door. Although fear filled her face when she did open it to a dark hotel room filled with people, made her believe she was in the wrong place. She soon realized it was the faces of friends and family. 

The birthday princess.

It was a huge success filled with laughs, tears, hikes, swims, shopping, and of course drinks. Yours truly kept the drinking at bay. Seeing as hubby and I used this month to its fullest capacity, my hope is there's a little embryo in there trying to stick. Therefore drinking wasn't really an option. (I did indulge in a couple white wine spritzers, which I'm pretty sure made me look like a huge wuss.) But future baby is far more important. 


One of the most difficult parts of infertility, is answering the question "do you have children?" to people you haven't seen in years or are just meeting you for the first time. What's the appropriate response? You don't want to make anyone feel bad and seem like a turbo bitch, but the question alone is like taking a dagger to the heart. I've found just smiling and saying "Not yet." is usually the best way to go. Then if the conversation leads there, or they become super nosey, you can expand. But once you tell someone, they look at your differently. You can always see that slight pang of pity in their eye.

Managed to find a playground.

Hubby liked the tire swing too.

Then he got stuck.

Which leads me to today. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I've had mild cramps, nothing like last time. I've also had constant mucus, which probably means I have an ovarian cyst. I did have one wave of nausea this morning, but that usually happens from postnasal drip which has over taken my body, along with being super hungry in the am. I'm not terribly surprised to be honest. I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting this will actually happen naturally. Sad to say, I've even stopped eating pristinely and haven't worked out that much, in hopes it may help. Who knows, maybe next week I'll finally see that 2nd dark pink line. 

(I already have a child.)