Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Now I'm Just Angry

(Last year today, I was at the fertility clinic, getting my 11 eggs removed. Which probably explains today's mood.)

Everyone has a breaking point. That edge between clear headed & calm and the point where you could stab someone. (I probably shouldn't say that out loud. Don't worry, I won't actually stab anyone.) But let's face it, we all have a point where you just can't take it any more. I'm at my breaking point. Infertility has a very thin line between hope and pure anger. I'm teetering on the anger side right now.  For months I've been trying to fight it, and stay hopeful that NaPro will give us what we want. Between you and I, I'm losing hope. I'm breaking down. I'm angry, all the time. I've attempted to put on my happy face and carry on each day as if nothing is happening. But you all know. Anyone I know, knows. So let's cut the bull shit and call it like it is. I'm fucking pissed!

My body should just work! I should want to get pregnant, and it should just happen! I shouldn't have to check my blood every other day during my cycle. I shouldn't have to pump my body full of meds to convince its self that I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have to pee on a stick every day, twice a day to see if something has finally worked. I shouldn't be 3 years down the road and still be childless. I should have a 4month old right now. I should be sleep deprived and blissfully happy. Instead, I'm working. I'm sleeping. I'm wondering what went wrong this month. Why do I have cramps already? Why, if I'm not pregnant, do my breasts hurt every time I move? And why the hell do I have another fucking cyst? 

For anyone thinking I should explore other means of becoming a parent, I have two words for you: Fuck.Off. Unless you are struggling with infertility, I don't want to hear that you think I should adopt. I don't want to hear that I should try IVF again. What is so wrong with wanting to conceive naturally?!  Yes, I'm being harsh. My apologies for those of you who have truly been supportive. But I've gotten the comment about adoption several times. Don't get me wrong, I strongly agree with adoption and most likely will move forward with it at some point in my life. Every child deserves a loving home and I fully intend to change a deserving child's life. But I would like to have a child with my DNA as well. 

I like to think I have a big heart. I know most people who know me probably think I'm a sassy, hard-ass bitch. It's called self protection people. I refuse to let people see that they've gotten the best of me. I'm extremely self competitive and I am my hardest critic. So when something isn't going my way, about 90% of the time, you will have no idea. This is the other 10%. Things aren't working, and I'm mad. I rarely get mad at God. But I'm mad. Whatever plan he/she may have, could you fill me in already?! I've seen rainbows, heard that damn song at the exact moments I think of pregnancy, and still nothing. And to top it all off, I've taken progesterone to hopefully help with PMS and I am beyond dizzy right now. 

Now what? What's the appropriate next step? I know it's only been a few months trying the NaPro approach. But at what point do you call it quits and move on? The answer is, you don't. You follow your heart and you make a decision. So that's what I plan to do. You can't control the uncontrollable. But you can control your actions. And I plan to act. 

1 comment:

  1. There are no words. I'm glad you're able to express your anger. You should be able to do that with your friends and family and they should all understand. No matter what mood you're in, I still love you.