Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A Bitter/Sweet Weekend

After months of planning, my husband's best friend and fiance's wedding was finally here. Thankfully we didn't have too travel far, as the wedding was being held only about an hour away. Friday evening was spent running errands, packing and doing some last minute laundry. Saturday morning, we showered and quickly ran out the door to view an apartment/condo for rent. (It's perfect, hopefully it will be ours.) We rushed back home, pulled everything together and packed up the Mini and headed to Waltham.

The rehearsal dinner was held at Elephant Walk which caters to just about every diet, including vegan. (Got to love a very well organized bride, always thinking of everyones needs.) The groom's nephew who is just shy of 6 months was there, as adorable as they come. Having convinced myself recently that "everything is fine, don't need to have a baby at this moment", I found myself yearning to hold this little smiling man. It's amazing how you can fool yourself into thinking something when the very thing isn't around. I realized then, that I'm not fooling anyone, especially myself. I still desperately want to have a child of my own. Any time soon would be nice.

After a lovely luncheon with an amazing meal, we headed to the hotel bar for a meet and greet. Relaxed there until about 7:30pm and drove into Cambridge to crash at our friends apartment. Got some take out, watched "The Switch" then curled up on the air mattress for some much needed cuddling.

The day of the wedding was filled with running around, assisting the bride in applying make up, followed by her mother. Left their house to pick up roses and champagne for their hotel suite, then checked into the hotel and began getting ready. Somewhere in between my phone rang. Driving a manual and operating a cell phone are two things that I refuse to do at once. Thankfully it was my sister, and I figured I'd just give her a ring later.

The afternoon continued to be filled with much running around, then finally settled in at the Paine Estate for the nuptials. A beautifully sunny day with a light breeze accompanied a gorgeous ceremony. Cocktail hour quickly passed and I found myself sitting alone at our table for a moment. I pulled out my cell phone to see if I missed any calls, and remembered I had a message from my sister. I stepped outside to phone her back. The moment my day went from sweet, to bitter. My mother's aunt, who has courageously been battling a brain tumor had taken a turn for the worst. Knowing I couldn't be there, I said an Our Father and a quick Hail Mary in her name. Pulled my husband aside for a moment so I could tear up, then attempted to put myself back together.

The following morning was welcomed with a large breakfast buffet with lots of tea. Prayed another Our Father and Hail Mary while lying in bed. As we are packing up to leave the hotel, I notice I have a second message. I listen then quickly phone my sister back. Our beloved Auntie Paula passed away peacefully, succumbing to her disease. Paula was always a bright shining face that could light up any one's day. She was a religious woman who had the patience of an angel. She will forever be in my heart. I know that she is just another angel looking down upon us, watching over everyone just as she did when she was alive. This post is dedicated to her.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Blue Skies and Answers

I woke up this morning with my head spinning after our appointment yesterday. After being bombarded with more information than I think I could handle, I slept so soundly and woke up to the sun finally shining! It's about stinkin' time. (Those living in New England know what I'm talking about.)

After years of hearing "you probably have endometriosis", I finally had a doctor wanting to do something about it. He asked 90 mins worth of questions and supplied us with answers no one has ever been able to give. I am amazed and truly in awe by the amount of knowledge this man has on the subject. It's upsetting that more people don't know about this type of practice because they have more information than any one else!

Let's start at the beginning. Most of the appointment was focused around me and my ill working ovaries. His concern was centered around possible endometriosis or poly cystic ovarian syndrome. He was able to rule out the poly cystic and stated he's 98% sure I've had endometriosis for awhile. His solution is laproscopic surgery to remove the endo. For those of you unaware of what endo is: during menstration, the lining of your uterus sheds due to lack of embryo implantation. The tissue, instead of releasing through the vajajay travels back up and out the fallopian tubes into your lower abdomen area. The tissue likes to continue growing and can wrap around or attach to other organs causing severe pain. The other side affect is your body then creates antibodies to rid it's self of this tissue, thinking it's a foreign substance. The antibodies will also attack your uterus and ovaries, thus resulting in attacking an embryo resulting in early miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. Exactly what's been happening to me. The antibodies attack the uterine lining breaking down the blood turning it brown and sometimes black.  Once the tissue is cleaned out, you have a 9-12 month window for prestine baby making conditions.

Second concern: I may have issues with my thyroid. Having several family members with thyroid issues as well, we will begin testing almost every other day throughout my cycle to check appropriate hormone levels and thyroid levels. He gave me a great website to refer to and find a supplement that could possibly make a difference. www.1-thyroid.com I will also be meeting with a woman who teaches the Creighton Model which is an all natural approach to family planning. They teach you how to monitor your cycle and what signs to look for to either acheive pregnancy or avoid it. www.creightonmodel.com

Third concern is possible deficiencies. Having already started taking a magnesium supplement, I know the power it has. The second was a Vitamin D3 deficiency, which I'll being taking as well. The last is B6. All of these vitamins are important factors in acheiving and maintaining pregnancy. Dr. C stated that he's had paitents in the past who were unsuccessful in IVF, but just by taking these supplements, were successful. (If you are trying to acheive pregnancy, I strongly urge you to begin taking these supplements. There is tons of research through NaPro linking their importance.

So now that you are just as overwhelmed as I am......

Monday, May 23, 2011

NaPro Eve

So tomorrow is a pretty big day. We've waited 5 weeks for this appointment, which thankfully flew by. Between all the big changes we are making, I'm still glad the appointment is finally here. Although, I've been battling the worst allergies I've ever had, mixed with a pretty bad sinus infection, and on top of that, this month's cycle has been a nightmare. The more I look into it, the more I think I keep having chemical pregnancies. After spotting for 4-5 days straight, I finally got my "period" for 1.5 days. For any other ladies that have gone through a miscarriage, you'll know what I'm about to say. You can feel the blood clots before they happen. During my miscarriage, I felt them every time, running to the bathroom in tears not being able to look. This month, I felt very similar clots. And that's about all this period was: clots. 

Knowing now, far more than I did before, I'm really starting to believe there is something wrong with me. I'm praying the NaPro doctor is able to determine what that is. Although he's pretty adamant that I have endometriosis, I'm interested to see what he finds. I feel like I'm able to get pregnant, I'm just not staying pregnant. With Spring, as always, comes baby fever. Everyone has waited out the winter to announce their pregnancies. For me, I'm staying focused on my "big changes", packing up my life, waiting to here if we are moving, and doing what I love: decorating! So I'm throwing myself into our new humble abode and looking forward to some answers. 

In a way, it kind of feels like Christmas Eve today. Hoping tomorrow brings me some joy.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Oh Change, How I Love & Hate You

So, apparently I must have been feeling like my life was becoming too stagnant. Or maybe it's because of everything that has happened. Or because I'm someone who embraces change with open arms. Whatever the reason may be, almost every aspect of my life has changed in the blink of an eye. I was lucky enough to be offered a position at my husband's company about a month ago, that I eagerly agreed to take. I must say, I'm enjoying it. Seeing hubby at work is fabulous and brings a smile to my face. It's funny because we kept saying we didn't think we saw each other enough and thought it would be nice to work together. Then low and behold, his boss offers me a job. However I was working only part time, and have now jumped to full time. (Agh.) Big change in schedule, which lead to the next change.

For those of you who don't know me well, I have been living with my husband's family for about a year and a half now. (Insert snarky comment here.) For anyone asking "How do you live with in-laws?!", I respond with "You obviously have never met mine." They are the most sincere, genuine people that you could ever meet. They are far easier to live with than I am and they have been a true blessing to have in my life. (We like to think of ourselves as living a European lifestyle; family lives together.) With all the losses in our lives over the past 7  months, we have all truly been able to appreciate one another and the support we've all received has gotten us through. And although I love living with them, we have decided it's time to be on our own again. Hubby and I are both sad and nervous to be leaving, but we know it's the right time. Amazingly enough we found a place in less than a week. Much sooner than we anticipated. But it's big and beautiful and we're excited for the move. 

On top of all the change, I'm convinced I've had, yet again, another chemical pregnancy. Hubby and I planned it just right, watched my cycle and enjoyed a  planned "evening" just the two of us. Two days later I had light spotting. Then 4 days after that I began having more spotting. Instead of your usual array of reds, mine have been brown and black. (For those of you ladies experiencing the same, be sure to check with your doctor if endomeitriosis is possible. That is one of the many signs.) Next week is our meeting with the NaPro doctor. Hopefully I can finally get some answers.

So let's see, I've changed my job, my car and now my living arrangements. What else is life going to throw my way?

Monday, May 9, 2011

You Can Fit A Baby In A MINI, right?

Now most of you will probably think I've lost my marbles, maybe I have. But the lack of success in the baby making department has left me feeling sporatic and pretty grateful for all the other blessings in my life. The lack of responsibility for another human being kind of feels nice right now. (That probably sounded really selfish.)  I've been able to meet friends for drinks (thank goodness), shop (very therapeutic if you ask me) and I've been able to purchase a fun little summer car. Yup, the girl who's dying to get pregnant, bought a MINI Cooper Convertible. What can I say, I'm enjoying life. After months of heart attack and far too many losses to experience in six months, I said f*ck it and bought myself a treat. You can fit a baby in a MINI, right?!

Yesterday was easier to get through than I thought it would be. I kept myself busy by hosting a Mother's Day cookout for our Moms and my sister. Between food shopping, prepping and hosting, my day was exhausting. But the sole feeling I embraced all day, is that some day, someone will be doing this for me. Now whether "our time" comes sooner or later, I must say, I'm pretty content with my life right now. I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason. (Sometimes easier to embrace than other times.) But I'm starting to feel like things are coming together. I was able to find a full time job, which I'm enjoying. Hubby and I have seen an increase in finances, which will hopefully increase again in the next month. We've done alot of talking and figuring out where we are in our lives, and where we want to be. All in all, I'm happy. And I think that says alot.