Friday, August 26, 2011

Yes, I'm Selfish. Feel free to be jealous.

Nothings happening. No seriously, nothings happening. 

I'm pretty boring right now to be honest. I did however have a refreshing conversation last night with another gal struggling kicking infertility's ass. You can all pretend to understand what comes with not being able to get pregnant. You can sympathize, tell me you're there for me, and all that other shit. But let's be honest, you have no clue as to what happens in this big ole noggin of mine. You can't grasp the depth of conflicting emotions and frustrations that come with trying really "hard" to get pregnant (get the joke?). That is why I love talking to other ladies in the same boat. 

So last night, after failing to listen to a voicemail for a week because I suck, I finally returned a phone call. As we started discussing the treatment plans we have both been given, it came to my attention that doctors really have no idea what they are doing. For example, her doctor has been telling her that stress plays absolutely no factor in trying to conceive. However, Dr. C and Nurse Creighton have informed me that our ovulatory systems shut down when we experience a high volume of stress. And no I don't mean stress of paying bills and other super annoying things in life. Unexpected stress that throws you completely off your game. Our pituitary gland that controls the release of our eggs every month tells the ovary "Now's not a good time ladies". Therefore shutting down the system and pretty much putting it in hibernation. Your body will eventually perk back up and your pittuitary gland will give the launch code and that poignant abdominal pain will kick in releasing an egg. So why the hell don't more doctors know about this?

We continued chatting and sharing stories of the conflicting advise we've received. No hold onto your britches people, but I finally was able to say out loud:

I have finally come to terms that I may never have a child. And I really think I'm okay with that.

And it's true. Although I have seen vast improvements in my cycle this month, there's always a chance that for whatever reason, my body can't handle a pregnancy. It only took me 2 years and 8 months to get to this point. And to be honest, I really think I'm capable to handling that outcome. 

There's always been this huge longing in me to be a mom. But then there's this really selfish part of me that loves my life right now. I love coming home after work, changing into my gym clothes and running out the door. Or leaving work to cruise some shops for things I couldn't possibly need. I love sleep, I need sleep, at least 8-9 hours. That ain't happenin' with a baby in the house. Do I really want to run around chasing a toddler all day? Do I have the patience to nurture a child? I can barely handle a dog. I see other moms, and between you and I, I have no clue how they do it. Between the baby talk, naps, feedings, tantrums, and Lord knows what else, I can't see how I'd be cut out for that. Yet I love kids, and would love to have my own. 

For that past year, I've kept that to myself. It was nice to finally talk to someone trying so hard to get pregnant who keeps asking them self the same question. I'm fighting so hard for something, but what am I fighting for? So I've surrendered. I'm giving up. I'm still trying, but I'm giving up. I will partake in timed intercourse and continue to track my cycle. But in no way am I forcing my body to make a child. Let's face it, I can't control whether or not I can have a kid. So I'm done trying. I am doing the one thing my doctor suggested:


So that's my plan. I am going to be oober selfish, I'm going to eat well, drink wine, work out hardcore, hike, backpack, vacation, bike, and do whatever the hell I want while I can. And if we're blessed with a child, I will follow the best advice I've been given:

"You don't change your entire life because you have a kid. You incorporate your child into your life." -Thanks Momma Fournier

~And for those of you who keep saying not to have an only child, I'm pretty sure I can't control that, so please stop the comments. They are no longer welcome. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Never Forgotten

Last night was one of those nights I probably scared the bejesus out of my poor husband. This is the third time this year I've been drawn to Facebook at a strange time to, low and behold, find devastating news of someone passing. The first being my grandmother (whom my cousin's posted loving prayers for prior to receiving the call), the second a childhood classmate and the third yet again, another childhood classmate. 

Strangely enough my husband and his friend have had several conversations on dying and the fear of being forgotten lately. In these days of social media and cell phones, I find it hard to believe that anyone can be forgotten. Obviously my grandmother is someone who's always on my mind and I think of every day. Friends that I've grown up with and lost touch with though, you'd think wouldn't have the same affect. In most ways it's different, but in many, the same. Loss is something we can not control and never expect. Even when you're standing next to the person when they take their last breath, you can never fully prepare for that person to no longer be in your life. Whether you see them everyday, or they're a treasured memory from your past.

Growing up in a fairly small southern New Hampshire town, everyone knew everyone. Although we were all thrown together after 5 years in separate elementary schools, our class was close. They may have been cliquey, not everyone got along, (and I couldn't wait to get out of there), but you knew them all the same. It's frightening to think that those memories are now just simply that: memories. The two girls who have passed were both close friends of mine at some point in my life. But how is it that 10 years later their passing can still hit me and knock me off my feet. I feel like a hypocrite posting prayers and thoughts for their family and close friends when I haven't had contact with them in years. Knowing that their lives have abruptly changed and their families will forever mourn their passing. Their loss is so much greater than mine, how can it even compare. But there's something earth shattering about losing a class mate as well. Something that touches a part of you that you can't explain. As I get older, they are becoming less of a rare-occerance and now something I'm beginning to expect. 

Although my husband's fears have been affecting my mind, moments like yesterday affect me the most. They remind me that life is too short to stress about things you can not control. One moment you are here, and the next you're simply a memory. I'm hoping I can start living my life one day at a time and stop planning ahead. I hope the passing of these amazing women will not hold anyone else's life back but make them cherish their memories and moments even more. I know they have for me. I may not have spoken to them in years, but they are still remembered and will never be forgotten.

And as hypocritical as I may feel for saying it, I truly mean what I say: you are all in my thoughts and prayers as you mourn the loss of your family member or close friend. Marlena was always a bright smiling face and I can honestly say I do not remember one negative thing about her. She was someone that no matter where life had taken us through school, she would always say hello. I remember her fondly as well as her family. I can't imagine the grief that they are feeling. My heart is heavy for you all. May she rest in peace.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Right Mind

I had heard from several friends that struggled to get pregnant, that after they started seeing a chiropractor, they were able to conceive. (Oh the things we'll believe.) Well this months been unsuccessful, but not from lack of trying. Ha ha. I finally got to see my wonderful chiropractor after a month. The first thing I'm asked "How's your stress level?" Funny you should ask, I'm not pregnant, I'm doing 2 full time jobs at once, I'm solely responsible for the launch of our E-Commerce site and the redesign of the company's websites. Stress?! What stress?! I don't think I'm stressed.

So what does stress really do to us? A question I'm forever trying to understand. For someone who's aware of their body and the sensitivity that possess it, I'm starting to see first hand how it's affecting me. I've gained 10lbs in 3 months. Seriously?! Where the f*ck did that come from? Yes, I had a surgery and was sitting on my ass for a month, but 10lbs, really?! Granted, my eating habits have not been stellar lately either. All my weight seems to accumulate around my stomach, ass and thighs. I know, common for women. But it puts a serious damper on wearing skirts. Chub rub has now become my new best friend. 
My next investment and potential new best friend. 
Where have you been all my life?!

My serious lack of motivation has been holding me back from returning to the gym. Ah, the dreaded gym. I can't figure out what I want to do with my time. For two days I was dead set on joining a CrossFit class about a mile from my house, but that started to sound like too much work. And the idea of heavy lifting and aggressive movements while trying to get pregnant seemed like I'd just be adding more stress. So then I visited the gym across the street. Eh, same old boring machines. What to do, what to do..... I miss yoga. I truly felt my happiest and healthiest when I was practicing yoga. But the closest place is really pricey and the one 25 mins away of course is the one half the price. 
Hopefully me soon.

So hubby came up with the idea that he was going to help motivate me. Such a sweetie that hubby. So he found the P90x DVDs and insisted we start doing them together before work. Thus helping my endorphins build in the am as recommended by Dr.C. So last night we found the schedule and set our alarms for 5:15am. (yuck)  For those of you who know me, I tend to fall asleep around 9 or 10pm. To my surprise, I crawled into bed at 11 and was wide awake. Tried to help. Tried to read a boring help. Eyes finally closed at 11:45. Opened at 2:15. Closed at 2:30. Opened at 4. Closed at 4:30. At this point I said f*ck it, turned off my alarm. Continued to wake up at 5, 5:30, 6, 6:45. Worst night sleep. Awesome. For two nights in a row, I have slept like crap. 

So now I'm really motivated to start working out. I sleep so much better when I've put in a good workout. And that doesn't mean I have to sweat my ass off or lift crazy amounts of weights. 30-60 mins of cardio or any type of movement makes a huge difference in my sleeping pattern. Those 30-60 mins allow me to clear my head, work out my stress and feel human again. Something I've been lacking. Now recommended by Dr. C and my chiro, I need to be of right mind. They suggested a vacation, and trust me, I'm working on that. But for the time being, I'm going to workout, I'm going to eat more vegetables, and I'm going to stop letting work stress me out. Three simple things that will hopefully make a huge difference.

PS- Netflix on demand has a couple great National Geographic programs I just watched yesterday (while sitting on my fat ass not working out). I highly recommend them. The stress one was very informative. 
National Geographic: Stress: Portrait of a KillerNational Geographic: Incredible Human MachineNational Geographic: Appalachian Trail

Other goals: cook more while listening to music. 
One of the only things that takes my mind off everything else.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


How has a week already gone by? I swear I just left my appointment with Dr C, however that was now a week ago. Time seems to be flying by lately. I look up, and it's August. How? Anyways, I think I'm still slightly in shock as to how well the appointment actually went last Tuesday. For months my cycle has been abnormal, last month with a cyst and two months before that dealing with a chemical pregnancy. All in all my charting has been all over the place. Super long mucus cycles, clotting, barely there periods.....too many things to list.

In my amazement, this cycle, oddly enough that started the day of my surgery, has been the most normal in months! Dr C was pretty amazed too. Usually they advise you to wait a month before "trying" again. However he said "Don't pass up this month, go home and try if you're comfortable." He proceeded to go over the blood work he had me doing timed with my previous cycle. He found 8 causes of concern from one blood draw! 8! Nothing serious that couldn't be fixed. However there was one thing that was causing everything else. 

For some reason my immune system is very low. (No shocker there seeing as I get sick very easily.) Because my immune system is low, my t-cell count was not up to par. The t-cells work as "Pacmen" (you know, the video game) and they target the endomeitriosis tissue and kill it when it shows up where it shouldn't be. When t-cells can't do their job, your antibodies step up and kill anything resembling the tissue. Meaning they can attack your uterine lining, ovaries and some times your pituitary gland, which mine was. Your pittuitary gland controls your ovulation letting your ovary know it's time to release it's egg. It also controls your thyroid. Because it was attacking my thyroid as well, it caused my levels to elevate resulting in hypothyroidism. I started on Levothyroxine a couple days after surgery. 

Dr C also gave me a Rx for Low Dose Naltrexone, an endorphin blocker usually used for alcoholics and heroine addicts. He said to be prepared for a funny look from the pharmacist. So because my t-cells are low and my immune system is not functioning properly, apparently that indicates low endorphins. Why, might you ask, would he put me on and endorphin blocker then? The blocker is taken at night, right before bed. Your endorphins build up as you sleep and spike right before you wake. As the day progresses, they continuously drop. Mine aren't building up properly. The Naltrexone allows me to not build any until mid night sleep that way they will last longer during the day. You start with a very low dose and build up over a month. This will hopefully allow them to build back up to a healthy level. I should only need to take it for about 6 months. At that time my immune system should no longer be under attack, nor should my thyroid. So there is an end in site. The other 6 causes of concern in the blood work stemmed from these issues and are already being corrected. 

As for now, my job is to:
1. stay stress free
2. work out 4 times a week
3. sleep with socks on
4. eat more fish and cheese
5. have planned intercourse, I prefer to use the term lots of love making ;)
6. keep the same diet, except for the add ins of course
7. sleep in pitch black room
8. continue taking magnesium, prenatal, D3
9. only take B6 during peak mucus or ovulation time

For those of you who pee on stick everyday, sometimes twice a day like me, I highly recommend purchasing the single test strips. They are far less expensive and produce much less waste. Click the link below to see's recommendations. Your wallet and husband will thank you!