Friday, August 26, 2011

Yes, I'm Selfish. Feel free to be jealous.

Nothings happening. No seriously, nothings happening. 

I'm pretty boring right now to be honest. I did however have a refreshing conversation last night with another gal struggling kicking infertility's ass. You can all pretend to understand what comes with not being able to get pregnant. You can sympathize, tell me you're there for me, and all that other shit. But let's be honest, you have no clue as to what happens in this big ole noggin of mine. You can't grasp the depth of conflicting emotions and frustrations that come with trying really "hard" to get pregnant (get the joke?). That is why I love talking to other ladies in the same boat. 

So last night, after failing to listen to a voicemail for a week because I suck, I finally returned a phone call. As we started discussing the treatment plans we have both been given, it came to my attention that doctors really have no idea what they are doing. For example, her doctor has been telling her that stress plays absolutely no factor in trying to conceive. However, Dr. C and Nurse Creighton have informed me that our ovulatory systems shut down when we experience a high volume of stress. And no I don't mean stress of paying bills and other super annoying things in life. Unexpected stress that throws you completely off your game. Our pituitary gland that controls the release of our eggs every month tells the ovary "Now's not a good time ladies". Therefore shutting down the system and pretty much putting it in hibernation. Your body will eventually perk back up and your pittuitary gland will give the launch code and that poignant abdominal pain will kick in releasing an egg. So why the hell don't more doctors know about this?

We continued chatting and sharing stories of the conflicting advise we've received. No hold onto your britches people, but I finally was able to say out loud:

I have finally come to terms that I may never have a child. And I really think I'm okay with that.

And it's true. Although I have seen vast improvements in my cycle this month, there's always a chance that for whatever reason, my body can't handle a pregnancy. It only took me 2 years and 8 months to get to this point. And to be honest, I really think I'm capable to handling that outcome. 

There's always been this huge longing in me to be a mom. But then there's this really selfish part of me that loves my life right now. I love coming home after work, changing into my gym clothes and running out the door. Or leaving work to cruise some shops for things I couldn't possibly need. I love sleep, I need sleep, at least 8-9 hours. That ain't happenin' with a baby in the house. Do I really want to run around chasing a toddler all day? Do I have the patience to nurture a child? I can barely handle a dog. I see other moms, and between you and I, I have no clue how they do it. Between the baby talk, naps, feedings, tantrums, and Lord knows what else, I can't see how I'd be cut out for that. Yet I love kids, and would love to have my own. 

For that past year, I've kept that to myself. It was nice to finally talk to someone trying so hard to get pregnant who keeps asking them self the same question. I'm fighting so hard for something, but what am I fighting for? So I've surrendered. I'm giving up. I'm still trying, but I'm giving up. I will partake in timed intercourse and continue to track my cycle. But in no way am I forcing my body to make a child. Let's face it, I can't control whether or not I can have a kid. So I'm done trying. I am doing the one thing my doctor suggested:


So that's my plan. I am going to be oober selfish, I'm going to eat well, drink wine, work out hardcore, hike, backpack, vacation, bike, and do whatever the hell I want while I can. And if we're blessed with a child, I will follow the best advice I've been given:

"You don't change your entire life because you have a kid. You incorporate your child into your life." -Thanks Momma Fournier

~And for those of you who keep saying not to have an only child, I'm pretty sure I can't control that, so please stop the comments. They are no longer welcome. 

1 comment:

  1. ummm, there are people telling you to not have an only child?!? WTF! There is no controlling that, don't these people get that you're having a hard time conceiving one, let alone thinking about a second pregnancy down the line!?!?!

    You are right to enjoy yourself while you can, work out, do what you love. Children don't mean you can't do any of the things you love ever again, but there becomes a new issue of time. There will be activities you can bring your child along, others you can't. Mrs. Fournier was very right - you incorporate your children into your life. But there are times that they will have needs that generate conflict. It's a lot of give and take. You will figure it out when it all happens. And I still believe it will happen. Glad you have found some sort of peace that if it doesn't, everything will be ok.