Backing Off.......

It's been 8 days since I've written, and about all I can say is.......blah. I feel awful lately. Which my husband so kindly pointed out. Besides trying to begin eating vegan again, and many failed attempts, I think I'm at my depressed point again. It's continuously up and down. I finally start feeling good about me and where life has gone, and then I find out someone's pregnant. Or I see parents not caring for their kids. Or I remember that I want to be a mom. Whatever it is, it's taxing. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I'm lazy. I'm eating shit. (Not real shit, just crap. You know what I mean.) And I'm not working out as I promised myself I would.

So what's a girl to do? Honestly, I don't know anymore. Family and friends keep pressuring us to look into adoption. Or they ask us for answers that we don't have. Like "What's your plan?". As if we've been doing nothing and need to now decide. Well guess what, I have no fucking idea! So stop asking.

We're living. That's our plan. To make it through another day. To survive the news of one more friend conceiving.  To get through one day without being reminded of the hell we live in. I'm 28 years old, not 45. Yes my biological clock is ticking, but at least the gears haven't stopped.

What would I like to do? I'd like to be left alone. I'd like to not have the subject come up. I'd like for one night to forget that I can't conceive and not have anyone know, or ask, or give me the "I feel sorry for you" look. It's getting old people. I'm infertile, not blind.

And that is the end of my rant.......for today.

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One a brighter side, for anyone interested, I found a new tea at a natural food store that supposedly supports the health of the female cycle. Traditional Medicinals Raspberry Leaf Tea. I've been downing it like crazy. (A girl can dream.)

I've also begun a small group therapy (I guess you could call it) for local ladies struggling to conceive. And I must say, I could not be happier that it's finally happened. There's nothing like standing in a room filled with people who understand and don't judge anything that comes out of your mouth. The first gathering was quite intimate seeing as the power went out 20 mins before they were to arrive. I was freakishly vacuuming the living room as everything goes out, leaving me to believe I blew a fuse. Not the case, everything was out for about a 3 town spread. I luckily stock up on candles for such occasions and we spent the next 5 hours chatting about anything and everything. To you ladies, thank you! You have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I could not be happier that life has brought us together.

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A New Plan:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.

That's a good starting point. I'm a planner, can you tell?

Now I'm Just Angry

(Last year today, I was at the fertility clinic, getting my 11 eggs removed. Which probably explains today's mood.)


Everyone has a breaking point. That edge between clear headed & calm and the point where you could stab someone. (I probably shouldn't say that out loud. Don't worry, I won't actually stab anyone.) But let's face it, we all have a point where you just can't take it any more. I'm at my breaking point. Infertility has a very thin line between hope and pure anger. I'm teetering on the anger side right now.  For months I've been trying to fight it, and stay hopeful that NaPro will give us what we want. Between you and I, I'm losing hope. I'm breaking down. I'm angry, all the time. I've attempted to put on my happy face and carry on each day as if nothing is happening. But you all know. Anyone I know, knows. So let's cut the bull shit and call it like it is. I'm fucking pissed!


My body should just work! I should want to get pregnant, and it should just happen! I shouldn't have to check my blood every other day during my cycle. I shouldn't have to pump my body full of meds to convince its self that I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have to pee on a stick every day, twice a day to see if something has finally worked. I shouldn't be 3 years down the road and still be childless. I should have a 4month old right now. I should be sleep deprived and blissfully happy. Instead, I'm working. I'm sleeping. I'm wondering what went wrong this month. Why do I have cramps already? Why, if I'm not pregnant, do my breasts hurt every time I move? And why the hell do I have another fucking cyst? 


For anyone thinking I should explore other means of becoming a parent, I have two words for you: Fuck.Off. Unless you are struggling with infertility, I don't want to hear that you think I should adopt. I don't want to hear that I should try IVF again. What is so wrong with wanting to conceive naturally?!  Yes, I'm being harsh. My apologies for those of you who have truly been supportive. But I've gotten the comment about adoption several times. Don't get me wrong, I strongly agree with adoption and most likely will move forward with it at some point in my life. Every child deserves a loving home and I fully intend to change a deserving child's life. But I would like to have a child with my DNA as well. 


I like to think I have a big heart. I know most people who know me probably think I'm a sassy, hard-ass bitch. It's called self protection people. I refuse to let people see that they've gotten the best of me. I'm extremely self competitive and I am my hardest critic. So when something isn't going my way, about 90% of the time, you will have no idea. This is the other 10%. Things aren't working, and I'm mad. I rarely get mad at God. But I'm mad. Whatever plan he/she may have, could you fill me in already?! I've seen rainbows, heard that damn song at the exact moments I think of pregnancy, and still nothing. And to top it all off, I've taken progesterone to hopefully help with PMS and I am beyond dizzy right now. 


Now what? What's the appropriate next step? I know it's only been a few months trying the NaPro approach. But at what point do you call it quits and move on? The answer is, you don't. You follow your heart and you make a decision. So that's what I plan to do. You can't control the uncontrollable. But you can control your actions. And I plan to act.