Easter Recap

For those of us struggling to conceive, the thought of surviving another holiday can spark a major panic attack. And if Easter came about a month ago, I would have been right there with you. Thankfully it was on Sunday, and I'm in a better place than March. Or was it because of the yummy sushi tray we split with friends Friday night.......

Can't enjoy sushi if you're preggers. Ha ha to my pregnant friends. 

(We have to have some benefits, right?)

Saturday went by way too fast, and I woke up Sunday morning exhausted. But family brunch awaited, so we packed up and headed to NH. I come from a family (you'd think we were Italian), that love to feed people. We expect you to eat, and we put out waaaaaay too much food. (We all do it, it's a family thing.) My mother is an amazing cook, it's one of the reasons I deeply regret going vegan (or find myself cheating, only dairy I swear)! But being the only vegetarian/vegan couple, we struggle at family gatherings. I am one lucky gal though, my supportive family always have something specific they know we can eat. 

So what did we enjoy? I had brought a Vegan Broccoli Quiche, and Mom had a huge selection of fresh fruit. So I piled up my plate and devoured every last bite with a big glass of cran/raspberry/pineapple/orange juice. Yum!

And all the kiddos were there....

Complete with party dress and headband.

The older boys enjoyed their egg hunt, 

which was apparently more difficult this year 

seeing as they can all count.

Even Teddy was included.

How can you deny that face?!

And what's a family holiday party without a little nudity?

Who me?

I know what you're thinking, how can you take a break after looking at those little munchkins? Trust me, it's a struggle. I'm actually starting to believe that the Letrozole was making me angry. It blocks estrogen production, so I guess that makes sense. I also felt as though it was making me depressed. This week having not taken it, I feel like myself again. I'm slowly getting back my drive to work out. Last week I even over did it by taking a bootcamp class that left me limping for 5 days. Yet I am going back tonight. (Narcissist?) Slowly, each day, I'm starting to feel better. Hopefully this weekend away with my lady friends will contribute to the mending as well. 2.5 more days......

Backing Off.......

It's been 8 days since I've written, and about all I can say is.......blah. I feel awful lately. Which my husband so kindly pointed out. Besides trying to begin eating vegan again, and many failed attempts, I think I'm at my depressed point again. It's continuously up and down. I finally start feeling good about me and where life has gone, and then I find out someone's pregnant. Or I see parents not caring for their kids. Or I remember that I want to be a mom. Whatever it is, it's taxing. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I'm lazy. I'm eating shit. (Not real shit, just crap. You know what I mean.) And I'm not working out as I promised myself I would.

So what's a girl to do? Honestly, I don't know anymore. Family and friends keep pressuring us to look into adoption. Or they ask us for answers that we don't have. Like "What's your plan?". As if we've been doing nothing and need to now decide. Well guess what, I have no fucking idea! So stop asking.

We're living. That's our plan. To make it through another day. To survive the news of one more friend conceiving.  To get through one day without being reminded of the hell we live in. I'm 28 years old, not 45. Yes my biological clock is ticking, but at least the gears haven't stopped.

What would I like to do? I'd like to be left alone. I'd like to not have the subject come up. I'd like for one night to forget that I can't conceive and not have anyone know, or ask, or give me the "I feel sorry for you" look. It's getting old people. I'm infertile, not blind.

And that is the end of my rant.......for today.

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One a brighter side, for anyone interested, I found a new tea at a natural food store that supposedly supports the health of the female cycle. Traditional Medicinals Raspberry Leaf Tea. I've been downing it like crazy. (A girl can dream.)

I've also begun a small group therapy (I guess you could call it) for local ladies struggling to conceive. And I must say, I could not be happier that it's finally happened. There's nothing like standing in a room filled with people who understand and don't judge anything that comes out of your mouth. The first gathering was quite intimate seeing as the power went out 20 mins before they were to arrive. I was freakishly vacuuming the living room as everything goes out, leaving me to believe I blew a fuse. Not the case, everything was out for about a 3 town spread. I luckily stock up on candles for such occasions and we spent the next 5 hours chatting about anything and everything. To you ladies, thank you! You have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I could not be happier that life has brought us together.

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A New Plan:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.

That's a good starting point. I'm a planner, can you tell?

Time for a change.

Hubby was not happy to see the words "Semen Analysis" plastered on Facebook. Figured a formal appology was necessary.

Sorry Hubby.

I disappeared, as I had warned you all. I've been avoiding everything baby related. Wanting nothing to do with seeing, discussing or planning for children. After the panic attack, I figured it was truly time to take a giant step back and focus on other things.

As I prepared to invest my time in other things, I of course get a sinus infection. Which limited my running last week, to nothing. Can't breath = no run. Thankfully, it's almost over. By getting sick, I realized I haven't been treating my body well lately. After surgery this past July, I began eating vegetarian instead of vegan. Hoping my body could handle the change, I gave it 6 months. I stopped eating ridiculous amounts of veggies and started eating white breads and sugars again.

It didn't work. My body hates all things animal related or bleached white. Besides gaining 20lbs back, my stomach has once again been swollen, bloated and (brace yourself) I've been having irregular bowel movements. What's a girl to do? Change. (Because I seem to be obsessed with change.)

Unlike last time, this isn't happening over night, but I am going back to vegan. I cringe because I've forgotten how to do it. Dairy really is in everything. It's quite hard to avoid. But I love to cook, and am hoping with the change will bring back that passion. Along with healthy meals, little spending on eating out and a significant drop in weight. (Praying it's like last time.)

Where to begin? I started with a cleanse. For those of you who can't handle poop talk, just stop reading. Saturday, since it was snowing and we rarely take a day to do nothing, hubby and I hunkered down and flushed out our systems while watching 2 seasons of United States of Tara. He really wanted to do a smoothie cleanse, flushing and replacing. I wanted everything out of my body so I could start fresh. I won.

For $2.19 you can purchase a bottle of lemon flavored magnesium citrate. Pick up some chamomile tea and be ready to run. We started around 9am and by the evening our systems were empty. I woke up Sunday morning feeling fabulous. Stomach was flat and hungry. I made a hemp protein smoothie with lots of berries and some kale. Knowing that we'd be meeting the in-laws for breakfast, I didn't want to indulge in eggs. So the smoothie was a perfect start to the day. At the farm (breakfast place), I had 2 pieces of their home made wheat toast with honey and cinnamon on top. I did flounder in the afternoon while watching the game (Go Pats!) and snacked on some lactose free cheese. Belly immediately swelled.

So today I embarked on a dairy free day. So far so good. Same delicious smoothie for breakfast. Chipotle vegetarian burrito bowl for lunch. Apple for my snack. And after work I'm praying I can get my fat ass to the gym. Wish me luck.

*Want any tips on smoothies, eating vegan, cleansing? Let me know. I'll be happy to share.

From Panic Attacks to Semen Analysis

I officially had my first panic attack last week. I still don't understand why or how I had it. To be honest, I know what they are, but never really understood the capacity of them. I'm not terribly comfortable sharing why it happened. But what I will say, is seeing someone else with their child triggered it. I did my best to remain calm and talk myself through it. I was at work, and did not want to shed any tears in front of anyone. It was the end of the day, thank goodness. I held myself together, focused on my breathing, and walked out the door with my husband 5 mins later. As we walked out, I whispered to him "I think I'm having a panic attack. I'll explain once we're in the car."

I shut my door and immediately started hyperventilating. I could barely speak and was sobbing uncontrollably. My breathing was short as I continued to gasp for air. It was quick, only lasted about 5-10 mins. But it happened. I've focused all of my time and energy recently on other things. I've pushed the thought of babies and getting pregnant to the deepest corner of my mind. Work has taken over my life along with several other things. Needless to say, I've been preoccupied. I haven't allowed myself to even think about getting pregnant. I falsely believed I was fine. I was content in the fact that I have a good, busy job and a lot going on.

Pain creeps up on you though, whether you face it or not. Sooner or later it's going to surface and knock you to the ground. I allowed myself those 15 mins to grieve. To embrace the sorrow and face the pain. Then I picked myself up, put a smile on my face, and thanked God for my husband. I am not an arrogant person, nor do I expect anyone to praise me for my ability to keep going. It's sometimes a curse if you ask me. I try to stay positive and focus on all the amazing things in my life. Mostly because I can't handle looking at the bad.

I walked into 2012 with my eyes shielded, waiting for the rug to come out from underneath me. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Today, was a step in the right direction. Today was our follow up with my husband's urologist. 2 years ago when we first met him, hubby was taking inhalers for his asthma and eating a "normal" diet. His semen analysis came back at only 7% normal, at best. Numerous tests and ultrasounds, he was told our best shot to conceive is IVF.

Not today. Today, having had another semen analysis to determine if surgery was necessary, we were told his numbers are just slightly below perfect. All of his numbers have increased, motility, mobility, count, etc. Everything is up! (no pun intended)

How?

Why?

Are you serious?

Yup, all numbers are up. His words: "I see no reason why you can't conceive naturally." So what changed? Well, having changed our diet to vegan, my husband's asthma simply disappeared. He no longer needed his inhalers. When we mentioned these two things to the urologist, he smiled at us and said, vegan or vegetarian diet makes a difference, no animal hormones. Along with the lack of asthma and needing inhalers, no more steroids.

So needless to say, no surgery for hubby. Now, if only my ovaries would start cooperating....