I officially had my first panic attack last week. I still don't understand why or how I had it. To be honest, I know what they are, but never really understood the capacity of them. I'm not terribly comfortable sharing why it happened. But what I will say, is seeing someone else with their child triggered it. I did my best to remain calm and talk myself through it. I was at work, and did not want to shed any tears in front of anyone. It was the end of the day, thank goodness. I held myself together, focused on my breathing, and walked out the door with my husband 5 mins later. As we walked out, I whispered to him "I think I'm having a panic attack. I'll explain once we're in the car."
I shut my door and immediately started hyperventilating. I could barely speak and was sobbing uncontrollably. My breathing was short as I continued to gasp for air. It was quick, only lasted about 5-10 mins. But it happened. I've focused all of my time and energy recently on other things. I've pushed the thought of babies and getting pregnant to the deepest corner of my mind. Work has taken over my life along with several other things. Needless to say, I've been preoccupied. I haven't allowed myself to even think about getting pregnant. I falsely believed I was fine. I was content in the fact that I have a good, busy job and a lot going on.
Pain creeps up on you though, whether you face it or not. Sooner or later it's going to surface and knock you to the ground. I allowed myself those 15 mins to grieve. To embrace the sorrow and face the pain. Then I picked myself up, put a smile on my face, and thanked God for my husband. I am not an arrogant person, nor do I expect anyone to praise me for my ability to keep going. It's sometimes a curse if you ask me. I try to stay positive and focus on all the amazing things in my life. Mostly because I can't handle looking at the bad.
I walked into 2012 with my eyes shielded, waiting for the rug to come out from underneath me. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Today, was a step in the right direction. Today was our follow up with my husband's urologist. 2 years ago when we first met him, hubby was taking inhalers for his asthma and eating a "normal" diet. His semen analysis came back at only 7% normal, at best. Numerous tests and ultrasounds, he was told our best shot to conceive is IVF.
Not today. Today, having had another semen analysis to determine if surgery was necessary, we were told his numbers are just slightly below perfect. All of his numbers have increased, motility, mobility, count, etc. Everything is up! (no pun intended)
Are you serious?
Yup, all numbers are up. His words: "I see no reason why you can't conceive naturally." So what changed? Well, having changed our diet to vegan, my husband's asthma simply disappeared. He no longer needed his inhalers. When we mentioned these two things to the urologist, he smiled at us and said, vegan or vegetarian diet makes a difference, no animal hormones. Along with the lack of asthma and needing inhalers, no more steroids.
So needless to say, no surgery for hubby. Now, if only my ovaries would start cooperating....