Monday, October 31, 2011

A Year Ago Today

It's Halloween, and for most, it's a time to dress up your kids in funny costumes and parade them around your neighborhood. Or it's a time to display yourself as someone or something else. But when I think of Halloween, I no longer think of costumes and candy. I think of the start of our fertility journey. Halloween was our first egg retrieval. It was a day filled with excitement and hope. It was the first day I truly let myself believe that I could get pregnant. I let myself believe that this was it. And a year later, we are still childless and have yet to make any progress.

Last weeks first flurries, mid week.

Thankfully, (insert laugh here), a fluke snow storm that has downed power lines across New England helped to take my mind off things this weekend. Being a true New Englander, I love all seasons. But there's something about the first snowfall this is still magical at age 28. I've been "in a dark place" the last couple of weeks. I've been pretty depressed and have been struggling to stay positive.
I'm angry, a lot. 
I've cried, a lot. 
I've sworn, a lot. 
I've questioned God, too many times. 
This weekend, with the lack of power or ability to go anywhere, I finally am starting to relax. I slept too many hours, drank too many glasses of wine, spent hours sitting by a fire. I've let myself release all almost all of my negative emotions. I'm starting to feel more in control of myself and what I can do.

Probably should put the snow tires on soon.

So what's a girl to do? The holidays are coming. The anniversary of our miscarriage is coming. The overwhelming loss of several family members is creeping up. It's only been a year, but far too much has happened. More than one family should ever experience. Feeling so out of control of fate and what lies ahead, I'm going to try to take control of the things I can. 

I can start eating vegan again. (It's when I've felt and looked my best.)
I can start working out 4-5 days a week. (Thanks to hubby's help and encouragement.)
I can start making decisions on what the next step will be. (With hubby's input.)
I can take a vacation, or two. (VT & the Berkshires)
I can go visit my Cali friends. ;) (Hopefully in March if all goes well.)
I can start focusing on today and stop worrying about tomorrow.

After the storm, comes the sun.

1 comment:

  1. That is a great list of "I can's". I hope you realized there are many, many more I cans than there are I can'ts.