The "M" Word

I am happy to report I am not pregnant. Nor have I miscarried. This post could have been a lot different. Thankfully, it's not. Sunday, with no sign of my period insight, and 15 days post peak, I decided to test. Light blue line. Awesome. I get that pretty much every time I test. Fast forward to Monday morning. Wake up bleeding. Good thing I didn't get excited.

You may want to stop reading if you have a weak stomach. If not, you've been warned...

While at work on Monday, I excused myself to the restroom to find 2, not just 1, but 2 pieces of tissue on my pad. I have only ever had this happen one other time. I didn't freak out, surprisingly. I stayed calm, and called Dr. C. He was alarmed and ask me to save it, and come in that night for blood work and pathology on the tissue. So I left work early, yet again, and headed to his office. Picked up the paper work and headed straight to the lab.

Yesterday on my drive home, I got a call from his nurse. She had the tone of voice where you could just tell she felt bad about what she had to say, the sympathy tone. She said my hcg was .7 but they didn't have the results from the tissue. They would know in a few days and call me. From what she explained, it sounded like she was telling me that I was miscarrying. Usually anything over .5 is considered a positive. So I braced myself for bad news.

Today, on my way back from lunch with Hubby, I realized I had a voicemail. It was Dr. C. Got to love this man, he leaves long, detailed messages, so that there's no confusion in what he's telling you. I did not miscarry. There was no indication of conception in the tissue and the blood work apparently didn't show any trace of pregnancy. Thank the Lord!

Normally I have been having 4-5 days of brown spotting. When that never came and the bright red did, I got nervous. I haven't had a "normal" period in.......I don't know how long. So all this was, was a healthy happy period.

Things can always be worse. I'm just happy to say that it wasn't another "m" word.

Baby F Memorial Day

Today is the dreaded day. Today marks the one year anniversary, or better yet memorial of our first child's birthday. (I immediately take a moment to rub my face and hide from the fact that I just typed that.) A year. A full year has passed. The memory has not faded, and the hope of being pregnant again to help lessen the blow, has not happened.

Instead I am going to be completely honest with all of you. I hate writing about this. I hate being the one everyone feels bad for. I hate that everyone knows what I am going through, what we are going through. I hate that it's Christmas in 2 days, I have no tree and barely any decorations up. I hate that the 2nd bedroom isn't a nursery, or that my basement isn't over run by toys. I hate when I'm holding my new niece, that no one has the nerve to ask to take her from me. I hate that I wake up at 4:30am, but not to a screaming infant. I hate the looks I get after someone reads a devastating post. I hate that even my closest friends aren't sure if they can ask what's happening in fear of sparking tears. I hate that our Christmas card, which I haven't even sent out yet, doesn't contain a 3rd family member.

But this is my life right now. I'm married, working a full time desk job, trying to get over months of depression. I am focusing on losing the 20lbs I've gained. (Yes, I said 20.) I'm attempting to be a runner and finish a 5k in the Spring. I signed up for a weaving class in a nearby town to hopefully rekindle my love for the arts. I hope with everything that I am, that I can get pregnant, and carry to full term. I hope that if I can't, that we are blessed with adoption. I hope that I can pull myself out of this pit of sadness to remember who I am, and how I want my life to go.

Control the things you can. That's what I plan to do. I could sit here and think that our child would be turning 5 months old, what they would look like, whether or not I'd have some serious bags under my eyes. But I won't. There's things that happen to good people that we can never explain. Things that make absolutely no sense. I hope one day I can come to terms with all that has happened. But for today, I am thankful for those 9 weeks, for the sound of their heartbeat and the image of them on the ultrasound. I am thankful that my husband is still by my side after months of fertility drugs. I'm thankful we were lead to Dr. C. I am thankful for Barbara, our nurse and all her support. I'm thankful to our friends and family always letting us know they support us. I am thankful for all of those who will never have to experience what we have. I am thankful I started writing this for all of you to read. I'm thankful for those of you who have reached out with similar stories.

Today I am thankful for Andrew. Our first son whom I will never forget and look forward to meeting in heaven.

Now what?

It's officially taken me 5 days to digest everything we discussed with Dr. C on Friday. (As I've stated recently, I always trust my gut. Thankfully Dr. C agrees with that statement.) After we received the blood results from Saturday, the day I started bleeding, we were afraid that I may have imagined the whole pregnancy thing. However, the blood work we had done in his office on Monday was >.5 and Saturday's was .5. That low amount usually indicates no pregnancy. But seeing as we had a positive home test on Thursday, he agreed I had a very early miscarriage, also referred to as a chemical pregnancy.

So, has knowing this changed anything? No. When he asked me what I thought happened before we had the blood results, there was no doubt in my mind that I was pregnant. I had two days of nausea, saw implantation bleeding, and you couldn't even look at my breasts without causing me shooting pain. But after three days, they were all gone. I still believe we got pregnant, then days later, for whatever reason, the embryo stopped growing. Dr. C is in agreement. We are unsure if I released a premature egg, or if one of the warped sperm found their way to the egg.

Now what? As recommended, we are taking the month off. I am spending this time to focus on me. As a wise woman informed me, I've lost a bit of myself the last few months. I am attempting to regain those pieces and remember who I am. Starting with working out. I'm probably going to regret saying this, but I've started training for a half marathon, (shhhhhh don't tell). I tend to go over board with things, it's usually all or nothing with me. So Saturday I started running again. I am hoping at the very least, come Spring, I'll be ready for a 5k, and then we'll take it from there.

As for hubby, the poor guy had his junk ultrasound today. He met with the urologist who insisted on a consult, seeing as it's been 1.5 years since we've seen him. He now has to redo a specimen and has a follow up on January 4th. At that time, the urologist will determine whether or not surgery is necessary to remove bilateral varicosele. By the time he gets in for surgery, most likely it will be February. I am still hoping and praying that in the meantime we will get our miracle. As for now, you may see me disappear for awhile, or become overwhelmed with food, fitness and sanity tips. My apologies in advance.

I will say one thing in closing: for the past 3 years we have been trying to have a child. This is the first real month where we will be avoiding getting pregnant. Knowing, seeing and charting my cycle won't allow for any slip ups (mostly because my Creighton Nurse said firmly yesterday to avoid this month, it's definitely not by choice.) I almost don't know what to do with myself. Oh yes, new obsession: train for 1/2 marathon.

How to Survive the Holidays-Infertility Style

Let's be honest, it's hard enough miscarrying on any given day. The holidays make everything worse. Besides getting through the EDA, getting through the holidays are by far the next runner up. Here's my words of advice for all of you living through the same pain.

1. Eat.   I'm not saying eat the entire Christmas dinner yourself. (Although if you're anything like me, you've thought about it.) Allow yourself to enjoy some Christmas desserts. After all, like my grandmother always says "Think about the people who passed up the chocolate cake on the Titanic." If you start to feel guilty, counter balance the sweets with some extra time at the gym. It will burn off the calories and help to clear your head. Trying mixing in a lot of vegetables, fruits and whole grains as well. Offer to bring a dish to the family party, something nutrient dense. It will help to keep your energy level up and mood happy.

2. Drink. Allowing yourself a drink (or two) at those awkward family gatherings, they will help to calm your nerves. However, don't over indulge. You don't want to be the blubbering idiot in the corner everyone feels bad for and avoids. You want to attempt to be the happy socialite surviving the pain, even if you're just pretending. When you need a moment, take it. Emotions come in waves and you just have to ride them out.

3. Avoid. That's right, avoid those who always seem to say the wrong thing. You have enough to worry about and bad memories filling your every thought, you do not need another one. Simply smile and say hello and then walk the other way. No need to be rude, but no need to cause yourself any more pain.

4. Be Merry. Yes I know, this will be the hardest one. How do you be happy when you have no baby bump, no "Babies 1st Christmas" ornament, no child sitting at the kids table? Remember you always have your spouse. If you can make it through infertility together, you can truly make it through anything. Through all the torture, my husband and I have managed to let this pull us even closer together. Don't let your sadness put a void between you two. Remember that infertility is no one's fault. It's discouraging, it can bring you to your darkest place. But when you're there, tell your spouse. Be open and honest with one another and find a way to be happy. (Happiness is a choice after all.)

5. Remember you are not alone. I am there with you in spirit. Quietly avoiding conversations about kids. Smiling when someone feels the need to remind you that you're still young. Biting your tongue when you hear "You should look into adopting" for the 1,000th time. I'm sitting beside you, holding your hand, reminding you that this is a battle we share.

6. Therapy. And if none of those seem to help, there's always Retail Therapy. Buy yourself a new outfit for the holidays, something flattering and makes you confident. Strut your baby-free figure and smile that you don't have any stretch marks hiding under that shirt. Hell, buy yourself a gorgeous Christmas bra and matching underwear set. Enjoy staying up all night together and sleeping-in in the morning. (Your husband will thank me.)

Just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you can't handle the company Christmas party, don't go. If the thought of sitting through the family dinner curdles your stomach, plan a last minute getaway and say Adios to the holidays. Your family and friends will understand. Taking care of yourself comes first, and I think a lot of the time we forget that. This holiday season, put yourself and your happiness first. I know I plan to.

New Goals

Word to the wise: Do not under any circumstance, tell me that:

A. We are trying too hard.
B. We should just relax.
C. Look into adoption.

I don't want to hear it right now. I know you may think these are comforting words, or you may really believe one of these things, but they are not helping me. I realize my stress level right now is high, trust me, I KNOW. I will say that tequila is my new best friend. I fully intend to relax and try to enjoy the holidays. We've booked a long weekend for New Year's in the Berkshires, alone. (No offense to any of our friends.) But I want to be alone.

December 23rd marks the anniversary of our first miscarriage. Having just experienced our second, I plan to do my very best to make it through the holidays. I make no guarantees though. All I know is that the one two things getting me through this month is my husband and our long weekend. It was my hope to be pregnant this month, I thought it might lighten the blow of facing the 23rd. I know now that that isn't a possibility. Therefore I am making new goals. Things to keep me focused and keep my mind off of everything else. I hate resolutions, goals seem more attainable. And why wait for the new year, why not start now?

New Goals

1. Work out 5 days a week. This year has packed on the pounds that I worked so hard to get off last year. So it's back to the gym, with a strong focus on nutrition. No longer eating to fill the void. Words of encouragement: Eat to live, don't live to eat. (Possibly hanging motivational photos on the fridge, and buying a scale to stay focused.)

2. Take a yoga class once a week. Nothing calms my nerves or helps relieve my stress like yoga. I figure once a week is an obtainable goal.

3. Run a 5k in the Spring. I've always wanted to be a runner. Having been blessed with ghetto ass and a substantial bosom, I never thought it was in my cards. However the week in Vermont re-instilled my desire to run. So look out world, you're going to see a lot of jiggling until things shrink or finally tighten back up.

4. Cook more. When I'm sad or depressed, like most people, I stop doing the things I love. Like cooking. Which has also contributed to the weight gain. So back to being Susie Homemaker it is.

5. Get pregnant by June. I've heard writing down your goals helps them to come true. After all, you don't know what you're striving for until you've faced them/written them down. 

6. Continue looking into adoption. Even if we don't move forward right away, I want to begin the process. (Shhh.....don't tell hubby.) No, I'm just kidding. This is obviously a big discussion that I plan to have with him. In no way does this mean we are not going to continue trying on our own. But we won't be meeting with Dr. C until January to discuss what to do next. And in the rare circumstance that we discover any more bad news, I want to have all of our options on the table.

7. Be more creative. What can I say, I was a textiles major and art has always been a huge part of my life. I recently discovered a local shop offering classes and happened to pick up a steal on Goupon. Also looking to relearn how to knit. Anyone want to help with that?

8. Be happy. Happiness is a choice after all. There will always tragedy, suffering, pain, sadness. But you have the choice to bask in it, learn from it, or look past it. I will not let life get the best of me. I chose to be happy. (I'll just have to keep reminding myself of this.)

I know.

Sometimes you just know. I know I was pregnant. I knew early. Every sign was there along with that first line that appeared on Thursday, confirming what my gut was saying all along.

I know now, that I am no longer pregnant.

And now the waiting begins. Waiting for the awful cramps and endless bleeding that comes along with miscarriage. Waiting for my body to regain it's normal cycle. Waiting until we can try again.

But there's hope.
Hope that after 2 years and 11 months of trying, we finally can conceive on our own.
Hope that 2012 will bring us what we've wanted for so long.
Hope that my body can carry a pregnancy to full term.
Hope that one day, we will be parents.
Hope that no matter what, we remain positive.

Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. I truly felt as though I could feel them, and still do. There's an aura around me of love today, and for that, I am ever grateful.

Today I pray for another soul lost too early. 

I pray that they felt our love the moment they were conceived. 

I pray that I can remain strong. 

I pray for all of you walking similar paths. 

Know you are not alone. 

What is my gut saying?

So you have all been very patient. More patient than me. First, my apologies for keeping you in the dark. I have my reasons, and I hope you can all understand once I explain. It's a long story, so here goes.....
Thursday, 17 days post peak, still no period. So I peed on a stick, or two, or three...light line. I've had that so many times I tried not to get too excited. Dr. C told me to call his off on day 17 post peak if I didn't have my period whether I saw a line or not. I called at 8am. By the afternoon, I still hadn't heard, so I called back around 3:30. Told the message is on his desk. No phone call that night. That night, after I peed on a stick, I showed my husband the test. His first response: "Holy shit! You aren't crazy!" Mostly because I'd been saying all week that I thought I was pregnant, and he worries that I read too much into things.

Friday, 18 days post peak, still no period. Peed on a few more sticks. Light line. Keep in mind, my first pregnancy I never saw a dark line. My Hcg Levels were slow to climb to the point I didn't really see a line until day 19 or 20. I called Dr. C's office at 8am again, he's off today. Awesome. Thankfully his nurse practitioner was in and I was told she'd phone back. No call, so at 2pm letting anxiety take over, I phoned again. Told once again, the message is on her desk now, and she will phone around 4pm. 5 mins later, the receptionist phoned back and ordered lab work. I got out of work too late, so figured I'd go Saturday morning.

Saturday, 19 days post peak, still no period. (You may want to stop reading if you can't handle details.) So hubby and I had waited to have sex for a while after ovulation, I was afraid to disturb the area knowing it was already irritated. After, I started bleeding. Then came the cramps and some back pain. Afraid of another miscarriage, I phoned Dr. C's answering service. 2 mins later, Dr. C phoned me back. I explained what had happened. His first concern was that maybe my cervix was irritated and to relax, have bloodwork done, and be positive. There was also the fear of miscarriage discussed. I took a couple more tests that day, still a light line. The cramps continued for about an hour along with the back pain. After that they faded out for the most part. The bleeding wasn't heavy, didn't feel like clots. I tried to stay positive, knowing I would have answers on Monday.

Sunday, 20 days post peak, still spotting. Although it was light, it was still there. Still no clots, which made me feel a bit better. It's now become a mix of bright red blood, brown, and clear cervical mucus. Not heavy, but not super light either. In my mind, at this point, I was feeling like it was a miscarriage. My gut had been telling me for the past week that I was pregnant. I had a few days of nausea, super tender breasts, and some constant daily headaches. They started to fade mid last week, except for the headaches. At this point I'm very confused and starting to believe, and brace myself for another miscarriage.

Monday, 21 days post peak, still spotting, but much lighter. I phoned Dr. C's office as directed. I was able to get an early morning appointment and headed in alone. (Hubby had some meetings today.) I get to his office and in about 20 mins brought into a patient room. I then have to explain to the nurse that I'm there because I don't know if I'm miscarrying or not. Dr. C came in shortly after. Explained everything to him. He did a quick external exam, just pressing on my abdomen and lower abdomen. No pain, he seemed pleased. He continued to explain that the bleeding could be caused by the disturbance on Saturday. If I'm pregnant, my uterus will be flooded with blood and very sensitive. The blood, seeing as it's bright red and brown, that it could be a lower leak from my cervix, and some of the blood may have been trapped, but now being released.

So here I am, thinking he's going to tell me I'm miscarrying, and here he is, being super positive and scheduling a follow up appointment, Hcg level bloodwork again, and an ultrasound. I'm sorry, what? So you don't think I'm miscarrying? He was really positive and hopeful that this pregnancy may still be happening. He excused himself at that point to get my blood results from Saturday. As luck would have it, the lab messed up and only took my progesterone level, not my Hcg. At this point, I'm laughing. Seriously, how many other things can go wrong right now?! The lab however, still has my blood and thinks they can pull the Hcg, but we won't get results for at least another day. So then Dr. C's office does an Hcg test today as well, to be able to compare the two levels. I have taken another home test, where the line appears and then fades once it dries. My emotions are truly split down the middle, half of me believes I am still pregnant while the other half is telling me it's a miscarriage.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I should have answers. Tomorrow we should know what is actually happening in my body right now. I'm scared, I've cried numerous times and hid inside all weekend. This is the difficult part of blogging, the part that frightens me the most. I'm tearing up as I type because I don't know what's happening. I don't know if I am pregnant, I don't know if I am miscarrying. All I know is that we need alot of prayers right now. We need positive thoughts and energy. I ask that you all continue to be thinking of us and praying for us. I know that your support has helped us get to where we are today. And no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, we are happy with knowing we were able to conceive on our own, something we did not think was possible.

Everybody Poops

Let's face it, everybody poops. It's parting of being alive.

So here I am, sitting on my sofa doing a "bowel prep" before my surgery tomorrow. Which basically means I'm a pooping machine today. Having already had a colonoscopy at the ripe age of 27, this is not my first bowel prep. However, your mind kind of blocks out what the last one was like. But thankfully I'm not drinking the jug of salt water that makes you heave every time you smell it. I must say, magnesium citrate is the way to go to flush out your system. Pop it in some hot chamomile tea with a little lemon juice, you won't taste a thing. However your mind will not let you forget that the tea is going to make you shit your brains out. Best of luck.

As I'm sitting on my sofa waiting for the poop to come, my mother in law phones. Apparently Dr. C left a message that he needs to speak with me as soon as possible and to have him paged if he's with someone. A little bit of panic set in, but I attempted to remain calm and phoned his office. After a 5 minute wait he picks up. The blood work that I had done on Sunday indicated I have yet another ovarian cyst. Not entirely surprised since I've been held up on the sofa all week in pain and the swelling has been ridiculous. The fortunate thing being I have surgery tomorrow. So due to my bowel prep, he recommended holding off on an ultrasound and calling the surgeon's office to inform them.

The other unfortunate thing being the blood work also revealed I have hypothyroidism. Shocker. It runs in my family. Symptoms: brittle nails & hair, dry flaky skin, cold sensitivity, weight gain and fatigue. BUT it can also cause infertility and miscarriage. He simply suggested a synthetic version of the hormone that will help to regulate my system. This is to commence after my surgery followed by blood work after a month to retest my levels. It may take a couple months to find the right dosage, but it should make a difference. 

So as I wait for the surgeon to phone back and the poop to exit my body, I'll continue to starve myself eating only jello and sipping Gatorade while watching the entire first season of My So Called Life.

What else is there to do?

INFO on Hypothyroidism:
The thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland situated in the lower neck just above the collarbones. It secretes hormones that control general metabolism and influences a wide range of other biological functions including body temperature, blood calcium, weight loss, and menstrual periods.Studies show that under active thyroid- hypothyroidism can result in increased risk of miscarriage, premature birth, maternal high blood pressure during pregnancy and pre-eclampsia, a potentially serious condition that develops during the last trimester of pregnancy.