Head vs. Heart

I had a great outlook on the holiday. I love Thanksgiving, I love seeing family, I love to eat and I love to cook, so all seemed well. Wednesday evening I took some very needed "me" time and ditched my husband after work for the gym, and Marshall (the store, not another man). Spent a fabulous 2 hours shopping and left with only a couple items. (Not like me at all.) Headed right to Hannafords before they closed and picked up my last minute ingredients. Made it home around 9pm and started cooking. 2 hours and 2 Felicity episodes later, I finally fell onto the sofa with a glass of water. (Not wine, which I really wanted. Because that's what you do when you're trying to conceive. You fight the urge to cook with wine.) Hubby soon returned home and we crawled into bed.

Thursday morning we lounged around until it was time to head out. On the way to drop off my egg less quiche and dessert at the in-laws, I read my husband the best post by another blogger. Got half way through before the tears began streaming down. (Reading someone else's thoughts on infertility and the holidays makes me do that.) Click here to read cry. Although my mind was not flooded with thoughts of babies and why I wasn't toting around a 4 month old, I still felt empty. And that's really the best way to describe it. That small part always missing and making you feel less than whole.

We arrived at my parents and enjoyed an amazing meal my mother always puts together. Complete with my nephews all removing their shirts to eat, then destroying the living room when left alone for 5 mins.

But still, there was this emotional nagging on my heart. My Mom, was standing in the kitchen with me, when my Dad walked by and mentioned it had been 8 months since the passing of my grandmother, his mother. My Mom gave me "that" hug, you know the one where you let every guard down and let her wrap her love around you. And that's when it happened. I began sobbing. Because how long can I really keep it together. My sisters quickly came to my side, not needing to say anything, because we all just knew. And there, in the kitchen, we cried. For what was missing, for what had been lost, for the sadness that comes along with a year gone by.

The rest of the day was held together by lots of desserts. At some point I started to feel nauseous, and really tired. So I excused myself and went upstairs to curl up on my in laws sofa. Took a mini nap and later headed home. Friday and more nausea, followed by super tender breasts, and another nap. My head was telling me "You're pregnant!" while my heart kept shouting "Shut the fuck up!". It's difficult at this point to not read into every bodily function or abnormality I experience. Like always, I took a home test. Negative. But it's early, I told myself, be patient.

And the next day was followed by another test. Saturday I had my 10 year high school reunion, so obviously I needed to know if I could drink. Extremely faint line. (Don't get excited. I get those all the time.) I tried to keep my emotions at bay, but my head just kept screaming at me. I even had a dream that I was pregnant with a baby girl, even saw myself at about 5 months pregnant with her. Reunion went well, great to see so many old faces. All in all, a wonderful evening. Milked one glass of wine over 3 hours, and managed to spill a decent amount while giving hugs.

Sunday I woke up not feeling pregnant. No nausea. No cramps. Most tenderness gone. No line. I did however wake to a very little amount of bright red blood mixed with mucus, and one little spot of dry blood. Odd, some what resembles the last time I was pregnant, the implantation process. The mucus continued throughout the day along side some brown blood. (Brown blood is usually old blood, while the bright red is considered new blood.) So that the hell is happening? I have no idea. All I know is that the mucus and brown have continued into Monday and today, along with another negative test and another super faint line. My guess: good ole Aunt Flo is on her way. But a small part of me is still hoping, while my heart continues to yell "Shut the fuck up!"

And of course, as luck would have it, my husband's urologist is on vacation all week. Waiting until next Monday to discuss scheduling his surgery. Still hoping this is our month, but knowing deep down, it probably isn't.

(Not my) Dirty 30

Over the past year, I have been meeting up with some friends from home once a month. The four of us are kind of a mish-mosh of friends that some how remained close that got close as the years went on. We span from the NH sea coast, to central MA. Although most would think a 90 min drive would keep us apart, not this group, we always make time. Our monthly girl's night has gotten us through break-ups, job loss, family deaths, friends passing, new homes, new jobs, miscarriage, and all of those quintessential growing up landmarks.

These ladies keep me sane.

This weekend, we celebrated our first 30th birthday. A milestone if you ask me. We managed to keep the weekend a surprise until the moment she opened the door. Although fear filled her face when she did open it to a dark hotel room filled with people, made her believe she was in the wrong place. She soon realized it was the faces of friends and family. 

The birthday princess.

It was a huge success filled with laughs, tears, hikes, swims, shopping, and of course drinks. Yours truly kept the drinking at bay. Seeing as hubby and I used this month to its fullest capacity, my hope is there's a little embryo in there trying to stick. Therefore drinking wasn't really an option. (I did indulge in a couple white wine spritzers, which I'm pretty sure made me look like a huge wuss.) But future baby is far more important. 


One of the most difficult parts of infertility, is answering the question "do you have children?" to people you haven't seen in years or are just meeting you for the first time. What's the appropriate response? You don't want to make anyone feel bad and seem like a turbo bitch, but the question alone is like taking a dagger to the heart. I've found just smiling and saying "Not yet." is usually the best way to go. Then if the conversation leads there, or they become super nosey, you can expand. But once you tell someone, they look at your differently. You can always see that slight pang of pity in their eye.

Managed to find a playground.

Hubby liked the tire swing too.

Then he got stuck.

Which leads me to today. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I've had mild cramps, nothing like last time. I've also had constant mucus, which probably means I have an ovarian cyst. I did have one wave of nausea this morning, but that usually happens from postnasal drip which has over taken my body, along with being super hungry in the am. I'm not terribly surprised to be honest. I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting this will actually happen naturally. Sad to say, I've even stopped eating pristinely and haven't worked out that much, in hopes it may help. Who knows, maybe next week I'll finally see that 2nd dark pink line. 

(I already have a child.)