Attempting to Stay Composed

Tuesday afternoon I had my second meeting with the Creighton Model RN. Whom I love by the way! It took us a good hour and 20 mins to figure out two weeks of my charting. Yup, an hour and 20 mins. I wasn't joking when I said this was intense. Besides checking myself before peeing, after peeing, before a BM, after a BM, before I shower, after I shower, before bed, after bed.....I have to figure out what each mucus looks like, stretches, color, consistency, blah blah blah. It is amazing what only two weeks of charting can tell you. Of course mine is a huge mess seeing as we had to replace about 5 stickers for misreading what the mucus was.  Hence the long appointment.

Besides all of the charting, RN and I discussed what I refer to as PMS'ing. Since I was 16 years old, I remember having to be picked up from school on the first day of my period. Cramps taking over my entire body forcing me to take a hot bath to try to relax my muscles. There were days where I was on the verge of passing out or throwing up. From that early age, I have been told that "some girls just have it worse". Not true. There is a broad scope of menstruating side affects, however severe cases are usually an indication of something else going on. In my case, possible endometriosis and low progesterone. NaPro Docs have been researching for years and have the proof to back this up: extreme PMS is usually an indication of low progesterone which can be helped with a progesterone replacement supplement, perfectly healthy. At my next appointment with Dr. C, I will be bringing this up.

All in all, I guess you could say my mood is sporadic. I find myself getting angrier the last couple of weeks. Watching expectant mother's waddling around, ready to pop, planning for their little ones arrival, talking about their excitement. Truly I am thrilled for them, no part of me resents them. But I just feel sad for myself, "Pity Party For one please!" I have yet to have a day when I haven't thought about where I could be right now. Heading towards 8 months pregnant, picking out nursery furniture, going to our baby shower, all the things that come with a newborn. Yet, I have nothing except that little ducky outfit I bought over a year ago when the first false positive test bit me in the ass. Still empty, still not pregnant. My body of course finds it funny to play tricks on me too. More false positive tests, no period at 29 days, no cramping, not pregnant. Lovely. Another peak of excitement brought crashing down by the lack of yet another pregnancy. I'm dreading what July will unfold emotionally. I'm praying I can continue to hold it together. Although my due date will probably invoke everything I've been trying to control for 7 months.

Are you there Wine? It's me, Celia......

Lately, it feels as if everywhere I turn, someone is pregnant. Someone from high school, college, family, a friend, even the girl that works at my usual lunch place! All these swelling stomachs feel like they are taunting me. Yet my mind keeps me at bay reminding that yes, I am only 28 and there is still time. However the other half of me keeps this nagging constant feeling that I should be pregnant. In fact, I should be 8 months pregnant now to be exact. A thought that I've been able to ignore over the last few months keeps creeping back into my mind. Reminding me that I should not be able to see my toes and counting down the days till we meet our little one. But alas, I can see my toes, my painted black nails, my tight ankles showing no sign of water retention. My clothes still fit and I'm still drinking wine. 


It's an under statement to say it hurts. Every day is a reminder of what could have been. Even though my husband is more supportive each day and always finds a way to make me smile, it's still there. A slight piece of me missing. This month, trying to remain positive, I began charting with the Creighton Model. It's intense and very descriptive and on occasion a little intrusive, even for me. The RN that is working with me in my charting stated at our appointment "We'll be seeing a lot of each other", referencing how off my cycle is. Monitoring the changes in my cervical mucus made me wonder this month if I was in fact pregnant. Being the loon that I am, I took a test 5 days post peak. And there it was, that stupid faint line that always shows up. So I call the on-call doctor, because it's a Sunday, to inform him that Dr. C had said to call if I see anything. Thinking I may be deficient in progesterone he sent me for bloodwork and started me on tablets. Monday morning Dr. C phones to say the good news is my progesterone levels are good, but my HCG was negative. No baby, again. And no clue as to what is causing that line to show up.


I am split, right down the middle. Half of me desperately wanting to have a family while the other half keeps reassuring me that there's no rush. It's like hearing voices in your head all day fighting over who's right. (Not to be alarmed, I'm not actually hearing voices.) But I must say, its torture. With our move coming up and wanting to head to Cali to visit a good friend and hopefully Napa, I know timing is still not perfect. But is it ever? And will this ever happen for us?