Anger

I want to run away and hide. Everything feels like a dream. It has been two whole days since I've cried. Foolishly assuming I am doing better, and the pain is disappearing. A woman I know came up to me today and said "I heard you are expecting." I froze. I didn't even know what to say. Being the honest person that I am, I first responded "No", then gave in and said I was, then the tears came. I am fine until I'm confronted with it. I'm able to push all of it away until someone or something triggers the memory.

I feel like it was all a dream. In my mind it feels like it happened years ago, but emotionally the wound is still open and gushing. I'm sad, angry, annoyed, hurt... Part of this pain is having everyone know. I'm starting to feel like writing this blog has been a mistake. How did I think I could go through this so publicly. What did I think was going to happen, everything go perfectly smooth. When has anything gone perfectly smooth. When in my life have I not had to fight for what I wanted.

I keep getting the questions about when we'll try again, will we try right away, how are you doing, how are you feeling. I realize all of these are out of care and concern, but I can't answer them. I'm still dealing with the loss so I have no clue as to when we will begin again. All I know is that there is no way I am giving up. And right now I just want to run away and hide.