Another Happy Holiday

Yesterday morning I woke up, ate breakfast, showered and was about to head off the gym when I realized I needed to pee. I walk in the bathroom, lock the door and pop a squat. It was at that very moment everything changed. I noticed I was spotting. I called the doctor and immediately went in for an ultrasound. The US tech was very thorough, but did not let me look at the screen while she took the images. Hubby was with me, but he couldn't read what she was doing. They kept us in the room while the radiologist reviewed the images. The doctor, who's in the same building, is then informed and sent the images. We were told to sit and wait for a phone call. The US tech walks in and says the doctor would like us to go up to her office.

I knew at that moment that something was wrong, hubby was still remaining positive. We sit in the waiting room for what felt like an hour, but was probably only 15 mins. We're brought into a room and wait for the doctor to come in. Because this is our new OB office, I haven't met this doctor yet. She knocks and then walks in the door with a hesitant smile. She cuts right to the chase, "It's not good news". The baby only measured 6 weeks and 2 days, the same as our last ultrasound. Most likely, right after we heard and saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. I am miscarrying. My eyes well up and I am immediately sobbing.

There are truly no words to describe how I felt at that moment. I have been hesitant since day one, knowing that most people are not successful in their first IVF attempt. I never truly let myself get attached to the idea. How do you let go of something you never really let yourself believe in. I've cried alone, I've cried with my family, I cried this morning when I woke up.

The cramps began to intensify last night. Tylenol took some of the edge off, but did not last through the night. I tossed and turned trying to find a position that didn't hurt. Two days before Christmas and I'm going in for a DNC. The thought of watching this all happen in front of my eyes made me sick to my stomach. So I made a choice to let them intervene. In my mind, it has already happened and I am just helping it along. But that doesn't take away any of the pain. It doesn't change anything.

I can't help but question everything I've done for the past month. Was it the stress? Was it from working out? Was there something wrong with my egg? Why would this happen after everything we've been through?! I'm trying to push all these thoughts out of my mind. As everyone has recently told me, "nature has it's way of taking care of things". Trust in the fact that what is not meant to be, doesn't happen. As my mother in law said, "maybe you'll have a November baby to  make next year easier on all of us." I hope that is true.