Today is the dreaded day. Today marks the one year anniversary, or better yet memorial of our first child's birthday. (I immediately take a moment to rub my face and hide from the fact that I just typed that.) A year. A full year has passed. The memory has not faded, and the hope of being pregnant again to help lessen the blow, has not happened.
Instead I am going to be completely honest with all of you. I hate writing about this. I hate being the one everyone feels bad for. I hate that everyone knows what I am going through, what we are going through. I hate that it's Christmas in 2 days, I have no tree and barely any decorations up. I hate that the 2nd bedroom isn't a nursery, or that my basement isn't over run by toys. I hate when I'm holding my new niece, that no one has the nerve to ask to take her from me. I hate that I wake up at 4:30am, but not to a screaming infant. I hate the looks I get after someone reads a devastating post. I hate that even my closest friends aren't sure if they can ask what's happening in fear of sparking tears. I hate that our Christmas card, which I haven't even sent out yet, doesn't contain a 3rd family member.
But this is my life right now. I'm married, working a full time desk job, trying to get over months of depression. I am focusing on losing the 20lbs I've gained. (Yes, I said 20.) I'm attempting to be a runner and finish a 5k in the Spring. I signed up for a weaving class in a nearby town to hopefully rekindle my love for the arts. I hope with everything that I am, that I can get pregnant, and carry to full term. I hope that if I can't, that we are blessed with adoption. I hope that I can pull myself out of this pit of sadness to remember who I am, and how I want my life to go.
Control the things you can. That's what I plan to do. I could sit here and think that our child would be turning 5 months old, what they would look like, whether or not I'd have some serious bags under my eyes. But I won't. There's things that happen to good people that we can never explain. Things that make absolutely no sense. I hope one day I can come to terms with all that has happened. But for today, I am thankful for those 9 weeks, for the sound of their heartbeat and the image of them on the ultrasound. I am thankful that my husband is still by my side after months of fertility drugs. I'm thankful we were lead to Dr. C. I am thankful for Barbara, our nurse and all her support. I'm thankful to our friends and family always letting us know they support us. I am thankful for all of those who will never have to experience what we have. I am thankful I started writing this for all of you to read. I'm thankful for those of you who have reached out with similar stories.
Today I am thankful for Andrew. Our first son whom I will never forget and look forward to meeting in heaven.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Selfish or Ensuring your own happiness?
I'm the youngest of three girls. For my entire life, I have been told I'm spoiled, I guess it comes with being the youngest. When I was little, my parents would always say how easy going I was. My husband will now argue that that is definitely not the case, and I have to agree with him.
I've also been called selfish. Which I'm proud to say I am. (Hear me out.) I think a lot of the time we confuse selfishness with just trying to be happy. Is there a difference between the two? I don't think so. For most of my life, I had gone along with what other people wanted. I never put up a fuss or stated what I was really thinking. My freshman year of college, attending a university where I knew no one, I started fresh. I began speaking up for myself and at times, I'm sure my friends would say I was brutally honest. It wasn't until I started a sorority my junior year of college and began having to be diplomatic that I realized there's a delicate tact to being honest. I remember being at a meeting and completely losing my temper. I just got to the point that I was so frustrated with trying to please someone else, or not hurt their feelings, that the honesty just boiled up and exploded. I immediately regretted it. It was from that day on that I vowed to myself to be honest, but kind.
So why is being selfish good, you're probably asking.....I think a better way to word it is "living for yourself". But seriously, they are the same thing. Living for yourself allows you to follow what you think is best, instead of going along with what everyone else wants. No one else can supply you with your own happiness. So my 2012 resolution is to be more selfish. I've lost bits of myself over the last 3 years focusing on getting pregnant and maintaining the perfect health. Pieces of me lost that allowed me to be healthy, allowed me to de-stress. Pieces that I need back. And whether or not I get pregnant, I can't keep planning on it happening. I need to live for myself. I need to make better choices when it comes to eating and make more of an effort to be active. I need to be selfish and not indulge in whatever my husband can eat. We have very different genes, mine being the fat, his being the "burn everything that enters". I need to put my needs first.
I challenge all of you to take time each day for yourself. There's a lot of moms I know that seem to forget to do that. Whether it's not finding the time to put on make-up, or shower every, or take 30 mins to read a book, go for a walk, or sip a glass of wine all alone. Whatever it is that makes you you, take time to do it. Be selfish. Start small, maybe just 10 mins a day to stretch, or learn a new yoga move. Your kids may drive you crazy, or your husband may keep asking about dinner. Tell them it's "me time", and use a small amount of your day to bask in the small things that make you special. It will help lower your stress levels and remind you of everything to be thankful for.
Being selfish isn't a bad thing, as long as it's not all the time. Find the happy balance so you can be a happier you.
I've also been called selfish. Which I'm proud to say I am. (Hear me out.) I think a lot of the time we confuse selfishness with just trying to be happy. Is there a difference between the two? I don't think so. For most of my life, I had gone along with what other people wanted. I never put up a fuss or stated what I was really thinking. My freshman year of college, attending a university where I knew no one, I started fresh. I began speaking up for myself and at times, I'm sure my friends would say I was brutally honest. It wasn't until I started a sorority my junior year of college and began having to be diplomatic that I realized there's a delicate tact to being honest. I remember being at a meeting and completely losing my temper. I just got to the point that I was so frustrated with trying to please someone else, or not hurt their feelings, that the honesty just boiled up and exploded. I immediately regretted it. It was from that day on that I vowed to myself to be honest, but kind.
So why is being selfish good, you're probably asking.....I think a better way to word it is "living for yourself". But seriously, they are the same thing. Living for yourself allows you to follow what you think is best, instead of going along with what everyone else wants. No one else can supply you with your own happiness. So my 2012 resolution is to be more selfish. I've lost bits of myself over the last 3 years focusing on getting pregnant and maintaining the perfect health. Pieces of me lost that allowed me to be healthy, allowed me to de-stress. Pieces that I need back. And whether or not I get pregnant, I can't keep planning on it happening. I need to live for myself. I need to make better choices when it comes to eating and make more of an effort to be active. I need to be selfish and not indulge in whatever my husband can eat. We have very different genes, mine being the fat, his being the "burn everything that enters". I need to put my needs first.
I challenge all of you to take time each day for yourself. There's a lot of moms I know that seem to forget to do that. Whether it's not finding the time to put on make-up, or shower every, or take 30 mins to read a book, go for a walk, or sip a glass of wine all alone. Whatever it is that makes you you, take time to do it. Be selfish. Start small, maybe just 10 mins a day to stretch, or learn a new yoga move. Your kids may drive you crazy, or your husband may keep asking about dinner. Tell them it's "me time", and use a small amount of your day to bask in the small things that make you special. It will help lower your stress levels and remind you of everything to be thankful for.
Being selfish isn't a bad thing, as long as it's not all the time. Find the happy balance so you can be a happier you.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Now what?
It's officially taken me 5 days to digest everything we discussed with Dr. C on Friday. (As I've stated recently, I always trust my gut. Thankfully Dr. C agrees with that statement.) After we received the blood results from Saturday, the day I started bleeding, we were afraid that I may have imagined the whole pregnancy thing. However, the blood work we had done in his office on Monday was >.5 and Saturday's was .5. That low amount usually indicates no pregnancy. But seeing as we had a positive home test on Thursday, he agreed I had a very early miscarriage, also referred to as a chemical pregnancy.
So, has knowing this changed anything? No. When he asked me what I thought happened before we had the blood results, there was no doubt in my mind that I was pregnant. I had two days of nausea, saw implantation bleeding, and you couldn't even look at my breasts without causing me shooting pain. But after three days, they were all gone. I still believe we got pregnant, then days later, for whatever reason, the embryo stopped growing. Dr. C is in agreement. We are unsure if I released a premature egg, or if one of the warped sperm found their way to the egg.
Now what? As recommended, we are taking the month off. I am spending this time to focus on me. As a wise woman informed me, I've lost a bit of myself the last few months. I am attempting to regain those pieces and remember who I am. Starting with working out. I'm probably going to regret saying this, but I've started training for a half marathon, (shhhhhh don't tell). I tend to go over board with things, it's usually all or nothing with me. So Saturday I started running again. I am hoping at the very least, come Spring, I'll be ready for a 5k, and then we'll take it from there.
As for hubby, the poor guy had his junk ultrasound today. He met with the urologist who insisted on a consult, seeing as it's been 1.5 years since we've seen him. He now has to redo a specimen and has a follow up on January 4th. At that time, the urologist will determine whether or not surgery is necessary to remove bilateral varicosele. By the time he gets in for surgery, most likely it will be February. I am still hoping and praying that in the meantime we will get our miracle. As for now, you may see me disappear for awhile, or become overwhelmed with food, fitness and sanity tips. My apologies in advance.
I will say one thing in closing: for the past 3 years we have been trying to have a child. This is the first real month where we will be avoiding getting pregnant. Knowing, seeing and charting my cycle won't allow for any slip ups (mostly because my Creighton Nurse said firmly yesterday to avoid this month, it's definitely not by choice.) I almost don't know what to do with myself. Oh yes, new obsession: train for 1/2 marathon.
So, has knowing this changed anything? No. When he asked me what I thought happened before we had the blood results, there was no doubt in my mind that I was pregnant. I had two days of nausea, saw implantation bleeding, and you couldn't even look at my breasts without causing me shooting pain. But after three days, they were all gone. I still believe we got pregnant, then days later, for whatever reason, the embryo stopped growing. Dr. C is in agreement. We are unsure if I released a premature egg, or if one of the warped sperm found their way to the egg.
Now what? As recommended, we are taking the month off. I am spending this time to focus on me. As a wise woman informed me, I've lost a bit of myself the last few months. I am attempting to regain those pieces and remember who I am. Starting with working out. I'm probably going to regret saying this, but I've started training for a half marathon, (shhhhhh don't tell). I tend to go over board with things, it's usually all or nothing with me. So Saturday I started running again. I am hoping at the very least, come Spring, I'll be ready for a 5k, and then we'll take it from there.
As for hubby, the poor guy had his junk ultrasound today. He met with the urologist who insisted on a consult, seeing as it's been 1.5 years since we've seen him. He now has to redo a specimen and has a follow up on January 4th. At that time, the urologist will determine whether or not surgery is necessary to remove bilateral varicosele. By the time he gets in for surgery, most likely it will be February. I am still hoping and praying that in the meantime we will get our miracle. As for now, you may see me disappear for awhile, or become overwhelmed with food, fitness and sanity tips. My apologies in advance.
I will say one thing in closing: for the past 3 years we have been trying to have a child. This is the first real month where we will be avoiding getting pregnant. Knowing, seeing and charting my cycle won't allow for any slip ups (mostly because my Creighton Nurse said firmly yesterday to avoid this month, it's definitely not by choice.) I almost don't know what to do with myself. Oh yes, new obsession: train for 1/2 marathon.
Monday, December 12, 2011
How to Survive the Holidays-Infertility Style
Let's be honest, it's hard enough miscarrying on any given day. The holidays make everything worse. Besides getting through the EDA, getting through the holidays are by far the next runner up. Here's my words of advice for all of you living through the same pain.
1. Eat. I'm not saying eat the entire Christmas dinner yourself. (Although if you're anything like me, you've thought about it.) Allow yourself to enjoy some Christmas desserts. After all, like my grandmother always says "Think about the people who passed up the chocolate cake on the Titanic." If you start to feel guilty, counter balance the sweets with some extra time at the gym. It will burn off the calories and help to clear your head. Trying mixing in a lot of vegetables, fruits and whole grains as well. Offer to bring a dish to the family party, something nutrient dense. It will help to keep your energy level up and mood happy.
2. Drink. Allowing yourself a drink (or two) at those awkward family gatherings, they will help to calm your nerves. However, don't over indulge. You don't want to be the blubbering idiot in the corner everyone feels bad for and avoids. You want to attempt to be the happy socialite surviving the pain, even if you're just pretending. When you need a moment, take it. Emotions come in waves and you just have to ride them out.
3. Avoid. That's right, avoid those who always seem to say the wrong thing. You have enough to worry about and bad memories filling your every thought, you do not need another one. Simply smile and say hello and then walk the other way. No need to be rude, but no need to cause yourself any more pain.
4. Be Merry. Yes I know, this will be the hardest one. How do you be happy when you have no baby bump, no "Babies 1st Christmas" ornament, no child sitting at the kids table? Remember you always have your spouse. If you can make it through infertility together, you can truly make it through anything. Through all the torture, my husband and I have managed to let this pull us even closer together. Don't let your sadness put a void between you two. Remember that infertility is no one's fault. It's discouraging, it can bring you to your darkest place. But when you're there, tell your spouse. Be open and honest with one another and find a way to be happy. (Happiness is a choice after all.)
5. Remember you are not alone. I am there with you in spirit. Quietly avoiding conversations about kids. Smiling when someone feels the need to remind you that you're still young. Biting your tongue when you hear "You should look into adopting" for the 1,000th time. I'm sitting beside you, holding your hand, reminding you that this is a battle we share.
6. Therapy. And if none of those seem to help, there's always Retail Therapy. Buy yourself a new outfit for the holidays, something flattering and makes you confident. Strut your baby-free figure and smile that you don't have any stretch marks hiding under that shirt. Hell, buy yourself a gorgeous Christmas bra and matching underwear set. Enjoy staying up all night together and sleeping-in in the morning. (Your husband will thank me.)
Just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you can't handle the company Christmas party, don't go. If the thought of sitting through the family dinner curdles your stomach, plan a last minute getaway and say Adios to the holidays. Your family and friends will understand. Taking care of yourself comes first, and I think a lot of the time we forget that. This holiday season, put yourself and your happiness first. I know I plan to.
1. Eat. I'm not saying eat the entire Christmas dinner yourself. (Although if you're anything like me, you've thought about it.) Allow yourself to enjoy some Christmas desserts. After all, like my grandmother always says "Think about the people who passed up the chocolate cake on the Titanic." If you start to feel guilty, counter balance the sweets with some extra time at the gym. It will burn off the calories and help to clear your head. Trying mixing in a lot of vegetables, fruits and whole grains as well. Offer to bring a dish to the family party, something nutrient dense. It will help to keep your energy level up and mood happy.
2. Drink. Allowing yourself a drink (or two) at those awkward family gatherings, they will help to calm your nerves. However, don't over indulge. You don't want to be the blubbering idiot in the corner everyone feels bad for and avoids. You want to attempt to be the happy socialite surviving the pain, even if you're just pretending. When you need a moment, take it. Emotions come in waves and you just have to ride them out.
3. Avoid. That's right, avoid those who always seem to say the wrong thing. You have enough to worry about and bad memories filling your every thought, you do not need another one. Simply smile and say hello and then walk the other way. No need to be rude, but no need to cause yourself any more pain.
4. Be Merry. Yes I know, this will be the hardest one. How do you be happy when you have no baby bump, no "Babies 1st Christmas" ornament, no child sitting at the kids table? Remember you always have your spouse. If you can make it through infertility together, you can truly make it through anything. Through all the torture, my husband and I have managed to let this pull us even closer together. Don't let your sadness put a void between you two. Remember that infertility is no one's fault. It's discouraging, it can bring you to your darkest place. But when you're there, tell your spouse. Be open and honest with one another and find a way to be happy. (Happiness is a choice after all.)
5. Remember you are not alone. I am there with you in spirit. Quietly avoiding conversations about kids. Smiling when someone feels the need to remind you that you're still young. Biting your tongue when you hear "You should look into adopting" for the 1,000th time. I'm sitting beside you, holding your hand, reminding you that this is a battle we share.
6. Therapy. And if none of those seem to help, there's always Retail Therapy. Buy yourself a new outfit for the holidays, something flattering and makes you confident. Strut your baby-free figure and smile that you don't have any stretch marks hiding under that shirt. Hell, buy yourself a gorgeous Christmas bra and matching underwear set. Enjoy staying up all night together and sleeping-in in the morning. (Your husband will thank me.)
Just remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you can't handle the company Christmas party, don't go. If the thought of sitting through the family dinner curdles your stomach, plan a last minute getaway and say Adios to the holidays. Your family and friends will understand. Taking care of yourself comes first, and I think a lot of the time we forget that. This holiday season, put yourself and your happiness first. I know I plan to.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
New Goals
Word to the wise: Do not under any circumstance, tell me that:
A. We are trying too hard.
B. We should just relax.
C. Look into adoption.
I don't want to hear it right now. I know you may think these are comforting words, or you may really believe one of these things, but they are not helping me. I realize my stress level right now is high, trust me, I KNOW.I will say that tequila is my new best friend. I fully intend to relax and try to enjoy the holidays. We've booked a long weekend for New Year's in the Berkshires, alone. (No offense to any of our friends.) But I want to be alone.
December 23rd marks the anniversary of our first miscarriage. Having just experienced our second, I plan to do my very best to make it through the holidays. I make no guarantees though. All I know is that theone two things getting me through this month is my husband and our long weekend. It was my hope to be pregnant this month, I thought it might lighten the blow of facing the 23rd. I know now that that isn't a possibility. Therefore I am making new goals. Things to keep me focused and keep my mind off of everything else. I hate resolutions, goals seem more attainable. And why wait for the new year, why not start now?
1. Work out 5 days a week. This year has packed on the pounds that I worked so hard to get off last year. So it's back to the gym, with a strong focus on nutrition. No longer eating to fill the void. Words of encouragement: Eat to live, don't live to eat. (Possibly hanging motivational photos on the fridge, and buying a scale to stay focused.)
2. Take a yoga class once a week. Nothing calms my nerves or helps relieve my stress like yoga. I figure once a week is an obtainable goal.
3. Run a 5k in the Spring. I've always wanted to be a runner. Having been blessed with ghetto ass and a substantial bosom, I never thought it was in my cards. However the week in Vermont re-instilled my desire to run. So look out world, you're going to see a lot of jiggling until things shrink or finally tighten back up.
4. Cook more. When I'm sad or depressed, like most people, I stop doing the things I love. Like cooking. Which has also contributed to the weight gain. So back to being Susie Homemaker it is.
5. Get pregnant by June. I've heard writing down your goals helps them to come true. After all, you don't know what you're striving for until you've faced them/written them down.
6. Continue looking into adoption. Even if we don't move forward right away, I want to begin the process. (Shhh.....don't tell hubby.) No, I'm just kidding. This is obviously a big discussion that I plan to have with him. In no way does this mean we are not going to continue trying on our own. But we won't be meeting with Dr. C until January to discuss what to do next. And in the rare circumstance that we discover any more bad news, I want to have all of our options on the table.
7. Be more creative. What can I say, I was a textiles major and art has always been a huge part of my life. I recently discovered a local shop offering classes and happened to pick up a steal on Goupon. Also looking to relearn how to knit. Anyone want to help with that?
8. Be happy. Happiness is a choice after all. There will always tragedy, suffering, pain, sadness. But you have the choice to bask in it, learn from it, or look past it. I will not let life get the best of me. I chose to be happy. (I'll just have to keep reminding myself of this.)
A. We are trying too hard.
B. We should just relax.
C. Look into adoption.
I don't want to hear it right now. I know you may think these are comforting words, or you may really believe one of these things, but they are not helping me. I realize my stress level right now is high, trust me, I KNOW.
December 23rd marks the anniversary of our first miscarriage. Having just experienced our second, I plan to do my very best to make it through the holidays. I make no guarantees though. All I know is that the
New Goals
1. Work out 5 days a week. This year has packed on the pounds that I worked so hard to get off last year. So it's back to the gym, with a strong focus on nutrition. No longer eating to fill the void. Words of encouragement: Eat to live, don't live to eat. (Possibly hanging motivational photos on the fridge, and buying a scale to stay focused.)
2. Take a yoga class once a week. Nothing calms my nerves or helps relieve my stress like yoga. I figure once a week is an obtainable goal.
3. Run a 5k in the Spring. I've always wanted to be a runner. Having been blessed with ghetto ass and a substantial bosom, I never thought it was in my cards. However the week in Vermont re-instilled my desire to run. So look out world, you're going to see a lot of jiggling until things shrink or finally tighten back up.
4. Cook more. When I'm sad or depressed, like most people, I stop doing the things I love. Like cooking. Which has also contributed to the weight gain. So back to being Susie Homemaker it is.
5. Get pregnant by June. I've heard writing down your goals helps them to come true. After all, you don't know what you're striving for until you've faced them/written them down.
6. Continue looking into adoption. Even if we don't move forward right away, I want to begin the process. (Shhh.....don't tell hubby.) No, I'm just kidding. This is obviously a big discussion that I plan to have with him. In no way does this mean we are not going to continue trying on our own. But we won't be meeting with Dr. C until January to discuss what to do next. And in the rare circumstance that we discover any more bad news, I want to have all of our options on the table.
7. Be more creative. What can I say, I was a textiles major and art has always been a huge part of my life. I recently discovered a local shop offering classes and happened to pick up a steal on Goupon. Also looking to relearn how to knit. Anyone want to help with that?
8. Be happy. Happiness is a choice after all. There will always tragedy, suffering, pain, sadness. But you have the choice to bask in it, learn from it, or look past it. I will not let life get the best of me. I chose to be happy. (I'll just have to keep reminding myself of this.)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I know.
Sometimes you just know. I know I was pregnant. I knew early. Every sign was there along with that first line that appeared on Thursday, confirming what my gut was saying all along.
I know now, that I am no longer pregnant.
And now the waiting begins. Waiting for the awful cramps and endless bleeding that comes along with miscarriage. Waiting for my body to regain it's normal cycle. Waiting until we can try again.
But there's hope.
Hope that after 2 years and 11 months of trying, we finally can conceive on our own.
Hope that 2012 will bring us what we've wanted for so long.
Hope that my body can carry a pregnancy to full term.
Hope that one day, we will be parents.
Hope that no matter what, we remain positive.
Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. I truly felt as though I could feel them, and still do. There's an aura around me of love today, and for that, I am ever grateful.
I know now, that I am no longer pregnant.
And now the waiting begins. Waiting for the awful cramps and endless bleeding that comes along with miscarriage. Waiting for my body to regain it's normal cycle. Waiting until we can try again.
But there's hope.
Hope that after 2 years and 11 months of trying, we finally can conceive on our own.
Hope that 2012 will bring us what we've wanted for so long.
Hope that my body can carry a pregnancy to full term.
Hope that one day, we will be parents.
Hope that no matter what, we remain positive.
Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. I truly felt as though I could feel them, and still do. There's an aura around me of love today, and for that, I am ever grateful.
Today I pray for another soul lost too early.
I pray that they felt our love the moment they were conceived.
I pray that I can remain strong.
I pray for all of you walking similar paths.
Know you are not alone.
Monday, December 5, 2011
What is my gut saying?
So you have all been very patient. More patient than me. First, my apologies for keeping you in the dark. I have my reasons, and I hope you can all understand once I explain. It's a long story, so here goes.....
Thursday, 17 days post peak, still no period. So I peed on a stick, or two, or three...light line. I've had that so many times I tried not to get too excited. Dr. C told me to call his off on day 17 post peak if I didn't have my period whether I saw a line or not. I called at 8am. By the afternoon, I still hadn't heard, so I called back around 3:30. Told the message is on his desk. No phone call that night. That night, after I peed on a stick, I showed my husband the test. His first response: "Holy shit! You aren't crazy!" Mostly because I'd been saying all week that I thought I was pregnant, and he worries that I read too much into things.
Friday, 18 days post peak, still no period. Peed on a few more sticks. Light line. Keep in mind, my first pregnancy I never saw a dark line. My Hcg Levels were slow to climb to the point I didn't really see a line until day 19 or 20. I called Dr. C's office at 8am again, he's off today. Awesome. Thankfully his nurse practitioner was in and I was told she'd phone back. No call, so at 2pm letting anxiety take over, I phoned again. Told once again, the message is on her desk now, and she will phone around 4pm. 5 mins later, the receptionist phoned back and ordered lab work. I got out of work too late, so figured I'd go Saturday morning.
Saturday, 19 days post peak, still no period. (You may want to stop reading if you can't handle details.) So hubby and I had waited to have sex for a while after ovulation, I was afraid to disturb the area knowing it was already irritated. After, I started bleeding. Then came the cramps and some back pain. Afraid of another miscarriage, I phoned Dr. C's answering service. 2 mins later, Dr. C phoned me back. I explained what had happened. His first concern was that maybe my cervix was irritated and to relax, have bloodwork done, and be positive. There was also the fear of miscarriage discussed. I took a couple more tests that day, still a light line. The cramps continued for about an hour along with the back pain. After that they faded out for the most part. The bleeding wasn't heavy, didn't feel like clots. I tried to stay positive, knowing I would have answers on Monday.
Sunday, 20 days post peak, still spotting. Although it was light, it was still there. Still no clots, which made me feel a bit better. It's now become a mix of bright red blood, brown, and clear cervical mucus. Not heavy, but not super light either. In my mind, at this point, I was feeling like it was a miscarriage. My gut had been telling me for the past week that I was pregnant. I had a few days of nausea, super tender breasts, and some constant daily headaches. They started to fade mid last week, except for the headaches. At this point I'm very confused and starting to believe, and brace myself for another miscarriage.
Monday, 21 days post peak, still spotting, but much lighter. I phoned Dr. C's office as directed. I was able to get an early morning appointment and headed in alone. (Hubby had some meetings today.) I get to his office and in about 20 mins brought into a patient room. I then have to explain to the nurse that I'm there because I don't know if I'm miscarrying or not. Dr. C came in shortly after. Explained everything to him. He did a quick external exam, just pressing on my abdomen and lower abdomen. No pain, he seemed pleased. He continued to explain that the bleeding could be caused by the disturbance on Saturday. If I'm pregnant, my uterus will be flooded with blood and very sensitive. The blood, seeing as it's bright red and brown, that it could be a lower leak from my cervix, and some of the blood may have been trapped, but now being released.
So here I am, thinking he's going to tell me I'm miscarrying, and here he is, being super positive and scheduling a follow up appointment, Hcg level bloodwork again, and an ultrasound. I'm sorry, what? So you don't think I'm miscarrying? He was really positive and hopeful that this pregnancy may still be happening. He excused himself at that point to get my blood results from Saturday. As luck would have it, the lab messed up and only took my progesterone level, not my Hcg. At this point, I'm laughing. Seriously, how many other things can go wrong right now?! The lab however, still has my blood and thinks they can pull the Hcg, but we won't get results for at least another day. So then Dr. C's office does an Hcg test today as well, to be able to compare the two levels. I have taken another home test, where the line appears and then fades once it dries. My emotions are truly split down the middle, half of me believes I am still pregnant while the other half is telling me it's a miscarriage.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I should have answers. Tomorrow we should know what is actually happening in my body right now. I'm scared, I've cried numerous times and hid inside all weekend. This is the difficult part of blogging, the part that frightens me the most. I'm tearing up as I type because I don't know what's happening. I don't know if I am pregnant, I don't know if I am miscarrying. All I know is that we need alot of prayers right now. We need positive thoughts and energy. I ask that you all continue to be thinking of us and praying for us. I know that your support has helped us get to where we are today. And no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, we are happy with knowing we were able to conceive on our own, something we did not think was possible.
Thursday, 17 days post peak, still no period. So I peed on a stick, or two, or three...light line. I've had that so many times I tried not to get too excited. Dr. C told me to call his off on day 17 post peak if I didn't have my period whether I saw a line or not. I called at 8am. By the afternoon, I still hadn't heard, so I called back around 3:30. Told the message is on his desk. No phone call that night. That night, after I peed on a stick, I showed my husband the test. His first response: "Holy shit! You aren't crazy!" Mostly because I'd been saying all week that I thought I was pregnant, and he worries that I read too much into things.
Friday, 18 days post peak, still no period. Peed on a few more sticks. Light line. Keep in mind, my first pregnancy I never saw a dark line. My Hcg Levels were slow to climb to the point I didn't really see a line until day 19 or 20. I called Dr. C's office at 8am again, he's off today. Awesome. Thankfully his nurse practitioner was in and I was told she'd phone back. No call, so at 2pm letting anxiety take over, I phoned again. Told once again, the message is on her desk now, and she will phone around 4pm. 5 mins later, the receptionist phoned back and ordered lab work. I got out of work too late, so figured I'd go Saturday morning.
Saturday, 19 days post peak, still no period. (You may want to stop reading if you can't handle details.) So hubby and I had waited to have sex for a while after ovulation, I was afraid to disturb the area knowing it was already irritated. After, I started bleeding. Then came the cramps and some back pain. Afraid of another miscarriage, I phoned Dr. C's answering service. 2 mins later, Dr. C phoned me back. I explained what had happened. His first concern was that maybe my cervix was irritated and to relax, have bloodwork done, and be positive. There was also the fear of miscarriage discussed. I took a couple more tests that day, still a light line. The cramps continued for about an hour along with the back pain. After that they faded out for the most part. The bleeding wasn't heavy, didn't feel like clots. I tried to stay positive, knowing I would have answers on Monday.
Sunday, 20 days post peak, still spotting. Although it was light, it was still there. Still no clots, which made me feel a bit better. It's now become a mix of bright red blood, brown, and clear cervical mucus. Not heavy, but not super light either. In my mind, at this point, I was feeling like it was a miscarriage. My gut had been telling me for the past week that I was pregnant. I had a few days of nausea, super tender breasts, and some constant daily headaches. They started to fade mid last week, except for the headaches. At this point I'm very confused and starting to believe, and brace myself for another miscarriage.
Monday, 21 days post peak, still spotting, but much lighter. I phoned Dr. C's office as directed. I was able to get an early morning appointment and headed in alone. (Hubby had some meetings today.) I get to his office and in about 20 mins brought into a patient room. I then have to explain to the nurse that I'm there because I don't know if I'm miscarrying or not. Dr. C came in shortly after. Explained everything to him. He did a quick external exam, just pressing on my abdomen and lower abdomen. No pain, he seemed pleased. He continued to explain that the bleeding could be caused by the disturbance on Saturday. If I'm pregnant, my uterus will be flooded with blood and very sensitive. The blood, seeing as it's bright red and brown, that it could be a lower leak from my cervix, and some of the blood may have been trapped, but now being released.
So here I am, thinking he's going to tell me I'm miscarrying, and here he is, being super positive and scheduling a follow up appointment, Hcg level bloodwork again, and an ultrasound. I'm sorry, what? So you don't think I'm miscarrying? He was really positive and hopeful that this pregnancy may still be happening. He excused himself at that point to get my blood results from Saturday. As luck would have it, the lab messed up and only took my progesterone level, not my Hcg. At this point, I'm laughing. Seriously, how many other things can go wrong right now?! The lab however, still has my blood and thinks they can pull the Hcg, but we won't get results for at least another day. So then Dr. C's office does an Hcg test today as well, to be able to compare the two levels. I have taken another home test, where the line appears and then fades once it dries. My emotions are truly split down the middle, half of me believes I am still pregnant while the other half is telling me it's a miscarriage.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I should have answers. Tomorrow we should know what is actually happening in my body right now. I'm scared, I've cried numerous times and hid inside all weekend. This is the difficult part of blogging, the part that frightens me the most. I'm tearing up as I type because I don't know what's happening. I don't know if I am pregnant, I don't know if I am miscarrying. All I know is that we need alot of prayers right now. We need positive thoughts and energy. I ask that you all continue to be thinking of us and praying for us. I know that your support has helped us get to where we are today. And no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, we are happy with knowing we were able to conceive on our own, something we did not think was possible.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Trust Your Gut
I know you're all waiting for a big announcement, that I really wish I could give you. I do however want to take this day to announce:
I joined Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope recently and shared our story. You can read it here if you haven't already. I've been keeping up with the daily posts and there is always a consistent lack of follow through or better yet CARE, by the doctors. And many women say the same thing "I knew something was wrong." So why doesn't your doctor listen to you? Why aren't you being adamant on being seen?
There's something I've learned from my experience, always trust your gut. Know your body, know your instincts. Don't listen to the doctor when they say bleeding is normal during pregnancy. Yes, some bleeding is, but more cases than not, it's a warning sign. Having pregnancy symptoms one day, and the next they've disappeared is a sign. Demand to be seen. I don't care how crazy you sound or feel, if you have a concern, voice it. You are your only advocate.
One of the reasons I love Dr. C is because he actually cares. My cousin who referred me to him, shared that when she discovered she was finally pregnant, Dr. C wanted to see her that day. Not because he was concerned of any issues, he wanted to do everything in his power to let that life breath the air we breath, have a future. Does your doctor care that much? If he or she doesn't, find a new one! Find someone that understands your concerns and addresses them quickly. It may be the difference between loss and life.
For those of you concerned about seeing a religious doctor/practice, don't be. I had the same concerns and reservations. If you're struggling to conceive, find a NaPro doctor in your area. In no way do they push their beliefs on you. They are well educated, beyond the normal OB, to assist with fertility. Their goal is to help you get pregnant, and stay pregnant. Is that your fertility doctors main focus? Or are they just focused on the getting pregnant part? I know the difference now and would never trust pregnancy with anyone else. In 7 months, this man has given us the one thing we lost: HOPE. He found numerous underlying issues that IVF never looked at or even thought of.
Have you experienced recurrent miscarriage? Having you been trying for months with no results? Is your gut telling you something is wrong? Take control of your fertility, and contact a NaPro doctor. It was the best thing I ever did.
TRUST YOUR GUT!
I joined Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope recently and shared our story. You can read it here if you haven't already. I've been keeping up with the daily posts and there is always a consistent lack of follow through or better yet CARE, by the doctors. And many women say the same thing "I knew something was wrong." So why doesn't your doctor listen to you? Why aren't you being adamant on being seen?
There's something I've learned from my experience, always trust your gut. Know your body, know your instincts. Don't listen to the doctor when they say bleeding is normal during pregnancy. Yes, some bleeding is, but more cases than not, it's a warning sign. Having pregnancy symptoms one day, and the next they've disappeared is a sign. Demand to be seen. I don't care how crazy you sound or feel, if you have a concern, voice it. You are your only advocate.
For those of you concerned about seeing a religious doctor/practice, don't be. I had the same concerns and reservations. If you're struggling to conceive, find a NaPro doctor in your area. In no way do they push their beliefs on you. They are well educated, beyond the normal OB, to assist with fertility. Their goal is to help you get pregnant, and stay pregnant. Is that your fertility doctors main focus? Or are they just focused on the getting pregnant part? I know the difference now and would never trust pregnancy with anyone else. In 7 months, this man has given us the one thing we lost: HOPE. He found numerous underlying issues that IVF never looked at or even thought of.
Need to find a doctor in your area? Click here
And don't hesitate to email me questions, I'm happy to answer any and all.
celiamfournier@gmail.com
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sooooo.....
Are you all in suspense?
So am I.....
Still no definite answers yet.
Waiting......
Waiting....
Waiting.......
(Is anyone even reading this?)
So am I.....
Still no definite answers yet.
Waiting......
Waiting....
Waiting.......
(Is anyone even reading this?)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Inner Struggle
Still no period.
Don't think about it.
Am I pregnant?
No, you're getting your period.
I would have had it by now.
Maybe my bodies finally regulated, and this is my new schedule.
Or maybe you're pregnant.
I wouldn't have all this mucus if I was pregnant.
Would you?
I don't know.
Another barely there line. Awesome.
There's no line, you're seeing things.
Maybe it will be darker tomorrow.
Or maybe you're just getting your period.
Then why am I not cramping?
Because you're pregnant.
Shut up.
Why isn't this mucus becoming spotting?
Because you're pregnant.
There's no way I'm pregnant, this is nothing like last time.
Every pregnancy is different.
So is every period.
Why won't the line just show up?
Why won't my period just show up?
What the hell is happening?
You're pregnant.
You're getting your period.
Will the both of you please shut the fuck up?!
Don't think about it.
Am I pregnant?
No, you're getting your period.
I would have had it by now.
Maybe my bodies finally regulated, and this is my new schedule.
Or maybe you're pregnant.
I wouldn't have all this mucus if I was pregnant.
Would you?
I don't know.
Another barely there line. Awesome.
There's no line, you're seeing things.
Maybe it will be darker tomorrow.
Or maybe you're just getting your period.
Then why am I not cramping?
Because you're pregnant.
Shut up.
Why isn't this mucus becoming spotting?
Because you're pregnant.
There's no way I'm pregnant, this is nothing like last time.
Every pregnancy is different.
So is every period.
Why won't the line just show up?
Why won't my period just show up?
What the hell is happening?
You're pregnant.
You're getting your period.
Will the both of you please shut the fuck up?!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Head vs. Heart
I had a great outlook on the holiday. I love Thanksgiving, I love seeing family, I love to eat and I love to cook, so all seemed well. Wednesday evening I took some very needed "me" time and ditched my husband after work for the gym, and Marshall (the store, not another man). Spent a fabulous 2 hours shopping and left with only a couple items. (Not like me at all.) Headed right to Hannafords before they closed and picked up my last minute ingredients. Made it home around 9pm and started cooking. 2 hours and 2 Felicity episodes later, I finally fell onto the sofa with a glass of water. (Not wine, which I really wanted. Because that's what you do when you're trying to conceive. You fight the urge to cook with wine.) Hubby soon returned home and we crawled into bed.
Thursday morning we lounged around until it was time to head out. On the way to drop off my egg less quiche and dessert at the in-laws, I read my husband the best post by another blogger. Got half way through before the tears began streaming down. (Reading someone else's thoughts on infertility and the holidays makes me do that.) Click here toread cry. Although my mind was not flooded with thoughts of babies and why I wasn't toting around a 4 month old, I still felt empty. And that's really the best way to describe it. That small part always missing and making you feel less than whole.
We arrived at my parents and enjoyed an amazing meal my mother always puts together. Complete with my nephews all removing their shirts to eat, then destroying the living room when left alone for 5 mins.
But still, there was this emotional nagging on my heart. My Mom, was standing in the kitchen with me, when my Dad walked by and mentioned it had been 8 months since the passing of my grandmother, his mother. My Mom gave me "that" hug, you know the one where you let every guard down and let her wrap her love around you. And that's when it happened. I began sobbing. Because how long can I really keep it together. My sisters quickly came to my side, not needing to say anything, because we all just knew. And there, in the kitchen, we cried. For what was missing, for what had been lost, for the sadness that comes along with a year gone by.
The rest of the day was held together by lots of desserts. At some point I started to feel nauseous, and really tired. So I excused myself and went upstairs to curl up on my in laws sofa. Took a mini nap and later headed home. Friday and more nausea, followed by super tender breasts, and another nap. My head was telling me "You're pregnant!" while my heart kept shouting "Shut the fuck up!". It's difficult at this point to not read into every bodily function or abnormality I experience. Like always, I took a home test. Negative. But it's early, I told myself, be patient.
And the next day was followed by another test. Saturday I had my 10 year high school reunion, so obviously I needed to know if I could drink. Extremely faint line. (Don't get excited. I get those all the time.) I tried to keep my emotions at bay, but my head just kept screaming at me. I even had a dream that I was pregnant with a baby girl, even saw myself at about 5 months pregnant with her. Reunion went well, great to see so many old faces. All in all, a wonderful evening. Milked one glass of wine over 3 hours, and managed to spill a decent amount while giving hugs.
Sunday I woke up not feeling pregnant. No nausea. No cramps. Most tenderness gone. No line. I did however wake to a very little amount of bright red blood mixed with mucus, and one little spot of dry blood. Odd, some what resembles the last time I was pregnant, the implantation process. The mucus continued throughout the day along side some brown blood. (Brown blood is usually old blood, while the bright red is considered new blood.) So that the hell is happening? I have no idea. All I know is that the mucus and brown have continued into Monday and today, along with another negative test and another super faint line. My guess: good ole Aunt Flo is on her way. But a small part of me is still hoping, while my heart continues to yell "Shut the fuck up!"
And of course, as luck would have it, my husband's urologist is on vacation all week. Waiting until next Monday to discuss scheduling his surgery. Still hoping this is our month, but knowing deep down, it probably isn't.
Thursday morning we lounged around until it was time to head out. On the way to drop off my egg less quiche and dessert at the in-laws, I read my husband the best post by another blogger. Got half way through before the tears began streaming down. (Reading someone else's thoughts on infertility and the holidays makes me do that.) Click here to
We arrived at my parents and enjoyed an amazing meal my mother always puts together. Complete with my nephews all removing their shirts to eat, then destroying the living room when left alone for 5 mins.
But still, there was this emotional nagging on my heart. My Mom, was standing in the kitchen with me, when my Dad walked by and mentioned it had been 8 months since the passing of my grandmother, his mother. My Mom gave me "that" hug, you know the one where you let every guard down and let her wrap her love around you. And that's when it happened. I began sobbing. Because how long can I really keep it together. My sisters quickly came to my side, not needing to say anything, because we all just knew. And there, in the kitchen, we cried. For what was missing, for what had been lost, for the sadness that comes along with a year gone by.
The rest of the day was held together by lots of desserts. At some point I started to feel nauseous, and really tired. So I excused myself and went upstairs to curl up on my in laws sofa. Took a mini nap and later headed home. Friday and more nausea, followed by super tender breasts, and another nap. My head was telling me "You're pregnant!" while my heart kept shouting "Shut the fuck up!". It's difficult at this point to not read into every bodily function or abnormality I experience. Like always, I took a home test. Negative. But it's early, I told myself, be patient.
And the next day was followed by another test. Saturday I had my 10 year high school reunion, so obviously I needed to know if I could drink. Extremely faint line. (Don't get excited. I get those all the time.) I tried to keep my emotions at bay, but my head just kept screaming at me. I even had a dream that I was pregnant with a baby girl, even saw myself at about 5 months pregnant with her. Reunion went well, great to see so many old faces. All in all, a wonderful evening. Milked one glass of wine over 3 hours, and managed to spill a decent amount while giving hugs.
Sunday I woke up not feeling pregnant. No nausea. No cramps. Most tenderness gone. No line. I did however wake to a very little amount of bright red blood mixed with mucus, and one little spot of dry blood. Odd, some what resembles the last time I was pregnant, the implantation process. The mucus continued throughout the day along side some brown blood. (Brown blood is usually old blood, while the bright red is considered new blood.) So that the hell is happening? I have no idea. All I know is that the mucus and brown have continued into Monday and today, along with another negative test and another super faint line. My guess: good ole Aunt Flo is on her way. But a small part of me is still hoping, while my heart continues to yell "Shut the fuck up!"
And of course, as luck would have it, my husband's urologist is on vacation all week. Waiting until next Monday to discuss scheduling his surgery. Still hoping this is our month, but knowing deep down, it probably isn't.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Discouraged to Encouraged
Having taken a week off prior to Thanksgiving, my boss was not too thrilled that I needed to leave early for yet another doctors appointment during a 3 day work week. However he thankfully knows our circumstances, and has been very understanding. So we scooted out of work at 2:30 and drove to Dr. C's office.
I've been losing all kinds of hope lately. Having charted my cycle for now the 7th month, tried 3 months of letrozole, surgery, blah, blah, blah, I have not been Ms. Positive. I've wanted to quit, I've wanted to try IVF again, I've wanted to adopt. I've wanted just about everything. So when we finally met with Dr. C, I know he could see how discouraged we were, especially me. He however, was more positive this time than ever before. He reviewed my charting and blurted out "This is wonderful! Look at this change!" What? Are you serious? This looks wonderful to you? I've had random mucus every month, how is that wonderful?!
But he was right. This was the first month we can actually look at as a positive month to try. Each month prior, my body wasn't ready. It has taken 4 months or healing from surgery, regulating my thyroid, upping my immune system and letting my body finally have a real cycle. Previously I only had 1 dry day after menstruation and about 4-5 days of spotting brown. (TMI?) All gone! I had a normal 4 day flow, followed by 4 dry days, and 4 days of great peak type mucus. (We even tried a suggested position a couple times. Now that's TMI.) So this is really month 1 of trying. And I'm sure I'm going to regret mentioning this, but I've had cramping consistently for 8 days. Dr. C first did not say anything about that, but towards the end of the appointment he said "Well you have had cramping, which could mean things are already happening." I'm still not so sure that's the case. But we'll sure find out. He also said to wait 17 days post peak to test. He obviously doesn't know I pee on a stick every morning.
This may get too detailed for some of you, so you may want to end it here.
So back to the mucus issue, that I was all concerned about, but Dr. C was not. Apparently my cervix has slightly curls open to the point that it has exposed some tissue. That tissue does not like the hostility that is acidic vaginal mucus. In order to protect itself, it creates more peak mucus (which comes from the cervix to help settle things down and bring down the inflammation. And because the cervix has opened slightly, it traps some mucus which may finally retreat several days later. (Hence the random peak mucus I've been seeing.) Sooooo....apparently all is well in the land of my vagina.
The good news:
-No more naltrexone, possibly only one more month of letrozole, possibly only a couple more months of thyroid meds.
-After regulating my system, NaPro has proven pregnancies occurring within 12 months.
-There is a strong chance we'll conceive naturally now that things are looking better.
The bad news:
-Hubby has been told he should schedule surgery. We've done pretty much everything we can to improve me. Now it's time to have Hubby do everything he can.
-Hubby also needs to start taking ProXeed. (Good bye spending money.) A 3 months supply is $356. Sperm takes 3 months for the body to create. So no matter what we're looking at, atleast 3-6 months of using it.
The hope is that starting the ProXeed asap, and having the surgery asap, will give us a double boost in production 3 months down the road.
The real hope is I'm already pregnant. (Which I still strongly feel like is not the case.)
I've been losing all kinds of hope lately. Having charted my cycle for now the 7th month, tried 3 months of letrozole, surgery, blah, blah, blah, I have not been Ms. Positive. I've wanted to quit, I've wanted to try IVF again, I've wanted to adopt. I've wanted just about everything. So when we finally met with Dr. C, I know he could see how discouraged we were, especially me. He however, was more positive this time than ever before. He reviewed my charting and blurted out "This is wonderful! Look at this change!" What? Are you serious? This looks wonderful to you? I've had random mucus every month, how is that wonderful?!
But he was right. This was the first month we can actually look at as a positive month to try. Each month prior, my body wasn't ready. It has taken 4 months or healing from surgery, regulating my thyroid, upping my immune system and letting my body finally have a real cycle. Previously I only had 1 dry day after menstruation and about 4-5 days of spotting brown. (TMI?) All gone! I had a normal 4 day flow, followed by 4 dry days, and 4 days of great peak type mucus. (We even tried a suggested position a couple times. Now that's TMI.) So this is really month 1 of trying. And I'm sure I'm going to regret mentioning this, but I've had cramping consistently for 8 days. Dr. C first did not say anything about that, but towards the end of the appointment he said "Well you have had cramping, which could mean things are already happening." I'm still not so sure that's the case. But we'll sure find out. He also said to wait 17 days post peak to test. He obviously doesn't know I pee on a stick every morning.
This may get too detailed for some of you, so you may want to end it here.
So back to the mucus issue, that I was all concerned about, but Dr. C was not. Apparently my cervix has slightly curls open to the point that it has exposed some tissue. That tissue does not like the hostility that is acidic vaginal mucus. In order to protect itself, it creates more peak mucus (which comes from the cervix to help settle things down and bring down the inflammation. And because the cervix has opened slightly, it traps some mucus which may finally retreat several days later. (Hence the random peak mucus I've been seeing.) Sooooo....apparently all is well in the land of my vagina.
The good news:
-No more naltrexone, possibly only one more month of letrozole, possibly only a couple more months of thyroid meds.
-After regulating my system, NaPro has proven pregnancies occurring within 12 months.
-There is a strong chance we'll conceive naturally now that things are looking better.
The bad news:
-Hubby has been told he should schedule surgery. We've done pretty much everything we can to improve me. Now it's time to have Hubby do everything he can.
-Hubby also needs to start taking ProXeed. (Good bye spending money.) A 3 months supply is $356. Sperm takes 3 months for the body to create. So no matter what we're looking at, atleast 3-6 months of using it.
The hope is that starting the ProXeed asap, and having the surgery asap, will give us a double boost in production 3 months down the road.
The real hope is I'm already pregnant. (Which I still strongly feel like is not the case.)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Truly Relaxing Vacation
I abandoned you all for a week long getaway in Vermont. My apologies. Actually I'm not sorry one bit. It had been 9 months since our last week off together, and it was very much needed. Surprisingly, it was oddly warm for November in Vermont. The weather held at the low 50's most of the week with a drop in temps Friday that brought on a beautiful snow shower. Just enough to melt by morning. Thank heavens since we failed to put the snow tires on before we left.
So what did I do all week?
So what did I do all week?
We hiked through the Trapp family's property, back up to the chapel in the woods.
We ate out a lot.
We took a drive through Smuggler's Notch, the most narrowest road, if you can even call it that.
And then we hiked some more.
We met a ladybug I named Andrew. Found him in the kitchen, put him outside.
The next day hubby found him crawling around on the rug.
And we successfully completed a mindless puzzle.
All in all, it was an uneventful week and by far one of the best all year. I was able to focus on my health and tried to reclaim my mental stability. I planned to practice yoga every morning, which turned into one class and a couple private sessions instructing me, hubby, and his parents. Amazingly, I started running again. I am not a runner. I've always wanted to be a runner, but never thought I was capable. After two days I was up to 3 miles in 30 mins which I plan to continue starting tonight. Followed up the workouts by lounging in the sauna and hot tub. Even managed to complete some laps with hubby in the pool.
Hubby and I have had several discussions on what to do next. We have an appointment with Dr. C tomorrow afternoon to meet and discuss progress lack of progress thus far. We plan on sharing these decisions with Dr. C. I have prayed and prayed that this month would be the month. And to be honest, I thought it might be. But I'm convinced I have an ovarian cyst again that began last month and possibly stuck around until now. Otherwise, I may be sprouting them each month with the drop in estrogen caused by the Letrozole. Whatever it may be, I'm fairly convinced conceiving naturally just might not be in our cards.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
A good way to break your heart
In my darkest of moments, losing faith that we'll be able to conceive naturally, I've been researching adoption. A LOT. I've always had in the back of my mind the thought that one day I would adopt a child. I guess it started during my high school internship. I was working at an elementary/middle school assisting the art teacher (who happened to be my aunt). There were the most adorable two brothers, excellent students, infectious smiles and from a troubled home. My first thought was "If I was old enough, I would adopt them." From that day on, I've known I've wanted to adopt. It is by far the best thing you can do, open your home to a child in need. The past few years have been trying. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm in need of answers. Answers that I don't think I'll ever get.
In my research, I've discover several things. Adoption is expensive! More expensive than IVF, sad to say. There are kids in need of homes, yet it costs less money to have science help you create one?! Seriously. That's just wrong. What isn't expensive is Foster Adopt. There's a network in Massachusetts called MARE (Mass. Adoption Resource Exchange, Inc.). They assist and list children who are legally free for adoption from the foster care system. Because foster care is run by the state, they cover the cost for in home studies, and most other fees associated with adoption. (Don't quote me on that, but what I've found seems to state so.) Adoption can cost anywhere from $30k to $50k for an infant domestic or international. Who can afford that? (IVF cost me $1k, and that's only because I live in MA and have a $1k deductible.) Foster Adopt may only cost you legal fees, so depending on your lawyer, it may only be their fees ($2k to $5k).
The thought that keeps nagging at my head is why don't people adopt? I can't answer this question. And if you can't either, take a look at the beautiful faces in need of homes in MA by clicking here. They will break your heart with their loving smiles and simple requests.
The thought that keeps nagging at my head is why don't people adopt? I can't answer this question. And if you can't either, take a look at the beautiful faces in need of homes in MA by clicking here. They will break your heart with their loving smiles and simple requests.
How can you not love that face?
Every child deserves a good and loving home. Don't you agree?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
So long Naltrexone
So I'm not sure if the Low Dose Naltrexone thought it would be a good idea to start preparing me for an infant (no, I'm not pregnant) or this is just some sick joke. But for the past 4 nights, I have woken wide-eyed at 2am, and 4 am, and 6am..... I figured Friday night was from Hubby being away, which I usually don't sleep well when he's not beside me. Sat was ok and the time change definitely helped a bit, but Sunday and Monday night were awful. I woke up last night at 2am and could not fall back to sleep. Makes sense though. The Naltrexone stops production of endorphins for several hours, then kicks them back up about 4 hours later. Going to bed at 11, waking up at 2, see where I'm going with this?
So tonight, it's so long Naltrexone. I'm guessing this is happening now because my system has finally started working properly. And if that's the case, the pause in endorphin making has probably helped me sleep, but the ramping up of them in the middle of the night, has now become over load. Dr. C said it would be about 6 months before I saw any improvement. Although it has been around 5, I'm taking this as a sign it's time to stop. Crossing my fingers that this is the answer and I can finally get some sleep tonight.
On a side note, we leave Saturday for a week up in Stowe, VT. Yes, this will be our third trip up to Trapp Family Lodge in 14 months. (Got to love parents with a timeshare.) Our first time was a week for our anniversary last year. September/October in VT is heaven.
This month, we are yet again, trying the Letrozole. Menstral flow was a little better this month, and the past 3 days have been dry. (Have yet to have that happen, it's a good thing.) I'm hoping this means my egg won't ovulate prematurely. I have this gut wrenching feeling lately that my left ovary, the mischievous one, has only been creating cysts, and not releasing an egg. This month I believe is the right ovaries turn. Praying things go well and we have some luck. And being away during the week of that happening can only help.
So please say a prayer, cross your fingers, toes and anything else you can. This is the last month before we move on to other means. And I'm really hoping we don't have to. Vermont brought us luck last time. Maybe it will again.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Things you should never say
I've wanted to post these for a long time. However, I've held back knowing that it will probably insult some people that are the culprits. Please don't take offense, learn from your mistakes. :)
Most of the time, people just don't know what to say to you when they hear you're infertile or seeking infertility assistance. Although most people have been, and continue to be, very kind and sensitive (especially when I was hopped up on hormones, which I thank each and every one of you), there's always that one person who trips up over their own words, or really has no clue what to say and what not to say.
So for those of you who wonder what you really shouldn't say, here's my list of favorites that have actually been said to me:
#1 I wish you were pregnant at the same time as me so we could raise our kids together.
You do? So do I. But what in your right mind, made you think this was a good thing to say while I'm attempting to make it through your baby shower without breaking down?
#2 Don't be one of those people who has an only child.
Hmmm, if I could control that, I would. But seeing as I'll be lucky to have just one, maybe that isn't the best thing to say.
#3 You'll be a great mom some day.
Thank you. Most of the time this one is warm welcomed. However there are days when it just hurts. It's very easy to lose faith, and on those days, this is like taking a stake to the heart.
#4 Stop trying so hard, it will happen when it's supposed to.
Really, is that how that works? So if we stop having sex all the time, I'll be like the Virgin Mary and miraculously get pregnant? Why didn't someone tell me that sooner!
#5 You're going to end up with multiples, IVF always does.
You obviously know nothing about the process, nor the odds in that happening. To be honest, IUI causes more multiples than IVF does. Never mind the fact that we modestly only inseminated 1 embaby. And it's really none of your business how many kids we end up with.
#6 Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life.
Actually it doesn't. And if you are one of the many blessed enough to become pregnant naturally, you should never make statements about other's choices. You have no idea what they are going through, or their reason for choosing IVF.
I have a feeling I'll be posting another one of these in the future.
Most of the time, people just don't know what to say to you when they hear you're infertile or seeking infertility assistance. Although most people have been, and continue to be, very kind and sensitive (especially when I was hopped up on hormones, which I thank each and every one of you), there's always that one person who trips up over their own words, or really has no clue what to say and what not to say.
Shame on you!
#1 I wish you were pregnant at the same time as me so we could raise our kids together.
You do? So do I. But what in your right mind, made you think this was a good thing to say while I'm attempting to make it through your baby shower without breaking down?
Hmmm, if I could control that, I would. But seeing as I'll be lucky to have just one, maybe that isn't the best thing to say.
Considering wearing this around.
Thank you. Most of the time this one is warm welcomed. However there are days when it just hurts. It's very easy to lose faith, and on those days, this is like taking a stake to the heart.
1 in 10 people!!!
#4 Stop trying so hard, it will happen when it's supposed to.
Really, is that how that works? So if we stop having sex all the time, I'll be like the Virgin Mary and miraculously get pregnant? Why didn't someone tell me that sooner!
#5 You're going to end up with multiples, IVF always does.
You obviously know nothing about the process, nor the odds in that happening. To be honest, IUI causes more multiples than IVF does. Never mind the fact that we modestly only inseminated 1 embaby. And it's really none of your business how many kids we end up with.
#6 Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life.
Actually it doesn't. And if you are one of the many blessed enough to become pregnant naturally, you should never make statements about other's choices. You have no idea what they are going through, or their reason for choosing IVF.
If we turn back to IVF, our kid will proudly be sporting one of these.
#7 You can always adopt.
What?! There are children in the world in need of good homes? If it's so easy, why haven't you done it? Oh that's right, you can get pregnant naturally. Therefore you can ignore all the children in need of good homes. That only applies to gay, lesbians, and the infertile. (What is wrong with people?!)
#8 Why do you even want to have kids?!
I don't even have a response for that one. Either you're a kid person, or you're not. Respect people's choices.
I have a feeling I'll be posting another one of these in the future.
Monday, October 31, 2011
A Year Ago Today
It's Halloween, and for most, it's a time to dress up your kids in funny costumes and parade them around your neighborhood. Or it's a time to display yourself as someone or something else. But when I think of Halloween, I no longer think of costumes and candy. I think of the start of our fertility journey. Halloween was our first egg retrieval. It was a day filled with excitement and hope. It was the first day I truly let myself believe that I could get pregnant. I let myself believe that this was it. And a year later, we are still childless and have yet to make any progress.
Thankfully, (insert laugh here), a fluke snow storm that has downed power lines across New England helped to take my mind off things this weekend. Being a true New Englander, I love all seasons. But there's something about the first snowfall this is still magical at age 28. I've been "in a dark place" the last couple of weeks. I've been pretty depressed and have been struggling to stay positive.
all almost all of my negative emotions. I'm starting to feel more in control of myself and what I can do.
Last weeks first flurries, mid week.
Thankfully, (insert laugh here), a fluke snow storm that has downed power lines across New England helped to take my mind off things this weekend. Being a true New Englander, I love all seasons. But there's something about the first snowfall this is still magical at age 28. I've been "in a dark place" the last couple of weeks. I've been pretty depressed and have been struggling to stay positive.
I'm angry, a lot.
I've cried, a lot.
I've sworn, a lot.
I've questioned God, too many times.
This weekend, with the lack of power or ability to go anywhere, I finally am starting to relax. I slept too many hours, drank too many glasses of wine, spent hours sitting by a fire. I've let myself release 
Probably should put the snow tires on soon.
So what's a girl to do? The holidays are coming. The anniversary of our miscarriage is coming. The overwhelming loss of several family members is creeping up. It's only been a year, but far too much has happened. More than one family should ever experience. Feeling so out of control of fate and what lies ahead, I'm going to try to take control of the things I can.
I can start eating vegan again. (It's when I've felt and looked my best.)
I can start working out 4-5 days a week. (Thanks to hubby's help and encouragement.)
I can start making decisions on what the next step will be. (With hubby's input.)
I can take a vacation, or two. (VT & the Berkshires)
I can go visit my Cali friends. ;) (Hopefully in March if all goes well.)
I can start focusing on today and stop worrying about tomorrow.
After the storm, comes the sun.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Now I'm Just Angry
(Last year today, I was at the fertility clinic, getting my 11 eggs removed. Which probably explains today's mood.)
Everyone has a breaking point. That edge between clear headed & calm and the point where you could stab someone. (I probably shouldn't say that out loud. Don't worry, I won't actually stab anyone.) But let's face it, we all have a point where you just can't take it any more. I'm at my breaking point. Infertility has a very thin line between hope and pure anger. I'm teetering on the anger side right now. For months I've been trying to fight it, and stay hopeful that NaPro will give us what we want. Between you and I, I'm losing hope. I'm breaking down. I'm angry, all the time. I've attempted to put on my happy face and carry on each day as if nothing is happening. But you all know. Anyone I know, knows. So let's cut the bull shit and call it like it is. I'm fucking pissed!
My body should just work! I should want to get pregnant, and it should just happen! I shouldn't have to check my blood every other day during my cycle. I shouldn't have to pump my body full of meds to convince its self that I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have to pee on a stick every day, twice a day to see if something has finally worked. I shouldn't be 3 years down the road and still be childless. I should have a 4month old right now. I should be sleep deprived and blissfully happy. Instead, I'm working. I'm sleeping. I'm wondering what went wrong this month. Why do I have cramps already? Why, if I'm not pregnant, do my breasts hurt every time I move? And why the hell do I have another fucking cyst?
For anyone thinking I should explore other means of becoming a parent, I have two words for you: Fuck.Off. Unless you are struggling with infertility, I don't want to hear that you think I should adopt. I don't want to hear that I should try IVF again. What is so wrong with wanting to conceive naturally?! Yes, I'm being harsh. My apologies for those of you who have truly been supportive. But I've gotten the comment about adoption several times. Don't get me wrong, I strongly agree with adoption and most likely will move forward with it at some point in my life. Every child deserves a loving home and I fully intend to change a deserving child's life. But I would like to have a child with my DNA as well.
I like to think I have a big heart. I know most people who know me probably think I'm a sassy, hard-ass bitch. It's called self protection people. I refuse to let people see that they've gotten the best of me. I'm extremely self competitive and I am my hardest critic. So when something isn't going my way, about 90% of the time, you will have no idea. This is the other 10%. Things aren't working, and I'm mad. I rarely get mad at God. But I'm mad. Whatever plan he/she may have, could you fill me in already?! I've seen rainbows, heard that damn song at the exact moments I think of pregnancy, and still nothing. And to top it all off, I've taken progesterone to hopefully help with PMS and I am beyond dizzy right now.
Now what? What's the appropriate next step? I know it's only been a few months trying the NaPro approach. But at what point do you call it quits and move on? The answer is, you don't. You follow your heart and you make a decision. So that's what I plan to do. You can't control the uncontrollable. But you can control your actions. And I plan to act.
Everyone has a breaking point. That edge between clear headed & calm and the point where you could stab someone. (I probably shouldn't say that out loud. Don't worry, I won't actually stab anyone.) But let's face it, we all have a point where you just can't take it any more. I'm at my breaking point. Infertility has a very thin line between hope and pure anger. I'm teetering on the anger side right now. For months I've been trying to fight it, and stay hopeful that NaPro will give us what we want. Between you and I, I'm losing hope. I'm breaking down. I'm angry, all the time. I've attempted to put on my happy face and carry on each day as if nothing is happening. But you all know. Anyone I know, knows. So let's cut the bull shit and call it like it is. I'm fucking pissed!
My body should just work! I should want to get pregnant, and it should just happen! I shouldn't have to check my blood every other day during my cycle. I shouldn't have to pump my body full of meds to convince its self that I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have to pee on a stick every day, twice a day to see if something has finally worked. I shouldn't be 3 years down the road and still be childless. I should have a 4month old right now. I should be sleep deprived and blissfully happy. Instead, I'm working. I'm sleeping. I'm wondering what went wrong this month. Why do I have cramps already? Why, if I'm not pregnant, do my breasts hurt every time I move? And why the hell do I have another fucking cyst?
For anyone thinking I should explore other means of becoming a parent, I have two words for you: Fuck.Off. Unless you are struggling with infertility, I don't want to hear that you think I should adopt. I don't want to hear that I should try IVF again. What is so wrong with wanting to conceive naturally?! Yes, I'm being harsh. My apologies for those of you who have truly been supportive. But I've gotten the comment about adoption several times. Don't get me wrong, I strongly agree with adoption and most likely will move forward with it at some point in my life. Every child deserves a loving home and I fully intend to change a deserving child's life. But I would like to have a child with my DNA as well.
I like to think I have a big heart. I know most people who know me probably think I'm a sassy, hard-ass bitch. It's called self protection people. I refuse to let people see that they've gotten the best of me. I'm extremely self competitive and I am my hardest critic. So when something isn't going my way, about 90% of the time, you will have no idea. This is the other 10%. Things aren't working, and I'm mad. I rarely get mad at God. But I'm mad. Whatever plan he/she may have, could you fill me in already?! I've seen rainbows, heard that damn song at the exact moments I think of pregnancy, and still nothing. And to top it all off, I've taken progesterone to hopefully help with PMS and I am beyond dizzy right now.
Now what? What's the appropriate next step? I know it's only been a few months trying the NaPro approach. But at what point do you call it quits and move on? The answer is, you don't. You follow your heart and you make a decision. So that's what I plan to do. You can't control the uncontrollable. But you can control your actions. And I plan to act.
Monday, October 24, 2011
(Not my) Dirty 30
Over the past year, I have been meeting up with some friends from home once a month. The four of us are kind of a mish-mosh of friends that some how remained close that got close as the years went on. We span from the NH sea coast, to central MA. Although most would think a 90 min drive would keep us apart, not this group, we always make time. Our monthly girl's night has gotten us through break-ups, job loss, family deaths, friends passing, new homes, new jobs, miscarriage, and all of those quintessential growing up landmarks.
This weekend, we celebrated our first 30th birthday. A milestone if you ask me. We managed to keep the weekend a surprise until the moment she opened the door. Although fear filled her face when she did open it to a dark hotel room filled with people, made her believe she was in the wrong place. She soon realized it was the faces of friends and family.
It was a huge success filled with laughs, tears, hikes, swims, shopping, and of course drinks. Yours truly kept the drinking at bay. Seeing as hubby and I used this month to its fullest capacity, my hope is there's a little embryo in there trying to stick. Therefore drinking wasn't really an option. (I did indulge in a couple white wine spritzers, which I'm pretty sure made me look like a huge wuss.) But future baby is far more important.
One of the most difficult parts of infertility, is answering the question "do you have children?" to people you haven't seen in years or are just meeting you for the first time. What's the appropriate response? You don't want to make anyone feel bad and seem like a turbo bitch, but the question alone is like taking a dagger to the heart. I've found just smiling and saying "Not yet." is usually the best way to go. Then if the conversation leads there, or they become super nosey, you can expand. But once you tell someone, they look at your differently. You can always see that slight pang of pity in their eye.
Which leads me to today. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I've had mild cramps, nothing like last time. I've also had constant mucus, which probably means I have an ovarian cyst. I did have one wave of nausea this morning, but that usually happens from postnasal drip which has over taken my body, along with being super hungry in the am. I'm not terribly surprised to be honest. I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting this will actually happen naturally. Sad to say, I've even stopped eating pristinely and haven't worked out that much, in hopes it may help. Who knows, maybe next week I'll finally see that 2nd dark pink line.
These ladies keep me sane.
This weekend, we celebrated our first 30th birthday. A milestone if you ask me. We managed to keep the weekend a surprise until the moment she opened the door. Although fear filled her face when she did open it to a dark hotel room filled with people, made her believe she was in the wrong place. She soon realized it was the faces of friends and family.
The birthday princess.
It was a huge success filled with laughs, tears, hikes, swims, shopping, and of course drinks. Yours truly kept the drinking at bay. Seeing as hubby and I used this month to its fullest capacity, my hope is there's a little embryo in there trying to stick. Therefore drinking wasn't really an option. (I did indulge in a couple white wine spritzers, which I'm pretty sure made me look like a huge wuss.) But future baby is far more important.
One of the most difficult parts of infertility, is answering the question "do you have children?" to people you haven't seen in years or are just meeting you for the first time. What's the appropriate response? You don't want to make anyone feel bad and seem like a turbo bitch, but the question alone is like taking a dagger to the heart. I've found just smiling and saying "Not yet." is usually the best way to go. Then if the conversation leads there, or they become super nosey, you can expand. But once you tell someone, they look at your differently. You can always see that slight pang of pity in their eye.
Managed to find a playground.
Hubby liked the tire swing too.
Then he got stuck.
Which leads me to today. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I've had mild cramps, nothing like last time. I've also had constant mucus, which probably means I have an ovarian cyst. I did have one wave of nausea this morning, but that usually happens from postnasal drip which has over taken my body, along with being super hungry in the am. I'm not terribly surprised to be honest. I've gotten to the point where I'm doubting this will actually happen naturally. Sad to say, I've even stopped eating pristinely and haven't worked out that much, in hopes it may help. Who knows, maybe next week I'll finally see that 2nd dark pink line.
(I already have a child.)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
You want me to put that where?
I was feeling curious the other day and decided to Google "trying to conceive", something I actually hadn't done before. I was slightly appalled at what I found. (Appalled probably isn't the right word, however it will probably describe most of your reactions best.) I had to share this, it's one of those things that's so gross you must share.
Egg Whites.
Now we all know I've shared how cervical mucus looks like egg whites when it's optimal time to conceive. However I never thought people actually used them as a way to conceive. No joke, this woman is convinced that cracking an egg, removing the yolk and inserting the egg whites into your hooha, will help you conceive.
Why, might you ask?
Let's think about this....your optimal conceiving mucus looks like egg whites. But is the structure the same? Your mucus, referring to the egg white kind, is small channels that protect and allow sperm to travel safely in the cervix. (The vagina is a hostile place, filled with high levels of acidity.) So do real egg whites help coat the same way if your mucus is low?
Has anyone else ever heard of this?
*If you plan to attempt (which I will not), be sure to sterilize the outside shell, apparently that's where any bad bacteria resides.
Happy egg white douching!
Egg Whites.
Real egg whites
Now we all know I've shared how cervical mucus looks like egg whites when it's optimal time to conceive. However I never thought people actually used them as a way to conceive. No joke, this woman is convinced that cracking an egg, removing the yolk and inserting the egg whites into your hooha, will help you conceive.
Why, might you ask?
Someone's egg white mucus
Not mine. I swear.
Not mine. I swear.
Let's think about this....your optimal conceiving mucus looks like egg whites. But is the structure the same? Your mucus, referring to the egg white kind, is small channels that protect and allow sperm to travel safely in the cervix. (The vagina is a hostile place, filled with high levels of acidity.) So do real egg whites help coat the same way if your mucus is low?
Has anyone else ever heard of this?
*If you plan to attempt (which I will not), be sure to sterilize the outside shell, apparently that's where any bad bacteria resides.
Happy egg white douching!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Vitamins
I know I've briefly touched upon the vitamins I attempt to inhale every day, but I wanted to get a little deeper into the discussion. Mostly because I feel like I'm going to gag every morning trying to shove these down my throat. I've found lately that I'm not hungry in the morning, which is not helping trying to take the 7 daily pills, plus 2 extras during my peak days. And the fact that if I don't take with 24 oz of water and carbs, I get nauseous and wonder if I need to run to the bathroom. So here they are, all 7 of them:
Looks are deceiving. Don't let that prenatal fool you.
1. Prenatal Vitamin: As of right now I'm taking a whole foods version. I know, it screams dirty hippie. However after reviewing several other options, this little pungent pill packs in the highest volume of vitamins. It does give off this horrible smell and if I don't scarf it down with a protein bar or toast, I may vomit. But it's good for potential baby.
2. Magnesium: (2 pills) Foot cramps alone are reason enough to start sucking these bad boys down. I've had them since I was about 14. My feet cramp like crazy, especially after working out. Dr. C explains it best:
"Magnesium is involved in 100 different enzyme functions in our bodies. It is also needed by each cells’ mitochondria to generate energy out of the foods that we eat. It is important for the stability of our heart rhythms, nerve function and muscle action. Magnesium is stored in muscles like water is stored in a reservoir. When there is not enough in our diet, the blood stream will steal it from the muscles. Some people who are low in magnesium get muscle cramps in their feet and calves and other muscles. Some get migraine headaches. Many of my pregnant patients who begin taking magnesium say that they sleep better, have fewer muscle cramps, lower blood pressure and less uterine contractions during their pregnancies."
3. Calcium: Seeing as I don't eat too much dairy, I figure calcium is probably a good thing to ingest. Even if it's in pill form. Better than nothing right?
4. Vitamin D3: Most people are deficient in Vit D, especially those of us that live above or below the equator. (Crazy, I know.) Again, best explained by Dr. C:
"The immune system functions best when 43, but still far short of the goal level of 75 or greater. Most of my patients’ levels range 12–30. Darker skinned people have even more difficulty obtaining vitamin D from sunlight.
Data reveals that a child growing up in New England is much more likely to come down with Multiple Sclerosis than a child growing up in Florida. Similarly there seems to be fewer cancers in Florida than in the northern U.S. I also believe that, one day, vitamin D deficiency will also be linked to endometriosis and premature birth."
Click here to read his entire article on Magnesium and Vitamin D.
5. Levothyroxine: After blood work revealed I had a slight case of hypothyroidism, Dr. C suggested I begin taking the synthetic drug to make up for the lack my body creates. Since starting the meds, my nails have never looked better. Even on prenatals, they still ripped and teared. (A sign of hypothyroidism.) And I have more energy than I previously did and my numbers are finally in an appropriate range. Still slightly sluggish but that could be from lack of exercise. It's about time I got my ass moving.
6. Iodine Plus2: Apparently most of us walking this earth are deficient in iodine. Far too long to explain. Read here.
Now if I could only remember to take these every day...they'd probably help.
Friday, October 7, 2011
No one wants to die.
I am not a techy by any means, but my husband is. So when I shared with him yesterday morning that Steve Jobs passed away, I was not surprised by his sad expression and deeply concerned tone. It was expected. For Chris, it's the deep loss of losing one of the greatest visionaries, that affected him. For me, I can't help but think of his family and children feeling the greatest loss there is: losing a loved one at a young age. Yes, 56 is young.
As I sit and read MSN's editorial on Steve and his great successes, well spoken words and visions, several quotes seem to be resonating in my mind that I feel compelled to share. The first:
"When you’re a carpenter making a beautiful chest of drawers, you’re not going to use a piece of plywood on the back, even though it faces the wall and nobody will ever see it. You’ll know it’s there, so you’re going to use a beautiful piece of wood on the back. For you to sleep well at night, the aesthetic, the quality, has to be carried all the way through."
For those of us (and I use the word us, because many people don't share this same belief), short cuts aren't worth it. IVF is a short cut. (I'm having a love/hate relationship with it at the moment, if you couldn't already tell.) It's also known as the band aid approach. "We don't know what's wrong with you, so let's skip all these steps and see what happens." For most people, that's fine. There may be nothing wrong, but for some reason these two people's systems struggle together. So I get that. But when you know hear several concerns expressed and you never look into them, there's an even bigger problem present. NaPro gets to the route of the issue, fixes it, and allows couples to conceive naturally. So why isn't our country, one of the most advanced in the world, using the NaPro approach to infertility instead of the band aid approach?
The second:
"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new."
As we make our way through October, I'm flooded with memories of shots, blood draws, internal ultrasounds (yuck), and the many people we've lost this year.
7. Yup, I said 7.
I can not remember a time in my life that I have lost so many people in a span of 12 months. The thought of it, always brings tears to my eyes. And as each day passes and we get closer and closer to the anniversary of these deaths, I'm slowly being taken over by anxiety . How do you get through the day you miscarried on? My hope is to be pregnant again, somehow I've brainwashed myself into thinking that that will help. It won't. I know that. But something has to happen, and soon. Because honestly, I don't know how much longer I can last.
3. years.
That's how long we've been doing this, come January. 3 years. I've been pretty patient, considering I'm a very impatient person. I am, however, clever enough to manipulate myself into staying distracted and positive. But how long can that last for. Apparently not that much longer. We've made decisions recently. Decisions on what will happen if nothing happens. I'm not ready to share them yet, but they're coming. My hope is we won't have to reach them. But if we do, you'll know.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Bikram, Salmon, Estrogen, Oh my!
I attended my bikram yoga class last night. I could not catch my breath. It was just one of those days. I was however able to get deeper into the poses and hold them for longer periods of time. The class I attend does two sets of the poses. I was only able to muster the strength to do one set each. Still a success though knowing I was able to hold the poses and stretch further into them. Note to self: don't sit down. Simply bend forward and let the blood rush to your head. Much easier than trying to stand after sitting.
As most of you know, I love to cook. Seeing as I'm in this funk, cooking helps me to relax and enjoy the little things. So after yoga, I headed home. I Like creating a meal I've never made before. I like experimenting. Somethings I discover amazing things, sometimes not so much. Thankfully last night was a huge success. Having gone from vegan to vegetarian (sort of, I still eat fish) after over a year of strict vegan, creating recipes has not been so easy. But I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.
This past weekend we went apple picking at Nashoba Valley Winery. Yes, they have an orchard as well. (And they offer picnic lunches which was delicious by the way.) I did limit my wine consumption to one glass of their Cranberry Apple Wine. (It was lovely.) Just in case for some odd reason I'm actually pregnant. (Don't get excited.) So back to the apples. I'm not a fan of macintosh so we scarfed up the courtlands. Having a bag of apples, salmon and farm fresh veggies, I created this:
As most of you know, I love to cook. Seeing as I'm in this funk, cooking helps me to relax and enjoy the little things. So after yoga, I headed home. I Like creating a meal I've never made before. I like experimenting. Somethings I discover amazing things, sometimes not so much. Thankfully last night was a huge success. Having gone from vegan to vegetarian (sort of, I still eat fish) after over a year of strict vegan, creating recipes has not been so easy. But I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.
This past weekend we went apple picking at Nashoba Valley Winery. Yes, they have an orchard as well. (And they offer picnic lunches which was delicious by the way.) I did limit my wine consumption to one glass of their Cranberry Apple Wine. (It was lovely.) Just in case for some odd reason I'm actually pregnant. (Don't get excited.) So back to the apples. I'm not a fan of macintosh so we scarfed up the courtlands. Having a bag of apples, salmon and farm fresh veggies, I created this:
BBQ Apple Salmon, Fingerling Potatoes and Green Beans
Last night's masterpiece consisted of two pieces of salmon coated in chopped apples, onions, garlic, salt, pepper, honey bbq sauce, and Texas Pete's Sweet & Spicy. Amazingly delicious. Just enough flavor without over powering the salmon. Simply bake for 20 mins on 425 degrees, then 5 min broil.The roasted fingerling potatoes were coated in extra virgin olive oil, fresh garlic, salt and pepper. Cooked same temp and time as salmon. The green beans (to die for) were done in a frying pan. T of coconut oil, garlic, chopped onion, salt and pepper. Fill the pain with about 1/2" of water, bring to boil and throw everything in. Let water evaporate, bring temp down to low.
All in all: successful dinner. However, the goat cheese brie and raspberry bites did not like to be bake. Apparently frying is the only way they are happy. Attempt #2 tonight.
While enjoying my lunch today, Dr. C's office phoned, following up on my blood draw from Saturday. Numbers are fabulous! Apparently the letrozole is helping keep my estrogen levels where they should be. Truly the test was to check my progesterone levels as well. He wanted to see if I would need a replacement supplement for insufficient levels. Not necessary! One less pill to take, thank goodness!
Now we wait. To be pregnant.
PS- Oddly enough, while typing this post, specifically the part about not drinking too much, Hallelujah just came on. Hmmmm, maybe September will be our month.
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