Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Why You Shouldn't Post on Forums Pregnant

Last week I joined TheBump.com. Mostly because I wanted to have a resource to check in on baby's progress and read up on what other moms-to-be are feeling. What ended up happening, has kept me from ever returning. Honestly, I am simply appalled at some of the responses I received.

Let me preface by saying I realize that posting on forums aren't always going to give you the answer you're looking for. They are honest responses to people's opinions. Nor can you really know someones character by the question they've asked. I don't expect people to agree with me, but I do expect them to be respectful with their comments and suggestions.

That did not happen.

I posed a question on non-traditional baby showers. For the past 4 years, as we struggled to conceive, (like most pregnant women) you think about all the things that come with baby. All the great things that we as women look forward to. One of them being your baby shower. I am lucky enough to have such a loving family that it's tradition to have a baby shower, where all the women, both family and friends are invited and shower the mom to be with love and gifts. I, in no way EXPECT a shower, or for anyone to buy us gifts. But it's definitely fun to think about if they do decide to throw one for us.

Having attended several myself over the years, there are things that I've come to love and not so much enjoy.  I love the idea of a non-traditional shower. We have so many friends and family, both male and female that have supported us over the years, that I thought it would be nice to have a shower party with all of them. Somewhere low key, and laid back, like the farm/restaurant we go to every Sunday morning for breakfast. Maybe hold it in the evening, serving soup, sandwiches, and salads. Nothing fancy. Very low key. Since it would be in the evening, drinks would be served. (Just because I can't drink doesn't mean no one can.)

So the question I posed, and basically got attacked for, was the idea of a non-traditional, coed shower. I suggested where I would like it to be held, along with the idea of not sitting and opening all the gifts at once. (I always feel like it takes so long, and gets quite boring for those attending.) I posed a few alternatives, like opening as people asked, or as they arrived (assuming people wouldn't all arrive at once). I also stated that this is a super early question to ask seeing as I wasn't even 8 weeks yet. (But I'm excited, ya know?)

I was blown away at some of the responses these women gave. Below are some samples.

One woman told me I was a spoiled brat for making DEMANDS about my shower, that no one has offered to throw me. And that my post was all "ME ME ME!"
-No demands were made. I simply made suggestions of what I'd like. I never said I expected all these things, there were examples of what comes to mind when I think of a shower. I was looking for opinions on the idea of a non traditional shower, not the specific details I gave. Jeez.

Another told me that just because I struggled to conceived, doesn't mean people are going to be throwing glitter all around me.
-Oh really? I had no idea. I assumed the world would stop turning now that a baby is finally growing inside me! 

One lady said I shouldn't even be thinking about a shower since I've had issues in the past. That I should just try to get past the first trimester. And how dare I pose that question as such an early stage of pregnancy.
-Apparently there is this "Guide to Life Events Rule Book". If anyone has one, please send me a copy. I apparently didn't get the memo.

One woman actually understood, and had the same thought for hers. I commented below that finally someone understood what I was trying to say. Another lady wrote under my comment "Well that wasn't predictable or anything."
-Because that's a mature response. And apparently no one can share the same ideas. Silly me.

At one point, after several well made arguments with the gift opening issue, I finally gave in and agreed. One woman gave great points and was very kind in her response. I thanked her and posted that I understood finally. Another few women felt the need to argue that they gave the suggestion a while ago. Which they did not. They judged and criticized and basically called me a spoiled brat again and rudely stated what I should do.

So what did I learn from all of us. Forums and hormones don't mix people! Don't get involved in the forums. Some of these women are just down right rude and judgmental  and apparently have nothing better to do with their time then make you feel like a horrible person for asking a simple question. Nor do they know how to respectfully comment on other's thoughts.

Lesson learned.

*What this did do though, was hook me up with some very wonderful mamas on a private Facebook page, (soon to be website). So I am super grateful for that! Out of everything bad, can come something good.


  1. Pretty sure that once you're far enough along for a baby shower, glitter will be being thrown!

    1. I absolutely love this comment! Thank you Leanne! I laughed at her response. I couldn't believe some of the crazy thoughts these women had. And all the support I've received from you ladies!

  2. Glitter throwing should commence asap. The only lesson I learned from forums is that becoming a "Mommie" tends to revert some women back to a middle school/high school mindset! I think your shower ideas sound wonderful and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. You have been through so much and deserve to enjoy every joyous second! =o)

    1. Thank you! I don't expect the world to stop by any means, that woman was just plain rude. So glad I have such wonderful readers :)

  3. I just wanted to add that I've been following your journey (as a lurker) for a long time, congrats on the pregnancy. As a fellow Success After Infertility (and in my case pregnancy loss) person I spent a good portion of my pregnancy (basically the entire thing) terrified. I was unable to celebrate and even dampened the excitement of those around me due to fear. I don't recommend that course of action. You have a baby today - glitter should be thrown every day that that fact is true. It is certainly not to early to be thinking about your baby shower. I have been to several co-ed "non-traditional" baby showers and they are, by far, the most fun. I was not asked what I wanted in a baby shower and truly wish that I had had the opportunity to voice my opinion because that is exactly the type of event I would have preferred for myself. (and yes on thebump I am sure they would call me selfish and ungrateful - which I'm not).

    Now let the glitter commence.

    1. I love lurkers! Welcome and thank you! So glad your journey ended happily! So many people take it for granted, it's always nice to hear from others who struggled as well. I think everyone expectant momma thinks about her shower within the first month of finding out. It's one of those "rights of passage" that we crave, especially when our journey has been so long. Thank you again, and bring on the glitter!