Monday, June 17, 2013

Is This Really Happening?

Every once in awhile I have this surreal moment where my daughter will kick, or move inside me, and I realize "Holy Shit! There's really a person in there!" Which probably sounds really odd coming from an 9 month pregnant woman. But honestly, pregnancy is one of those things that you can easily go through your day and forget you're carrying around another human being inside of you.

It's not something you can explain easily, nor will most of you understand what I'm trying to say. (At least I guess you won't understand. Am I wrong? Please tell me I'm wrong.) Yes, I walk with a waddle. Yes, my back is constantly reminding me of all the extra weight. And yes, I feel our little girl on the move all the time. But there's moments when I look down at my belly and am in disbelief that she's really in there. Is this because it took so long for it to happen? Is this because I took so long to allow myself to feel the joy of our little miracle child? Or is this completely normal?

I'm afraid I'm going to deliver this little being and wake up one day totally forgetting that I have a kid. I've had nightmares for years about this. That I go through my normal day, then all of a sudden remember I have a kid, whom I haven't fed all day. But there she sits, perfectly calm, just staring back at me. As if nothing is wrong. And I have to somehow pretend I didn't forget about her. What if this really happens?

I can't even keep a plant alive. Which my husband keeps reminding me of. (However I did water both our plants while he was away. It was once, but at least they got some water, right?) How am I going to keep another helpless human being alive?!

On the opposite end of those thoughts, I keep seeing myself being extremely calm with her. Her screaming her little head off because she's hungry, and me calmly talking to her while I get ready to breast feed. Or her fussing from gas, and me slowly adjusting her to help her work it out.

Anyone else feel completely torn between stressing about all the things you might do wrong, and then seeing yourself being an almost perfect parent? (Please tell me I'm not alone.)

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