Backing Off.......

It's been 8 days since I've written, and about all I can say is.......blah. I feel awful lately. Which my husband so kindly pointed out. Besides trying to begin eating vegan again, and many failed attempts, I think I'm at my depressed point again. It's continuously up and down. I finally start feeling good about me and where life has gone, and then I find out someone's pregnant. Or I see parents not caring for their kids. Or I remember that I want to be a mom. Whatever it is, it's taxing. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I'm lazy. I'm eating shit. (Not real shit, just crap. You know what I mean.) And I'm not working out as I promised myself I would.

So what's a girl to do? Honestly, I don't know anymore. Family and friends keep pressuring us to look into adoption. Or they ask us for answers that we don't have. Like "What's your plan?". As if we've been doing nothing and need to now decide. Well guess what, I have no fucking idea! So stop asking.

We're living. That's our plan. To make it through another day. To survive the news of one more friend conceiving.  To get through one day without being reminded of the hell we live in. I'm 28 years old, not 45. Yes my biological clock is ticking, but at least the gears haven't stopped.

What would I like to do? I'd like to be left alone. I'd like to not have the subject come up. I'd like for one night to forget that I can't conceive and not have anyone know, or ask, or give me the "I feel sorry for you" look. It's getting old people. I'm infertile, not blind.

And that is the end of my rant.......for today.

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One a brighter side, for anyone interested, I found a new tea at a natural food store that supposedly supports the health of the female cycle. Traditional Medicinals Raspberry Leaf Tea. I've been downing it like crazy. (A girl can dream.)

I've also begun a small group therapy (I guess you could call it) for local ladies struggling to conceive. And I must say, I could not be happier that it's finally happened. There's nothing like standing in a room filled with people who understand and don't judge anything that comes out of your mouth. The first gathering was quite intimate seeing as the power went out 20 mins before they were to arrive. I was freakishly vacuuming the living room as everything goes out, leaving me to believe I blew a fuse. Not the case, everything was out for about a 3 town spread. I luckily stock up on candles for such occasions and we spent the next 5 hours chatting about anything and everything. To you ladies, thank you! You have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I could not be happier that life has brought us together.

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A New Plan:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.

That's a good starting point. I'm a planner, can you tell?

Rules for the Two Week Wait

For those of you living in infertility hell along with me, you know how crazy the "two week wait" can be. Mine of course has fallen directly on St. Patrick's Day. The one day per year it's mandatory you drink. (Well, not really, but you know what I mean...) With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject of what to eat, drink, do and say during that awkward two weeks.

Eat-

Coming from a Vegan (or shall I say a vegetarian attempting to be vegan again), my thoughts are obviously geared towards all things natural. As of right now, breakfast is a smoothie with a cup of oatmeal. Snack is graham crackers. Lunch is a full salad and Amy's burrito and some of the Snikkidy chips. Snack is fruit (apple, grapes, pear). Dinner is a loaded vegetable dish with tofu or beans and a whole grain. Although it isn't perfect, right now it's working for me. My appetite tends to increase dramatically prior to menstruation. My husband finds it odd, but it's just the way I am. I have about 2 weeks of being very hungry all the time, and 2 weeks of a low appetite. During the "two week wait", fill your body with nutrient dense foods. These two weeks are the building blocks for that little embryo, be sure to give them everything they need and not what you want.

 

Drink-

This is always the tough one. Doctors now say that drinking one glass of wine slowly won't harm your little growing bambino. I'm not sure I fully agree with them. But you may find yourself at a social event that you don't want the funny eye lurking over at you, wondering if you're pregnant and that's why you aren't drinking. My advice is, grab a small glass of wine and milk it throughout the night. That way you won't be harassed and it will help to calm your nerves. I steer clear of liquor and I've lost my taste for beer, so wine it is!

Fitness-

This is one I continuously struggle with. I've heard everything from "don't shake the foundation" to work out hard. There's also rumors that you shouldn't let your heart rate pass 150 during a work out. My rule of thumb: don't allow yourself to get breathless. If you're on a treadmill, keep track of your heart rate. If you're outside, make sure you could carry a conversation or sing to your music. Lifting is one of those things that I'm still afraid to do during that time. If I do any weights, I focus on that specific muscle and keep the weight low. Low weights, higher reps is a good rule of thumb during this time as well. That way you are not straining your body, but still getting the benefit of working out. 

Say-

Seeing as I have issues with my stomach and anything dairy, for the most part I simply use the excuse that my stomach is really bothering me. It keeps me from having to explain to those that don't know me (or read my blog) that I am in limbo and praying there's something growing inside of me. Or I just say, I'm vegan. People usually stop talking at that point, in fear you may instill your values on them. 

In the end: Do and say what feels right to you. I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to be. I live by experience. If something doesn't work for you, try something else. Just remember that these two weeks are crucial in building a proper foundation for your child. Take care of yourself mentally and physically and pray for a miracle. 

Repeat Lesson: Be Selfish

Ugh. Things have not been stellar. (I say that mostly because of my mood today.) Life has been treating me very well...besides the whole infertility thing. But there has been several more panic attacks, which tends to damper my days. Something I am not happy with, not one bit. They come on for no reason, at inopportune times, and stick around longer and longer each time. And they are happening more frequently. I did a little research to be sure that something else wasn't contributing to it, because as my husband would say, I'm a hypochondriac. Didn't say much besides find a way to breath and relax. Which I've already been trying to do.

I despise day light savings time, it totally messes me up. So this week I have not gone to the gym at all...sigh. Which has probably contributed to my high stress level, thus causing the panic attacks. But I did manage to go for my first solo outdoor run this week, which I plan to continue. (They aren't lying when they say running clears your head.) I felt so much better after, and even ran further than I thought. All in all, fabulous thing. Hopefully next week my body will finally adjust to the time change so that I can get my ass up in the am, and run after work.

My cycle has also been pretty funky this week. I had my usual 3 month Creighton appt with my nurse. Oddly enough, this month is the first in 4 months that's looking good. As I've previously stated, the very early miscarriage we had in December reared it's ugly head for the following 3 cycles. First being an immature follicle, second being an un-ruptured follicle and the third the same. So this month of "trying" was looking really good. Last menstrual cycle was finally free and clear of brown spotting and was a healthy flow. However, I have been bleeding around ovulation. Previously it was only for 1 day. This month, I've had 3 days of spotting. Fun. I have been told it's a sign of ovulation and not to worry. But they said that to me, so obviously I'm still worrying.

On a side note, for all my infertiles out there. I've always preached "First and foremost, make sure you're happy." You may not be able to reproduce, but you can be as selfish as you like right now and do things you wouldn't be able to with a family. That alone should bring a smile to your face. And if it doesn't, take after me, I'm happy to teach you how to be selfish.

1. I got extensions. I love long hair and have wanted to try them forever. My hair is thin and doesn't really grow. So I found a local stylist that offered them, and did it. Every day I look in the mirror and find myself glum for all the shit I've been through. Then I look at my hair. It makes me happy. It was worth it.

2. We traded in the Mini. Yes it was purchased last year, a time when I was super sad and really tired of living my life as if I was pregnant or would be soon. So I said fuck it, and got myself a fun little car. It served it's purpose. It made me happy during a time of deep sadness. But, we decided to cut down costs for a little while and live with one vehicle and my husband's company car. Don't feel too bad.....we replaced it with this!

 

Bye Bye Mini & Mazda.....Hello Bimmer!

And guess what, it makes me happy. It makes us happy. It's fun to drive, has room for our long weekends we love to take, all wheel drive for the hiking trips we enjoy, and can fit a kid if that ever happens. The car makes me smile, so therefore it was worth it. 

So when you are sitting there, seeing all the new ultrasound pix on Facebook, remind yourself that you have the freedom to do anything you want right now. So what are you waiting for.....DO IT! You only get one life, don't let a moment pass you by. Enjoy every second because you can never get them back. 

So go.....be selfish. 

The "M" Word

I am happy to report I am not pregnant. Nor have I miscarried. This post could have been a lot different. Thankfully, it's not. Sunday, with no sign of my period insight, and 15 days post peak, I decided to test. Light blue line. Awesome. I get that pretty much every time I test. Fast forward to Monday morning. Wake up bleeding. Good thing I didn't get excited.

You may want to stop reading if you have a weak stomach. If not, you've been warned...

While at work on Monday, I excused myself to the restroom to find 2, not just 1, but 2 pieces of tissue on my pad. I have only ever had this happen one other time. I didn't freak out, surprisingly. I stayed calm, and called Dr. C. He was alarmed and ask me to save it, and come in that night for blood work and pathology on the tissue. So I left work early, yet again, and headed to his office. Picked up the paper work and headed straight to the lab.

Yesterday on my drive home, I got a call from his nurse. She had the tone of voice where you could just tell she felt bad about what she had to say, the sympathy tone. She said my hcg was .7 but they didn't have the results from the tissue. They would know in a few days and call me. From what she explained, it sounded like she was telling me that I was miscarrying. Usually anything over .5 is considered a positive. So I braced myself for bad news.

Today, on my way back from lunch with Hubby, I realized I had a voicemail. It was Dr. C. Got to love this man, he leaves long, detailed messages, so that there's no confusion in what he's telling you. I did not miscarry. There was no indication of conception in the tissue and the blood work apparently didn't show any trace of pregnancy. Thank the Lord!

Normally I have been having 4-5 days of brown spotting. When that never came and the bright red did, I got nervous. I haven't had a "normal" period in.......I don't know how long. So all this was, was a healthy happy period.

Things can always be worse. I'm just happy to say that it wasn't another "m" word.

Smoothies & Vertigo....yes you read that correctly.

I've always thought vertigo was something that people who liked to complain, got. "Oh my vertigo....every thing's spinning....whine, whine, whine...." It was something relative to being a little dizzy. No big deal.

I am completely wrong, and I'll be the first to admit it. When the room starts spinning and you haven't had an ounce to drink, you'd be convinced too. Vertigo is not fun. One minute you are perfectly fine, seeing clearly, and the next the earth is moving all around you and you feel like you're on rough seas. To top it all off, mine is heightened with anxiety. I went to a friend's open house this weekend, walked in the door and BAM...vertigo. Thankfully it isn't too bad, but along with everything moving, my adrenaline started racing. Heart speeds up, and things start looking a little hazy. Awesome. Therefore no need to drink, I already felt drunk. And that's really the best way to describe it. It's like when you're on the verge of blacking out for an overly indulgent night of martinis, and you're laying in bed with one foot on the ground.

Thankfully I'm told this will pass....in about 3-6 weeks. Great. So what do I do in the meantime? Not drink. Check, haven't in months. Not drive terribly far. (Heard a horror story from a good friend who's launched while driving and blacked out.) Trying to stay away from big groups or parties where my anxiety kicks in.

So if I become a hermit, you know why.

Moving on.....

So I have been promising my shake recipe, which I outlined last post. But I thought I'd include some photos and actual measurements for my "cooking/making anything inclined" readers. Here goes...


Berry Smoothie
1 frozen banana
1 large leaf of kale
1 cup frozen berries
4 chunks mango (optional)
1/2 cup POM juice
1/2 cup Green Goodness by Bolthouse Farms
1.5 cups coconut milk
2 T hemp protein (not shown, optional)




Place in blender in the order of ingredients listed, frozen items at the bottom along with the kale leaf so that they blend well. Pulse on Ice Crush mode about 10 times. Then set on liquefy.



Finished product is on the right. Should be dark violet in color. If the frozen items make the shake too thick, add another 1/2 cup of coconut milk. Makes 2 adult servings.

I'll continue to upload recipes for anyone interested.

Docs, Food, 5am Workouts

My life revolves around doctors appointments, to the point where my boss rolls his eyes when I say I have another one. (Not in anger, more in sympathy.) This one is however unrelated to fertility. I can't remember the last time I had a day free of nose running. That may sound silly to some people, but literally my nose runs all day, every day, for any and all reasons. Over that past two weeks two other things have started as well. About once a week, about an hour or two after lunch, my face feels like it's on fire. My whole body temp raises, and peaks for about an hour. On top of that, the last two weeks I've been lightheaded and dizzy, which has slowly escalated every day. To the point where on Tuesday, I was sitting at my desk when the room started to spin. Literally spin. I thought I was going down. I didn't have tunnel vision and my ears didn't start ringing, but I was close to passing out.

I called Dr. C's office today to see if this has anything to do with the pycnogenol or peroxicam. He seems to think not. Instead he believes I either have a chronic sinus infection and or debris in my ears. Awesome. Now what? He recommended contacting an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor, which I did. But because I have an HMO, I need a referral from my PCP. So I call his office, he wants to see me before he'll refer. Great. Another appointment, tomorrow morning and possibly another one next week. In the meantime, the world is fuzzy.

Good news? I have been getting my ass up at the crack of dawn, 5am, and heading to the gym. Yup, I'm doing it. I'm not happy about it, but I'm doing it. I fall asleep around 9pm (yes I'm an old lady now), and waking up at 5, throwing on some clothes, wash face, brush teeth, out the door. I must admit, I feel great. Not because I'm working out, necessarily. More so that my appetite has increased. For the longest time, I've had no appetite, I've simply eaten because I know I need to. Which in turn has caused my stomach to not realize when it's full, thus the weight gain. So now that my AM's are filled with 30mins of cardio and or weights, I'm starving by 7:30. I highly recommend for anyone who is remotely tired during the day, or can't find the time to work out, get up early! It's the best way to start your day. I'm happier, I eat better, and I'm no longer dragging through my day. (I won't lie tho, turning off the alarm is tempting every morning. 90 days to create a habit, right?)

And for those of you looking for food suggestions. Here's what my day consists of:

Morning Shake: makes 2 large shakes, or share with up to 4 kids, trust me they'll love it
1 banana
1 1/2 cups frozen mixed berries
1 large kale leaf
2 T hemp protein powder
1 cup Green Goodness by Bolthouse Farms
1 cup POM juice
1 1/2 cups Coconut Milk Unsweetened

Snack: something small around 10-10:30
Coconut Milk Yogurt


Lunch: 12:30
Homemade Vegan Chili, 1 cup
Garden Salad, medium sized with tons of veggies
Kettle chips, I can't give up chips. (They're my one indulgent now.)

Snack: 3pm
Apple

Dinner: depends on when hubby gets home, usually around 8:30
last night I made iron skillet whole wheat pizza, yes with real cheese, Cabot has several that are lactose free, I indulge in that when I need it, tomatoes, onions and peppers on top, with Newman's Organic tomato sauce. It's to die for!

Beverages throughout the day:
Water with lemon
Tea, caffeine free, loving Traditional Medicinals Eater's Digest, no sweetener

I am currently attempting to cut out sugar. I can feel I'm addicted to it once again. Instead, I eat chips. At least they are made from potatoes, so that's considered a vegetable, right? Oh well.

Pycnogenol & Piroxicam

The last few weeks have been pretty boring. However, this week, I've learned a hell of a lot more knowledge. We had our usual 3 month follow up with Dr C to go over charting and new suggestions. I was not expecting what he had to say. No, I'm not pregnant. Don't get excited. But you should get excited about what I'm going to tell you.

I walked into the appointment with the fear that my body was reverting to a year ago. My charting had been all over the place the last 2-3 cycles. With the understanding that we had a very early miscarriage in December, I've been revolting against charting. I was still keeping track because I know it's important, but I refused to look at it every day or write down each evening. And after seeing that my cycles had been pretty messed up, I had this awful feeling I would be getting bad news. However, on Tuesday, yes Valentine's Day, Dr. C  gave us a glimmer of hope.

He has been following the life's work of an Australian Ob. Don't ask me his name because I can't remember. He had spent his life studying post miscarriage cycles. He had determined that it took the female body 3 months to completely heal. The first cycle never releases an egg. The follicle never ruptures. The second cycle a premature follicle releases. And the third cycle, well I honestly can't remember. We'll get back to that, if I can remember. So how does this affect me? The blood work from December only slightly indicated a miscarriage. But my charting the last 2 months, has been precisely what the Australian Ob's work indicated. We now have confirmation that we definitely miscarried.

I guess that doesn't sound like good news. But it is to me. I finally have proof that these thoughts and feelings aren't fake, but real.  I'm no longer convinced I'm crazy.

Moving on.

So what the hell is Pycnogenol & Piroxicam? Two new things I am taking.
Pycnogenol -an antioxidant plant extract from the bark of the French maritime pine tree, significantly reduces symptoms of endometriosis by 33 percent (bet you didn't know that.)

Piroxicam is an anti-inflammatory that helps boost implantation. Don't believe me, read this.

So what did we find this week? A new found hope.