Thursday, March 15, 2012

Repeat Lesson: Be Selfish

Ugh. Things have not been stellar. (I say that mostly because of my mood today.) Life has been treating me very well...besides the whole infertility thing. But there has been several more panic attacks, which tends to damper my days. Something I am not happy with, not one bit. They come on for no reason, at inopportune times, and stick around longer and longer each time. And they are happening more frequently. I did a little research to be sure that something else wasn't contributing to it, because as my husband would say, I'm a hypochondriac. Didn't say much besides find a way to breath and relax. Which I've already been trying to do.

I despise day light savings time, it totally messes me up. So this week I have not gone to the gym at all...sigh. Which has probably contributed to my high stress level, thus causing the panic attacks. But I did manage to go for my first solo outdoor run this week, which I plan to continue. (They aren't lying when they say running clears your head.) I felt so much better after, and even ran further than I thought. All in all, fabulous thing. Hopefully next week my body will finally adjust to the time change so that I can get my ass up in the am, and run after work.

My cycle has also been pretty funky this week. I had my usual 3 month Creighton appt with my nurse. Oddly enough, this month is the first in 4 months that's looking good. As I've previously stated, the very early miscarriage we had in December reared it's ugly head for the following 3 cycles. First being an immature follicle, second being an un-ruptured follicle and the third the same. So this month of "trying" was looking really good. Last menstrual cycle was finally free and clear of brown spotting and was a healthy flow. However, I have been bleeding around ovulation. Previously it was only for 1 day. This month, I've had 3 days of spotting. Fun. I have been told it's a sign of ovulation and not to worry. But they said that to me, so obviously I'm still worrying.

On a side note, for all my infertiles out there. I've always preached "First and foremost, make sure you're happy." You may not be able to reproduce, but you can be as selfish as you like right now and do things you wouldn't be able to with a family. That alone should bring a smile to your face. And if it doesn't, take after me, I'm happy to teach you how to be selfish.

1. I got extensions. I love long hair and have wanted to try them forever. My hair is thin and doesn't really grow. So I found a local stylist that offered them, and did it. Every day I look in the mirror and find myself glum for all the shit I've been through. Then I look at my hair. It makes me happy. It was worth it.

2. We traded in the Mini. Yes it was purchased last year, a time when I was super sad and really tired of living my life as if I was pregnant or would be soon. So I said fuck it, and got myself a fun little car. It served it's purpose. It made me happy during a time of deep sadness. But, we decided to cut down costs for a little while and live with one vehicle and my husband's company car. Don't feel too bad.....we replaced it with this!
Bye Bye Mini & Mazda.....Hello Bimmer!

And guess what, it makes me happy. It makes us happy. It's fun to drive, has room for our long weekends we love to take, all wheel drive for the hiking trips we enjoy, and can fit a kid if that ever happens. The car makes me smile, so therefore it was worth it. 

So when you are sitting there, seeing all the new ultrasound pix on Facebook, remind yourself that you have the freedom to do anything you want right now. So what are you waiting for.....DO IT! You only get one life, don't let a moment pass you by. Enjoy every second because you can never get them back. 

So selfish. 

1 comment: