Tuesday, May 1, 2012

What's REALLY going on?!

I am getting back to me. The "me" that is happy, smiling, and enjoying life. It has not been easy. I've had serious break downs and moments where I almost picked up the phone to reserve my psych bed. Trust me, there's nothing wrong with seeing a shrink, and I still think one day I'll have the courage to actually do so. But for now, I talk to my husband. About everything. (Sorry babe.) Not some things, not the things I think he'll want to hear, not the nice stuff everyone likes to listen to. EVERYTHING. (Down to how many bm's I've had for the day. Yes, I'm referring to poop, again.)

I realized though that I am not talking to you. Yes, YOU. My readers. I haven't been sharing everything like I usually do. Mostly because I'm still very confused as to what is going on in this head of mine. Every part of me wants to continue trying to have kids. My brain however has been in overload. I can no longer handle the stress and realm of everything we have endured. My brain has simply given up. Shut down. Closed for business. One moment I was cooking dinner on the stove, the next I was a blubbering idiot sobbing on my husband's shoulder.

I've given up.

I'm not sure for how long.

I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here.

I'm not sure what I can physically and emotionally handle anymore.

I feel like I have been trudging along with the realization that one day I would get what I want.

I no longer have that unquestionable thought that I'll have a biological child.

I no longer know where or how my kids will be conceived.

I've just simply given up.

Sometimes the best thing you can do, is throw your hands in the air and surrender. It's probably the bravest most powerful thing I've done. After all, we have no control over these things. We have no way of knowing how our life is meant to go. We simply try. We attempt to make things the way we want them as best as we can.

I hope that I can have kids.

I hope I can be a mother one day.

But for now, I'm surrendering.

My white flag is up.

I will continue living my life, not obsessed with the idea of having children. I will fill my time with the things that I love. Family. Friends. Hiking. Wine. Working out. Yoga. Food. Cooking. Hugs. Walks. Reading.  Fuzzy blankets. Traveling. I hope one day I will know what the next step is to be. Because, right now, I don't know.

What I do know, is that I love my husband, more now than ever before. I know I "know" him as best as you can truly know a person. These 7 years have been hell, but we're still smiling. And if my life is meant to be lived beside him and nothing else, I am okay with that. I am blessed to have that. He is my best friend, biggest supporter and best protector. And I am the luckiest girl in the world to have his love.

So for now, I'm going to continue being selfish and bask in the thought of my upcoming week in the Caribbean. Let's all pray and send positive thoughts that the forecasted rain is just a big hoax. I would greatly appreciate it.

11 days and counting......


  1. I'm with ya! Kind of emotionally and mentally on the brink... Relax, enjoy, focus on you! Have a great time on your trip!

    1. Thank you. It's been a long road. Finally realizing things. If you ever need to chat, you know where I am.