Monday, May 7, 2012

Is it a sign?

This morning, I tossed and turned for a good 3 hours. It seems to be happening more and more often. Originally I believed it was my giddy, school girl excitement for our upcoming trip. Which yes, I still blame partially for the early morning tossing sessions.

But this morning I awoke around 5am, but then quickly fell back to sleep. I woke around 6:30 and began to foggily (is that a word?) remember what I had just dreamed. And as I did, a slow and creeping smile spread its self across my face. There I sat, staring at my son. He had a bald head covered in peach fuzz, the start of his blue eyes turning brown, a slight pug nose similar to mine, slightly squinty eyes like my husband's and the fattest cheeks you've ever seen. His pudgy milky arms kept reaching up to touch my lips as I made a fish face at him. This wasn't a child I had lost and was finally meeting in heaven. This wasn't a child I'd never have. This was a child I have yet to meet. Have yet to deliver.

My life was at the point it's at now, only a year or so later. I had all the feelings of infertility consuming me. I knew I had struggled to get here. I knew this was my only child to be. He was it. My son. My husband was sitting next to me, but was not as engrossed as I was. For he had already accepted our son as real. I on the other hand, seemed to be just taking it all in for the very first time.

As I stared at this beautiful 6 month old boy, I felt at peace. Every weight, concern, anger, anxiety I ever had about conceiving was gone. I knew he had been a surprise.

When I truly started to grasp the depth of this dream, I began to wonder. Or better yet, feel as though this was a sign. (I'm a strong believer in signs, and when you need one, they appear. They always have.) I've surrendered, as I stated recently. I've surrendered to the possibility that I may not have children of my own. I'm in the middle of a much needed break. I've stopped charting, monitoring and hoping.

And I know I've said this before, but sometimes to get what you really want need, you must stop trying to control it and simply surrender yourself to fate.

Was this dream my sign?

Was this supposed to push me to give it one more month?

Or did this all just come to the surface because I've been suppressing it for a month?

Whatever it's meaning, I hope it is a glimpse into the future. I can still see his beautiful face.....

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