Peace

I feel like I need to make a correction to my last post:

It is difficult to be happy for people I don't know, it is far easier to be happy for friends and family who are expecting.

I had the pleasure of meeting the newest addition to our family on Sunday. Baby Hannah is absolutely beautiful! It's been a good year and a half since we've had a newborn in the family (for our family, that's a long time). It's amazing to see just how little they really are. Cute as a button and radiates heat when you hold her. (Which did not stop me from stealing her for a good hour to snuggle.)

As I'm holding this precious little girl in my arms, embracing the sweet powder smell, I am at peace. I'm not upset, emotional, hurt, nothing. Not one ounce of jealousy is raising through my head. I am calm, happy for my cousin and her family.

Baby Hannah has some how renewed my hopes and prepared me for the next round of IVF. I am going to continue to assume that the little lady has given us some luck.

A week from today I begin the second round of Lupron. Please continue to pray for us as we attempt this again.

Babies, Babies Everywhere

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with infertility, is listening to everyone else tell you their pregnant. No matter how happy you want to be for the person telling you, there's a little piece of you screaming inside.

We attended a house warming this past weekend for a college friend. Standing in their beautifully finished basement mingling with some people we didn't know, in walks another couple. She was glowing, wrapped in a chocolate brown shrug and leggings. She unwraps the shrug to reveal a 4 month baby bump. I have never met this girl in my life, but I am instantly crushed. I fake a believable smile and say congratulations. Her cheerful husband than states the one line that's like a stake in a vampires heart "it only took one month!".

I some how managed to listen to them discuss their excitement, the names they picked out, how quickly it happened, blah blah blah. I last about 5 minutes. My husband continuously looking in my direction every 30 seconds to be sure I wasn't going to break down. I finally eloquently pull myself away from the conversation, my husband right behind. Quick to give me a squeeze and ensure I'm okay.

I can't express how wonderful he has been to me. I know this is hard on him too, but he continuously surprises me. We were sitting alone in our room the other day, tears in my eyes blubbering "it isn't fair". He replies "Nothings fair. But do you think any couple is as lucky as we are? Who has the relationship we do?" That man is my heart.

Oh the waiting....

This week has flown by! Between working, yoga, working out, seeing friends and family, I can't believe it's already Friday. My mood has improved dramatically since the Lupron has left my system and I'm seeing the positives from the first attempt. Positive: I can have some wine tonight with a very dear friend. I can go zip lining, mountain biking and enjoy some more wine next weekend up north. My skinny jeans fit and I'm not running home to put my pj's on everyday. I'd say that's cause for celebration!

Is it crazy to think about starting a new career while trying to conceive? Health is something I've definitely been thinking alot about lately. It amazes me how little people really know about nutrition and the importance of eating healthy. I want to enlighten people, I want to share what I know. I want to learn more about it! I feel like a kid lately, thriving for knowledge. The older I get, the more I want to learn. I think I'm going to become one of those crazy people who makes a list of goals for a year, like the wife in "Marley And Me". Maybe that will help me to stay focused and optimistic.

Any thoughts?

Feeling Like Myself Again

After a very disappointing Sunday and a pretty somber Monday, you'd think I would still be down. However, hubby let me cry it out last night, and this morning I woke up feeling refreshed! As I'm walking to the bathroom for my morning pee, I start feeling ridiculously painful cramps. She has arrived! Thankfully I did not have to wait long. I did wait to call my nurse though, sometimes these things can be misleading. Fortunately, Flo has definitely arrived. (Never thought I'd be happy to see her.)

Only two days off of Lupron and I'm already starting to feel like myself. Thank the Lord I do not have to go back on the pill. My nurse still seems to think I'm crazy, but the pill makes me form cysts. So if I can avoid that step, sorry lady, but I'm taking it.

This cycles plan: wait 21 days, bloodwork, then begin Lupron. After about 8-10 days, more bloodwork and ultrasound to determine if I can start the Gonal F. Take that for about 8-12 days, with continuous monitoring. Once we have the go ahead, last injection, then egg retrieval, then implant.

Please say a prayer that this cycle goes smoothly. I start yoga classes tomorrow to hopefully calm my nerves a bit. Anyone familiar with hypnobirthing? I'd love to hear your stories!

PS-Thank you everyone for your continued support! We have been overwhelmed with the feed back and touching stories people have shared. We are so blessed to have such an amazing support system! As promised, I will keep you up to date on everything that's happening.

Disappointment

I crawl out of bed Sunday morning, throw some clothes on and run out the door for a doctor's appointment. I drive myself to Lexington (first time in the standard) and managed to stall twice. I arrive 5 minutes early to find about 12 other women sitting in the waiting room for their blood work and ultrasounds to be done as well. Pretty normal, because the techs seem to work quickly. Apparently that was not the case on this day.

They are quick to draw my blood, but the nurse mentions that the ultrasound tech is running behind due to an emergency this morning. So I assume maybe 30 mins late? Nope, they were running 90 mins late! The upside to waiting, the 5 other women in the waiting room were all just as annoyed as I was so we all got to chatting.

It was comforting to be able to discuss openly what we were all feeling and going through. I must say, leaving 6 women hopped up on hormones alone, and frustrated in a waiting room, is never a good idea! However, we made best of the situation.

After two hours of waiting, I was finally out of there. I headed home to meet up with my in laws to then drive to see hubby helping out a friend at a car show. I was there for about 30 mins before I get the phone call from my nursing team. I am then informed that I have several small cysts on my left ovary and three decent size cysts on my right. A 10mm, 24 mm and a 32mm cyst. My hormone levels are also elevated indicating that I some how managed to ovulate through the Lupron, which is not supposed to happen! What does that mean? I have to stop taking the Lupron, wait for Aunt Flo to show up, then start all over again!

I fight back the tears while on the phone, but as soon as I hang up, the waterworks turn on. My husband is right there to comfort me, but I just keep crying. More waiting. Another three weeks before we can even think about starting the Lupron again. Can anything go according to plan?

Crawling Out Of My Skin

I am physically exhausted yet I can't calm myself down. Everything is bothering me today. I'm annoyed and I feel like every comment my husband makes, is criticism. I realize it's all in my head, but I still can't calm down. We went for a long bike ride this morning, thinking it would help. It did a little, but I'm still irritable. No matter what I do, I'm annoyed. I want to crawl out of my skin, that seems like the only relief I can get.

I'm starting to worry about tomorrow's appointment. If the cysts haven't depleted, we will be set back even more time. I'm tired of the waiting and not knowing! One year off the pill, and one year trying has made for lots of sex and very disappointing periods. The not knowing is torture. It aches inside, in the pit of my stomach that this has to take so long. I'm praying that this is the first and only time we will have to go through this. I don't know how much stronger I can be.

First Week of Lupron

While entertaining dinner guests at our house, I have to pull myself away for my first injection of Lupron. I've watched the video, I know how to fill the syringe, I know the amount and I know where to inject. But nothing prepares you to actually stick a needle in your body! My friend joined me for this little adventure, wondering what it was I would have to do.

I'm holding the needle in my left hand, hovering over my right arm and it hits me: I can't do this! Unsuspecting friend had offered to assist prior to my hesitation. I look up and almost throw the needle at her saying "YOU DO IT". She grabs the needle and it quickly plunges into my arm and immediately leaves. Thank goodness for friends!

The injection sight burns a little for the first couple of minutes but then passes. We return to the dinner party. Within a half hour my face is on fire! I'm not talking "glass of wine, little warm in here". I'm talking third degree burn feeling! I'm tomato red from my neck to forehead. I can't cool down! I literally put my face in the freezer which only helps for the moment. I then try ice packs on my cheeks, relief!!!

Over the next couple days the side affects really start to kick in. (I have a new found respect for any woman going through menopause!) I can't stay focused on anything! My face is continual at red alarm stage, and I am yelling at my poor husband for no reason. Irritable. Bloated. Swollen. TIRED. I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. On top of all of this, I'm learning how to drive a standard.

After a week, the emotions start to take over. I can feel my eyes swelling for no reason at all. And that's where I am now. Almost two weeks in. Just had a follow up blood work and ultrasound to determine if we are ready to start the Gonal F. My ovaries have sprouted cysts (shocking), and my estrogen levels are two high. Another five days, another round of blood work and interior ultrasounds to see if we can begin then. Saying a prayer the cysts depleted and my crazy hormones are in check so we can get moving.

First Appointment

Sitting patiently in the doctor's office, my husband and I nervously await our test results. As suspected, IVF it is. The doctor begins going over all the paper work, which is basically like signing a mortgage. Birth control pill for 3 weeks, 3 sets of injections to be taken over a month's worth of time, egg retrieval and implantation. Awesome. The girl petrified of needles gets to inject herself at least once a day.


My husband of course, who enjoys anything to do with the medical profession, is actually excited. He throws his arm in the air then slams it down to his leg, imitating how the shot will go. Our doctor turns to me and says "Note to self: do not allow your husband to do the injections!". That lightened the mood a little.

I must say, we have had a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing. We try to take things in the best way possible: humorously. Sometimes, that's the only way to deal with this.

The truth is, I'm not terribly surprised that we ended up here. I had had several surgeries on my ovaries when I was in college. I've always had this fear in the back of my mind. Intuition is probably a better word to use than fear.

Just a quick note: Most people who hear IVF, immediately think of multiple births. Thankfully, the doctor put our worries to rest. You are more likely to have multiples by doing IUI (insemination) vs IVF. With IVF they can control the number of embryos implanted. Although I continue to have this strange feeling that we'll be having twins. I've dreamt about it and I just feel it. I don't feel like I am going to go through this cycle again. Only time will tell.

Prelude

My husband and I have always known we wanted to have children. (Although we didn't realize it would be this difficult.) I come from a large family that procreates like rabbits, so after over a year of trying, we knew something was wrong. Tests concluded we were candidates for IVF. Knowing this was our only option, we took it.

My sister-in-law suggested writing a blog about our cycle. So here I am. I credit the name to her as well. "eat, scream cry", it's about all I want to do right now. I hope in some way, this may help other women going through the same thing I am. Happy reading!