Yes, I'm Selfish. Feel free to be jealous.

Nothings happening. No seriously, nothings happening. 


I'm pretty boring right now to be honest. I did however have a refreshing conversation last night with another gal struggling kicking infertility's ass. You can all pretend to understand what comes with not being able to get pregnant. You can sympathize, tell me you're there for me, and all that other shit. But let's be honest, you have no clue as to what happens in this big ole noggin of mine. You can't grasp the depth of conflicting emotions and frustrations that come with trying really "hard" to get pregnant (get the joke?). That is why I love talking to other ladies in the same boat. 


So last night, after failing to listen to a voicemail for a week because I suck, I finally returned a phone call. As we started discussing the treatment plans we have both been given, it came to my attention that doctors really have no idea what they are doing. For example, her doctor has been telling her that stress plays absolutely no factor in trying to conceive. However, Dr. C and Nurse Creighton have informed me that our ovulatory systems shut down when we experience a high volume of stress. And no I don't mean stress of paying bills and other super annoying things in life. Unexpected stress that throws you completely off your game. Our pituitary gland that controls the release of our eggs every month tells the ovary "Now's not a good time ladies". Therefore shutting down the system and pretty much putting it in hibernation. Your body will eventually perk back up and your pittuitary gland will give the launch code and that poignant abdominal pain will kick in releasing an egg. So why the hell don't more doctors know about this?


We continued chatting and sharing stories of the conflicting advise we've received. No hold onto your britches people, but I finally was able to say out loud:


I have finally come to terms that I may never have a child. And I really think I'm okay with that.


And it's true. Although I have seen vast improvements in my cycle this month, there's always a chance that for whatever reason, my body can't handle a pregnancy. It only took me 2 years and 8 months to get to this point. And to be honest, I really think I'm capable to handling that outcome. 


There's always been this huge longing in me to be a mom. But then there's this really selfish part of me that loves my life right now. I love coming home after work, changing into my gym clothes and running out the door. Or leaving work to cruise some shops for things I couldn't possibly need. I love sleep, I need sleep, at least 8-9 hours. That ain't happenin' with a baby in the house. Do I really want to run around chasing a toddler all day? Do I have the patience to nurture a child? I can barely handle a dog. I see other moms, and between you and I, I have no clue how they do it. Between the baby talk, naps, feedings, tantrums, and Lord knows what else, I can't see how I'd be cut out for that. Yet I love kids, and would love to have my own. 


For that past year, I've kept that to myself. It was nice to finally talk to someone trying so hard to get pregnant who keeps asking them self the same question. I'm fighting so hard for something, but what am I fighting for? So I've surrendered. I'm giving up. I'm still trying, but I'm giving up. I will partake in timed intercourse and continue to track my cycle. But in no way am I forcing my body to make a child. Let's face it, I can't control whether or not I can have a kid. So I'm done trying. I am doing the one thing my doctor suggested:


RELAX.


So that's my plan. I am going to be oober selfish, I'm going to eat well, drink wine, work out hardcore, hike, backpack, vacation, bike, and do whatever the hell I want while I can. And if we're blessed with a child, I will follow the best advice I've been given:


"You don't change your entire life because you have a kid. You incorporate your child into your life." -Thanks Momma Fournier


~And for those of you who keep saying not to have an only child, I'm pretty sure I can't control that, so please stop the comments. They are no longer welcome. 

Never Forgotten

Last night was one of those nights I probably scared the bejesus out of my poor husband. This is the third time this year I've been drawn to Facebook at a strange time to, low and behold, find devastating news of someone passing. The first being my grandmother (whom my cousin's posted loving prayers for prior to receiving the call), the second a childhood classmate and the third yet again, another childhood classmate. 


Strangely enough my husband and his friend have had several conversations on dying and the fear of being forgotten lately. In these days of social media and cell phones, I find it hard to believe that anyone can be forgotten. Obviously my grandmother is someone who's always on my mind and I think of every day. Friends that I've grown up with and lost touch with though, you'd think wouldn't have the same affect. In most ways it's different, but in many, the same. Loss is something we can not control and never expect. Even when you're standing next to the person when they take their last breath, you can never fully prepare for that person to no longer be in your life. Whether you see them everyday, or they're a treasured memory from your past.


Growing up in a fairly small southern New Hampshire town, everyone knew everyone. Although we were all thrown together after 5 years in separate elementary schools, our class was close. They may have been cliquey, not everyone got along, (and I couldn't wait to get out of there), but you knew them all the same. It's frightening to think that those memories are now just simply that: memories. The two girls who have passed were both close friends of mine at some point in my life. But how is it that 10 years later their passing can still hit me and knock me off my feet. I feel like a hypocrite posting prayers and thoughts for their family and close friends when I haven't had contact with them in years. Knowing that their lives have abruptly changed and their families will forever mourn their passing. Their loss is so much greater than mine, how can it even compare. But there's something earth shattering about losing a class mate as well. Something that touches a part of you that you can't explain. As I get older, they are becoming less of a rare-occerance and now something I'm beginning to expect. 


Although my husband's fears have been affecting my mind, moments like yesterday affect me the most. They remind me that life is too short to stress about things you can not control. One moment you are here, and the next you're simply a memory. I'm hoping I can start living my life one day at a time and stop planning ahead. I hope the passing of these amazing women will not hold anyone else's life back but make them cherish their memories and moments even more. I know they have for me. I may not have spoken to them in years, but they are still remembered and will never be forgotten.


And as hypocritical as I may feel for saying it, I truly mean what I say: you are all in my thoughts and prayers as you mourn the loss of your family member or close friend. Marlena was always a bright smiling face and I can honestly say I do not remember one negative thing about her. She was someone that no matter where life had taken us through school, she would always say hello. I remember her fondly as well as her family. I can't imagine the grief that they are feeling. My heart is heavy for you all. May she rest in peace.

The Right Mind

I had heard from several friends that struggled to get pregnant, that after they started seeing a chiropractor, they were able to conceive. (Oh the things we'll believe.) Well this months been unsuccessful, but not from lack of trying. Ha ha. I finally got to see my wonderful chiropractor after a month. The first thing I'm asked "How's your stress level?" Funny you should ask, I'm not pregnant, I'm doing 2 full time jobs at once, I'm solely responsible for the launch of our E-Commerce site and the redesign of the company's websites. Stress?! What stress?! I don't think I'm stressed.

So what does stress really do to us? A question I'm forever trying to understand. For someone who's aware of their body and the sensitivity that possess it, I'm starting to see first hand how it's affecting me. I've gained 10lbs in 3 months. Seriously?! Where the f*ck did that come from? Yes, I had a surgery and was sitting on my ass for a month, but 10lbs, really?! Granted, my eating habits have not been stellar lately either. All my weight seems to accumulate around my stomach, ass and thighs. I know, common for women. But it puts a serious damper on wearing skirts. Chub rub has now become my new best friend. 

My next investment and potential new best friend. 

Where have you been all my life?!

My serious lack of motivation has been holding me back from returning to the gym. Ah, the dreaded gym. I can't figure out what I want to do with my time. For two days I was dead set on joining a CrossFit class about a mile from my house, but that started to sound like too much work. And the idea of heavy lifting and aggressive movements while trying to get pregnant seemed like I'd just be adding more stress. So then I visited the gym across the street. Eh, same old boring machines. What to do, what to do..... I miss yoga. I truly felt my happiest and healthiest when I was practicing yoga. But the closest place is really pricey and the one 25 mins away of course is the one half the price. 

Hopefully me soon.

So hubby came up with the idea that he was going to help motivate me. Such a sweetie that hubby. So he found the P90x DVDs and insisted we start doing them together before work. Thus helping my endorphins build in the am as recommended by Dr.C. So last night we found the schedule and set our alarms for 5:15am. (yuck)  For those of you who know me, I tend to fall asleep around 9 or 10pm. To my surprise, I crawled into bed at 11 and was wide awake. Tried to read...no help. Tried to read a boring book...no help. Eyes finally closed at 11:45. Opened at 2:15. Closed at 2:30. Opened at 4. Closed at 4:30. At this point I said f*ck it, turned off my alarm. Continued to wake up at 5, 5:30, 6, 6:45. Worst night sleep. Awesome. For two nights in a row, I have slept like crap. 


So now I'm really motivated to start working out. I sleep so much better when I've put in a good workout. And that doesn't mean I have to sweat my ass off or lift crazy amounts of weights. 30-60 mins of cardio or any type of movement makes a huge difference in my sleeping pattern. Those 30-60 mins allow me to clear my head, work out my stress and feel human again. Something I've been lacking. Now recommended by Dr. C and my chiro, I need to be of right mind. They suggested a vacation, and trust me, I'm working on that. But for the time being, I'm going to workout, I'm going to eat more vegetables, and I'm going to stop letting work stress me out. Three simple things that will hopefully make a huge difference.


PS- Netflix on demand has a couple great National Geographic programs I just watched yesterday (while sitting on my fat ass not working out). I highly recommend them. The stress one was very informative. 

Other goals: cook more while listening to music. 

One of the only things that takes my mind off everything else.

Informed

How has a week already gone by? I swear I just left my appointment with Dr C, however that was now a week ago. Time seems to be flying by lately. I look up, and it's August. How? Anyways, I think I'm still slightly in shock as to how well the appointment actually went last Tuesday. For months my cycle has been abnormal, last month with a cyst and two months before that dealing with a chemical pregnancy. All in all my charting has been all over the place. Super long mucus cycles, clotting, barely there periods.....too many things to list.


In my amazement, this cycle, oddly enough that started the day of my surgery, has been the most normal in months! Dr C was pretty amazed too. Usually they advise you to wait a month before "trying" again. However he said "Don't pass up this month, go home and try if you're comfortable." He proceeded to go over the blood work he had me doing timed with my previous cycle. He found 8 causes of concern from one blood draw! 8! Nothing serious that couldn't be fixed. However there was one thing that was causing everything else. 


For some reason my immune system is very low. (No shocker there seeing as I get sick very easily.) Because my immune system is low, my t-cell count was not up to par. The t-cells work as "Pacmen" (you know, the video game) and they target the endomeitriosis tissue and kill it when it shows up where it shouldn't be. When t-cells can't do their job, your antibodies step up and kill anything resembling the tissue. Meaning they can attack your uterine lining, ovaries and some times your pituitary gland, which mine was. Your pittuitary gland controls your ovulation letting your ovary know it's time to release it's egg. It also controls your thyroid. Because it was attacking my thyroid as well, it caused my levels to elevate resulting in hypothyroidism. I started on Levothyroxine a couple days after surgery. 


Dr C also gave me a Rx for Low Dose Naltrexone, an endorphin blocker usually used for alcoholics and heroine addicts. He said to be prepared for a funny look from the pharmacist. So because my t-cells are low and my immune system is not functioning properly, apparently that indicates low endorphins. Why, might you ask, would he put me on and endorphin blocker then? The blocker is taken at night, right before bed. Your endorphins build up as you sleep and spike right before you wake. As the day progresses, they continuously drop. Mine aren't building up properly. The Naltrexone allows me to not build any until mid night sleep that way they will last longer during the day. You start with a very low dose and build up over a month. This will hopefully allow them to build back up to a healthy level. I should only need to take it for about 6 months. At that time my immune system should no longer be under attack, nor should my thyroid. So there is an end in site. The other 6 causes of concern in the blood work stemmed from these issues and are already being corrected. 


As for now, my job is to:
1. stay stress free
2. work out 4 times a week
3. sleep with socks on
4. eat more fish and cheese
5. have planned intercourse, I prefer to use the term lots of love making ;)
6. keep the same diet, except for the add ins of course
7. sleep in pitch black room
8. continue taking magnesium, prenatal, D3
9. only take B6 during peak mucus or ovulation time


For those of you who pee on stick everyday, sometimes twice a day like me, I highly recommend purchasing the single test strips. They are far less expensive and produce much less waste. Click the link below to see Amazon.com's recommendations. Your wallet and husband will thank you!
http://www.amazon.com/Wondfo-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-50-count/dp/B004AOMAOG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1312382495&sr=8-2

Past Due

The last few weeks my mind has been flooded with thoughts of preparing for a newborn, getting ready to deliver, getting the condo ready for baby. I have to remind myself that the body and mind never forget. Even though I just had surgery and am focused on healing, my mind keeps relapsing to the fact I should be in labor. No matter how much I try not to focus my attention on the little one that I've lost, I never really do. Especially those landmark days that were supposed to have special meaning to them.


October 31st: the day we conceived.
November 24th:  the day we saw his heart beat. (I still feel like he was a boy.)
December 23rd:  the day we miscarried.
July 24th:  our previous due date.


I was really thinking that Sunday would be a treacherous day that I would hide in bed and blow through about 12 boxes of tissues. Thankfully I have great friends and the most fantastic hubby who kept my mind busy to the point I only had one break down. Brought on by a family cookout on Saturday. I love how hopeful my family has been, but there are points that I have my doubts. And Saturday was one of those days. Knowing I should be swollen with child, but I'm swollen with scars, I kept thinking that maybe it's not in our cards. Maybe having our own children was just not going to happen. And I've come to accept that that is a possibility.


After my melt down in the kitchen with my mother in law, we spent the evening in Cambridge watching Hall Pass and eating Chinese food. We woke up Sunday with plans to visit my sisters, but that quickly changed when my nephews were not happy campers. So we hung around and decided to walk to Newbury Street for a relaxing afternoon strolling through the stores. We headed to Boylston Street and hit up Cactus Club for lunch. After a leisurely meal filled with guacamole,tacos and a gallon of water, we strolled back to Cambridge along the Charles. Starting to feel sentimental again, hubby and I walked hand in hand. Discussed moving to the city, which my husband despises the idea, but I've always wanted to try it. Talked about how nice it would be to wake up every weekend and stroll the Charles, walk to lunch, picnic under a tree.

Reality snapped back in at some point, realizing all of our friends are now moving out of the city and the fact that procreating is on the top of our list. (Raising children in the city is not optimal in our opinion.) But I'm at the point where I don't want to keep planning my life around having a child. The past 2 and 1/2 years have been filled with baby plans, preparing my body for the most nutritious pregnancy and figuring out how to afford this possible child. But nothing has worked out, nor gone as planned. So I've pretty much threw my hands in the air and succumbed to the fact that it will happen when it's supposed to happen and that I have no control over it.

Things seem to always work out once I give up. That's what always confirms that there has to be something greater out there, for me. Once I stop trying to control things and give in to the fact that I can't, things work out. Amazingly enough, just 2 weeks after surgery and 1.5 weeks on my new thyroid meds, I've already noticed changes, good changes. I'm no longer falling asleep on the sofa at 9pm, I don't yawn all day long and feel like I'm dragging through the day, I actually get hungry now and feel full (which never used to happen), and to top all of it off: my mucus has changed for the better! I used to only maybe see one day of clear mucus that indicates ovulation. The last three days I have had peak type mucus, a strong indicator that my body is preparing to ovulate, or already has. Fabulous sign that my system may finally be working properly!

Post Op

I realize I'm pretty late with giving you an update, however being on the sofa for 4 days straight left me with very little motivation.

I woke up Wednesday morning starving as usual but not able to eat or drink a thing. So my tummy was rumbling from moment one. I took a nice long shower knowing I would be stewing in my own filth for the next 3 days. Hubby and I hopped in the toaster (Honda Element) with pillows, blankets and a cooler filled with coconut water, Gatorade, bananas and some bread. (Assuming I'd be starving still and quite thirsty after surgery.)

We arrived at Sturdy Hospital in Attleboro 30 mins before we were supposed to and greeted at the ER by free valet. Perfect way to start the day! Talk about an efficient hospital. The longest wait we had was registration, which we only sat for 2 mins. Filled out the paperwork and headed to the lab for pre op bloodwork. Again, sat for a couple minutes and headed right in. Of course the day I can't eat or drink they require 4 vials of blood. Last time I had 6 on an empty stomach it took me 45 mins to recover, being on the verge of passing out the entire time. After supplying them with the smallest amount of pee known to man, we were directed to Day Care Surgery. Which in my opinion is the strangest name. I always picture a day care filled with screaming children who's parents are in surgery. Anyways, the friendliest, slowest moving elderly woman volunteer escorts us about 10 feet to the check in desk, then shows us another 12 feet to the waiting room.

A very friendly female nurse with bleach blond hair brings me to a changing room. She politely asks if the surgery is for fertility, which I kindly responded yes. She then goes on to explain her mother had the same surgery to conceive her many years ago. "God works in mysterious ways." she said. "Stay positive, it will happen." The "johnny" she hands me is about 3 sizes too big. However it has attachments and insulation that hooks up to a heater. Heaven! A few minutes later I'm brought to my gurney and lay myself down. Thinking it's going to be a long wait seeing as we're early, the nurse turns on my own private tv. Ellen calmed my nerves for the next hour. Unfortunately, Dr. P was running behind: assisting a C-section and waiting on the arrival of twins who were adamant on arriving prior to my surgery. We were scheduled for 11:30am, but didn't get in until about 12-12:30.

I'm always taken back by how quickly the "relaxer" IV kicks in. My eyes immediately felt heavy. I can hardly remember being wheeled away from Hubby, or moving to the surgical gurney. I woke up with my eyes flashing open, then close. What felt like an hour, probably was. Coming in and out until my nurse asked "Are you awake, or do you need to sleep more?" I some how managed to mumble "need...to...sleep...mo..." and I'm out. At some point I finally awoke for good. Hubby greets me in the post op area. Surgery was successful. Dr. P removed alot of scar tissue from my previous surgery. There was endo on my bowels and intestines that he was able to remove as well. Only stage 1 or 2 though. Being the sweetheart that he is, Dr. P quickly popped in before his next surgery to discuss everything that happened.




On the ride home, sunny skies turned into dark ominous clouds. Pouring rain with the sun still shining, I knew there had to be a rainbow. Low and behold, outside my window was a faded, quickly disappearing rainbow. For any spiritual readers of mine, the rainbow is a sign from heaven. Being my grandfather's birthday, I'm assuming it was a sign from him trying to calm my fears.

The next few days weren't as bad as expected. I was given a Percoset prior to leaving the hospital along with a Rx. The nurse explained that the gas they pumped into my stomach will be the most painful part. Taking 3-4 days to absorb in my body, the gas rises and causes some intense pain. (Having already known the feeling, I was looking forward to it.) We didn't fill the Rx right away, I am not a fan of Percoset nor any real pain killers. Dr. P had left me with 1-2L of fluid in my abdomen as well. Apparently letting the tissue float in fluid keeps from scar tissue building up. This can tak 2-3 days for the body to absorb. Friday came along with a grease ball of hair on my head. Hubby got home from work and I begged for a shower. It took me a good 20 mins to remove the bandages. (Most of the 20 mins was telling myself I wasn't going to pass out or hurl.) I must say, all in all the pain hasn't been too bad. Ibuprofen and ice packs took away the majority of it.

This morning hubby and I slept in. After 4 days on the sofa and countless hours of My So Called Life, I was adamant on going out to breakfast. A local farm that we adore, who every waitress knows us by name was top choice of course. With a long deck over looking their apple orchards, we sat. The waitress came up asking where hubby's parents were today (who usually dine with us). Then said "So when are you two going to have some kids?" Normally this would have made me pretty emotional, sad and annoyed that someone would bring it up. Today was different. "You two are going to have the most adorable kids, I can't wait to see them!"

Neither can I!

Everybody Poops

Let's face it, everybody poops. It's parting of being alive.

So here I am, sitting on my sofa doing a "bowel prep" before my surgery tomorrow. Which basically means I'm a pooping machine today. Having already had a colonoscopy at the ripe age of 27, this is not my first bowel prep. However, your mind kind of blocks out what the last one was like. But thankfully I'm not drinking the jug of salt water that makes you heave every time you smell it. I must say, magnesium citrate is the way to go to flush out your system. Pop it in some hot chamomile tea with a little lemon juice, you won't taste a thing. However your mind will not let you forget that the tea is going to make you shit your brains out. Best of luck.

As I'm sitting on my sofa waiting for the poop to come, my mother in law phones. Apparently Dr. C left a message that he needs to speak with me as soon as possible and to have him paged if he's with someone. A little bit of panic set in, but I attempted to remain calm and phoned his office. After a 5 minute wait he picks up. The blood work that I had done on Sunday indicated I have yet another ovarian cyst. Not entirely surprised since I've been held up on the sofa all week in pain and the swelling has been ridiculous. The fortunate thing being I have surgery tomorrow. So due to my bowel prep, he recommended holding off on an ultrasound and calling the surgeon's office to inform them.

The other unfortunate thing being the blood work also revealed I have hypothyroidism. Shocker. It runs in my family. Symptoms: brittle nails & hair, dry flaky skin, cold sensitivity, weight gain and fatigue. BUT it can also cause infertility and miscarriage. He simply suggested a synthetic version of the hormone that will help to regulate my system. This is to commence after my surgery followed by blood work after a month to retest my levels. It may take a couple months to find the right dosage, but it should make a difference. 

So as I wait for the surgeon to phone back and the poop to exit my body, I'll continue to starve myself eating only jello and sipping Gatorade while watching the entire first season of My So Called Life.

What else is there to do?

INFO on Hypothyroidism:
The thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland situated in the lower neck just above the collarbones. It secretes hormones that control general metabolism and influences a wide range of other biological functions including body temperature, blood calcium, weight loss, and menstrual periods.Studies show that under active thyroid- hypothyroidism can result in increased risk of miscarriage, premature birth, maternal high blood pressure during pregnancy and pre-eclampsia, a potentially serious condition that develops during the last trimester of pregnancy.