Monday, September 26, 2011


I'm beginning to wonder if my endorphin blocking meds are really helping me. For the past week, I've been waking up extremely tired, and drag my ass through the day, anxiously awaiting the moment I can crawl back under the covers. To be truly honest with all of you, I've battled with spats of depression throughout most of my adolescent and adult life. I've always been able to handle it without meds, mostly working out and eating right. I still have my days when all I want to do is curl up on the couch. And that's what I did last week. At our appointment on Sept 9th, Dr. C had asked if it's possible I'm depressed. My immediate response was no. But I'm starting to second guess that. 

Over all, I'm very happy with my life. My husband has been truly amazing through this. My family is very supportive and those of whom are not, I've let slip away. My real friends have been there every step of the way. I keep myself busy. When I feel myself getting sad, I turn on Adele, blast it through the condo and cook. For some reason, music + cooking = happiness. 
And that is why I love her.

It's one of the only things that can turn my mood right around. Usually working out helps too. However, I'm severely lacking motivation to work out. I did however just realize I've put on 15lbs since last year. NOT OKAY! So back to the gym I go. Hubby also found a Bikram Groupon for me, so back to yoga it is. 

Stick Pose: Mine is actually starting to look like that!

I did manage one breakdown last week. As I was dragging ass to get ready to go to the gym, I turned to hubby who was trying to wait patiently. He could tell something was wrong. (We have that weird, don't need to speak connection.) I blurted out "I'm depressed." And then came the flood of tears. Needless to say, I stayed home. Grabbed a blanket,  Easy A and made myself a somewhat healthy plate of nachos. (Falafel chips, guacamole, onions, peppers, real cheese and Newman's salsa. Yum) I gave myself one pity day. I must say, it helped. Sometimes you need to take a minute to be sad. Wallow in your own misery so that you can pull yourself together and move on. 

Hilarious! I hope to be like her parents.

I've been trying to fool myself with pretending I don't care that we're not pregnant yet. For awhile, I was okay with it. I've been enjoying my freedom and the luxury of coming and going as we please. But we're ready. I'm ready. Without any doubt in my mind, I'm ready to have a family. 

So where's my baby?

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