Celia,
I have written this letter to you because I think other people are too nice and concerned about hurting your feelings to give you critical feedback on the thought process basing your decisions, and because I think that examining your choices within the framework of your purported beliefs and aspirations will allow you to parse out a way forward that is not in conflict with those beliefs and aspirations. Also, acting in ways that are consistent with your ethics (your ethics as you have expressed them in your blog) may relieve the angst and desperation you have reported and will better serve the purpose of your blog, which is to inform others in your situation. Generally, I do not offer my opinion of people’s choices because I do not entertain their opinions of mine, but whereas you have actively solicited feedback by making you choices public I feel compelled to write the following.
I submit to you some things to consider:
You say that you are a vegan in pursuit of a more natural way of living. Veganism has underpinnings in social consciousness and the idea that we, humans, should pursue life in a way that is socially responsible. Given this nod toward supporting the greater good, would it not be socially responsible of you to invest resources (time, energy, money, emotion) into an existing child via adoption rather than sinking resources into the forced creation of a biological child?
You talk of a deep need to be a mother, so wouldn’t you be inclined to parent any child in need of a family? The act of mothering is a selfless devotion to the care and betterment of another person, no matter their age or origin. Your decision to use IVF implies that you are pursuing pregnancy for yourself first and foremost. This pursuit is contradictory to being a mother when opportunities to nurture existing persons abound.
Perhaps you should not feel so bad about the miscarriage. Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life. That you would intervene to mechanically create an embryo outside of the womb and suspend the development of that embryo (via freezing) suggests that you see the embryo as a means to an end and not a life in and of itself. Thus, you lost the precursor to a life, a collection of divided cells, but not a baby, not even a fetus. Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life.
Regarding the transfer of more than 1 embryo, consider that there are increased risks to mother and babies when pregnant with multiples. You have a responsibility to your potential child to not knowingly increase those risks by becoming pregnant with more than one child. You may want to implant the second embryo as an assurance that at least one will survive, but a mother would be less self-serving and choose to implant only one, if use IVF all.
Respectfully,
Christina
The part that still bothers me is about the mourning. Although you are using "scientific" means, I do not believe what you lost are a "collection of divided cell." You can still believe in the "greater good" and whatever Higher power you believe in to know that you are mourning a loss of a life.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting the whole letter, Celia. These are things that people have to think about when making such decisions, and that will help anyone seeking advice from this blog. And for the record, the author did say that these are things for you to consider, or at least expound upon in your blog. The author does not say that these are personal beliefs, but is just pointing out conflicts in the blog. Also, you don't know the details of the author's employment or personal history with fertility, so try not to judge.
ReplyDelete"Perhaps you should not feel so bad about the miscarriage. Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life. That you would intervene to mechanically create an embryo outside of the womb and suspend the development of that embryo (via freezing) suggests that you see the embryo as a means to an end and not a life in and of itself. Thus, you lost the precursor to a life, a collection of divided cells, but not a baby, not even a fetus. Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life."
ReplyDeleteThe QUOTE above from the "Author" is garbage! Words like "perhaps" and "implies" and "suggests" all have basically the same meaning...to indicate or suggest without being explicitly stated. Say what you and mean what you say, Author. Don't hide behind your words for the sake of having a back door out of your statement. Also, I find it very arrogant of you to tell a person what they felt after a miscarriage, "Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life." Simply repulsive!
"Thus, you lost the precursor to a life, a collection of divided cells, but not a baby, not even a fetus. Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life."
ReplyDeleteIn no way is that phrase a view, or something to consider. That is a clear cut statement. I find it ironic that "she" says I am judging the "writer". From what I have been told, the "writer" works for pharma., and from the cryptic messages that have been shared, one would assume that "she" is pregnant. Now whether or not "she" has lived through a miscarriage, I do not know. I pray that "she" has not. But from the written words that "she" felt the need to share, I would guess "she" hasn't. Because if "she" had, "she" would never tell me that I do not mourn the loss of a life. Especially since that life had a heart beat and was living and growing inside of me. Maybe "she" should stop reading my blog, because to be honest, this debate is not worth my time or concern.
Celia - Wow! I just don't even know what to say! Christina is clearly a heartless idiot! I am so sorry and I 100% agree and support what you are doing. Lee and I agree that we would pursue the same path if in your position! I am so sorry that you received that message. You are a strong woman that I truly respect with all that you have survived!
ReplyDeleteSusan