The Big Gaping Hole

I've come to realize that there are two completely different halves to my being. When I was in college, I dreamed of moving to the big city, working for a huge design firm doing Lord knows what, and just living the fabulous single life. Although I never moved to the big city, I did work in design and was moving up the ladder quite rapidly. Even though I loved what I was doing, (besides the long hours, crazy clients and loads of responsibility), I knew something was missing. There was this big, gaping hole that never felt fulfilled.

I see my college friends now branching off, starting their own companies and using art as a means of income. I can not express how truly happy I am for them and part of me wishes I had that much drive. But the other half, the gaping hole half, is finally starting to feel like it's closing, ever so slowly as I get closer and closer to becoming a mom.

I just finished reading "Heaven Is For Real", a little boys story of his journey to heaven. He was just shy of four years old and claims he met Jesus, God, Mary, John the Baptist, his great grandfather and his sister. His sister however had only grown for 2 months in his mothers belly. He did not know of the miscarriage, his mother had been so distraught, they did not want to share of their tragedy with their young son. The mother however found comfort in knowing her daughter was waiting in heaven to meet her.

I found comfort in thar thought, knowing that our unborn child is there waiting for us to meet. Knowing that my family and friends who have passed, just recently my grandmother, are watching over us every day and hopefully watching over our unborn child. When I was pregnant, I was so afraid to love that little being growing inside of me, in fear of what may happen. I was afraid to feel for them in fear I would lose them. But that love is there no matter what, and still is. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, I am always thinking about that little person, the happiness I felt knowing I was going to be a mom, that this little person would be relying on us to guide them through life. To have their chubby little arms, one day wrap around my neck. To smell that sweet powder fresh skin and see them smile for the first time. All of these things out weigh everything else in my life. I already have the most amazing husband, but the moment I feel completely fulfilled will be when I see that smiling child.


(On a side note, I've just double my estrogen pills which are making me super emotional. I spoke with the NaPro doctor, and we have decided to postpone our appointment. I mentioned to him how much the magnesium has helped, he was thrilled. He wished us luck and asked that I update him on how the cycle goes. I like him already.)