Monday, March 28, 2011

Judgy Wudgy Was a Bear...

This past week, after 5 months of blogging, I received my first negative criticism. I'll be honest, I was in tears. Mostly because the estrogen has made me cry every day since doubling the dose. (Yesterday I started the triple dose, so if you're looking for me, I'll be locked in my room until Thursday.) I am in no way surprised that people do not agree with the decisions that I make. However, I do expect them to be respected, as I respect theirs. In no way have I forced my views on anyone, nor would I ever.

If there's one thing I've learned, life is a world of gray; there's simply no black and white. Contradictions is what makes us individuals, our thoughts, ideas and beliefs makes us unique. Whether you believe in mine or not, I simply don't care. This blog is for support, for myself and anyone going through IVF. The decisions that I have made, that WE have made, have not been made lightly. So I ask that they, at the very least, be respected, which this person has failed to do.

I have decided to share with all of you parts of the email. I was going to refrain, but after much debate, I feel inclined to share it. After all, I welcome all opinions, both positive and negative.

Please keep in mind that this was sent by a family member that is currently pregnant who works for a pharmaceutical company.

"Given this nod toward supporting the greater good, would it not be socially responsible of you to invest resources (time, energy, money, emotion) into an existing child via adoption rather than sinking resources into the forced creation of a biological child?"

"You talk of a deep need to be a mother, so wouldn’t you be inclined to parent any child in need of a family? Your decision to use IVF implies that you are pursuing pregnancy for yourself first and foremost." 

"Perhaps you should not feel so bad about the miscarriage. Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life. That you would intervene to mechanically create an embryo outside of the womb and suspend the development of that embryo (via freezing) suggests that you see the embryo as a means to an end and not a life in and of itself. Thus, you lost the precursor to a life, a collection of divided cells, but not a baby, not even a fetus. Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life."

"You may want to implant the second embryo as an assurance that at least one will survive, but a mother would be less self-serving and choose to implant only one, if use IVF all. "

My response: Please don't think you truly know me, by simply reading my blog.

Any comments?


  1. I am stunned. And speechless. And sick to my stomach. And outrageously furious that this person would dare to question your feelings, your intent, your desire. And to say perhaps you should not feel so bad about the miscarriage???? There are no words......

  2. I completely disagree with everything that person said. What is so wrong with wanting to create a child that is biologically yours? Why not try all of your options first which is what you and Chris are doing! Also, to say that you did not mourn the loss of a life (aka the fetus that was growing inside of you) is a completely bullshit comment. And completely untrue. Not only did you mourn the loss of that fetus but so did those supporting you. And your need to want to be a mother is also the same as wanting to experience being pregnant. We are lucky that there ARE scientific measures out there that provide us the opporunity to still do my response to that family member: F*CK YOU!

  3. Cannot even believe the ignorance of that person! Bob and I were livid talking about how completely uncalled for their comments were. That is not right! You have thought long about your decisions. You are doing what is right for you and Chris, and that is all that matters. It is NOT selfish to want a child of your own. F* what that person has to say. All that are close to you saw how your mourned f, as we all did. And we love and support you and Chris!!! xoxo

  4. I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm really mad right now. First of all, and I hope this doesn't further offend you, but I can tell that email had to do with some religious bull shit. Whose business is it to pass judgement on your decisions? I am sure they must know you didn't try to get pregnant twice, and then just say, "you know what? Ivf is waaaaay easier, let's just do that ". It's a huge decision and one I'm sure you guys thought through. Although I am sure you would be a wonderful mother to any child, with all the technological advances, it makes total sense you would want to try for own biological child. And pardon my language but who the f*ck would ever say to someone they supposedly care about that they shouldn't be sad about a miscarriage??? That's probably the stupidest , most insensitive comment I have ever heard. I know I haven't seen you in years, and maybe it's my hormones making me get all Mama Bear about this, but I am in total shock, and if it were me, I would probAbly cut this person out of my life. They obviously don't have your best interest in mind and you don't need that negativity in your life, especially right now. Sorry this was so bitchy but I'm FUMING right now!

  5. The ignorance of some people in this world just continues to surprise me more and more everyday. All I wanted to say is that...if any deserves to have a baby, it is you and Chris. You are going to be fabulous parents and your child is going to be extremely lucky. And it takes a strong woman to be able to go through this process and share it with everyone at the same time. Best of luck!

  6. HYPOCRITE! She clearly is no stranger to science since she pushes drugs on a daily basis and if she desires to be a mother herself then why didn't she look to adopt? No one can say what they would do in your situation unless they too were in it. If she was on the cosby show her name would be RUDY Huxtable because she clearly is as rude as they come.

  7. Celia, you deceive your readers by extracting these phrases from the context of the whole letter. To truly serve your audience, those struggling with infertility, you must lay bare the ethical considerations presented in the letter.  Redacting all but the most critical statements is dishonest and may garner you sympathy, but it is not helpful to readers of your blog. You have done well in chronicling your journey thus far, and you now have an opportunity to tackle more issues. Use the letter as a starting point to tell us more about your decision and how you handled the gray areas. Playing out a personal saga in public is courageous and you have the fortitude to always be honest in representing the whole story.

  8. Christina, Please understand that what you sent was an attack, not an inquiry into my decisions of the "gray areas". You simply laid out how you felt on what I was doing without asking the reasoning behind it. In no way have I deceived my readers by taking out quotes from the letter, they were the most poignant. I don't feel as though I need to justify my decisions in this blog. I write to inform and update my friends and family. My apologies if that was your intent, but in no way was that construed. And if you feel so strongly about it, I'm happy to post the entire letter to clarify to my readers.
    (I did not post your comments out of sympathy. They were posted because it was honest feed back on my blog. Whether or not I agree with them does not matter.)