The Big Gaping Hole

I've come to realize that there are two completely different halves to my being. When I was in college, I dreamed of moving to the big city, working for a huge design firm doing Lord knows what, and just living the fabulous single life. Although I never moved to the big city, I did work in design and was moving up the ladder quite rapidly. Even though I loved what I was doing, (besides the long hours, crazy clients and loads of responsibility), I knew something was missing. There was this big, gaping hole that never felt fulfilled.

I see my college friends now branching off, starting their own companies and using art as a means of income. I can not express how truly happy I am for them and part of me wishes I had that much drive. But the other half, the gaping hole half, is finally starting to feel like it's closing, ever so slowly as I get closer and closer to becoming a mom.

I just finished reading "Heaven Is For Real", a little boys story of his journey to heaven. He was just shy of four years old and claims he met Jesus, God, Mary, John the Baptist, his great grandfather and his sister. His sister however had only grown for 2 months in his mothers belly. He did not know of the miscarriage, his mother had been so distraught, they did not want to share of their tragedy with their young son. The mother however found comfort in knowing her daughter was waiting in heaven to meet her.

I found comfort in thar thought, knowing that our unborn child is there waiting for us to meet. Knowing that my family and friends who have passed, just recently my grandmother, are watching over us every day and hopefully watching over our unborn child. When I was pregnant, I was so afraid to love that little being growing inside of me, in fear of what may happen. I was afraid to feel for them in fear I would lose them. But that love is there no matter what, and still is. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, I am always thinking about that little person, the happiness I felt knowing I was going to be a mom, that this little person would be relying on us to guide them through life. To have their chubby little arms, one day wrap around my neck. To smell that sweet powder fresh skin and see them smile for the first time. All of these things out weigh everything else in my life. I already have the most amazing husband, but the moment I feel completely fulfilled will be when I see that smiling child.


(On a side note, I've just double my estrogen pills which are making me super emotional. I spoke with the NaPro doctor, and we have decided to postpone our appointment. I mentioned to him how much the magnesium has helped, he was thrilled. He wished us luck and asked that I update him on how the cycle goes. I like him already.)

Magnesium Makes a Difference

Having decided not to keep my big mouth shut, I need to apologize to my family, whom I've asked to keep what I'm about to tell you a secret. They know me well enough to know I change my mind at the drop of the hat, so hopefully they won't be too annoyed. We have made the decision to move forward with the next round of IVF. After exploring all our options and the possibilities of every outcome, we think we've made the right decision. We still plan to meet with the NaPro doctor to run some tests on any deficiencies I may have and to be sure everything with me is okay.


Having spoken to both our fertility doctor and the NaPro man, we've had conflicting guidance. The fertility doctor claims all my hormone levels are ideal and she believes the miscarriage was a fluke. The NaPro man thinks there could be an underlying issue that has been overlooked. Being the nosey lady that I am, I really started to research into important vitamins and minerals needed during pregnancy. I know I briefly touched upon this in the past, but I've noticed changes in myself since following the recommended dosages.


If you are not someone comfortable with the discussion of menstruation, I would stop reading now.


Last month my period was a disaster. I bled for 10 straight days and spotted in between, which I believe was a chemical pregnancy. (How do I know that? We had planned intercourse right around ovulation, got my "eggwhites", bled the next day during sex. Cramped and spotted.) A few days later, I picked up some Magnesium tablets and figured, why not give it a shot. I continued to have light white flow up until day 28 of my cycle. Began having two light days of spotting, got my period this morning. (Yay! That means round two can begin of IVF.)


For any of you ladies out there with endomeitriosis, you've probably had brown blood for as long as you can remember and extremely painful cramps. Since the age of 16, my cramps have been unbearable to the point I would spend the first 1-2 days in bed with a heating pad hopped up on motrin, sobbing for no reason and eating every carb I could get my hands on. Since starting the Magnesium, I've actually seen a pretty big change. For example: NO brown blood! I'm back to a healthy bright, dark red. I had cramps for about 3 hours, and now they have passed. There still there, don't get my wrong, but they're no longer mind numbing. Any ladies out there have severe foot cramps? I have gotten them since the age of about 16, coincidence? I think not. Magnesium is stored in our muscles, like water in a reservoir. When there is not enough in our diet, the blood stream steals it from our muscles, thus causing muscle cramps. So if you're trying to get pregnant, try taking the recommended dose of Magnesium along with a prenatal vitamin. Be sure to check that the prenatal has adequate calcium and vitamin D. If not, find a calcium supplement with vitamin D.


So what happens now? We are going to attempt a frozen cycle. We were lucky enough to be able to freeze 2 embryos from our last cycle. As of right now we have signed for 1 embryo transfer. (Still trying to convince hubby to transfer both. Not sure if I'm going to win that one.) Today I started taking 1mg Estrace morning and night which is an estrogen replacement along with 1 baby aspirin a day. I put a call into my doctor, waiting to hear back the next step.

The Big Debate

Over the last couple of weeks I have been debating on whether or not to continue writing. For most couples trying to conceive, they have the element of surprise at their disposal. They get to keep people guessing on whether their trying, pregnant or how far along they are. I haven't had that. I am fortunate in that, I have the most loving and supportive family and husband a girl could ask for. But I haven't been able to keep that big secret of new life and I am feeling a little left out. Knowing our situation is different and that we chose to tell people, I realize I've made my own bed, so to say. So I guess I need to lay in it.

Having gone through a devastating and painful miscarriage, the thought of having that be public once again frightens me. The whole process is frightening to be honest. But, I vowed to be honest in writing this, and I strongly disagree with keeping such a monumental time in life such a secret. I can understand why so many couples do, but at the same time I just don't agree with it. Support is a crucial component in this process and vitally important. Nevermind the information that is shared between women going through IVF. There's always a million questions you want to ask, or want to know the answers to. Sometimes you just need another lady friend to gab with, who truly knows what you're going through. Or, you learn something that you had no idea existed. I honestly had someone tell me after reading about their white flow, "Oh! So that's what that is! I had no idea." Let's be honest ladies, there's too many things that go on in our bodies. And let's face it, how many mom's really want to talk to you about them when you're growing up. Like you'd really listen anyways. If I don't say it, then who will?

I'm going to guess that some of you feel like what I write is too personal and shouldn't be discussed. Tough shit! Find a new blog if you feel that way. This is real life, it's my life, and I never really learned how to keep my mouth shut. (I think I get that from my Dad.)

Honesty is the best policy. That's my motto, I'm going to attempt to stick to it.

Cervical Mucus

So we've pretty much decided that we will be holding off on the next round of IVF for awhile. I've started to really read into the NaPro and the tracking system they use to figure out if my cycle is working correctly. For those of you who know me, you know that I've had some stomach & intestinal issues this past year, along with ovary issues. I can't help but wonder if this is all tied to or effecting everything.

I do want to share what I've learned. (Pardon me if I'm repeating anything.) Women have two flows: their red flow, and their white flow. We all know what the red flow is, however most women don't know about their white flow. Not to be graphic, but for years I've wondered what "that" white stuff is. Apparently, prior to ovulation, several days after you menstruate, woman start to get a white discharge. The consistency changes as your hormone levels change. What you want to look for is a clear, stretchy discharge that is expelled when you ovulate. (Kind of looks like egg whites.) This is the most fertile time during your cycle. (How many of you knew that? Because I sure as hell didn't.) To accurately check your hormone level, a doctor may ask you to take a sample to have tested. To better describe this process:

Right around ovulation (high chance of pregnancy):
At this stage, mucus resembles egg whites. It is the thinnest, clearest and most abundant at this point in the cycle. Finger testing will allow the mucus to stretch quite a ways (several centimeters) before it breaks (if it breaks at all). ) The amount of this thin mucus will steadily increase until you experience your ‘mucus peak’. This is the last day of this period where the chance of conception is high. It is closely tied to ovulation. During this phase, the sperm’s survival rate is higher. It can survive in cervical mucus for up to 72 hours, a significantly longer time than during the rest of the cycle.
http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/cervical-mucus.html

What have I learned? I'm starting to think I only have one truly great day of "fertileness". I am hoping that the NaPro doctor will help me to better understand this process and really explain what I should be looking for. So for the time being, we are trying to fun way to make a baby on my one peak day, and waiting for our appointment with the NaPro man.

Decisions, decisions

On Friday, I drove myself to Lexington for the sonohysterogram. Wednesdays appointment had been moved because for some reason, Aunt Flo decided she wasn't ready to leave. The appointment was quick, much faster than I anticipated. They began with an internal ultrasound just to do a quick peak. Then the nurse practitioner came in. They basically insert a catheter into your uterus and blow up a balloon filled with water. (Which I would like to add, is very painful!) Then they release the balloon and the water. The procedure is done to ensure there are not any abnormalities in the uterus. After about 30 seconds they concluded that everything looks good, no abnormalities.

Saturday, I spent the day shopping for a dress for a black tie wedding. I have never been to a black tie affair, so I made the bride come with me to look. After 6 long hours of shopping and not having any luck, my phone rings as I'm about to leave. The NaProTechnology doctor was phoning to discuss the email I had sent. I had about an hour drive, so I asked that he phone back in 10 mins. We spoke for about 30 mins, going through my medical history and all the issues we've had conceiving. Amazingly, he sounds pretty optimistic that he can help. However, this poses a new problem. We are to start our new IVF cycle in about three weeks, but the NaPro doctor won't be able to see us for about 3 weeks.

During our conversation, he had the same feelings I do: that there's probably something wrong with my cycle. We both agreed that there must be something going on with me that the IVF doctors are missing. He's concerned that I could possibly have endometriosis. (Not the first time I've heard that.) This can cause numerous issues when trying to conceive. He also thinks that these issues with my system are the reason we weren't able to conceive naturally and possibly the reason for the miscarriage. All in all, the conversation went really well. He was in no way trying to pressure me to into seeing him, he seems honest and genuine.

Hubby and I spoke last night and we're pretty sure that we'll be seeing the NaPro doctor before we attempt another round of IVF. It seems silly to start another round while feeling like something else is going on. I don't want to put off the chances of getting pregnant, but I don't want to jeopardize using another embryo is there's underlying concerns. Here's to hoping we are making the right decision.

NaProTECHNOLOGY

Tomorrow is my appointment for sonahystogram. Apparently it is necessary for the insurance to see the results before they will approve a second round of IVF. I still kind of have my period, so I phoned their office to reschedule just in case. Thankfully they are letting me keep the appointment, but reserved a spot for Friday "just in case".


My family, both immediate and extend, has been wonderful. It never seizes to amaze me how much thought, concern and prayers are being said for us every day. I recently got a message from a family member that I found very interesting. They sent me information for a specialist months ago. I'm sad to say, I never looked into it. Assuming we made the best decision to attempt IVF, I disregarded the information. Until now. They so kindly sent me a follow up message the other day stating I should really look into the specialist. So I did.


I've been vegan for almost a year, and have been attempting a more natural approach to life in general. Why I hadn't looked into a more natural approach to fertility, is beyond me. So today, I sat down and researched NaProTechnology. A treatment that is faith based, in doing so, attempts to look at the underlying causes of infertility and a number of other issues. They began this approach more than 20 years ago and have had great success. (The family member who recommended it has not successfully had children of their own. They also informed me that the 6 other couples that they knew of who used it, only one has not had success yet.)


I must say that I am amazed once again. NaProTechnology looks at several concerns. Most being deficiencies in both partners. Instead of me trying to repeat what they so eloquently said, I have copied it below. (Yes, I cheated.)


Infertility is a symptom of underlying disease.  The diseases that cause infertility have a “two-pronged” effect.  They not only hinder the functioning of fertility, but they also cause both short and long-term health problems.  The persistent unwillingness to address infertility problems from this point of view or perspective is one of the major flaws in the current approach to the treatment of infertility.


Fertility problems also carry with them significant emotional sequelae.  This is fairly well recognized by those who work in this field and psychosocial distress  can contribute significantly to the cause of some forms of infertility.


Until 1978, most of the effort in medicine in evaluating and treating women with infertility was placed in trying to identify and treat the underlying causes.  In 1978, in vitro fertilization produced a paradigm shift.  It led to a “skipping over” the causes and this continues up to the present time to be the foundational management approach.  In essence, this is a symptomatic or Band-Aid approach to treatment, not one that gets to the root causes.  When the artificial reproductive technologies began to take hold, now over 25 years ago, diagnostic laparoscopy was in its infancy.  Hormone assessment, while available, was not readily accessible.  Ultrasound technology was still mired in sector scanning and real-time ultrasonography was not yet available.  Selective hysterosalpingography had not yet been developed and the fallopian tubes could not be catheterized.  The Creighton Model FertilityCare™ System began its first Allied Health Education Program for FertilityCare™ Practitioners (FCP) in 1978.  This means of objectively monitoring the biomarkers of the menstrual and fertility cycle was only in its beginning stages.  With the availability of the CrMS, observations of mucus patterns during the course of the menstrual and fertility cycle could be observed for the very first time.  In fact, information obtained by women charting their cycles in this fashion is unique and can only be obtained in this fashion. 


http://www.naprotechnology.com/index.html

I strongly urge anyone else going through any type of infertility treatments, concerns or are experiencing miscarriages, to take a look at their site and contact a physician near you who practices this approach. Anyone who has had success with this method, please share if you are comfortable discussing it. The more we talk about infertility, the more we can learn.

A Much Needed Getaway

Last Saturday afternoon, we packed up the car and headed for the Trapp Family Lodge. As we crossed into Vermont on Rt 89, we became blinded by a pretty intense snow storm that left the highway completely covered. We finally arrived an hour later than expected but cozied up by the fire and had a nice huge glass of wine. After all of the losses our family has endured, we needed a nice long break.

It was a relief to not be pregnant actually. Between all the outdoor activities we did, the wine, the shopping, saunas and hot tubs, I would have missed out on most of it. I finally felt like myself again. My mood has improved drastically and I'm enjoying myself again.

On Thursday morning, I woke up to some spotting. I called my doctor's office, knowing that I would soon be getting my second period (the start of round two). To my disappointment, the nurse I spoke with informed me of a change in plans. Apparently the doctor was not too clear in describing the next IVF round. We were under the impression that on my second period, I would have an exam and then begin all the meds. However, now I am being told that the exam would be first, then results would be sent to the insurance for acceptance of the second round. Meaning the meds won't begin until my third period. At this point, I am so thoroughly annoyed, my attitude changes to the poor nurse, and I insist she phones the doctor to be sure.

I receive a call back about an hour later stating my chart was correct, waiting for period number three. This was our last day in Vermont, and after we headed over to Loon Mtn to meet up with some friends. I continued to get pretty drunk the following few days. Time with friends has helped. I am still beyond annoyed with the length of time this is all taking. Never mind the fact that everyone around me is now having their babies. Don't get my wrong, I'm so happy for all my friends and family that are having children. But there's still this little piece of me that feels like it's missing. That little part that is still tugging away at my insides. And the fact that this continues to take longer and longer is the most draining thing I have every experienced.