Taking a break......I think it's time.

Everyone has a point during their struggle when they throw their hands and the air and say "fuck this". That is where I'm at. Not sure how or why that has now happened, but mentally I am so over this. Hubby and I got home from work Wed night and crashed in bed for a few moments of rest. As we were laying there, I had an epiphany....I'm truly done. I need a break from all of this. I am stressed all the time, between work, trying to be healthy, and doing everything I can to help my body take a pregnancy. I'm not focusing on myself anymore.

Now most people would argue that I should be focusing on everything I can do to get pregnant, if I really want to conceive. But I can't. I can't get this weight off, I'm so focused on relaxing that I've removed myself from physical activity. I don't "feel" healthy anymore. I may be doing really well getting back to being vegan, but I'm still not eating "pristinely", which is when I feel my best. My life is revolving around getting pregnant, and I am physically exhausted from it.

With that said, we are officially on a break (from procreating). I didn't take the Letrozle this month, and I don't plan on taking anything else. I'm giving my body time to heal, relax and get back to being healthy. (I am going to continue taking the Pycnogenol though. I definitely feel a huge difference in my cycle, most of the pain seems to be dissipating.) There's so many things that I have brushed aside that I'm sick of waiting to do. Like hot yoga. Like CrossFit. No more charting either (and staring at the messed up cycle that is me). I'm going to get myself in better shape and enjoy our vacation in May. (Punta Cana countdown: 43 days) I'm going to stop worrying about getting pregnant, and trust that it will happen when it's supposed to. I can't force it, nor control the situation. The more I try to, the more stressed I get, the worse I feel. Healthy Celia = Happy Celia.

As of my previous post and my list of things to do, this is where I currently stand:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.


I think that's a pretty good start for the week. Here's to wine, relaxation and being all around healthy.....

Backing Off.......

It's been 8 days since I've written, and about all I can say is.......blah. I feel awful lately. Which my husband so kindly pointed out. Besides trying to begin eating vegan again, and many failed attempts, I think I'm at my depressed point again. It's continuously up and down. I finally start feeling good about me and where life has gone, and then I find out someone's pregnant. Or I see parents not caring for their kids. Or I remember that I want to be a mom. Whatever it is, it's taxing. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I'm lazy. I'm eating shit. (Not real shit, just crap. You know what I mean.) And I'm not working out as I promised myself I would.

So what's a girl to do? Honestly, I don't know anymore. Family and friends keep pressuring us to look into adoption. Or they ask us for answers that we don't have. Like "What's your plan?". As if we've been doing nothing and need to now decide. Well guess what, I have no fucking idea! So stop asking.

We're living. That's our plan. To make it through another day. To survive the news of one more friend conceiving.  To get through one day without being reminded of the hell we live in. I'm 28 years old, not 45. Yes my biological clock is ticking, but at least the gears haven't stopped.

What would I like to do? I'd like to be left alone. I'd like to not have the subject come up. I'd like for one night to forget that I can't conceive and not have anyone know, or ask, or give me the "I feel sorry for you" look. It's getting old people. I'm infertile, not blind.

And that is the end of my rant.......for today.

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One a brighter side, for anyone interested, I found a new tea at a natural food store that supposedly supports the health of the female cycle. Traditional Medicinals Raspberry Leaf Tea. I've been downing it like crazy. (A girl can dream.)

I've also begun a small group therapy (I guess you could call it) for local ladies struggling to conceive. And I must say, I could not be happier that it's finally happened. There's nothing like standing in a room filled with people who understand and don't judge anything that comes out of your mouth. The first gathering was quite intimate seeing as the power went out 20 mins before they were to arrive. I was freakishly vacuuming the living room as everything goes out, leaving me to believe I blew a fuse. Not the case, everything was out for about a 3 town spread. I luckily stock up on candles for such occasions and we spent the next 5 hours chatting about anything and everything. To you ladies, thank you! You have lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I could not be happier that life has brought us together.

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A New Plan:

1. Read another vegan recipe book to get inspired.
2. Remove all tempting foods out of my house.
3. Get my ass up at 5:30am and go to the gym. (At least 4 days per week.)
4. Suck it up and pay for a hot yoga class once a week.
5. Get my bike in tip top shape and start riding on the weekends again.
6. Start packing a protein and complex carb for lunch to accompany my salads.
7. No more chips. (It's a very sad day.)
8. Cook large quantities of grains on Sunday for the week.
9. Stop trying to conceive. (Yes I said it. I need a break.)
10. Start tanning. (Don't judge. Vitamin D makes me happy.)
11. Write down everything I eat for two weeks. (Gives perspective)
12. Turn off the TV and listen to music instead.
13. Read a book every 2 weeks.

That's a good starting point. I'm a planner, can you tell?

Rules for the Two Week Wait

For those of you living in infertility hell along with me, you know how crazy the "two week wait" can be. Mine of course has fallen directly on St. Patrick's Day. The one day per year it's mandatory you drink. (Well, not really, but you know what I mean...) With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject of what to eat, drink, do and say during that awkward two weeks.

Eat-

Coming from a Vegan (or shall I say a vegetarian attempting to be vegan again), my thoughts are obviously geared towards all things natural. As of right now, breakfast is a smoothie with a cup of oatmeal. Snack is graham crackers. Lunch is a full salad and Amy's burrito and some of the Snikkidy chips. Snack is fruit (apple, grapes, pear). Dinner is a loaded vegetable dish with tofu or beans and a whole grain. Although it isn't perfect, right now it's working for me. My appetite tends to increase dramatically prior to menstruation. My husband finds it odd, but it's just the way I am. I have about 2 weeks of being very hungry all the time, and 2 weeks of a low appetite. During the "two week wait", fill your body with nutrient dense foods. These two weeks are the building blocks for that little embryo, be sure to give them everything they need and not what you want.

 

Drink-

This is always the tough one. Doctors now say that drinking one glass of wine slowly won't harm your little growing bambino. I'm not sure I fully agree with them. But you may find yourself at a social event that you don't want the funny eye lurking over at you, wondering if you're pregnant and that's why you aren't drinking. My advice is, grab a small glass of wine and milk it throughout the night. That way you won't be harassed and it will help to calm your nerves. I steer clear of liquor and I've lost my taste for beer, so wine it is!

Fitness-

This is one I continuously struggle with. I've heard everything from "don't shake the foundation" to work out hard. There's also rumors that you shouldn't let your heart rate pass 150 during a work out. My rule of thumb: don't allow yourself to get breathless. If you're on a treadmill, keep track of your heart rate. If you're outside, make sure you could carry a conversation or sing to your music. Lifting is one of those things that I'm still afraid to do during that time. If I do any weights, I focus on that specific muscle and keep the weight low. Low weights, higher reps is a good rule of thumb during this time as well. That way you are not straining your body, but still getting the benefit of working out. 

Say-

Seeing as I have issues with my stomach and anything dairy, for the most part I simply use the excuse that my stomach is really bothering me. It keeps me from having to explain to those that don't know me (or read my blog) that I am in limbo and praying there's something growing inside of me. Or I just say, I'm vegan. People usually stop talking at that point, in fear you may instill your values on them. 

In the end: Do and say what feels right to you. I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to be. I live by experience. If something doesn't work for you, try something else. Just remember that these two weeks are crucial in building a proper foundation for your child. Take care of yourself mentally and physically and pray for a miracle. 

Repeat Lesson: Be Selfish

Ugh. Things have not been stellar. (I say that mostly because of my mood today.) Life has been treating me very well...besides the whole infertility thing. But there has been several more panic attacks, which tends to damper my days. Something I am not happy with, not one bit. They come on for no reason, at inopportune times, and stick around longer and longer each time. And they are happening more frequently. I did a little research to be sure that something else wasn't contributing to it, because as my husband would say, I'm a hypochondriac. Didn't say much besides find a way to breath and relax. Which I've already been trying to do.

I despise day light savings time, it totally messes me up. So this week I have not gone to the gym at all...sigh. Which has probably contributed to my high stress level, thus causing the panic attacks. But I did manage to go for my first solo outdoor run this week, which I plan to continue. (They aren't lying when they say running clears your head.) I felt so much better after, and even ran further than I thought. All in all, fabulous thing. Hopefully next week my body will finally adjust to the time change so that I can get my ass up in the am, and run after work.

My cycle has also been pretty funky this week. I had my usual 3 month Creighton appt with my nurse. Oddly enough, this month is the first in 4 months that's looking good. As I've previously stated, the very early miscarriage we had in December reared it's ugly head for the following 3 cycles. First being an immature follicle, second being an un-ruptured follicle and the third the same. So this month of "trying" was looking really good. Last menstrual cycle was finally free and clear of brown spotting and was a healthy flow. However, I have been bleeding around ovulation. Previously it was only for 1 day. This month, I've had 3 days of spotting. Fun. I have been told it's a sign of ovulation and not to worry. But they said that to me, so obviously I'm still worrying.

On a side note, for all my infertiles out there. I've always preached "First and foremost, make sure you're happy." You may not be able to reproduce, but you can be as selfish as you like right now and do things you wouldn't be able to with a family. That alone should bring a smile to your face. And if it doesn't, take after me, I'm happy to teach you how to be selfish.

1. I got extensions. I love long hair and have wanted to try them forever. My hair is thin and doesn't really grow. So I found a local stylist that offered them, and did it. Every day I look in the mirror and find myself glum for all the shit I've been through. Then I look at my hair. It makes me happy. It was worth it.

2. We traded in the Mini. Yes it was purchased last year, a time when I was super sad and really tired of living my life as if I was pregnant or would be soon. So I said fuck it, and got myself a fun little car. It served it's purpose. It made me happy during a time of deep sadness. But, we decided to cut down costs for a little while and live with one vehicle and my husband's company car. Don't feel too bad.....we replaced it with this!

 

Bye Bye Mini & Mazda.....Hello Bimmer!

And guess what, it makes me happy. It makes us happy. It's fun to drive, has room for our long weekends we love to take, all wheel drive for the hiking trips we enjoy, and can fit a kid if that ever happens. The car makes me smile, so therefore it was worth it. 

So when you are sitting there, seeing all the new ultrasound pix on Facebook, remind yourself that you have the freedom to do anything you want right now. So what are you waiting for.....DO IT! You only get one life, don't let a moment pass you by. Enjoy every second because you can never get them back. 

So go.....be selfish.