The Entire Letter

Below is the entire letter from the Critic. She felt deceived that her quotes were taken out of context, so to be fair, I felt as though I should share all of it. My apologies to the writer.

Celia,

I have written this letter to you because I think other people are too nice and concerned about hurting your feelings to give you critical feedback on the thought process basing your decisions, and because I think that examining your choices within the framework of your purported beliefs and aspirations will allow you to parse out a way forward that is not in conflict with those beliefs and aspirations. Also, acting in ways that are consistent with your ethics (your ethics as you have expressed them in your blog) may relieve the angst and desperation you have reported and will better serve the purpose of your blog, which is to inform others in your situation. Generally, I do not offer my opinion of people’s choices because I do not entertain their opinions of mine, but whereas you have actively solicited feedback by making you choices public I feel compelled to write the following.

I submit to you some things to consider:

You say that you are a vegan in pursuit of a more natural way of living. Veganism has underpinnings in social consciousness and the idea that we, humans, should pursue life in a way that is socially responsible. Given this nod toward supporting the greater good, would it not be socially responsible of you to invest resources (time, energy, money, emotion) into an existing child via adoption rather than sinking resources into the forced creation of a biological child?

You talk of a deep need to be a mother, so wouldn’t you be inclined to parent any child in need of a family?  The act of mothering is a selfless devotion to the care and betterment of another person, no matter their age or origin. Your decision to use IVF implies that you are pursuing pregnancy for yourself first and foremost. This pursuit is contradictory to being a mother when opportunities to nurture existing persons abound. 

Perhaps you should not feel so bad about the miscarriage. Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life. That you would intervene to mechanically create an embryo outside of the womb and suspend the development of that embryo (via freezing) suggests that you see the embryo as a means to an end and not a life in and of itself. Thus, you lost the precursor to a life, a collection of divided cells, but not a baby, not even a fetus. Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life. 

Regarding the transfer of more than 1 embryo, consider that there are increased risks to mother and babies when pregnant with multiples.  You have a responsibility to your potential child to not knowingly increase those risks by becoming pregnant with more than one child. You may want to implant the second embryo as an assurance that at least one will survive, but a mother would be less self-serving and choose to implant only one, if use IVF all.

Respectfully,

Christina

Where's the Tears?

Okay, so tripling the dose of estrogen is no where near as bad as the double dose was. Estrace is a small little blue pill that's like swallowing a crumb. 20 days prior to transfer, I was told to start taking estrace, an estrogen replacement pill. For 5 days I took 1 pill twice a day. On morning of day 6, I went in for blood work to determine if my levels were increasing appropriately. They were. Day 6 I started taking two pills twice a day. And with that came the flood of emotions. I cried every day while on this dose. For those of you who know me, know it's rare that a tear will find it's way out, especially for 4 days in a row.

Saturday was day 9. I returned to the office for more bloodwork. Again, my levels increased accordingly. Day 10 (Sunday), I began taking three pills three times a day. Assuming I'd be sobbing uncontrollably, I was cautious to take any outings. Oddly enough, the triple dose has not had an affect on me, and for some reason I seem happier. Now whether this is from the little blue pill, or that we are only a week away from our second endeavor, it doesn't matter; happy is happy.

There's still alot being left to chance. As I've previously stated, we have two little embryos waiting for a home. After weeks of discussing every possible outcome and possibility, we have decided to transfer just one this time. This decision was solely based on the doctor's recommendation and we believe it to be the right one. I had not realized that implanting two could potentially mean the outcome of four babies. (If each embryo were to split, there's only a 1% chance of that, [but 1% is 1%].)So, we made the decision to implant just one little one, praying that they have the chance to grow into a beautiful little person.

So what's being left to chance? There's the possibility that the morning of the transfer, after a month of preparing, one or both of the embryos can potentially not unfreeze properly. So with that being said, I'm remaining as positive as possible. Hoping and praying that this will bless us with the outcome we've been waiting for.

Just to run you through a frozen cycle:
Days 1-5: 1 Estrace, twice a day
Days 6-9: 2 Estrace, twice a day
Days 10-13: 3 Estrace, three times a day
Days 14-20: 2 Estrace, twice a day, begin Progesterone shots
Approx. Day 20: Embryo transfer day

Judgy Wudgy Was a Bear...

This past week, after 5 months of blogging, I received my first negative criticism. I'll be honest, I was in tears. Mostly because the estrogen has made me cry every day since doubling the dose. (Yesterday I started the triple dose, so if you're looking for me, I'll be locked in my room until Thursday.) I am in no way surprised that people do not agree with the decisions that I make. However, I do expect them to be respected, as I respect theirs. In no way have I forced my views on anyone, nor would I ever.


If there's one thing I've learned, life is a world of gray; there's simply no black and white. Contradictions is what makes us individuals, our thoughts, ideas and beliefs makes us unique. Whether you believe in mine or not, I simply don't care. This blog is for support, for myself and anyone going through IVF. The decisions that I have made, that WE have made, have not been made lightly. So I ask that they, at the very least, be respected, which this person has failed to do.

I have decided to share with all of you parts of the email. I was going to refrain, but after much debate, I feel inclined to share it. After all, I welcome all opinions, both positive and negative.

Please keep in mind that this was sent by a family member that is currently pregnant who works for a pharmaceutical company.

"Given this nod toward supporting the greater good, would it not be socially responsible of you to invest resources (time, energy, money, emotion) into an existing child via adoption rather than sinking resources into the forced creation of a biological child?"

"You talk of a deep need to be a mother, so wouldn’t you be inclined to parent any child in need of a family? Your decision to use IVF implies that you are pursuing pregnancy for yourself first and foremost." 

"Perhaps you should not feel so bad about the miscarriage. Your decision to pursue IVF implies that you have a scientific attitude toward the creation of life. That you would intervene to mechanically create an embryo outside of the womb and suspend the development of that embryo (via freezing) suggests that you see the embryo as a means to an end and not a life in and of itself. Thus, you lost the precursor to a life, a collection of divided cells, but not a baby, not even a fetus. Maybe you felt disappointment that you could not sustain the pregnancy, but you do not mourn the loss of a life."

"You may want to implant the second embryo as an assurance that at least one will survive, but a mother would be less self-serving and choose to implant only one, if use IVF all. "

My response: Please don't think you truly know me, by simply reading my blog.

Any comments?

The Big Gaping Hole

I've come to realize that there are two completely different halves to my being. When I was in college, I dreamed of moving to the big city, working for a huge design firm doing Lord knows what, and just living the fabulous single life. Although I never moved to the big city, I did work in design and was moving up the ladder quite rapidly. Even though I loved what I was doing, (besides the long hours, crazy clients and loads of responsibility), I knew something was missing. There was this big, gaping hole that never felt fulfilled.

I see my college friends now branching off, starting their own companies and using art as a means of income. I can not express how truly happy I am for them and part of me wishes I had that much drive. But the other half, the gaping hole half, is finally starting to feel like it's closing, ever so slowly as I get closer and closer to becoming a mom.

I just finished reading "Heaven Is For Real", a little boys story of his journey to heaven. He was just shy of four years old and claims he met Jesus, God, Mary, John the Baptist, his great grandfather and his sister. His sister however had only grown for 2 months in his mothers belly. He did not know of the miscarriage, his mother had been so distraught, they did not want to share of their tragedy with their young son. The mother however found comfort in knowing her daughter was waiting in heaven to meet her.

I found comfort in thar thought, knowing that our unborn child is there waiting for us to meet. Knowing that my family and friends who have passed, just recently my grandmother, are watching over us every day and hopefully watching over our unborn child. When I was pregnant, I was so afraid to love that little being growing inside of me, in fear of what may happen. I was afraid to feel for them in fear I would lose them. But that love is there no matter what, and still is. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, I am always thinking about that little person, the happiness I felt knowing I was going to be a mom, that this little person would be relying on us to guide them through life. To have their chubby little arms, one day wrap around my neck. To smell that sweet powder fresh skin and see them smile for the first time. All of these things out weigh everything else in my life. I already have the most amazing husband, but the moment I feel completely fulfilled will be when I see that smiling child.


(On a side note, I've just double my estrogen pills which are making me super emotional. I spoke with the NaPro doctor, and we have decided to postpone our appointment. I mentioned to him how much the magnesium has helped, he was thrilled. He wished us luck and asked that I update him on how the cycle goes. I like him already.)

Magnesium Makes a Difference

Having decided not to keep my big mouth shut, I need to apologize to my family, whom I've asked to keep what I'm about to tell you a secret. They know me well enough to know I change my mind at the drop of the hat, so hopefully they won't be too annoyed. We have made the decision to move forward with the next round of IVF. After exploring all our options and the possibilities of every outcome, we think we've made the right decision. We still plan to meet with the NaPro doctor to run some tests on any deficiencies I may have and to be sure everything with me is okay.


Having spoken to both our fertility doctor and the NaPro man, we've had conflicting guidance. The fertility doctor claims all my hormone levels are ideal and she believes the miscarriage was a fluke. The NaPro man thinks there could be an underlying issue that has been overlooked. Being the nosey lady that I am, I really started to research into important vitamins and minerals needed during pregnancy. I know I briefly touched upon this in the past, but I've noticed changes in myself since following the recommended dosages.


If you are not someone comfortable with the discussion of menstruation, I would stop reading now.


Last month my period was a disaster. I bled for 10 straight days and spotted in between, which I believe was a chemical pregnancy. (How do I know that? We had planned intercourse right around ovulation, got my "eggwhites", bled the next day during sex. Cramped and spotted.) A few days later, I picked up some Magnesium tablets and figured, why not give it a shot. I continued to have light white flow up until day 28 of my cycle. Began having two light days of spotting, got my period this morning. (Yay! That means round two can begin of IVF.)


For any of you ladies out there with endomeitriosis, you've probably had brown blood for as long as you can remember and extremely painful cramps. Since the age of 16, my cramps have been unbearable to the point I would spend the first 1-2 days in bed with a heating pad hopped up on motrin, sobbing for no reason and eating every carb I could get my hands on. Since starting the Magnesium, I've actually seen a pretty big change. For example: NO brown blood! I'm back to a healthy bright, dark red. I had cramps for about 3 hours, and now they have passed. There still there, don't get my wrong, but they're no longer mind numbing. Any ladies out there have severe foot cramps? I have gotten them since the age of about 16, coincidence? I think not. Magnesium is stored in our muscles, like water in a reservoir. When there is not enough in our diet, the blood stream steals it from our muscles, thus causing muscle cramps. So if you're trying to get pregnant, try taking the recommended dose of Magnesium along with a prenatal vitamin. Be sure to check that the prenatal has adequate calcium and vitamin D. If not, find a calcium supplement with vitamin D.


So what happens now? We are going to attempt a frozen cycle. We were lucky enough to be able to freeze 2 embryos from our last cycle. As of right now we have signed for 1 embryo transfer. (Still trying to convince hubby to transfer both. Not sure if I'm going to win that one.) Today I started taking 1mg Estrace morning and night which is an estrogen replacement along with 1 baby aspirin a day. I put a call into my doctor, waiting to hear back the next step.

The Big Debate

Over the last couple of weeks I have been debating on whether or not to continue writing. For most couples trying to conceive, they have the element of surprise at their disposal. They get to keep people guessing on whether their trying, pregnant or how far along they are. I haven't had that. I am fortunate in that, I have the most loving and supportive family and husband a girl could ask for. But I haven't been able to keep that big secret of new life and I am feeling a little left out. Knowing our situation is different and that we chose to tell people, I realize I've made my own bed, so to say. So I guess I need to lay in it.

Having gone through a devastating and painful miscarriage, the thought of having that be public once again frightens me. The whole process is frightening to be honest. But, I vowed to be honest in writing this, and I strongly disagree with keeping such a monumental time in life such a secret. I can understand why so many couples do, but at the same time I just don't agree with it. Support is a crucial component in this process and vitally important. Nevermind the information that is shared between women going through IVF. There's always a million questions you want to ask, or want to know the answers to. Sometimes you just need another lady friend to gab with, who truly knows what you're going through. Or, you learn something that you had no idea existed. I honestly had someone tell me after reading about their white flow, "Oh! So that's what that is! I had no idea." Let's be honest ladies, there's too many things that go on in our bodies. And let's face it, how many mom's really want to talk to you about them when you're growing up. Like you'd really listen anyways. If I don't say it, then who will?

I'm going to guess that some of you feel like what I write is too personal and shouldn't be discussed. Tough shit! Find a new blog if you feel that way. This is real life, it's my life, and I never really learned how to keep my mouth shut. (I think I get that from my Dad.)

Honesty is the best policy. That's my motto, I'm going to attempt to stick to it.

Cervical Mucus

So we've pretty much decided that we will be holding off on the next round of IVF for awhile. I've started to really read into the NaPro and the tracking system they use to figure out if my cycle is working correctly. For those of you who know me, you know that I've had some stomach & intestinal issues this past year, along with ovary issues. I can't help but wonder if this is all tied to or effecting everything.

I do want to share what I've learned. (Pardon me if I'm repeating anything.) Women have two flows: their red flow, and their white flow. We all know what the red flow is, however most women don't know about their white flow. Not to be graphic, but for years I've wondered what "that" white stuff is. Apparently, prior to ovulation, several days after you menstruate, woman start to get a white discharge. The consistency changes as your hormone levels change. What you want to look for is a clear, stretchy discharge that is expelled when you ovulate. (Kind of looks like egg whites.) This is the most fertile time during your cycle. (How many of you knew that? Because I sure as hell didn't.) To accurately check your hormone level, a doctor may ask you to take a sample to have tested. To better describe this process:

Right around ovulation (high chance of pregnancy):
At this stage, mucus resembles egg whites. It is the thinnest, clearest and most abundant at this point in the cycle. Finger testing will allow the mucus to stretch quite a ways (several centimeters) before it breaks (if it breaks at all). ) The amount of this thin mucus will steadily increase until you experience your ‘mucus peak’. This is the last day of this period where the chance of conception is high. It is closely tied to ovulation. During this phase, the sperm’s survival rate is higher. It can survive in cervical mucus for up to 72 hours, a significantly longer time than during the rest of the cycle.
http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/cervical-mucus.html

What have I learned? I'm starting to think I only have one truly great day of "fertileness". I am hoping that the NaPro doctor will help me to better understand this process and really explain what I should be looking for. So for the time being, we are trying to fun way to make a baby on my one peak day, and waiting for our appointment with the NaPro man.