Some People Just Don't Get It.

Sitting at one of the many weddings we've attended this summer, I was thrown into a conversation I usually avoid. The one where you meet someone for the first time, and they ask if you have kids. Yeah, that one. I'd also like to state that about 20 mins prior, I was asked by a distant family member if we had kids yet. Then was proceeded to be told to take our time, and enjoy every minute. (Not as awful as some people. It was more kind and out of concern to remind us to enjoy life. That conversation was welcomed.)

The second was not.

Some people just don't get it.

For whatever reason, they have not been exposed to, nor close to anyone who has had difficulty conceiving. Because if they had, they would know when to stop talking. And I don't mean that rudely. I mean that they blatantly disregard knowing when their "thoughtful" words, are the wrong choice.

So sitting at this wedding, next to a very lovely couple, might I add. The kind of couple you hope to be sat next to when you know no one. We got to know where they came from, where they work, how they met, etc. And then comes the question....."Do you have kids?" I kindly respond "No. You?"

They continue to tell us that if they had not got drunk one night, they wouldn't have any either. But alas, they have a son, whom they adore.

My first thought was, oh great. Another one of those couples.

She continued to discuss how they didn't want kids, and everything else you don't want to hear when you are struggling to conceive. I continued to keep my mouth shut and politely changed the subject.

About an hour later though, we were back to the same conversation. Still talking about how they didn't want kids, and telling us don't bother, etc. At that point my manners disappeared. Because after 3.5 years of trying to get pregnant, and experiencing 2 miscarriages, you lose your manners quickly.

So I turned to her and said "Actually we've been trying for years." And gave the look like "You need to stop talking now." Which she missed, or ignored, and replied "You just need to get drunk. That will work."

"No, it won't. Trust me." was all I could come up with.

"Seriously, it works! Just get really drunk and enjoy your night!" she replied.

"NO. It doesn't work for everyone." At this point I'm getting angry. Why? This girl obviously doesn't understand nor will she. But I was done. Done with all the stupid comments people make. Done with the ignorance.

I'm glad people don't understand. Honestly, I hope people don't understand.

But what I expect, is compassion. I give all the hints and clues that this conversation is not one you want to have with me. Take the bait people! Know when to stop giving advice.

Anyone else have this happen recently? How long do you give the person before you speak up?

When Adoption Fails-Great Article from Today

For all my fellow inftertiles out there, I read a great article on when adoption fails. It's a little long, but take a moment to read it. If you're considering adoption, it's best to have all the information you can to make a sound decision.

It Takes More Than Love - What happens when adoption fails

Rules to live b

Expect When You're Trying......

1. A roller coaster ride of emotion.
2. Crying yourself to sleep for no reason.
3. Anger when you get your period. Hope it's the rare case of bleeding during pregnancy.
4. Praying the flutters and cramping is from implementation.
5. Clear mucus means you're ovulating, so you jump your husband every chance you get.
6. Bleeding during intercourse during mid cycle is ovulating. Jump your husband.
7. Everyone else will be pregnant before you.

Things you notice when you're infertile........

1. The eye brow raise from on lookers when you don't drink at weddings.
2. The "I pity you" look when someone realizes you're struggling.
3. How everyone seems to be pregnant.
4. How everyone else IS pregnant.
5. The lovely stories of how easy it was for others to get pregnant.
6. Realizing how many years, months, cycles it's been.
7. Your husband attempts to block the view of a pregnant passerby.

All the things running through your mind....

1. Am I pregnant?
2. When did I ovulate?
3. How many days post peak am I?
4. Is that bitch pregnant before me?
5. Is that a line?
6. Is this finally my month?
7. How many more months am I going to have to wait?

Appropriate times to punch someone in the face.....

1. "You just need to stop trying, then you'll get pregnant."
2. "God has a plan for you, you just don't know it yet."
3. "I slipped on the floor, and BAM, I was pregnant."
4. "You can have my kids!"
5. "Are you really sure you want to have kids?"
6. "You can borrow my husband."
7. "Don't bother, kids are a waste of time."

Anyone else have thoughts or quotes they've heard? Please share!

Finding my happy place

Recently, life seems to enjoy running me over with an 18 wheeler. Not terribly sure why, but it seems as though each time I turn around, I get bitch slapped by life. Oddly enough, these events are not entirely mine. Although they are affecting my friends and family and sometimes myself.

You may agree that with everything we've been through over the past 3.5 years, I have every right to be sad. You may understand that I could be depressed. You'd probably agree I've earned my right to hide under the covers on any given occasion.

But I've always attempted to remain positive. I try. And try. And try again. I do my best to never give up. (But when I do, Hubby is right there cheering me on.) Husband's are good like that. We talk about everything.

I am now at the point that I am beginning to feel like a burden. Not just on him, but on friends and family as well. This past weekend for example, I had my third anxiety attack of my life. Right there, in front of my friends, in the middle of our girls night. I could feel it coming on. I knew for a solid 20 mins that I would have to deal with this nagging quivering that was creeping up inside of me.

And then all of a sudden, there it was.

The lack of breath that causes hyperventilating.

The tingling in my head from the shortness of breath.

The sobbing.

The irrational feeling that I couldn't deal with any more problems.

For most, infertility is a silent battle. We tend to fight it alone as a couple. Being public about this struggle, as helpful as it has been, can also inhibit. Personally, I am at the point that as much as I want to be supportive of those struggling as well, I believe I'm at my tipping point.

Therefore, this is an apology.

Not to anyone in particular.

But to everyone.

I apologize if you speak to me, and I seem distant.

I apologize if I'm not attentive to your concerns.

Please know I love you and care for you.

Please be patient with me as I attempt to heal myself and find my happy place.

Weave Me Alone

Okay, so there's nothing really happening on the baby front this month. I did warn you about that though. Probably for the best seeing as I haven't been a very good girl this month. Blame it on the weddings, work stress, or realizing that my dream of being a stay at home wife (eventual mother) isn't happening any time soon. Any who, there's no bean in this belly.

But there are some lovely things happening besides growing myself a kid.

Amazing things actually.

Things I've wanted to happen for awhile.

So I can't remember if I've shared my recent class with y'all yet or not. But if not, here goes. I'm a weaver. Yes, like the old fashioned, picture your great great great grandmother's mother weaving fabric for clothing. That's me.

Okay, not like that. but I'm sure you can get a picture in your mind. 

My major in college was Textile Design and Fiber Arts. (I know, what was I thinking?) But seriously, I absolutely adore weaving. So much so that I recently took a refresher course at The Weaving Shed in Sterling, MA with Jen Baum. (She's lovely by the way. Highly recommend her classes!) So I took a class to refresh my old noggin' on how the whole weaving thing works. Boy am I glad I did. I forgot just how much I love me some loom time, and how little I could remember. But once I got back on the loom, things started to come back.

So much so, that I broke down and bought this lady. I call her Ruby. 

I've been a weaving fool ever since. Scarves, fabric, and potentially some place mats are in my future. Honestly, weaving is about the most relaxing thing you can do. 

On the last day of class, Jen mentioned she's selling her 45" floor loom. At which time my heart melted and begged her to take down the listing so that I could have first dibs. Of course this was all done prior to mentioning it to my husband. Thank goodness that man loves me. He complied and actually insisted that I purchase it. (Well, if I must!) So at the end of this month, my spare room/future child's room is being turned into my very own studio. Complete with my first ever floor loom. 

Stay tuned for photos and a remodel!

~Sometimes you need to embrace the challenges that you are faced with. Realize you have no control over your fate and decide to focus on the things you can control. 

Like weaving. 

And being happy. 

And that is what I fully intend to do. 

Life isn't about surviving the storm; but how you dance in the rain.

The testing is over, for now. The answers, are none. The upper GI showed no signs of Crohn's (huge sigh of relief). But honestly, where do I go from here? And what is causing me to swell and inconstantly be in pain? Most days I say nothing, because who really wants to hear my complaints every day. But if I'm being straight up, I hurt every day. I can't remember a day where I felt great.

So is it food allergies?

Is it bum ovaries?

Is it IBS?

I've spent that last 2 weeks really focusing on what I ingest. And I must say, cutting gluten and dairy out has had a positive affect. The days I don't consume those two things, my stomach is flat, nothing hurts (for the most part). Knowing it takes quite awhile to get these things out of your system, I know it's going to take a lot more time. But how long?

This past weekend, I spent at the Cape celebrating the upcoming nuptials of two of the best people I know. Normally, when forced into a group of people I don't know, I nervously eat my way through the event.

Confession: I am an over eater/anxiety eater/social over eater.

(There, it's finally out.)

Hubs and I have been having recent discussions on food. Mostly because I finally came to terms with the fact that I self sooth, with food. Therefore, I've been making a conscious effort to be aware of when I'm eating because I'm hungry, or eating to comfort myself. And I must say, I'm quite proud of my strength this past weekend. Being thrown into a house of 17 lovely ladies, and only knowing the bride, usually would send me reeling. But....I focused on me. I said to myself "Celia, be yourself. If people like you, great. If they don't, it will affect you no differently." And it didn't. I kept reminding myself to eat only when I was hungry, and be open to chat and mingle.

The benefit of being myself: I met some truly wonderful gals that I thoroughly look forward to seeing at the wedding, and hopefully beyond. Because let's face it ladies, our female connections are how we deal with things.

A friend recently sent me this great article on how men and women differ in how they deal with life's issues. I've included it below because it was exactly what I've come to realize recently.

So to all you new friends out there, the following is for you. Whether we've spoken or you follow along to my daily rambles, I hope in someway that I've been either a support or delivered words of comfort.

In an evening class at Stanford, the last lecture was on the mind-body connection - the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that  one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman, whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.   
 Women connect with each other differently and  provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin - a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being.   
 Women share feelings whereas  men often form relationships around activities . They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings? Rarely.   
 Women do it all of the time.. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.   
 There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged—not true. In fact, he said that  failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as  dangerous to our physical health as smoking !   
 So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo… let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends.. Evidently it’s very good for our health.   
 Thanks to all the girls in my life who have helped me stay healthy, happy, and feeling very loved.   
 Life isn't about surviving the storm; but how you dance in the rain. 

Never Ending Testing

Has it really been over two weeks since I've posted?! Where have I been......yikes.

Well let's see, where did we leave off.......

Oh yes, blood work. After receiving 3 phone calls letting me know that everything was fine, yes I said 3, we met with Dr. C on Tuesday for a regrouping of minds, so to say. Chris and I had decided we wanted to meet with him after our trip to figure out what we were going to do. Assuming we would get thrown a million different things, the appointment went much different than we had expected.

We went through the blood work first. No sign of Lupus (phew), no sign of inflammation in my body (not sure I believe that one), estrogen was a little high as well as progesterone. Progesterone was fine to be high, better than low. The estrogen however was slightly alarming, so I will be going in for an ultrasound on Monday to check for an ovarian cyst. Just to be safe.

Then we looked at my charting. Things have been a little off, but all in all starting to improve. Dr. C also mentioned (for all my Creighton charters out there) that the best day to get pregnant is Peak day. The 2nd best: Peak-1, then Peak-2, then Peak+1. Learn something new every day. I will say this month, we were right on track, however we missed Peak day. (There's always next month.......getting tired of saying that.)

A couple things happened that made me realize just how caring this man actually is. At one point he dropped his shoulders and kindly said "I feel like I'm failing you. When I see your name on the schedule, I cringe. Because that means you're not pregnant. It's been a year, after a year I feel like a failure." Then he sat there sulking a bit. Then pulled out a chart for us. In NaPro, Dr. Hilgers (the founder) says that the highest chance of conceiving with NaPro is in the first year. However, there is still a great leap in the second year as well. So as much as Dr. C feels like he's failed, he knows to wait it out a little longer. It's just his own sorrow, says it keeps him humble.

He also stated that we are welcome to get a second opinion. We're lucky enough to have another NaPro doctor a couple towns away. Dr. C simply stated that he may be able to catch something that we may have missed. Better to have another mind to brainstorm with. He also said we can always go back to the surgeon and have him take another look (which in my mind is out of the question. I don't feel like it will help.)

So now what?

Well, not to get too personal, but I have been having significant pain and swelling in my intestines. Dr. C has done some exams and was concerned. So after my ultrasound and more rounds of bloodwork, I may be going in for a Barium. Where you drink yucky things and swallow a camera. Then you go in to have xrays done depending on the location of the camera in hopes to get a good picture of my insides and check the connection between the small and large intestines. He also suggested it could be an issue with my colon. We didn't go into too much depth, but we plan to start with the pictures.

The strangest thing to happen: Dr. C said I'm interesting. "That's not something you want to hear from your doctor" he said. Apparently he's slightly baffled as to why we aren't pregnant yet. So in the meantime, more tests, more trying. Regrouping yet again after this and next week's tests.

This is never ending......