Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Some People Just Don't Get It.

Sitting at one of the many weddings we've attended this summer, I was thrown into a conversation I usually avoid. The one where you meet someone for the first time, and they ask if you have kids. Yeah, that one. I'd also like to state that about 20 mins prior, I was asked by a distant family member if we had kids yet. Then was proceeded to be told to take our time, and enjoy every minute. (Not as awful as some people. It was more kind and out of concern to remind us to enjoy life. That conversation was welcomed.)

The second was not.

Some people just don't get it.

For whatever reason, they have not been exposed to, nor close to anyone who has had difficulty conceiving. Because if they had, they would know when to stop talking. And I don't mean that rudely. I mean that they blatantly disregard knowing when their "thoughtful" words, are the wrong choice.

So sitting at this wedding, next to a very lovely couple, might I add. The kind of couple you hope to be sat next to when you know no one. We got to know where they came from, where they work, how they met, etc. And then comes the question....."Do you have kids?" I kindly respond "No. You?"

They continue to tell us that if they had not got drunk one night, they wouldn't have any either. But alas, they have a son, whom they adore.

My first thought was, oh great. Another one of those couples.

She continued to discuss how they didn't want kids, and everything else you don't want to hear when you are struggling to conceive. I continued to keep my mouth shut and politely changed the subject.

About an hour later though, we were back to the same conversation. Still talking about how they didn't want kids, and telling us don't bother, etc. At that point my manners disappeared. Because after 3.5 years of trying to get pregnant, and experiencing 2 miscarriages, you lose your manners quickly.

So I turned to her and said "Actually we've been trying for years." And gave the look like "You need to stop talking now." Which she missed, or ignored, and replied "You just need to get drunk. That will work."

"No, it won't. Trust me." was all I could come up with.

"Seriously, it works! Just get really drunk and enjoy your night!" she replied.

"NO. It doesn't work for everyone." At this point I'm getting angry. Why? This girl obviously doesn't understand nor will she. But I was done. Done with all the stupid comments people make. Done with the ignorance.

I'm glad people don't understand. Honestly, I hope people don't understand.

But what I expect, is compassion. I give all the hints and clues that this conversation is not one you want to have with me. Take the bait people! Know when to stop giving advice.

Anyone else have this happen recently? How long do you give the person before you speak up?


  1. I have this problem with my mother. Not quite in the same way but similar. She obviously knows all we've been through (two years of trying) and she herself had issues conceiving. However, her issues were solved with some clomid. Make her ovulate, give it a couple months, pregnant. However my mom insists (even though I've been on Letrozole or Clomid for almost 18 months) that if I were just on the right dosage of drugs, it would work. She fails to accept that my body is not identical to hers, or the fact that I've tried what she did and it didn't work for me. I eventually just smile and nod because I know she'll never let it go.

    And the whole, meet new people and their second question is always, do you have kids... It happened to me at husband's holiday party last year. The woman I was seated next to was a SAHM to two kids and was saying how much she loved it and loved them (which is always nice to hear in comparison to the usual 'you can have mine') but it also was like turning the dagger already in my heart because I want that so bad.

    People want to help or give you the answer, but what they don't realize that what they're doing is so painful and/or frustrating to you.

    P.S. The whole "just relax", comment, makes me want to stab someone in the eye.

    1. I'm right there with you! I'm sorry about your mom. I get comments all the time. Almost always with the best of intentions. The "just relax" comment is by far the worst. Stay strong <3
      PS- My husband and I have a running joke we refer to as the "5 Year Plan". In 5 years, kids or no kids, I hope to be a stay at home wife/mom. I highly recommend it. You don't need kids to stay home and occupy your time :)

    2. Awesome! Yes, the hubs and I have discussed me just leaving my job. We technically can survive without my income, though it'd be tight. So currently I keep working, though, perhaps I should set an end date to that. :)

    3. Put an end date on that ASAP! :)

  2. I love when people "give advice". Or when they put their hand on your stomach and say something like, "Anything in there yet?". My husband is a thousand times better at handling these awkward encounters than I am, so I usually let him answer, but I know how you feel. Makes you wish you could shrug off social events forever, doesn't it??

    1. Yes it sure does! My husband usually freezes, or waits for me to say something. Most of the time it's out of fear that I might actually put them in their place. But I try my hardest to be understanding to their ignorance. After all, I wish I had no idea what this all felt like.