1 or 2

Living in New England has it's benefits, but being blasted with snow twice a week is not one of them. Figures the morning we have to drive to Westboro at 7am, it's snowing profusely. But we bundle up, clean off the car and begin our drive. Thankfully it only took an extra 20 mins to get there. We pull into the un-plowed lot where only one other car is parked. We walk into the office, doors unlocked, lights are on, but no one in sight. We both get a little nervous that no one is there, so I do a perimeter search. Then our doctor pops her head out of her office and says she'll be right with us.

A couple minutes later she emerges and escorts us into her office. "How are you both handling everything?" is the first question out of her mouth. And of course, that question still makes my eyes water. I manage to pull myself together and control the water works. She starts by going over our embryo count and how things progressed in the growing process. To our surprise, she states that having 2 frozen embryos is wonderful. Apparently not alot of couples get to that point and have to go through the grueling process of creating eggs, egg retrieval and transfer every round! And, we have the option to either use the frozen eggs, or start all over again to create fresh ones. The downfall to using frozen eggs drops our chances of conceiving from 50% to 40%. And not all embryos come out of the freezing process properly.

We asked a couple questions which she answered to the best of her ability. Then she asked the question we've been discussing for the past month: how many embryos to implant for round two. The one question Chris and I have been trying to answer. Chris has been adamant about one, mostly for the fear of having twins with two. I have been thinking implant both. My reasoning has been sort of all over the place. The risk of having twins increases along with the stress level when they are born. However, I have been concerned that there could be an issue with our embryos. Thankfully Dr. D explained that all our eggs and sperm have done what they should. All the embryos have seemed to look great. She believes it was a fluke, just an unhealthy embryo. Her medical opinion is to try one again. Chris of course was grinning ear to ear, knowing he won our "discussion".

We have been now attempting to have a child for two years, two unsuccessful years. Although we are young, which Dr. D keeps stressing, I feel like we may be wasting time. We spent a year and 3 months trying on our own. Spent 3 months contemplating bad advise from a urologist. Spent 2 months creating embryos, 2 months pregnant, 2 months healing from the miscarriage. Before we can implant again, I'm going to be hopped up on estrogen pills and gonalF for 20 days. The morning of the transfer is when they unfreeze the embryo. So we could get all the way to that point and neither of the embryos come out of the freezing process correctly, then we're back to square one. So we had a consult to determine that nothing is determined, except we'll be using one embryo.

Due Date

Searching through my phone today, which I use as my calendar, I came across something I had forgotten to delete. My due date. I was looking for our family's annual Vermont Cookout held in July and there it was, staring back at me as plain as day. Hadn't even realized what it was until I clicked on it. I had deleted all the upcoming appointments that were made, but somehow over looked the due date. Although every day has gotten a little easier, it's moments like this that send me flying back. Instead of dwelling on it and hiding in my room to cry, I am looking forward to the next couple of weeks and all the new things I am trying.

I've finally cut back on the wine and sweets, since being slapped in the face by my scale. I've been focusing my time on better nutrition, and attempting new workouts. Although I love my yoga classes, at $17 a pop, or $125 a month, my wallet has become a deep empty pit. So my fabulous husband, knowing that I've always wanted to take dance classes, sent me a link to groupon.com. (If you haven't found this site yet, I highly recommend you do.) There was a groupon for adult hip hop classes. Thankfully enough people signed up, and I will be starting class next week. Lord help me.

I also found a new place that offers an array of classes. In need of some direction and motivation to spice things up, I found a place for only $20 a month, includes Zumba, Spin, Pilates and Yoga. How can you go wrong? For some reason, I love change. I embrace it. It gets to the point where I feel things have become stagnant, and I need a change. So I'm making it. I don't know if I'll be blessed with children soon and I can't sit around waiting for it to happen. Life is too short to miss out on the things you want. So in the mean time, it's hip hop, Zumba and Spin time. Everything else will come when it's good and ready.

One Day At a Time....

So I'm pretty sure yesterdays appointment was more of a mental check up. (The doctor wanted to be sure I wasn't hanging from my shower curtain.) I must say, I'm thoroughly impressed with their office. The nurse who took my blood pressure and weight (yikes), felt so bad about what happened she looked like she was about to cry and offered up a hug. Mind you, this was the first time I met her. It seems everyone who finds out is completely sympathetic, especially when they find out we went through IVF.

I drove my butt to hot yoga last night again. The yogi I usually go to was teaching, whom I love by the way. She's the same age and just has this calming voice that keeps you relaxed through the whole class. I was surprisingly able to do most of the moves still, considering I was away for two months. There is nothing like sweating out every emotion to revitalize your body and mind. Moving pretty slow, I was the last to leave. The sweetheart that she is, started making small talk: she asked how my holidays were. For the most part, I am able to control myself with that question. However, not after yoga. Every emotion is brought to the surface, just waiting to bubble over. Which it managed to do. She teared up right along with me, confiding in me that she and her husband are trying as well. Three months, and no luck just yet.

It's amazing how much it takes over your life. Every thought, every cramp, anything and everything makes you think of it. No matter if you are trying the fun way, IUI or IVF, the process of trying to conceive takes over your life. As much as guys try to understand, they never fully get it. Even when they want it as bad as you (talking about a baby), they can't understand what you go through emotionally. I feel like my husband is the exception. He has been a rock, absolutely amazing through this whole process, I couldn't have asked for a better man. He's let me sob, scream, eat, drink (hence the yikes at the weight), he's let me do anything and everything I've needed to to deal with the loss. And that's exactly what it is, a loss. Whether its early or late, it's still an emotional mess that you need to deal with. Which I feel like I am. One day at a time.....

That Much Is Certain

It has almost been two weeks since everything happened, and to be honest, I'm starting to feel better. (It's about time.) Although I'm still getting the awkward hellos and sad eyes from people who know, which make it difficult to try to move on. Imagining what is going through their mind, knowing they know, and that they don't want to make me uncomfortable. No matter what, it's uncomfortable. But know that I am healing and trying to move forward as gracefully as possible.

My follow up appointment is tomorrow with my OB. In two weeks we meet with the IVF doctor again to go over the next course of action. For all of you who have been wondering if we are going to try again, the answer is yes. I am nervous to see what the IVF doctor is going to say though. Surprisingly, I have stayed away from researching too much on the subject. We only have two embryos frozen. From what I have been made aware of, not all of them come out of the freezing process ready to use. My fear is that one or none will "defrost" correctly leaving us at square one again. Or they say we should put both in. Which I think my husband fears more than I do. (The rate of twins goes from 1% to 33%.)

I have been trying to put everything aside and clear my mind and focus on my health for the last two weeks. My mental health has gotten better, however my physical health is moving pretty slow. I just started working out again this week, and have jumped in head on. I managed to do 90 mins on the treadmill Monday, 90 mins of hot yoga yesterday, and I plan to do 90 mins biking today. The swelling in my abdomen has gone down considerably making this all possible again. I love that I am able to go back to hot yoga. It has been a life saver. I may try to continue doing it even if I get pregnant again. Although at that point, I will probably be fearing everything. But what better way to get yourself calm. I haven't found anything else that allows me to get to that state.

Who knows what the future holds at this moment. All I know is that each day gets a little easier. No matter what happens, it's hubby and me. Whether we are blessed with children of our own, or if we are able to adopt, we plan to have a family. That much is certain.

Anger

I want to run away and hide. Everything feels like a dream. It has been two whole days since I've cried. Foolishly assuming I am doing better, and the pain is disappearing. A woman I know came up to me today and said "I heard you are expecting." I froze. I didn't even know what to say. Being the honest person that I am, I first responded "No", then gave in and said I was, then the tears came. I am fine until I'm confronted with it. I'm able to push all of it away until someone or something triggers the memory.

I feel like it was all a dream. In my mind it feels like it happened years ago, but emotionally the wound is still open and gushing. I'm sad, angry, annoyed, hurt... Part of this pain is having everyone know. I'm starting to feel like writing this blog has been a mistake. How did I think I could go through this so publicly. What did I think was going to happen, everything go perfectly smooth. When has anything gone perfectly smooth. When in my life have I not had to fight for what I wanted.

I keep getting the questions about when we'll try again, will we try right away, how are you doing, how are you feeling. I realize all of these are out of care and concern, but I can't answer them. I'm still dealing with the loss so I have no clue as to when we will begin again. All I know is that there is no way I am giving up. And right now I just want to run away and hide.

Another Happy Holiday

Yesterday morning I woke up, ate breakfast, showered and was about to head off the gym when I realized I needed to pee. I walk in the bathroom, lock the door and pop a squat. It was at that very moment everything changed. I noticed I was spotting. I called the doctor and immediately went in for an ultrasound. The US tech was very thorough, but did not let me look at the screen while she took the images. Hubby was with me, but he couldn't read what she was doing. They kept us in the room while the radiologist reviewed the images. The doctor, who's in the same building, is then informed and sent the images. We were told to sit and wait for a phone call. The US tech walks in and says the doctor would like us to go up to her office.

I knew at that moment that something was wrong, hubby was still remaining positive. We sit in the waiting room for what felt like an hour, but was probably only 15 mins. We're brought into a room and wait for the doctor to come in. Because this is our new OB office, I haven't met this doctor yet. She knocks and then walks in the door with a hesitant smile. She cuts right to the chase, "It's not good news". The baby only measured 6 weeks and 2 days, the same as our last ultrasound. Most likely, right after we heard and saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. I am miscarrying. My eyes well up and I am immediately sobbing.

There are truly no words to describe how I felt at that moment. I have been hesitant since day one, knowing that most people are not successful in their first IVF attempt. I never truly let myself get attached to the idea. How do you let go of something you never really let yourself believe in. I've cried alone, I've cried with my family, I cried this morning when I woke up.

The cramps began to intensify last night. Tylenol took some of the edge off, but did not last through the night. I tossed and turned trying to find a position that didn't hurt. Two days before Christmas and I'm going in for a DNC. The thought of watching this all happen in front of my eyes made me sick to my stomach. So I made a choice to let them intervene. In my mind, it has already happened and I am just helping it along. But that doesn't take away any of the pain. It doesn't change anything.

I can't help but question everything I've done for the past month. Was it the stress? Was it from working out? Was there something wrong with my egg? Why would this happen after everything we've been through?! I'm trying to push all these thoughts out of my mind. As everyone has recently told me, "nature has it's way of taking care of things". Trust in the fact that what is not meant to be, doesn't happen. As my mother in law said, "maybe you'll have a November baby to  make next year easier on all of us." I hope that is true.

9 Weeks

So things have been pretty mild and some what boring lately. At 9 weeks, nausea has been non existent, but the growing pains have come on full force. Between my aching back and lower abdomenn, I feel like my hips have doubled in size. Although most people wouldn't notice, my belly has started to expand to the point where my skinny jeans are a process to get into. I gave in and picked up a belly band and a pair of maternity jeans, for those really bad days.

I'm sleeping right through the night with just one morning trip to the bathroom. The headaches have been off and on and seem to be worse when it rains or snows. My appetite is huge, about every 2-4 hours I'm ravenous. My energy has been pretty good this week. Still getting tired around 9pm though. The progesterone has been limited to every other night which I couldn't be more thrilled about. I go in next week for blood work to check my levels. Pray that they are normal so I can finally stop taking it. (Ladies, if you have the option for the injection or the cream, take the injection! I fully regret taking the cream. It does not dissolve completely and leaves a thick, chalky residue. Yuck.)

Mentally, I am an emotional basket case. I find myself tearing up at movies and can't get through a serious chat without welling up. For those of you who know me, this is not normal. I find myself rubbing my belly alot and thinking about the little human growing inside me. (Let's pause here for a moment.) The idea that there is a person growing inside me has taken over my brain. Although this has been happening for 9 weeks, the thought has finally registered. I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. I am responsible for another human. At some point, that little human will make its way into the world. As excited as I am, I am terrified, like every other expectant mother. I try to clear my head and remind myself that a calm and happy gestational period is the best thing I can give my baby. So I toss my thoughts aside, and focus on the things I can control. Like what to have for lunch, how long I can workout for, how many hours of sleep I can bank.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I have no memory.

This is apparently what is happening inside right now.

Although I feel like my belly is about triple that size.