Monday, October 15, 2012

I have a secret......and a cyst.

Remember me? Yes I've deserted you for far too long. We've spent months contemplating what to do, and what to try next. After months of discussions and hopeful prayers that Napro would be the answer, we've thrown up our white flag. It was not a decision we came to lightly or quickly. I've been keeping it a secret and I'd first like to apologize.

The journey to conceive has been a long bumpy one for us. In choosing to blog, I've stripped myself from all elements of surprise for both family and friends. Something I was hoping to preserve this time around. I have this serious issue with keeping my mouth shut though. With that said, this has been a long awaited post.

No, I'm not pregnant.

But I hope to be soon!

We've gone back to IVF. We have our reasons, all of which I was questioning from the moment we began discussing it again. Until we had some updated testing done, which just confirmed the fact that we made the right choice. Although hubby's numbers have tested significantly improved in January, they have since dropped again.

So here we are. Round 2 of IVF.

I started Lupron injections about 2 weeks ago. And of course, I had a cyst. Normally when you are on Lupron, your ovaries are calm and not producing estrogen. Mine however have always had a mind of there own. So I was not surprised at my first blood work and ultrasound to discover I had a cyst, consistently producing estrogen. So 4 days later they tested again. And sure enough, that sucker was still there causing problems. Most docs will not move forward to the stimulation meds if you have a cyst. Cysts tend to suck up most of the meds, continue to grow, and hinder any development of other follicles. Major problem child.

My doctor is pretty proactive, and recommended a cyst aspiration. So last Friday, I went in, and they drained the darn thing. Small surgical procedure that went perfectly smooth. Went back in on Saturday for another round of blood and ultrasound. Cyst was gone. Estrogen had dropped. Yay!

Saturday evening began stimulation meds, Gonal F to be exact. I've apparently already started creating follicles on my own, 4 on the right, and 7 on the left. Go ovaries! Now with the Gonal F, hopefully a few more will pop up and create some healthy mature eggs.

Next check in is Wed morning. More blood and another ultrasound. Crossing my fingers these eggs form properly and abundantly. Gonal F can last anywhere from 7 days to 14. Next step will be egg retrieval.

My goal this time around is to focus on each step. Attempt to not get ahead of myself. Let my body do it's "thang" and pray all goes well. So far, the Lupron has made me super tired. At one point I was napping in my car on my lunch breaks. No joke. I've woken up pretty sweaty a few times, seems to have passed. And recently, the constipation has set in. TMI? Oh the joys of IVF.

I hope you'll join me on this roller coaster ride!


Gosh it feels good to write again.......


Friday, September 28, 2012

Take a day

For those of us who's second job has become trying to get pregnant, you start to feel like you should be able to take sick days. Am I wrong? Honestly, trying to conceive is a job for those of us with known issues. Even for some of us who it just seems to take longer for. You work full time, and at your job no matter how hard you try, you are always reading into your body too closely. You wonder what that cramp was, or if the meds they have you testing are causing side effects, or actually working. You're preoccupied.

I swear this week, I just need a sick day. A day to relax on the sofa, watch movies all day, and be a slug. Let's face it, our bodies and minds are going through hell. I had a chat recently with a new friend who struggled to conceive and ended up going through IVF. And she said "Women going through IVF are just as stressed as women going through cancer."

What does that tell you people?!




Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Some People Just Don't Get It.

Sitting at one of the many weddings we've attended this summer, I was thrown into a conversation I usually avoid. The one where you meet someone for the first time, and they ask if you have kids. Yeah, that one. I'd also like to state that about 20 mins prior, I was asked by a distant family member if we had kids yet. Then was proceeded to be told to take our time, and enjoy every minute. (Not as awful as some people. It was more kind and out of concern to remind us to enjoy life. That conversation was welcomed.)

The second was not.

Some people just don't get it.

For whatever reason, they have not been exposed to, nor close to anyone who has had difficulty conceiving. Because if they had, they would know when to stop talking. And I don't mean that rudely. I mean that they blatantly disregard knowing when their "thoughtful" words, are the wrong choice.

So sitting at this wedding, next to a very lovely couple, might I add. The kind of couple you hope to be sat next to when you know no one. We got to know where they came from, where they work, how they met, etc. And then comes the question....."Do you have kids?" I kindly respond "No. You?"

They continue to tell us that if they had not got drunk one night, they wouldn't have any either. But alas, they have a son, whom they adore.

My first thought was, oh great. Another one of those couples.

She continued to discuss how they didn't want kids, and everything else you don't want to hear when you are struggling to conceive. I continued to keep my mouth shut and politely changed the subject.

About an hour later though, we were back to the same conversation. Still talking about how they didn't want kids, and telling us don't bother, etc. At that point my manners disappeared. Because after 3.5 years of trying to get pregnant, and experiencing 2 miscarriages, you lose your manners quickly.

So I turned to her and said "Actually we've been trying for years." And gave the look like "You need to stop talking now." Which she missed, or ignored, and replied "You just need to get drunk. That will work."

"No, it won't. Trust me." was all I could come up with.

"Seriously, it works! Just get really drunk and enjoy your night!" she replied.

"NO. It doesn't work for everyone." At this point I'm getting angry. Why? This girl obviously doesn't understand nor will she. But I was done. Done with all the stupid comments people make. Done with the ignorance.

I'm glad people don't understand. Honestly, I hope people don't understand.

But what I expect, is compassion. I give all the hints and clues that this conversation is not one you want to have with me. Take the bait people! Know when to stop giving advice.

Anyone else have this happen recently? How long do you give the person before you speak up?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

When Adoption Fails-Great Article from Today

For all my fellow inftertiles out there, I read a great article on when adoption fails. It's a little long, but take a moment to read it. If you're considering adoption, it's best to have all the information you can to make a sound decision.

It Takes More Than Love - What happens when adoption fails

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Rules to live b

Expect When You're Trying......

  1. A roller coaster ride of emotion.
  2. Crying yourself to sleep for no reason.
  3. Anger when you get your period. Hope it's the rare case of bleeding during pregnancy.
  4. Praying the flutters and cramping is from implementation.
  5. Clear mucus means you're ovulating, so you jump your husband every chance you get.
  6. Bleeding during intercourse during mid cycle is ovulating. Jump your husband.
  7. Everyone else will be pregnant before you.


Things you notice when you're infertile........

  1. The eye brow raise from on lookers when you don't drink at weddings.
  2. The "I pity you" look when someone realizes you're struggling.
  3. How everyone seems to be pregnant.
  4. How everyone else IS pregnant.
  5. The lovely stories of how easy it was for others to get pregnant.
  6. Realizing how many years, months, cycles it's been.
  7. Your husband attempts to block the view of a pregnant passerby.

All the things running through your mind....
  1. Am I pregnant?
  2. When did I ovulate?
  3. How many days post peak am I?
  4. Is that bitch pregnant before me?
  5. Is that a line?
  6. Is this finally my month?
  7. How many more months am I going to have to wait?
Appropriate times to punch someone in the face.....
  1. "You just need to stop trying, then you'll get pregnant."
  2. "God has a plan for you, you just don't know it yet."
  3. "I slipped on the floor, and BAM, I was pregnant."
  4. "You can have my kids!"
  5. "Are you really sure you want to have kids?"
  6. "You can borrow my husband."
  7. "Don't bother, kids are a waste of time."
Anyone else have thoughts or quotes they've heard? Please share!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Finding my happy place

Recently, life seems to enjoy running me over with an 18 wheeler. Not terribly sure why, but it seems as though each time I turn around, I get bitch slapped by life. Oddly enough, these events are not entirely mine. Although they are affecting my friends and family and sometimes myself.

You may agree that with everything we've been through over the past 3.5 years, I have every right to be sad. You may understand that I could be depressed. You'd probably agree I've earned my right to hide under the covers on any given occasion.

But I've always attempted to remain positive. I try. And try. And try again. I do my best to never give up. (But when I do, Hubby is right there cheering me on.) Husband's are good like that. We talk about everything.

I am now at the point that I am beginning to feel like a burden. Not just on him, but on friends and family as well. This past weekend for example, I had my third anxiety attack of my life. Right there, in front of my friends, in the middle of our girls night. I could feel it coming on. I knew for a solid 20 mins that I would have to deal with this nagging quivering that was creeping up inside of me.

And then all of a sudden, there it was.

The lack of breath that causes hyperventilating.

The tingling in my head from the shortness of breath.

The sobbing.

The irrational feeling that I couldn't deal with any more problems.

For most, infertility is a silent battle. We tend to fight it alone as a couple. Being public about this struggle, as helpful as it has been, can also inhibit. Personally, I am at the point that as much as I want to be supportive of those struggling as well, I believe I'm at my tipping point.

Therefore, this is an apology.

Not to anyone in particular.

But to everyone.

I apologize if you speak to me, and I seem distant.

I apologize if I'm not attentive to your concerns.

Please know I love you and care for you.

Please be patient with me as I attempt to heal myself and find my happy place.


Friday, July 6, 2012

Weave Me Alone

Okay, so there's nothing really happening on the baby front this month. I did warn you about that though. Probably for the best seeing as I haven't been a very good girl this month. Blame it on the weddings, work stress, or realizing that my dream of being a stay at home wife (eventual mother) isn't happening any time soon. Any who, there's no bean in this belly.

But there are some lovely things happening besides growing myself a kid.

Amazing things actually.

Things I've wanted to happen for awhile.

So I can't remember if I've shared my recent class with y'all yet or not. But if not, here goes. I'm a weaver. Yes, like the old fashioned, picture your great great great grandmother's mother weaving fabric for clothing. That's me.

Okay, not like that. but I'm sure you can get a picture in your mind. 

My major in college was Textile Design and Fiber Arts. (I know, what was I thinking?) But seriously, I absolutely adore weaving. So much so that I recently took a refresher course at The Weaving Shed in Sterling, MA with Jen Baum. (She's lovely by the way. Highly recommend her classes!) So I took a class to refresh my old noggin' on how the whole weaving thing works. Boy am I glad I did. I forgot just how much I love me some loom time, and how little I could remember. But once I got back on the loom, things started to come back.

So much so, that I broke down and bought this lady. I call her Ruby. 
10 inch cricket loom

I've been a weaving fool ever since. Scarves, fabric, and potentially some place mats are in my future. Honestly, weaving is about the most relaxing thing you can do. 

On the last day of class, Jen mentioned she's selling her 45" floor loom. At which time my heart melted and begged her to take down the listing so that I could have first dibs. Of course this was all done prior to mentioning it to my husband. Thank goodness that man loves me. He complied and actually insisted that I purchase it. (Well, if I must!) So at the end of this month, my spare room/future child's room is being turned into my very own studio. Complete with my first ever floor loom. 

Stay tuned for photos and a remodel!

~Sometimes you need to embrace the challenges that you are faced with. Realize you have no control over your fate and decide to focus on the things you can control. 
Like weaving. 
And being happy. 
And that is what I fully intend to do.