What? again?

So my impatience made me stumble and pee on a couple sticks prior to the bloodwork. About 10 days after the transfer I started to see a light, thick blue line on two tests. I composed myself and waited until the day before the blood test to test again. Not wanting to see any fake indications, I used a digital. Not Pregnant. I tried to remain calm and tell myself that those things take more than the normal to register.

Having started a new job a the week before, (hence the long brake between posts), I crawled out of bed extra early so I wouldn't miss any time. Thankfully my new job is at the same company as my hubby. (Which we are enjoying.) I got the call about 10 mins after he left for lunch from the nurse. Negative. I managed to keep the tears at bay and kept working. How, I don't know. I left for lunch about 10 mins later, not the slightest bit hungary. Waited for hubby to get back. I finally track him down, and just the sight of him, I began crying. We took a good 5-10 mins, pulled ourselves together and decided it's time for NaPro.

I called Dr. C that day and we are scheduled for May 24th. We are praying that he can determine what the issue is. Having had chemcial pregnancies before, I'm guessing that's what happened yet again. Having no frozen embryos left, we didn't have many options. To be honest, I do not want to go through IVF again. I want to know what the problem is.

Of course all this bad news came the day before my birthday. 28. Fun. 28 and still no kids. I know, I'm young, I have time. I'm getting tired of hearing that though. It's been 2.5 years since we started trying. Enough already. Because my job has me working full time again, agh, I've had no time to really sit and think about everything. I found myself home alone on Thursday night and got caught up with One Tree Hill. Yes I still watch that show. The birth of the babies had me sobbing like a blubbering idiot. I peeled myself off the couch and started making dinner, still crying. Hubby comes home. Still crying. We poured ourselves a glass of wine, and had a nice long chat about what we both wanted to do. We are keeping the appointment with Dr. C. If for some reason that doesn't help, then who knows. I just know that the waiting is really starting to get to me.

Hallelujah Signs

One of the big downfalls to being on so many hormones, they make your body think you're pregnant. Obviously that's their job, so that your body accepts the little embryo. However it also causes most woman to form a little pouch. Yup, a pouch. (Which if you ask me is not attractive in anyway, unless of course there is truly a little baby in there. That is beautiful.) But this bloated, puffy uncomfortable swelling below my stomach is not making me feel pretty. The waists on my jeans are tighter than usual making it a daily routine of undoing the top button. I found myself at the movies Sunday watching Hanna (which was fabulous by the way). About 10 mins into the movie, the button was screaming to be retired. I gave in, while my husband next to me gave me a smirk. This is obviously not the first time I've done this.

My first pregnancy I found myself shopping for maternity jeans about 8 weeks in. Crazy, I know. However when you can't feel comfortable in anything you own, elastic waist band pants seem very enticing. I found a great pair of jeans at Gap Maternity, which has a large selection of pants, not so many tops. I had also picked up a pair of maternity leggings. To be honest, I am still wearing them. Leggings always seems to have that horrible tight elastic at the top. Which if you seem to have a little more weight in your midsection like I do, can either form a muffin top or the dreadful high waist look. The maternity leggings have this nice long top that is easy to roll down and has absolutely no cinching affect. Ahhh, perfection. This is probably all you'll find me in over the next week or two, or longer if the transfer worked.

Yesterday was a really rough day. There are days when the world seems to be caving in around me. Days that I can barely make it through my normal routine. The frustration and anger grabs a hold of me, and takes over every ounce of my being. Days like that I bury myself in a book. I escape to some unfamiliar place where my thoughts and opinions don't matter. I try to remind myself that I have no control over the situation. Whatever is meant to be will be, and we will get through it. I've been doing a lot of praying. Not so much just to God, but I find myself praying to the family members and friends I have lost. I'm pretty selfish and always ask for signs that everything will be okay. (The rainbow around that sun the other day for instance.) The last pregnancy I felt a strong connection to Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah". After the miscarriage, I couldn't bear listening to it. But lately I've been needing to hear it. Low and behold, after the emotionally draining day, I heard it twice yesterday.

I know what some of you are thinking, "that's crazy", blah blah blah. But I strongly believe in fate and faith. There's always little signs around us, there are always comforts around me getting through each day. Reminding me to stay positive and be strong and someone is always watching over me. It's definitely not the easiest thing to do when your in this situation, but it's the only thing you can do. Stay positive and remember that whatever life gives you, there's always a way to deal with it.

Annoyed, Irritable & Jealous

I'm feeling really annoyed, irritable and jealous today. It could be the lack of a line on the pee stick, or that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant, just had a baby, or already has kids. I had a fabulous weekend that kept my mind off the whole thought of possibly being pregnant. But this morning it seemed to slap me in the face.

I tend to wake up around 6:30 every morning, but today the ear piercing birds chirping outside my window awoke me at 5:15. Knowing that the transfer was 5 days ago, so technically I should be at day 25 in my cycle, I was anxious to take a preggo test. Some how I was able to drift back to sleep until my husband's alarm startled me at 7am. I peeled myself out of bed, grabbed the test and stumbled to the bathroom. No line, not even a hint of a line. I'm trying to remain positive, although today's mood seems to be making that a challenge. Over the past few days I have had some light nausea off and on. I've been pretty tired, but that could be from the lack of sleep this weekend and the nausea from all the stress. I've also had some slight cramping, very brief and sporadically. Of course all of these symptoms could be attributed to my potential on coming period, or that the transfer actually worked and I'm pregnant. 

Being severely disappointed with the negative pregnancy test, I started to do a little research to see when the appropriate time is to test. Yes, I know my doctor told me not to take a home test, but let's be real people, do they really expect anyone to follow that? I did come across one woman on a forum that stated she had negative results on several home tests when she was actually pregnant. I also read that there is a longer waiting time for frozen transfers of day 5 embryos to get a true result. I am going to do my very best to wait until at least Friday to test again, but knowing me I'll be testing every morning. The true blood test is Monday, April 18th. Let's hope my birthday wish comes true.

Guest Blogger: Devon McIver

Hello eat. cry. scream. readers!  My name is Devon, I write a little vegetarian blog over at ijustspitoutbacon.blogspot.com.  I've known Celia since our second year of college.  I've kept in touch with her over the years because she is an amazing individual, and she went ahead and married one of my best friends.  She knows how to pick 'em.  Last summer when I was up in Massachusetts making the summer vacation rounds, my boyfriend and I stayed a night with Chris and Celia.  They made us a delicious vegan feast, we caught up on what was new in each others lives, and they told us about their journey to start a family.  I need to put it out there that I support both Chris and Celia completely in their choice to start a family, however they chose to do so.  I also should add that I think its incredibly courageous that she is openly sharing the whole process from start to finish, I think she is building an incredible resource for the rest of the families out there who are contemplating IVF. 

So what exactly is a gay guy doing writing on a blog about IVF?  After recruiting Celia to guest blog for me about being a vegan and working to start a family, she asked that I write for her, to give the same sex couple's opinion on babies.  I will be honest, I don't know a lot about the IVF process.  I don't even know a whole lot about that cave of wonders the lady-folk got going on down south.  So I set off to do some research, and by research I mean watching the Focus Features documentary, Babies.

So if you haven't seen this little gem, you really need to check it out, its streaming on Netflix.  The documentary focuses on the the first year of life of four babies from four completely different cultures and geographic areas. 

It also makes you want a baby, at least for the time you spend watching it. 

The movie does a nice job of showing you the babies at similar developmental stages, and in some instances doing similar things, such as interacting with a family pet.  The differences between the different cultures and how the babies are raised is fascinating to say the least.  You'll cringe as the baby from Mongolia seems to wander around the steppe unwatched and wonder if his older brother is a future sociopath...and laugh as you see the baby from Tokyo become utterly frustrated while playing with her toys.

So is a family in my future?  I have no idea.  Sometimes I think about how exhausting it is to have a dog, and I get to leave her home everyday to fend for herself.  The prospect of having a child both terrifies and intrigues me.  For the immediate future I think I'll stick to playing with other people's kids and handing them back when they start crying or need to be changed.  Maybe some day in the future I'll start a family, after all how else am I supposed to further the homosexual agenda?

Embryo Home?

Thankfully, we arrived to the fertility center early. I had already had a substantial amount of water, and needed to pee as soon as I walked through the door. I actually considered it, but thank goodness I didn't. They were actually running early. We arrived at about 1:40pm, to be greeted by a new girl at the desk who was pretty clueless about procedures and where we should go. Having already been through this once, I talked her through it and we found our way upstairs. I only drank a couple more sips of water since my bladder was already requesting to be relieved.

At about 2:10pm, they escorted us into the patient room. The ultrasound tech was very nice, I'm pretty sure she's done one for us previously. Then the doctor comes in. Tall, young, blond woman who caught me off guard as she entered: she's about 5-6 months pregnant. I found it a little ironic that the infertility doctor must be quite fertile. I took it as a positive sign, maybe her being pregnant will help me be pregnant. (It's silly what we tell ourselves to get through moments like that.) I must say though, I was in a great mood, and wasn't about to let anything stand in my way.

At this point, Dr. W takes a seat and goes through some minor paper work. Having wondered all day how many embryos they had defrosted, my question was finally answered. To our dismay, the first little one didn't survive the process. I can't help but feel regret that that poor little beginning-of-a-person didn't survive. Once the embryo was defrosted (for lack of a better term), the cells did not continue to divide. The second embryo upon defrosting quickly went from a blastocyst to an extreme blastocyst. This means that even having been a Day 5 embryo (it was left to grow for 5 days vs. 3), it continued to rapidly divide and surpassed the requirements for implantation. The more cells that make up the blastocyst, the better the chance of pregnancy. 

Dr. W and the lab tech did their thorough checks to be sure our embryo was the one being transferred, (they always do this to ensure everything matches up). On the ultrasound screen, you could see the catheter, and then out came the little embryo, which for some reason I could not see, but my husband did. I continued to lay there for 10 mins until the little alarm went off. Please  keep in mind that I opted out for the muscle relaxer they offer you during this procedure. It just doesn't make sense to me why I'd put yet another drug in to my body, that this time is unnecessary. So needless to say, I could feel everything. Including the impending pressure my bladder was putting on my other organs. At the sound of the alarm, hubby helped me up and I grabbed my undies and jeans, threw them on and ran to the bathroom. Ahhhhhh.

We got in our cars and he headed home. I however headed straight to the acupuncturist. Only had 3 needles this time and some less harsh methods used on my ears. I ended up falling asleep for the 15 mins, you'd think having needles in your body would keep you awake. I left feeling so relaxed, I went home and curled up on the sofa and watched "Babies". Here's to hoping!

Now we wait. Blood test is scheduled for April 18th, the day before my birthday. Hopefully I'll get everything I've wished for.  (I've already had some minor cramping. Same thing happened the first time as well. It's referred to as implantation cramping. Means the little guy or gal is digging it's way into my uterine lining, making a nice home for it's self. At least I hope that's what this cramping means.)

Today It is.....

Tuesday:
Got the official call today that tomorrow is our embryo transfer day. Similar to last time, I am to arrive one hour early (1:50) for transfer time of 2:50. They ask upon arrival that you empty your bladder. Then they make you drink about a gallon of water, okay maybe not a gallon but it sure as hell feels like it. This is to inflate your bladder which then acts like a window instead of a door. Through an exterior ultrasound they are able to look at my uterus to be sure everything looks okay. At some point, I can finally relieve myself. While keeping the exterior ultrasound on me, they insert a long catheter into my uterus. On the ultrasound, you can see the tube. Then they release the embryo which floats down and finally finds a spot to rest. And that's it. I lay flat for 30 mins, giving the little one time to nuzzle in. And of course, all of this is contingent on whether or not the embryo survives the deforesting process.

I also found a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy and pediatrics. He was fantastic and I'm so glad I happen to find his office. He shared a little about himself, and the fact this his wife miscarried at 12 weeks prior to becoming pregnant with their daughter who is now about 2. He was sympathetic and caring, which these days can be hard to find. His wife delivered at home where he was able to catch his daughter upon entry into the world. (I told my husband this, and he says "I'm not that kind of guy, you're lucky I'll be in the room." Meaning: he has a hard time watching me in pain, and as amazing as child birth is, watching is not for everyone.) Dr. M was also able to finally get my legs to be the same length. About 2-3 years ago, another chiro pointed out that they were slightly off. Dr. M was able to stetch out my ligaments and get them to relax enough that it allowed my leg to adjust. Thank you Dr. M, you are my new favorite doc.

Wednesday:
Surprisingly, I was able to sleep last night. I was told yesterday that I'd get a call before 10am today to confirm and update us on our embryo. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to hear from them. I was on the edge of my seat all morning, with my cell phone tightly grasped in hand. Finally my  phone rang at 9:50, good news!!! We are a go for the transfer. I asked if only one embryo was defrosted and made it. She however did not have the embryo report, so we'll find out at our appointment. So at 2:50pm today, I will hopefully become pregnant. :)

PS-After I phoned my husband to give him the good news, I hung up and looked out my windshield to see a huge rainbow wrapped around the sun. A beautiful aura, that without my sunglass, I would have never seen. A sign? I think so.

And So It Begins....

I woke up yesterday morning with some pretty painful lower back tension. Partially caused by my bed which mixed with my stress to equal a whole lot of tightness. Not a good way to start the day. Plus I had to be up and out the door by 7am for my ultrasound. For someone not usually alive until about 9am, that's pretty early. So, I drove myself to Lexington,  which took almost an hour, got to love Concord rotary traffic. Blood was drawn, internal ultrasound was done. One big follicle on my right side was ready to release it's egg any day now. I got the call later that afternoon, I am right on track, levels are perfect.

Embryo transfer has been set for Wed, April 6th. Thankfully in the mean time, my estrogen pills have been cut back to 2 pills, twice a day. However, I now begin the progesterone shots. The last round I had used the suppository, which I don't recommend. It's nasty and you really can't have sex on it. (If you do, your hubby should "wrap it up".) The alternative to the suppository is the injection. I have yet to watch the video on how to administer it, but from what I understand, it must be jabbed into a muscle. Agh. Not looking forward to that.

Once again, I will be having acupuncture on the day of the transfer. (Studies have shown an increased % of pregnancy success by combining IVF and acupuncture.) One fun fact that I learned from the acupuncturist is to keep your feet warm. The meridian that flows to your reproductive organs, for both male and female, begins in your feet. If you're feet are always cold, like mine, you are restricting blood flow to those important organs. She recommended these amazing slippers by The North Face. I ordered mine on Zappos.com, but I'm pretty sure you can get them just about anywhere. Think of it as a down blanket just for your tootsies, plus they can come with fur lining, faux of course. I'm praying by some miracle they get here quickly.
The North Face Women's NSE Tent Mule Fur II

Other things to consider when going through IVF, is chiropractic care and massage. Our spine is what relays the messages from our brain to all areas of our body. If your spine isn't healthy or struggling to function correctly, imagine what that can do to your body. And, we use our muscles every day and even they need special treatment now and then. Treat yourself to a massage pre-transfer. It will help you to relax and de-stress. I know I am.  :)