Time for a change.

Hubby was not happy to see the words "Semen Analysis" plastered on Facebook. Figured a formal appology was necessary.

Sorry Hubby.

I disappeared, as I had warned you all. I've been avoiding everything baby related. Wanting nothing to do with seeing, discussing or planning for children. After the panic attack, I figured it was truly time to take a giant step back and focus on other things.

As I prepared to invest my time in other things, I of course get a sinus infection. Which limited my running last week, to nothing. Can't breath = no run. Thankfully, it's almost over. By getting sick, I realized I haven't been treating my body well lately. After surgery this past July, I began eating vegetarian instead of vegan. Hoping my body could handle the change, I gave it 6 months. I stopped eating ridiculous amounts of veggies and started eating white breads and sugars again.

It didn't work. My body hates all things animal related or bleached white. Besides gaining 20lbs back, my stomach has once again been swollen, bloated and (brace yourself) I've been having irregular bowel movements. What's a girl to do? Change. (Because I seem to be obsessed with change.)

Unlike last time, this isn't happening over night, but I am going back to vegan. I cringe because I've forgotten how to do it. Dairy really is in everything. It's quite hard to avoid. But I love to cook, and am hoping with the change will bring back that passion. Along with healthy meals, little spending on eating out and a significant drop in weight. (Praying it's like last time.)

Where to begin? I started with a cleanse. For those of you who can't handle poop talk, just stop reading. Saturday, since it was snowing and we rarely take a day to do nothing, hubby and I hunkered down and flushed out our systems while watching 2 seasons of United States of Tara. He really wanted to do a smoothie cleanse, flushing and replacing. I wanted everything out of my body so I could start fresh. I won.

For $2.19 you can purchase a bottle of lemon flavored magnesium citrate. Pick up some chamomile tea and be ready to run. We started around 9am and by the evening our systems were empty. I woke up Sunday morning feeling fabulous. Stomach was flat and hungry. I made a hemp protein smoothie with lots of berries and some kale. Knowing that we'd be meeting the in-laws for breakfast, I didn't want to indulge in eggs. So the smoothie was a perfect start to the day. At the farm (breakfast place), I had 2 pieces of their home made wheat toast with honey and cinnamon on top. I did flounder in the afternoon while watching the game (Go Pats!) and snacked on some lactose free cheese. Belly immediately swelled.

So today I embarked on a dairy free day. So far so good. Same delicious smoothie for breakfast. Chipotle vegetarian burrito bowl for lunch. Apple for my snack. And after work I'm praying I can get my fat ass to the gym. Wish me luck.

*Want any tips on smoothies, eating vegan, cleansing? Let me know. I'll be happy to share.

From Panic Attacks to Semen Analysis

I officially had my first panic attack last week. I still don't understand why or how I had it. To be honest, I know what they are, but never really understood the capacity of them. I'm not terribly comfortable sharing why it happened. But what I will say, is seeing someone else with their child triggered it. I did my best to remain calm and talk myself through it. I was at work, and did not want to shed any tears in front of anyone. It was the end of the day, thank goodness. I held myself together, focused on my breathing, and walked out the door with my husband 5 mins later. As we walked out, I whispered to him "I think I'm having a panic attack. I'll explain once we're in the car."

I shut my door and immediately started hyperventilating. I could barely speak and was sobbing uncontrollably. My breathing was short as I continued to gasp for air. It was quick, only lasted about 5-10 mins. But it happened. I've focused all of my time and energy recently on other things. I've pushed the thought of babies and getting pregnant to the deepest corner of my mind. Work has taken over my life along with several other things. Needless to say, I've been preoccupied. I haven't allowed myself to even think about getting pregnant. I falsely believed I was fine. I was content in the fact that I have a good, busy job and a lot going on.

Pain creeps up on you though, whether you face it or not. Sooner or later it's going to surface and knock you to the ground. I allowed myself those 15 mins to grieve. To embrace the sorrow and face the pain. Then I picked myself up, put a smile on my face, and thanked God for my husband. I am not an arrogant person, nor do I expect anyone to praise me for my ability to keep going. It's sometimes a curse if you ask me. I try to stay positive and focus on all the amazing things in my life. Mostly because I can't handle looking at the bad.

I walked into 2012 with my eyes shielded, waiting for the rug to come out from underneath me. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Today, was a step in the right direction. Today was our follow up with my husband's urologist. 2 years ago when we first met him, hubby was taking inhalers for his asthma and eating a "normal" diet. His semen analysis came back at only 7% normal, at best. Numerous tests and ultrasounds, he was told our best shot to conceive is IVF.

Not today. Today, having had another semen analysis to determine if surgery was necessary, we were told his numbers are just slightly below perfect. All of his numbers have increased, motility, mobility, count, etc. Everything is up! (no pun intended)

How?

Why?

Are you serious?

Yup, all numbers are up. His words: "I see no reason why you can't conceive naturally." So what changed? Well, having changed our diet to vegan, my husband's asthma simply disappeared. He no longer needed his inhalers. When we mentioned these two things to the urologist, he smiled at us and said, vegan or vegetarian diet makes a difference, no animal hormones. Along with the lack of asthma and needing inhalers, no more steroids.

So needless to say, no surgery for hubby. Now, if only my ovaries would start cooperating....