Anger

I want to run away and hide. Everything feels like a dream. It has been two whole days since I've cried. Foolishly assuming I am doing better, and the pain is disappearing. A woman I know came up to me today and said "I heard you are expecting." I froze. I didn't even know what to say. Being the honest person that I am, I first responded "No", then gave in and said I was, then the tears came. I am fine until I'm confronted with it. I'm able to push all of it away until someone or something triggers the memory.

I feel like it was all a dream. In my mind it feels like it happened years ago, but emotionally the wound is still open and gushing. I'm sad, angry, annoyed, hurt... Part of this pain is having everyone know. I'm starting to feel like writing this blog has been a mistake. How did I think I could go through this so publicly. What did I think was going to happen, everything go perfectly smooth. When has anything gone perfectly smooth. When in my life have I not had to fight for what I wanted.

I keep getting the questions about when we'll try again, will we try right away, how are you doing, how are you feeling. I realize all of these are out of care and concern, but I can't answer them. I'm still dealing with the loss so I have no clue as to when we will begin again. All I know is that there is no way I am giving up. And right now I just want to run away and hide.

Another Happy Holiday

Yesterday morning I woke up, ate breakfast, showered and was about to head off the gym when I realized I needed to pee. I walk in the bathroom, lock the door and pop a squat. It was at that very moment everything changed. I noticed I was spotting. I called the doctor and immediately went in for an ultrasound. The US tech was very thorough, but did not let me look at the screen while she took the images. Hubby was with me, but he couldn't read what she was doing. They kept us in the room while the radiologist reviewed the images. The doctor, who's in the same building, is then informed and sent the images. We were told to sit and wait for a phone call. The US tech walks in and says the doctor would like us to go up to her office.

I knew at that moment that something was wrong, hubby was still remaining positive. We sit in the waiting room for what felt like an hour, but was probably only 15 mins. We're brought into a room and wait for the doctor to come in. Because this is our new OB office, I haven't met this doctor yet. She knocks and then walks in the door with a hesitant smile. She cuts right to the chase, "It's not good news". The baby only measured 6 weeks and 2 days, the same as our last ultrasound. Most likely, right after we heard and saw the heartbeat, the baby stopped growing. I am miscarrying. My eyes well up and I am immediately sobbing.

There are truly no words to describe how I felt at that moment. I have been hesitant since day one, knowing that most people are not successful in their first IVF attempt. I never truly let myself get attached to the idea. How do you let go of something you never really let yourself believe in. I've cried alone, I've cried with my family, I cried this morning when I woke up.

The cramps began to intensify last night. Tylenol took some of the edge off, but did not last through the night. I tossed and turned trying to find a position that didn't hurt. Two days before Christmas and I'm going in for a DNC. The thought of watching this all happen in front of my eyes made me sick to my stomach. So I made a choice to let them intervene. In my mind, it has already happened and I am just helping it along. But that doesn't take away any of the pain. It doesn't change anything.

I can't help but question everything I've done for the past month. Was it the stress? Was it from working out? Was there something wrong with my egg? Why would this happen after everything we've been through?! I'm trying to push all these thoughts out of my mind. As everyone has recently told me, "nature has it's way of taking care of things". Trust in the fact that what is not meant to be, doesn't happen. As my mother in law said, "maybe you'll have a November baby to  make next year easier on all of us." I hope that is true.

9 Weeks

So things have been pretty mild and some what boring lately. At 9 weeks, nausea has been non existent, but the growing pains have come on full force. Between my aching back and lower abdomenn, I feel like my hips have doubled in size. Although most people wouldn't notice, my belly has started to expand to the point where my skinny jeans are a process to get into. I gave in and picked up a belly band and a pair of maternity jeans, for those really bad days.

I'm sleeping right through the night with just one morning trip to the bathroom. The headaches have been off and on and seem to be worse when it rains or snows. My appetite is huge, about every 2-4 hours I'm ravenous. My energy has been pretty good this week. Still getting tired around 9pm though. The progesterone has been limited to every other night which I couldn't be more thrilled about. I go in next week for blood work to check my levels. Pray that they are normal so I can finally stop taking it. (Ladies, if you have the option for the injection or the cream, take the injection! I fully regret taking the cream. It does not dissolve completely and leaves a thick, chalky residue. Yuck.)

Mentally, I am an emotional basket case. I find myself tearing up at movies and can't get through a serious chat without welling up. For those of you who know me, this is not normal. I find myself rubbing my belly alot and thinking about the little human growing inside me. (Let's pause here for a moment.) The idea that there is a person growing inside me has taken over my brain. Although this has been happening for 9 weeks, the thought has finally registered. I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby. I am responsible for another human. At some point, that little human will make its way into the world. As excited as I am, I am terrified, like every other expectant mother. I try to clear my head and remind myself that a calm and happy gestational period is the best thing I can give my baby. So I toss my thoughts aside, and focus on the things I can control. Like what to have for lunch, how long I can workout for, how many hours of sleep I can bank.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, I have no memory.

This is apparently what is happening inside right now.

Although I feel like my belly is about triple that size.



8 Weeks

Tuesday was the big day to meet our new OB. Which to my amazement, went astonishingly well. I had gone on Emerson Hospital's website and just picked the doctor's on their site that had an office in Harvard. It could not be a more perfect match!

Being the neurotic person that I am, I went in with a list of questions, which my husband laughed at me for. However, it allowed me to remember everything that is important to us and what type of care we would like. There is one male doctor in the practice and the other two are female. Hoping to first see a female, I was a little let down to be meeting with the male. But, he was wonderful. Very open to all of our thoughts and ideas about birth. All the doctor's in the practice are young, under early forties. Which in my eyes is a good thing. They are more open to new practices and styles. I only waited in the waiting room for 5 mins, and the consult was an hour long. He was even kind of relieved to hear that I am vegan and work out often. He shared some personal stories about his family. He asked if we wanted to know the sex, and of course quickly responded "YES". So he allowed us to schedule our ultrasound at 16 weeks. (Hopefully the little one will cooperate.)

This morning, I woke up with some pretty bad cramps. Almost like the start of my period cramps. Hubby, of course, is away for work. So I was left home alone panicking on whether or not I should be concerned. Finally got a hold of him after about an hour and a half. I ended up calling the doctor's office just to be safe. I wasn't having any spotting, so that made me feel a little better, but I was still worried. They said cramping at 9 weeks is very normal and to call if they get worse, or if I start to bleed. Thankfully they passed pretty quickly. I'm just feeling uncomfortable, that's the best way to describe it. I'm starting to get the "crawling out of my skin" feeling again. Praying it doesn't last long, I'd like to go back to not really feeling much of anything. Please and thank you.

Changes

In the past few weeks I have gone from super nauseous to not really feeling pregnant. Not that I'm complaining in any way, but things have changed. My stomach has settled pretty well, not throwing fits in between meals anymore. Which means I can finally get through the day without needing to run to the bathroom. Peeing has slowed down as well, just the occasional trip here and there. The morning wake up call is still going strong though.

Now having been in the sun for a few days and being prone to dry flaky skin, I expected some issues. However, my skin has never looked like this. This morning I woke up to scales basically peeling off my body. And I don't mean peeling sun burned skin, I'm talking big dry flakes. Gross, I know. This kid is literally sucking the moisture from my body, as if I had any to give up. No matter how much lotion or baby oil I rub on, a couple hours later, I'm back to flaking.

Exhaustion has been pretty calm. I no longer need afternoon naps. Although I sleep for about 10-12 hours a night. In bed by 9, up at 7 or 8. (Although I made an exception for the Pats last night.) No real food cravings yet, thank goodness. However I have felt the need for chips more often than usual. I'm praying that this child does not change my food habits. I'm hoping since they have been drastically altered for the last 8 months, it will keep the cravings at bay.

I feel like I am just starting to really accept the thought that I'm pregnant. Because I am still cautious knowing that things can change at a moments notice, I'm afraid to truly embrace it. I feel like I'm holding my breath which won't stop until probably January and the 12 week mark. But for now, I wait for reality to set in.

Hello December

Goodbye November! I will not miss you one bit, too much sadness for one month. Thankfully we welcomed December with open arms to good news.

After a smooth flight back from Fort Myers Thursday night, hubby was back to work early Friday. Thinking he would not be able to sneak away for our ultrasound after being away for two weeks, his boss was kind enough to let him leave. We met in Lexington at 11:15 and were escorted in to the room by the same sweet ultrasound tech as last time. New Christmas oven mitts adorned the stirrups, and the heating pad was on high. (It was as comfortable as it could be.)

On the screen showed a large gestational sack and a somewhat fuzzy outline of the baby. Took a few moments but she was able to find the heart beat. A little flicker on the screen took our breath away. Then, we heard a very faint and some what muffled heartbeat. It was a strong 129 beats per minute. In just 10 days the baby has gone from 4mm to 11.5mm. Almost tripling in size.

That was the last appointment we will have with the IVF doctors. It is now time to find a new OB. Although I really like my current OB, he only delivers at Leominster or Worcester. Which don't get me wrong, are both great hospitals. However, I am hoping to use hypnobirthing and a more natural approach to our baby's birth. Emerson guarantees you a private room, welcomes hypnobirthing and has several rooms for water births.

So far, my nausea has passed. I'm feeling pretty good. Although I am still very tired, I feel great. Which I'm sure that now I'm saying this, everything will change. But for now, I am enjoy feeling somewhat normal. I have continued to have swelling and bloating. My belly is already starting to look pregnant. Didn't realize that was possible at 7 weeks, but apparently it is. Pants are already starting to get tight...oh fun.