1 or 2

Living in New England has it's benefits, but being blasted with snow twice a week is not one of them. Figures the morning we have to drive to Westboro at 7am, it's snowing profusely. But we bundle up, clean off the car and begin our drive. Thankfully it only took an extra 20 mins to get there. We pull into the un-plowed lot where only one other car is parked. We walk into the office, doors unlocked, lights are on, but no one in sight. We both get a little nervous that no one is there, so I do a perimeter search. Then our doctor pops her head out of her office and says she'll be right with us.

A couple minutes later she emerges and escorts us into her office. "How are you both handling everything?" is the first question out of her mouth. And of course, that question still makes my eyes water. I manage to pull myself together and control the water works. She starts by going over our embryo count and how things progressed in the growing process. To our surprise, she states that having 2 frozen embryos is wonderful. Apparently not alot of couples get to that point and have to go through the grueling process of creating eggs, egg retrieval and transfer every round! And, we have the option to either use the frozen eggs, or start all over again to create fresh ones. The downfall to using frozen eggs drops our chances of conceiving from 50% to 40%. And not all embryos come out of the freezing process properly.

We asked a couple questions which she answered to the best of her ability. Then she asked the question we've been discussing for the past month: how many embryos to implant for round two. The one question Chris and I have been trying to answer. Chris has been adamant about one, mostly for the fear of having twins with two. I have been thinking implant both. My reasoning has been sort of all over the place. The risk of having twins increases along with the stress level when they are born. However, I have been concerned that there could be an issue with our embryos. Thankfully Dr. D explained that all our eggs and sperm have done what they should. All the embryos have seemed to look great. She believes it was a fluke, just an unhealthy embryo. Her medical opinion is to try one again. Chris of course was grinning ear to ear, knowing he won our "discussion".

We have been now attempting to have a child for two years, two unsuccessful years. Although we are young, which Dr. D keeps stressing, I feel like we may be wasting time. We spent a year and 3 months trying on our own. Spent 3 months contemplating bad advise from a urologist. Spent 2 months creating embryos, 2 months pregnant, 2 months healing from the miscarriage. Before we can implant again, I'm going to be hopped up on estrogen pills and gonalF for 20 days. The morning of the transfer is when they unfreeze the embryo. So we could get all the way to that point and neither of the embryos come out of the freezing process correctly, then we're back to square one. So we had a consult to determine that nothing is determined, except we'll be using one embryo.

Due Date

Searching through my phone today, which I use as my calendar, I came across something I had forgotten to delete. My due date. I was looking for our family's annual Vermont Cookout held in July and there it was, staring back at me as plain as day. Hadn't even realized what it was until I clicked on it. I had deleted all the upcoming appointments that were made, but somehow over looked the due date. Although every day has gotten a little easier, it's moments like this that send me flying back. Instead of dwelling on it and hiding in my room to cry, I am looking forward to the next couple of weeks and all the new things I am trying.

I've finally cut back on the wine and sweets, since being slapped in the face by my scale. I've been focusing my time on better nutrition, and attempting new workouts. Although I love my yoga classes, at $17 a pop, or $125 a month, my wallet has become a deep empty pit. So my fabulous husband, knowing that I've always wanted to take dance classes, sent me a link to groupon.com. (If you haven't found this site yet, I highly recommend you do.) There was a groupon for adult hip hop classes. Thankfully enough people signed up, and I will be starting class next week. Lord help me.

I also found a new place that offers an array of classes. In need of some direction and motivation to spice things up, I found a place for only $20 a month, includes Zumba, Spin, Pilates and Yoga. How can you go wrong? For some reason, I love change. I embrace it. It gets to the point where I feel things have become stagnant, and I need a change. So I'm making it. I don't know if I'll be blessed with children soon and I can't sit around waiting for it to happen. Life is too short to miss out on the things you want. So in the mean time, it's hip hop, Zumba and Spin time. Everything else will come when it's good and ready.

One Day At a Time....

So I'm pretty sure yesterdays appointment was more of a mental check up. (The doctor wanted to be sure I wasn't hanging from my shower curtain.) I must say, I'm thoroughly impressed with their office. The nurse who took my blood pressure and weight (yikes), felt so bad about what happened she looked like she was about to cry and offered up a hug. Mind you, this was the first time I met her. It seems everyone who finds out is completely sympathetic, especially when they find out we went through IVF.

I drove my butt to hot yoga last night again. The yogi I usually go to was teaching, whom I love by the way. She's the same age and just has this calming voice that keeps you relaxed through the whole class. I was surprisingly able to do most of the moves still, considering I was away for two months. There is nothing like sweating out every emotion to revitalize your body and mind. Moving pretty slow, I was the last to leave. The sweetheart that she is, started making small talk: she asked how my holidays were. For the most part, I am able to control myself with that question. However, not after yoga. Every emotion is brought to the surface, just waiting to bubble over. Which it managed to do. She teared up right along with me, confiding in me that she and her husband are trying as well. Three months, and no luck just yet.

It's amazing how much it takes over your life. Every thought, every cramp, anything and everything makes you think of it. No matter if you are trying the fun way, IUI or IVF, the process of trying to conceive takes over your life. As much as guys try to understand, they never fully get it. Even when they want it as bad as you (talking about a baby), they can't understand what you go through emotionally. I feel like my husband is the exception. He has been a rock, absolutely amazing through this whole process, I couldn't have asked for a better man. He's let me sob, scream, eat, drink (hence the yikes at the weight), he's let me do anything and everything I've needed to to deal with the loss. And that's exactly what it is, a loss. Whether its early or late, it's still an emotional mess that you need to deal with. Which I feel like I am. One day at a time.....

That Much Is Certain

It has almost been two weeks since everything happened, and to be honest, I'm starting to feel better. (It's about time.) Although I'm still getting the awkward hellos and sad eyes from people who know, which make it difficult to try to move on. Imagining what is going through their mind, knowing they know, and that they don't want to make me uncomfortable. No matter what, it's uncomfortable. But know that I am healing and trying to move forward as gracefully as possible.

My follow up appointment is tomorrow with my OB. In two weeks we meet with the IVF doctor again to go over the next course of action. For all of you who have been wondering if we are going to try again, the answer is yes. I am nervous to see what the IVF doctor is going to say though. Surprisingly, I have stayed away from researching too much on the subject. We only have two embryos frozen. From what I have been made aware of, not all of them come out of the freezing process ready to use. My fear is that one or none will "defrost" correctly leaving us at square one again. Or they say we should put both in. Which I think my husband fears more than I do. (The rate of twins goes from 1% to 33%.)

I have been trying to put everything aside and clear my mind and focus on my health for the last two weeks. My mental health has gotten better, however my physical health is moving pretty slow. I just started working out again this week, and have jumped in head on. I managed to do 90 mins on the treadmill Monday, 90 mins of hot yoga yesterday, and I plan to do 90 mins biking today. The swelling in my abdomen has gone down considerably making this all possible again. I love that I am able to go back to hot yoga. It has been a life saver. I may try to continue doing it even if I get pregnant again. Although at that point, I will probably be fearing everything. But what better way to get yourself calm. I haven't found anything else that allows me to get to that state.

Who knows what the future holds at this moment. All I know is that each day gets a little easier. No matter what happens, it's hubby and me. Whether we are blessed with children of our own, or if we are able to adopt, we plan to have a family. That much is certain.