Rules to live b

Expect When You're Trying......

1. A roller coaster ride of emotion.
2. Crying yourself to sleep for no reason.
3. Anger when you get your period. Hope it's the rare case of bleeding during pregnancy.
4. Praying the flutters and cramping is from implementation.
5. Clear mucus means you're ovulating, so you jump your husband every chance you get.
6. Bleeding during intercourse during mid cycle is ovulating. Jump your husband.
7. Everyone else will be pregnant before you.

Things you notice when you're infertile........

1. The eye brow raise from on lookers when you don't drink at weddings.
2. The "I pity you" look when someone realizes you're struggling.
3. How everyone seems to be pregnant.
4. How everyone else IS pregnant.
5. The lovely stories of how easy it was for others to get pregnant.
6. Realizing how many years, months, cycles it's been.
7. Your husband attempts to block the view of a pregnant passerby.

All the things running through your mind....

1. Am I pregnant?
2. When did I ovulate?
3. How many days post peak am I?
4. Is that bitch pregnant before me?
5. Is that a line?
6. Is this finally my month?
7. How many more months am I going to have to wait?

Appropriate times to punch someone in the face.....

1. "You just need to stop trying, then you'll get pregnant."
2. "God has a plan for you, you just don't know it yet."
3. "I slipped on the floor, and BAM, I was pregnant."
4. "You can have my kids!"
5. "Are you really sure you want to have kids?"
6. "You can borrow my husband."
7. "Don't bother, kids are a waste of time."

Anyone else have thoughts or quotes they've heard? Please share!

Finding my happy place

Recently, life seems to enjoy running me over with an 18 wheeler. Not terribly sure why, but it seems as though each time I turn around, I get bitch slapped by life. Oddly enough, these events are not entirely mine. Although they are affecting my friends and family and sometimes myself.

You may agree that with everything we've been through over the past 3.5 years, I have every right to be sad. You may understand that I could be depressed. You'd probably agree I've earned my right to hide under the covers on any given occasion.

But I've always attempted to remain positive. I try. And try. And try again. I do my best to never give up. (But when I do, Hubby is right there cheering me on.) Husband's are good like that. We talk about everything.

I am now at the point that I am beginning to feel like a burden. Not just on him, but on friends and family as well. This past weekend for example, I had my third anxiety attack of my life. Right there, in front of my friends, in the middle of our girls night. I could feel it coming on. I knew for a solid 20 mins that I would have to deal with this nagging quivering that was creeping up inside of me.

And then all of a sudden, there it was.

The lack of breath that causes hyperventilating.

The tingling in my head from the shortness of breath.

The sobbing.

The irrational feeling that I couldn't deal with any more problems.

For most, infertility is a silent battle. We tend to fight it alone as a couple. Being public about this struggle, as helpful as it has been, can also inhibit. Personally, I am at the point that as much as I want to be supportive of those struggling as well, I believe I'm at my tipping point.

Therefore, this is an apology.

Not to anyone in particular.

But to everyone.

I apologize if you speak to me, and I seem distant.

I apologize if I'm not attentive to your concerns.

Please know I love you and care for you.

Please be patient with me as I attempt to heal myself and find my happy place.

Weave Me Alone

Okay, so there's nothing really happening on the baby front this month. I did warn you about that though. Probably for the best seeing as I haven't been a very good girl this month. Blame it on the weddings, work stress, or realizing that my dream of being a stay at home wife (eventual mother) isn't happening any time soon. Any who, there's no bean in this belly.

But there are some lovely things happening besides growing myself a kid.

Amazing things actually.

Things I've wanted to happen for awhile.

So I can't remember if I've shared my recent class with y'all yet or not. But if not, here goes. I'm a weaver. Yes, like the old fashioned, picture your great great great grandmother's mother weaving fabric for clothing. That's me.

Okay, not like that. but I'm sure you can get a picture in your mind. 

My major in college was Textile Design and Fiber Arts. (I know, what was I thinking?) But seriously, I absolutely adore weaving. So much so that I recently took a refresher course at The Weaving Shed in Sterling, MA with Jen Baum. (She's lovely by the way. Highly recommend her classes!) So I took a class to refresh my old noggin' on how the whole weaving thing works. Boy am I glad I did. I forgot just how much I love me some loom time, and how little I could remember. But once I got back on the loom, things started to come back.

So much so, that I broke down and bought this lady. I call her Ruby. 

I've been a weaving fool ever since. Scarves, fabric, and potentially some place mats are in my future. Honestly, weaving is about the most relaxing thing you can do. 

On the last day of class, Jen mentioned she's selling her 45" floor loom. At which time my heart melted and begged her to take down the listing so that I could have first dibs. Of course this was all done prior to mentioning it to my husband. Thank goodness that man loves me. He complied and actually insisted that I purchase it. (Well, if I must!) So at the end of this month, my spare room/future child's room is being turned into my very own studio. Complete with my first ever floor loom. 

Stay tuned for photos and a remodel!

~Sometimes you need to embrace the challenges that you are faced with. Realize you have no control over your fate and decide to focus on the things you can control. 

Like weaving. 

And being happy. 

And that is what I fully intend to do.